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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to move to the guest room

287 replies

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 00:16

Ok hear me out
DH snores. And I don’t mean some nights. I mean every night. Two minutes into sleeping and he’s snoring and every breath is a loud snore.

it has always bothered me but I have coped for years.

now I have noticed When DH is away I get at least 8 hours sleep. When he’s in bed i’m getting max 6 because i’m constantly being woken up. I think this is unfair to me so I have asked DH to sleep in the guest room permanently.

I don’t want anyone suggesting he sleep on his side, cut back alcohol, lose weight etc as he has done all that and nothing has worked He has refused to see the GP.

if you can provide a REAL solution then I will be open to hearing it please.

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

I am a light sleeper and constantly getting less sleep than I deserve.

I have used earmuffs, sleeping pills, etc but these are non sustainable. I’m really miserable about this and beginning to dread coming to bed at night. It’s affecting how I even feel towards DH as I think if roles were reversed I would seek a solution to the problem.

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

OP posts:
saffy2 · 11/10/2023 19:25

We don’t have a spare room and my partner frequently sleeps on the sofa due to snoring. Why should I move? I’m not disrupting his sleep 😂
im currently pregnant, and he has spent almost the entire pregnancy on the sofa so far because I’m waking enough as it is with weeing, sickness, uncomfortableness etc so he has just camped downstairs the entire time 🙈😂

User68 · 11/10/2023 19:35

My husband snores a fair bit plus twitches, kicks and fidgets! I am always in bed before him so usually can sleep through but we’ve started using my son’s old room to occasionally sleep separately. If one of us has an early start the other goes to the spare or if my husband comes in v. late from work he will head in there so he doesn’t disturb me. It’s a comfortable bed and a lovely room so both happy to do that. I can see a day in the future when we have our own rooms completely. I’d make your spare as you want it and move in there. Nothing worse than sleep deprivation!

Munchyseeds2 · 11/10/2023 19:45

Why don't you make the spare room a nice room for you?

Lelu2021 · 11/10/2023 19:58

I am currently in this situation (9 months pregnant) and my partner has gone to the GP and ended up getting a sleep apnea machine a lot faster than expected after being examined. He also sleeps downstairs when that machine doesn't work or I have insomnia.

Sleep divorce is real and I'm totally on board. I have recommended me moving to the spare bedroom but I would need to fork out the money for a decent mattress. Tbh this is priority for me after baby is born. We cannot live without sleep. (He says for me to not spend any money and he will sleep on the sofa but I don't want him ruining our sofa 😅)

wildwestpioneer · 11/10/2023 20:06

There are lots of options
He moves to the spare room
You move to the spare room
He sees the GP

He can pick one of those. He can't help snoring, but he can help how he deals with it, and asking you to 'suck it up' isn't an option

My dh has ended up having an op to sort his snoring out, but tbh it was either that or we slept in different rooms, or, we divorced. It was utter hell not getting enough sleep for days/weeks/years

SauvignonBlanche · 11/10/2023 20:13

sleepwouldbenice · 10/10/2023 00:29

Why on earth would some suggest the OP moves to the spare room not the DH? Bizarre!

It’s the OP who is being affected by the situation. If the spare room is comfy I’d be long gone.

AmIEnough · 11/10/2023 20:32

I’min exactly the same boat. DH thought it was my problem to deal with and I should be the one to find a solution. I did….. now sleep in the spare room! Problem solved!! 🤣

User1786 · 11/10/2023 20:51

Not unreasonable to ask I suppose, and if he doesn’t want to then you could move to the guest room

HowcanIhelp123 · 11/10/2023 20:58

My DH used to snore. Started after we'd been together a few years and drove me mental. When I told him he did EVERYTHING to stop it. Air purifier in case it was dust, got his sinus' checked out. Eventually managed to get him referred for a sleep study and got diagnosed with sleep aponea.

He now has a CPAP machine and it was a game changer. I'm a light sleeper - I can't sleep with a fan on - but the CPAP machine is absolutely fine, its so much quieter than people said it would be. Both of us sleep so much better. Even he can see how much its helped him. Before he'd fall asleep on the sofa, always had headaches/migraines, felt very sluggish. He now can't sleep without it.

whynotwhatknot · 11/10/2023 21:17

I snore and my dh moved to the other room-bought a bed he liked made it his own space

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/10/2023 21:21

I read years ago that women, on the whole sleep more lightly then men, because they are programmed to wake and feed children. So that women are much more likely to have their sleep disturbed by a bed partner than men. You have been really clear with him and he has been totally dismissive. If you can afford to make the spare into your dream bedroom, do it. If not, insist he move. This is not your problem to solve and his complete lack of respect for you here is not a good sign. Is he usually a selfish arse?

Munchyseeds2 · 11/10/2023 22:00

SauvignonBlanche · 11/10/2023 20:13

It’s the OP who is being affected by the situation. If the spare room is comfy I’d be long gone.

Show quote history

Wouldn't bother me as long as I could sleep

HamBone · 11/10/2023 22:01

Have you decided what to do, OP?

Regardless of your DH’s awkward attitude, sleep deprivation is extremely bad for YOUR health so you need to do what’s best for you.

I’d be fixing up the spare room and enjoying a solid eight hours in there, you’ll feel so much better. 💐

Misty333 · 11/10/2023 22:25

You would be surprised at how many people sleep in separate bedrooms. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. Sleep is so important it makes a huge difference. Enjoy a good nights sleep.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/10/2023 22:35

"He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores."
If may not be his fault he snores. But, it also may be, because he hasn't taken any steps to investigate it!

Regardless, it is his fault that your sleep is disturbed, and he is being very inconsiderate to take no steps to mitigate his snoring. I moved into the spare room because I snore! I was aware I was disturbing DH's sleep, so I thought it best. Your husband needs to do the same.

If he won't, you should move yourself to the spare room. And maybe upgrade it to be your bedroom rather than the spare.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/10/2023 22:36

Mine snores. I moved into spare room. He was grumpy about it at first but soon realised that we both sleep better apart.
I LOVE having my own room.
The snoring was unbearable.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 11/10/2023 22:37

Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2023 00:23

Totally fine for one of you to move to the spare room, but why does it have to be him?

He's the snorer keeping OP awake obviously

Blueink · 11/10/2023 22:37

I agree with PP & would take over the spare room myself

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 11/10/2023 22:41

YANBU OP. My DH snores but luckily I'm a heavy sleeper and usually asleep first but on the occasions where he's been asleep before me it keeps me awake and I move to the spare room. If he won't see a doctor then he sleeps in the spare room, snorers can be incredibly selfish.

HMW1906 · 11/10/2023 22:45

My husband and I sleep separately due to his snoring, we pretty much always have even before we were married. It used to be that we’d go to bed in the same bedroom then once he woke me up snoring (or started snoring before I even went to sleep) then I would move to the spare room but then I was getting broken sleep every night as it would take me ages to fall back to sleep once I’d moved. Now we just have separate bedrooms (I suppose I sleep in the spare bedroom still as I have the double bed and he has the king size), when we have guests staying over generally one of us will end up on the settee. It’s far from ideal but it works for us and I can honestly say we wouldn’t be together anymore if we didn’t sleep in separate bedrooms, it was too exhausting when we slept together and that was before we were even married/engaged and now we’ve been married 5 years and have 2 young children.

StarDolphins · 11/10/2023 22:49

Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2023 00:23

Totally fine for one of you to move to the spare room, but why does it have to be him?

Why shouldn’t it be him?

feelingfree17 · 11/10/2023 23:06

Nothing worse than being kept awake by a snorer. Off one of you pops to the spare room - never to return!
Surprising how many couples do sleep separately, me included.

ErrolTheDragon · 11/10/2023 23:11

Surprising how many couples do sleep separately

More surprising so many don't, once they're older and if they have the room! It's the secret of many a long happy marriage.

unsync · 11/10/2023 23:13

If he won't go to the doctor, he can't claim it is not his fault he snores. In the meantime, he can sleep elsewhere.

Grandmanetty · 11/10/2023 23:42

We have this problem but in reverse. I am the snorer. ( neighbours have even banged on the wall. I have even had surgery to help it but it didn't work. In the end we will always snuggle in together but as soon as he nudges me I will just get up and move to the spare room. That way we both sleep well. Apart from the times it's really bad and I wake myself up.

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