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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to move to the guest room

287 replies

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 00:16

Ok hear me out
DH snores. And I don’t mean some nights. I mean every night. Two minutes into sleeping and he’s snoring and every breath is a loud snore.

it has always bothered me but I have coped for years.

now I have noticed When DH is away I get at least 8 hours sleep. When he’s in bed i’m getting max 6 because i’m constantly being woken up. I think this is unfair to me so I have asked DH to sleep in the guest room permanently.

I don’t want anyone suggesting he sleep on his side, cut back alcohol, lose weight etc as he has done all that and nothing has worked He has refused to see the GP.

if you can provide a REAL solution then I will be open to hearing it please.

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

I am a light sleeper and constantly getting less sleep than I deserve.

I have used earmuffs, sleeping pills, etc but these are non sustainable. I’m really miserable about this and beginning to dread coming to bed at night. It’s affecting how I even feel towards DH as I think if roles were reversed I would seek a solution to the problem.

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

OP posts:
BabyFireflyx · 10/10/2023 01:54

I don't understand PP's saying that you should move to the spare room. It's your bedroom and your bed too, he is the problem. I'd kick the bastard down to the sofa.
I'd only be moving to the spare room myself if there was a double bed with all personal preferences conducive to having a good sleep. He is the problem and not willing to even try to solve it.
I guess in your situation if he's being such a twat, I'd kit out the spare room. Double bed, feather quilt and pillows, eyemask, weighted blanket as necessary and wax earplugs just in case. You deserve good sleep, every night. If he's being an insensitive twat then set yourself up in that room with every comfort you want. Get all the sleep you need. God help him if he wants sex Grin
I’m a bitch though so he'd get a fucking kick in the back while he's snoring away for being so fucking unreasonable.

Snowwhite83 · 10/10/2023 01:58

Hi OP,
Have you tried recording dp snoring and briefly playing it back to him so he can understand what you are dealing with? I also second you going in the spare room if he won'f do so. Good luck!

Millybob · 10/10/2023 01:59

She can't force him to move, but it would be the gentlemanly thing to do - as he's the snorer. But no reason why both rooms can't be made comfortable if it's a permanent move.
Anyway, sleeping together is vastly over-rated. I can never understand why everyone in the family gets their own space except for the two people who are actually paying the mortgage.

ExtinguishTheLight · 10/10/2023 02:04

I'd already be in the spare room. I can't bear snoring.

I put on rain ambient noise so light snoring/other sound disturbances won't bother me and also because I find it relaxing. But heavy snoring to the point it's vibrating the bed, I am off.

I'd actually rather have my own room too. You can't beat your own space in my opinion.

LaurieStrode · 10/10/2023 02:05

Snowwhite83 · 10/10/2023 01:58

Hi OP,
Have you tried recording dp snoring and briefly playing it back to him so he can understand what you are dealing with? I also second you going in the spare room if he won'f do so. Good luck!

Making a video is a great suggestion.

Lavender14 · 10/10/2023 02:08

Yanbu, you both deserve to have a good night's sleep. He is being highly unreasonable not going to the gp. My parents had this issue and turned out my dad had nasal polyps which was causing the snoring. It was resolved with a minor op.

He's obviously done certain things to try and address it, but yeah I'd let him sleep in the next room until he's willing to go to the gp.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 10/10/2023 02:14

I bought my snoring DH a battery operated thingy that gave a small shock (noise activated). Just enough to rouse slightly and stop the snoring. He wore the band on his wrist and set the 'shock' to a comfortable tingle. I was very happy but he gave up after a few weeks - one night he realised he was getting shocks when he was already awake because my snoring was setting it off!!

buckingmad · 10/10/2023 02:16

Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2023 00:23

Totally fine for one of you to move to the spare room, but why does it have to be him?

Because he is the problem and refuses to do anything about it?

Poppins2016 · 10/10/2023 02:41

Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2023 00:23

Totally fine for one of you to move to the spare room, but why does it have to be him?

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

Based on the lack of respect and the lack of doing anything about it (e.g. seeing the GP, etc.) I'd say it's only fair for OP to remain in her bed and her DH to move. I'd be more on the fence about who should move if it wasn't for OP's DH saying it's not his fault and declining to do anything about it, when it has such a huge impact on OP's wellbeing.

...my DH has sleep apnoea and hasn't yet found the motivation to lose weight and get it sorted out. He sleeps in the spare room. If we sleep in the same room I feel utterly sleep deprived, tortured and exhausted due to the poor quality of sleep.

Ragwort · 10/10/2023 02:52

I never understand the reluctance to sleep separately (assuming you have a comfortable spare room) my DH have had separate rooms for years ... we did share last week when we went on a short holiday ... horrendous - now we will only go on a longer holiday together if we can book s/c with more than one bedroom .. I would happily never go on holiday again if we had to share ...

onthenightfeed · 10/10/2023 03:14

Not unreasonable at all!!!! I can't stand the sound of snoring at all it goes right through me! In fact, a relationship once didn't continue once I discovered he snored as I knew I couldn't live my life like that! Very grateful my DP isn't a snorer! I'm very impressed that he is your DH and you've put up with it for this long!

Like PPs have said, you could move straight into the spare room to solve the problem quickly, and then if he wants you back in the main bedroom, he can take you seriously and go to the GP!

YireosDodeAver · 10/10/2023 03:25

Yanbu

We are in the same position and DH is reacting entirely as a decent person would - agreeing to move. He is a little sad as he likes the companionship of sharing a bed, but he says "two people only share a bed and bedroom by mutual consent and if one person no longer consents then there's option for any kind of negotiations, the other person cannot expect anyone to do something they don't consent to". That's the right reaction.

Your husband is a selfish arse who doesn't respect your right to bodily autonomy, or determining yourself what you are willing to consent to. If he won't move rooms then that's the death sentence for the marriage.

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 03:33

I would be sleeping in the spare room whenever I wanted to sleep well. And I would be insisting theat DH saw a GP about Sleep Apnea.
He should be invested in living healthy and long.

Thatladdo · 10/10/2023 03:40

Why does he automatically have to move!
He is causing the problem is a weak argument, its not a problem to him! Hes fine.

Who works most hours requiring the better comfort of the main bed, or who bought said bed.😆

Toss a coin and at least make it slightly fair

Kryten1958 · 10/10/2023 03:42

Working on the assumption that his snoring is driven by sleep apnea and he is in denial about the problem, providing proof may motivate him to see his GP.
A suitable smart watch would monitor his blood oxygen 24/7 and provide the proof that he has a medical problem.
For example my Apple Watch 8 does this and presents the results in the Health app on mi iPhone (an iPhone is required). I am sure that there is an equally good Android solution if he has an Android smart phone.
If his blood oxygen readings overnight are dangerously low, this may prompt some positive action from him.

truthhurts23 · 10/10/2023 03:47

2 people sleeping in the same bed is disgusting to me, breathing each others farts, making each other hot and uncomfortable, snoring is torture
get your own bed and don’t feel guilt about it

asleep · 10/10/2023 04:08

Well he's a selfish tosser so no, yanbu

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 10/10/2023 04:11

Much empathy. Took 17 years, marriage guidance counselling, me recording the number of decibels he produced and comparisons (a gospel church fined for breaching noise regs was one), and the United Nations definition of sleep deprivation as an illegal torture method. He had a sleep study done and was gobsmacked to discover just how many full-on apnoea episodes he has every hour. He now has a cpap machine and it’s SOOOOO much better. (He feels awful when he doesn’t use it, and even takes it camping.)

Hibiscrubbed · 10/10/2023 04:15

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying.

Does he indeed? Well, fuck him. If the selfish twat refuses to see a doctor, I’d be leaving the main bedroom if he won’t (though he fucking well should) and redecorating the spare room into my own beautiful room.

vonryanstricycle · 10/10/2023 04:18

truthhurts23 · 10/10/2023 03:47

2 people sleeping in the same bed is disgusting to me, breathing each others farts, making each other hot and uncomfortable, snoring is torture
get your own bed and don’t feel guilt about it

This ^.

We've had separate rooms for years because DH snores like a wart hog. It was wonderful after we made the decision to do this !

Peace at last 🙂

Creepyrosemary · 10/10/2023 04:19

sleepwouldbenice · 10/10/2023 00:29

Why on earth would some suggest the OP moves to the spare room not the DH? Bizarre!

I moved to the spare room and now have a lovely woman cave that I don't have to share. My closet is still in the master bedroom so DH still kind of shares his room with me. I love having my own room!

NumberTheory · 10/10/2023 04:24

If you haven’t tried a white noise player, that might help. But a room of your own is probably a better option. DH and I have been back and forth between sharing and sleeping separately for a few years and we both sleep better in our own rooms. And I have to say, I love having a space of my own.

But his attitude, that you should put up with poor sleep because it’s “not his fault”, especially married with a refusal to see his GP, is pretty atrocious. Is the lack of care typical?

SaracensMavericks · 10/10/2023 04:40

It's fine OP. My parents have been very happily married for 55 years and they have separate bedrooms because my dad snores. I can't see a problem.

Codlingmoths · 10/10/2023 04:52

So whose fault does he think it is that he, a grown adult, can’t get himself to the gp? I assume your room is better set up than the guest room so yes kick him out. ‘It’s only until I see you actually trying to find a solution, the gp are only a phone call away.’

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/10/2023 05:12

Do it… whether you move rooms or him…. I did this months ago after my DP was doing nothing about his snoring, he went one further than your DH and has been to the GP ; GP sent him for sleep apnea and blood tests and so far he has refused to do either test so he is in the spare bedroom. It is so selfish to not do anything about the snoring, sleep is a need not a want so you are not unreasonable to have separate bedrooms.