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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to move to the guest room

287 replies

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 00:16

Ok hear me out
DH snores. And I don’t mean some nights. I mean every night. Two minutes into sleeping and he’s snoring and every breath is a loud snore.

it has always bothered me but I have coped for years.

now I have noticed When DH is away I get at least 8 hours sleep. When he’s in bed i’m getting max 6 because i’m constantly being woken up. I think this is unfair to me so I have asked DH to sleep in the guest room permanently.

I don’t want anyone suggesting he sleep on his side, cut back alcohol, lose weight etc as he has done all that and nothing has worked He has refused to see the GP.

if you can provide a REAL solution then I will be open to hearing it please.

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

I am a light sleeper and constantly getting less sleep than I deserve.

I have used earmuffs, sleeping pills, etc but these are non sustainable. I’m really miserable about this and beginning to dread coming to bed at night. It’s affecting how I even feel towards DH as I think if roles were reversed I would seek a solution to the problem.

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

OP posts:
DreamItDoIt · 10/10/2023 07:33

When he wakes you up then wake him up, eventually he will move. I also don't see why the OP should move, he is the problem not her.

Notcookie · 10/10/2023 07:36

DH snores and didn't think it was a big deal until I started to wake him up every single time he woke me up. When he started suffering from sleep deprivation he took it seriously and we've had separate rooms for 10 years now.

speakout · 10/10/2023 07:39

Separate rooms here too- it is bliss. My OH is a snorer and my sleep is important to me.
Our relationship has not suffered at all, still very close and happy.

Celticdawn5 · 10/10/2023 07:41

I also have moved into a different bedroom. the combination of snoring husband and cats became too much

SpongeBob2022 · 10/10/2023 07:44

Yanbu but in this scenario I would be making the spare room as lovely as possible and just moving myself into it.

But I would also be making it clear how utterly selfish he is that I'm having to do this and would not be happy.

He sounds awful. He'd better have some redeeming features!

FOJN · 10/10/2023 07:48

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores.

The selfishness of some men never ceases to amaze me.

Does he really think that you should be able to sleep through his snoring just because he's not doing it intentionally?

Not seeking a solution even though he knows your sleep is disturbed is intentional.

Sleep in separate rooms and get a goods night rest. If he's that bothered he will try do something about it.

Zwicky · 10/10/2023 07:50

YABU to go through your life sleep deprived when you have an entire room to spare. Idk how you “make” him move when he doesn’t gaf though. I’d rather sleep 8 hours in a spare room than 6 in the main room but some people seem to think the spare room is a fate worse than death and worth being sleep deprived to avoid. Maybe you could make your spare room nice.

k1233 · 10/10/2023 07:52

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores.

Until he has investigated and exhausted medical treatment it IS his fault that he snores.

WrongSwanson · 10/10/2023 07:56

I don't understand why you dont move to the guest room?

He does need to go to the Dr though , to eliminate any medical causes.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/10/2023 07:58

Somebody should move to the spare room (imo).

Is there a specific reason why you can´t move? (e.g., mobility issues, closer to external sources of noise...)

I would however encourage you to furnish the "spare" bedroom the way the person who sleeps there (whether you or DH) prefers. It shouldn´t be considered a spare room but somebody´s regular bedroom/their personal space.

This could be an opportunity to have some fun with interior decoration (if you have the funds).

Why not go all out and transform it into your perfect space/room?

WickedSerious · 10/10/2023 07:58

I moved out of 'our' bedroom six years ago.I still have the occasional bad night because DP's snoring is the kind that shakes the entire house,but on the whole it's a lot better than it was when we shared a bed.

RampantIvy · 10/10/2023 07:58

Until he has investigated and exhausted medical treatment it IS his fault that he snores.

Exactly @k1233

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/10/2023 07:59

Btw: It is his fault that he snores. seeing as he doesn´t want to go to the doctor (which he definitely should!)

BardRelic · 10/10/2023 08:00

I'd kick the bastard down to the sofa.

Practically though, how do you think the OP should do that? If her H were reasonable and rational, I'd say ask him to move. But the thread is about him being unreasonable, because he won't deal with his snoring. So how is she supposed to make someone bigger and stronger than her, who is unreasonable and selfish, do something he doesn't want to do?

If it were me, I'd be moving to the spare room myself and making it my room. Then I'd be having a long, hard think about whether there were other ways in which my H was so selfish, and whether or not I wanted to remain married to someone who was such a dickhead, and also someone inclined to go 'haha, make me' when faced with a reasonable request that he doesn't want to do.

SoupDragon · 10/10/2023 08:01

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

Alternatively, you could move into the guest room and solve the problem immediately and with no fuss.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 08:03

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/10/2023 07:22

Don't pay the MRAs any attention.

Don't expect them to get your username either, and not just because they've never read any book that wasn't made of chewable cotton/viscose.

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😂

QuizzlyBear · 10/10/2023 08:03

I could have written this a few years ago! There's a reason that sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture.

My DH snores ridiculously loudly and refuses to see the dr. Tried everything otc for both his snoring and to help me sleep - it was useless.

He now sleeps permanently in the spare room and we BOTH get a good night's sleep. Not sure I could ever go back, in all honesty. We share on holiday etc and just accept that we won't get much rest!

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:03

lovemelongtime · 10/10/2023 07:19

Because that way the OP is in control.

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How is she in control having to leave her bedroom and her things?

He needs to move.

gannett · 10/10/2023 08:05

ElFupacabra · 10/10/2023 06:44

Because it is far easier for the OP to move (and sort out the "spare" bedroom to her liking) than it would be to ask him to move.
How is easier for the OP to move and sort an entire room out that saying “you’re a selfish cunt, fuck off in the spare room” and getting to have her lovely master bedroom which is presumably already sorted to her liking? The penis worshippers on this place whooo, wild.

If you think "you're a selfish cunt, fuck off to the spare room" is an acceptable thing to say to your partner, you might have deeper issues. If a man spoke to me (a snorer) like that he wouldn't be my partner for much longer.

It's not about "penis-worshipping" but I am amazed at the number of MNers who seem to despise, like really really loathe, their husbands. Divorce them already if they're that bad!

Snoring is not a malicious act nor a deliberate one. Both DP and I snore but have never reacted to the other one with abusive language or kicking. Separate bedrooms is the answer and as OP has a spare room it's an easy one for her that doesn't require any angst at all.

Cadenza12 · 10/10/2023 08:08

I would suggest getting a sleep app that records noise, ie snoring. You could play it back to him which may prompt him to go to the GP. If nothing it will illustrate your point. I'd probably take myself to the spare room.

NotQuiteHere · 10/10/2023 08:11

It is very likely that he does not get quality sleep either, so it is a health problem for him as well.

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 08:19

I moved to the spare room when I reached the point that I couldn't cope with the snoring any more. Not sure why you don't just move, you want separate rooms he doesn't so it seems reasonable that you should be the one who moves.

MartyFunkhouser · 10/10/2023 08:19

My husband has starting snoring over the last year or so.

He is currently sleeping in a spare room. He was somewhat disgruntled at the prospect, but we recorded him via an app for a few nights and he was mortified. I can’t understand people that put up with it, tbh.

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 08:21

DreamItDoIt · 10/10/2023 07:33

When he wakes you up then wake him up, eventually he will move. I also don't see why the OP should move, he is the problem not her.

She wants separate rooms, he doesn't. Seems pretty obvious the answer is for her to move. She's going to go in there and sleep for 8 hrs why make a big deal of which room she's asleep in. I'm in the smallest bedroom in the house, my clothes etc are still in the main bedroom, I have a cosy little room and I sleep in it.

TucSandwich · 10/10/2023 08:21

YABU to not move to the spare room yourself. Do it today.