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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to move to the guest room

287 replies

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 00:16

Ok hear me out
DH snores. And I don’t mean some nights. I mean every night. Two minutes into sleeping and he’s snoring and every breath is a loud snore.

it has always bothered me but I have coped for years.

now I have noticed When DH is away I get at least 8 hours sleep. When he’s in bed i’m getting max 6 because i’m constantly being woken up. I think this is unfair to me so I have asked DH to sleep in the guest room permanently.

I don’t want anyone suggesting he sleep on his side, cut back alcohol, lose weight etc as he has done all that and nothing has worked He has refused to see the GP.

if you can provide a REAL solution then I will be open to hearing it please.

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

I am a light sleeper and constantly getting less sleep than I deserve.

I have used earmuffs, sleeping pills, etc but these are non sustainable. I’m really miserable about this and beginning to dread coming to bed at night. It’s affecting how I even feel towards DH as I think if roles were reversed I would seek a solution to the problem.

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 10/10/2023 08:26

HamBone · 10/10/2023 00:24

I’d move myself into the spare room and then I’d have control over the situation.

He may have sleep apnea, but if he won’t go to the doctor’s, it’s not going to improve. Take care of your needs if he won’t take care of himself. You must be so frustrated.

I voted YANBU but this is what I do. It's not every night but if it starts before I am asleep I am straight off to the other room. I haven't yet made the decision to make it MY room and take all my things there but I'm not far off.

StopStartStop · 10/10/2023 08:34

It's your problem, so you get to move to the guest room.

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:36

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 08:21

She wants separate rooms, he doesn't. Seems pretty obvious the answer is for her to move. She's going to go in there and sleep for 8 hrs why make a big deal of which room she's asleep in. I'm in the smallest bedroom in the house, my clothes etc are still in the main bedroom, I have a cosy little room and I sleep in it.

Show quote history

Seems like you’ve given yourself a bum deal, moving to the little room whereas your snoring DH has the larger room and now you want OP to do the same.

Your username shows you may have some regrets Wink

FeedMeSantiago · 10/10/2023 08:37

He's being selfish. DH complained about my snoring so I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with mild sleep apnoea. I'm now waiting to see a surgeon for treatment. I went to my GP 18 months ago and whilst I've been waiting for a diagnosis and treatment I've taken steps to reduce the snoring - anti snore pillow, nasal spray and oral snore strips. I have offered to move to the spare room but DH prefers to keep sharing. I do sleep in the spare room when the snoring is worse due to flu/colds etc.

It turns out my sleep apnoea is caused by dodgy jaw alignment and should therefore be fixable by surgery to break and realign my jaw (if the surgeon agrees is appropriate in my case as I have some other conditions) and if not, I can get a CPAP machine.

Going to the GP about snoring can be a bit embarrassing but it needs to be done. If he does have sleep apnoea then it could be a serious risk to his health. Also, it's not fair to subject you to it. Has he tried anything at all to help?

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:37

StopStartStop · 10/10/2023 08:34

It's your problem, so you get to move to the guest room.

It’s his problem actually, he’s the snorer who has so little respect for his wife he won’t get it treated.

bigdecisionstomake · 10/10/2023 08:39

YANBU and if he won't get medical help then the spare room is his only option really.

DP used to be a really bad snorer but went to the GP about something else and whilst there they discovered he had a deviated septum. He had surgery to correct that and now rarely snores at all (only when he has had far too much to drink!)

It might be worth having one last push to see if you can get him to go to the GP?

Fifthtimelucky · 10/10/2023 08:45

I have also moved to the spare room for a similar reason.

As to why I moved, rather than asking him to:

  1. I was the one unhappy with the status quo.
  2. "our" bedroom is en-suite. As a man in his 70s with a dodgy prostate, he needs quick access to a loo more than I do.
  3. "our" bedroom has a king-size bed. He is a foot taller than me and is more comfortable in a bigger bed.
billy1966 · 10/10/2023 08:50

Absolutely he should move.

Mind you if he is as selfish as he sounds I wouldn't want to be around him at all.

I snore on occasion particularly when absolutely exhausted AND when I put on weight.

I am currently trying to lose weight as a result.

Weight around the face and neck can affect snoring apparently.

Move to the guest room if he won't move but definitely protect your sleep which is vital for your general wellbeing.

Feraldogmum · 10/10/2023 08:53

My husband and I have separate bedrooms,always have as we both snore and I have chronic pain.Been happily married nearly 32 years, lot of our friends sleep separately for the same reason and have no issues with it. Folk get divorced over snoring,sleep deprivation does not make for a happy marriage.

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 08:53

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:03

How is she in control having to leave her bedroom and her things?

He needs to move.

Show quote history

Actually, he doesn't. The need is hers.

OccultOctopus · 10/10/2023 08:59

I'd opt for the more permanent and more comfortable seperate rooms rather than have a guest room that someone sleeps in permanently. Just have two bedrooms and do what is required to make both into nice rooms for the occupant to seep.

If the layout means one room is clearly 'better' than the other (eg bigger), draw straws.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/10/2023 08:59

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. I’d present it as a choice though - either see the doctor for a proper solution or move into the spare room. I don’t see why you should be the one to move rooms if he’s the one with the problem and refusing to do anything about it. But his snoring may also indicate a health problem. Obstructive sleep apnoea is a condition that increases the risk of high blood pressure and cardio vascular problems. Maybe address this and have another go at getting your GP involved.

Merryoldgoat · 10/10/2023 09:02

I wouldn’t spend 5 minutes with someone who refused to see the doctor about a medical issue. It’s just ridiculous.

He’s probably got sleep apnoea and needs a CPAP. I got one very easily on the NHS and it’s brilliant.

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 09:10

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:36

Seems like you’ve given yourself a bum deal, moving to the little room whereas your snoring DH has the larger room and now you want OP to do the same.

Your username shows you may have some regrets Wink

Show quote history

No my regrets go back to my ex. I haven't got the bum deal though, I need a room to sleep in, it is actually good for people who have poor sleep (OP says she's a light sleeper and so am I) to have a simple room with no distractions. I sleep in the room, I don't live in it and the wonderful thing is I do sleep.

MollyMarples · 10/10/2023 09:16

YANBU. Sleep is very important. I’m asking my DH to go and sleep elsewhere tonight, after several broken nights due to his obsession with checking his bloody phone and dealing with emails in the middle of the night!

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 09:16

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/10/2023 08:26

I voted YANBU but this is what I do. It's not every night but if it starts before I am asleep I am straight off to the other room. I haven't yet made the decision to make it MY room and take all my things there but I'm not far off.

Show quote history

I used to do the moving in the night but I find it much better to just sleep in another room.

I still view the main bedroom as our bedroom, it has my things in I go in there to use the ensuite, to use wardrobes etc. I just happen to sleep in another room. I've a very poor sleeper and I find a small room with virtually nothing in it is a positive thing for me.

We do have another bedroom exactly the same size as the main bedroom, the only difference is it doesn't have an ensuite but it is next to the bathroom so that isn't an issue for me. I could do that room up as mine if I wanted to but I'm happy in my little room where I can sleep.

DinoMummsy · 10/10/2023 09:19

Yanbu, just start sleeping in spare room if he won't move. You'll feel so much better getting uninterrupted sleep.

ChillysWaterBottle · 10/10/2023 09:19

He should move into the spare room, yes.

If he refuses - which he shouldn't, if he's a decent person - wake him up every time he wakes you up. Every single time, and make sure he's fully awake.

The situation is deeply unfair to you.

ActDottie · 10/10/2023 09:19

I put YABU because I don’t understand why he has to use the spare room? Why can’t you use the spare room?

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 10/10/2023 09:19

Having your own room away from a snorer is the best thing ever. If he won’t help himself or move, then go yourself. He’s being selfish.

MsRosley · 10/10/2023 09:25

Another own bedroom wife here. Wouldn't have it any other way. I like my own space and I am a poor sleeper at the best of times.

snickersandmarsandbounty · 10/10/2023 09:29

I am in the guest room my DH snores like a trumpet, I toss and turn all night due to menopause which then wakes him- it works

mynewusername2023 · 10/10/2023 09:34

My husband snores, is a light sleeper and is always roasting hot. I snore, I toss and turn and I like a cool bedroom.

As such DH and I sleep in different rooms. We both have a king size bed as the two main bedrooms are the same size. It works perfectly for us and we now only sleep in the same bed when we have to. Even on holiday we always book a hotel room with two double beds.

Robinni · 10/10/2023 09:35

YANBU

However, I’d be worried he has sleep apnea.

He really needs to see a GP for his own benefit.

MimiGC · 10/10/2023 09:41

Do it. We sleep separately for the same reasons and it works for us.

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