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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to move to the guest room

287 replies

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 00:16

Ok hear me out
DH snores. And I don’t mean some nights. I mean every night. Two minutes into sleeping and he’s snoring and every breath is a loud snore.

it has always bothered me but I have coped for years.

now I have noticed When DH is away I get at least 8 hours sleep. When he’s in bed i’m getting max 6 because i’m constantly being woken up. I think this is unfair to me so I have asked DH to sleep in the guest room permanently.

I don’t want anyone suggesting he sleep on his side, cut back alcohol, lose weight etc as he has done all that and nothing has worked He has refused to see the GP.

if you can provide a REAL solution then I will be open to hearing it please.

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

I am a light sleeper and constantly getting less sleep than I deserve.

I have used earmuffs, sleeping pills, etc but these are non sustainable. I’m really miserable about this and beginning to dread coming to bed at night. It’s affecting how I even feel towards DH as I think if roles were reversed I would seek a solution to the problem.

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

OP posts:
Abbymom · 10/10/2023 19:54

I'm with the 86% who agree YANBU. My husband snores so loudly you can hear him outside the house. I've moved to the guest room to sleep, and added 3 white noisemakers to help mask the sound. We now have 2 white noise makers at high volume in the hallway (that helps block the sound for everyone in the family in their bedrooms--his snoring disturbs our DD despite the fact that she's already in her own room with her door closed). I have a 3rd additional white noisemaker at medium volume in my room so that I can keep the door open a crack so our cats can wander in and out during the night.

Before moving rooms, a white noise maker was literally between our pillows at high volume, but wasn't sufficient to block the snoring. We still revert to this when we have guests using the guest room.

Givemepeas · 10/10/2023 20:00

GP will refer him to a sleep clinic. Sleep clinic will send monitoring equipment to wear for a night. If he has sleep apnea- which I suspect he does, he’ll be given a CPAP machine.
All this happened for me within 2 months and now I don’t snore anymore, sleep like a baby and feel rested like never before.

Givemepeas · 10/10/2023 20:02

My GP appt was over phone , didn’t even have to go in. Sleep
clinic I only went to in person to get the mask etc sized. I too was embarrassed and didn’t want to sleep with a machine, but it’s been transformational.

Letitgonowgr · 10/10/2023 20:04

Why can’t you sleep in there?
My DH snores and happily sleeps in guest room when it’s bad and annoys me. If he didn’t I would. I’m an absolute arsehole without sleep!

Sayitaintso33 · 10/10/2023 20:22

Millybob · 10/10/2023 01:59

She can't force him to move, but it would be the gentlemanly thing to do - as he's the snorer. But no reason why both rooms can't be made comfortable if it's a permanent move.
Anyway, sleeping together is vastly over-rated. I can never understand why everyone in the family gets their own space except for the two people who are actually paying the mortgage.

Please stop supporting the Patriarchy.

NaughtyBoyGeorgeMichaelJacksonBrown · 10/10/2023 21:35

Abbymom · 10/10/2023 19:54

I'm with the 86% who agree YANBU. My husband snores so loudly you can hear him outside the house. I've moved to the guest room to sleep, and added 3 white noisemakers to help mask the sound. We now have 2 white noise makers at high volume in the hallway (that helps block the sound for everyone in the family in their bedrooms--his snoring disturbs our DD despite the fact that she's already in her own room with her door closed). I have a 3rd additional white noisemaker at medium volume in my room so that I can keep the door open a crack so our cats can wander in and out during the night.

Before moving rooms, a white noise maker was literally between our pillows at high volume, but wasn't sufficient to block the snoring. We still revert to this when we have guests using the guest room.

Please tell me he tries any sort of mitigation?!

I would try GP, then medication, then sleep therapy, then leaving the room, then leaving the house before BEFORE I ever tried to inconvenience the person I am supposed to love.

I cannot understand knowing that you (albeit unwittingly) disturb the rest, relaxation, peace and sleep of the people you are supposed to love and just giving zero shits and carrying on as is.

DISGRACEFUL.

HMP70 · 10/10/2023 21:50

YANBU!!! DH & I sleep in different rooms. I could wake the dead snoring. I have central sleep apnea after a brain injury, have a CPAP machine, which has been amazing, I was a different woman! He works odd hours so up at 4.30am, me at 7am. It just works we nip in for cuddles, chats before sleep. He also struggles on & off with insomnia. Plus likes to watch TV or listen to audio books before sleep, I need total darkness & don't like the sci fi or horror stories he likes. So it's me & the dog in one room him in the other. It works for us & we are much happier for it. It's only actually sleeping apart, so what does it matter.
Seriously he needs to be checked for sleep apnea, apart from been constantly tired, it can cause heart problems & all sorts of other issues.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/10/2023 22:10

gannett · 10/10/2023 08:05

If you think "you're a selfish cunt, fuck off to the spare room" is an acceptable thing to say to your partner, you might have deeper issues. If a man spoke to me (a snorer) like that he wouldn't be my partner for much longer.

It's not about "penis-worshipping" but I am amazed at the number of MNers who seem to despise, like really really loathe, their husbands. Divorce them already if they're that bad!

Snoring is not a malicious act nor a deliberate one. Both DP and I snore but have never reacted to the other one with abusive language or kicking. Separate bedrooms is the answer and as OP has a spare room it's an easy one for her that doesn't require any angst at all.

Show quote history

Do you know what is a deliberate act? Refusing to go to the doctor. Telling your partner to ‘suck it up’.

Do you think those are the actions of a loving partner?

Wise up.

44PumpLane · 10/10/2023 22:19

I voted YABU as surely you should just pop through to the spare room and kip?

YANBU to want to sleep in separate rooms, I also much prefer that for similar reasons!

Battyfumworts · 10/10/2023 23:42

LaurieStrode · 10/10/2023 01:40

💯 this

Show quote history

Agreed, wholeheartedly.

He really should see a GP, he could have sleep apnea or hypertension.

Pokinganose · 11/10/2023 00:14

My dh and me sleep in separate rooms for the same reason. Best decision ever. Both of us get a better night's sleep. If he's the one that snores then he's the one that moves to the spare room. Thems is the rules! 😅. Just do it.

xyz111 · 11/10/2023 00:24

Just go into the spare room yourself. I do when my husband snores. Anti snore pillows have helped so it's not as often now.

Momtotwokids · 11/10/2023 02:09

My husband snored and would fall asleep during the day including driving. Had a sleep study test and wears a C-pac machine. Your husband probably isn't getting enough oxygen try and convince him to see a doctor.

Bouledeneige · 11/10/2023 08:27

I'd definitely get one of you moved into the spare room. Lack of sleep is torture.

I'd also record his snoring and play it to him (and if he won't listen - to friends and family) and ask whether someone should be made to sleep with that!

If he cared he'd go to the doctor. I had a BF who went to the doctor and had a nose operation so I didn't have to suffer it.

NotTerfNorCis · 11/10/2023 08:31

He may have sleep apnea, but if he won’t go to the doctor’s, it’s not going to improve

The doctor would probably not be able to do anything unless he's suffering serious sleepiness during the day.

PickledPurplePickle · 11/10/2023 08:40

I know you know this but he needs to go to the GP and get tested for sleep apnea

A wedge pillow might help a bit, but he probably needs a CPAP machine

So yes, one of you in the spare room

Its5656 · 11/10/2023 10:06

Yep send him off to the spare room.. also not your job to convince him to go to the GP either, he's an adult who can arrange his own doctors appointment! He also shouldn't be okay with keeping you awake at night, selfish twat!

redribbonrose · 11/10/2023 18:28

I sympathise: ivr had a wonderful few nights sleep whilst he was away for work. Glorious 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep

separate rooms is a
good solution. at least some of the week

LizM66 · 11/10/2023 18:31

I am busy decorating spare room (now eldest moved out). Given up as he denies even when taped/ filmed, (Don't go there😂). I can dip in and out of our room when I like as I will miss him.......but I need sleep)

Mummadeze · 11/10/2023 18:35

We don’t have a spare room but I have just bought a single futon mattress for the study floor and have moved on to that because I snore and my partner couldn’t stand it anymore. I am trying really hard to lose weight now so I can get off the mattress on the floor and move back to the bed!

TC3 · 11/10/2023 18:36

Hi Op
my OH breaths that's enough for me that and the snoring I have moved to
the spare room
a but like you when
hes not there I'm like a new woman with a full nights sleep! It for Sure clouds my feelings for him and sleep deprivation is horrendous so no wisdom but I feel your pain!

pphammer · 11/10/2023 18:48

YNBU
He should really see a doctor to quickly check that condition

sleepybuthappy · 11/10/2023 18:50

My husband was an awful snorer and for years slept in the spare room - I would say his name or pat his arm every time he started snoring as there was no way I could sleep througg it and he would often just give up and go to the spare room. If he had a cold or was v tired he just went straight to the spare room. I wonder if you need to start waking your husband each time he starts snoring so he understands how disruptive it is for you?
Anyway, after trying loads of things he bought a sleep wedge and I can't tell you how much its changed our lives! He almost never snores now and finds it comfortable to sleep on/feels much better rested. We have now repurposed our spare room as we don't ever need it any more! Might be worth having a look in to a wedge?

Barney60 · 11/10/2023 19:14

You are not wrong, but i would /did go to the other room.
My husband was a seriously loud snorer, he tried everything, stopped drinking lost weight, went to GP, even had the dangly thing at the back of his throat reduced as they said it was that vibrating, it did no good.
Just move to the other room, if its good enough for the royal family its good enough for others.

Ohyournotwearingadress · 11/10/2023 19:19

I sleep in the spare room. I start in our bed and if he starts I sod off, sometimes I come back at 6am and he’s non the wiser, I just sleep there, all my stuff is still in our room. I also purchase a super comfy mattress which I love.