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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
Mummasummer · 10/10/2023 06:45

I have 2 step children ( 13&18) and then two children ( 1&2) with DH.

We went away last week in May while both children were under 2 so we’re free and during term time. It meant we saved a fortune on a holiday . No way would we have been able to afford An aadddironal two children and in school holidays .
However truthfully I did feel bad not taking the steps children and several times DH expressed his wish that the older children were there. I definitely want to save up and take ALL children away.

I will be honest

  • DS 13 and her dad bicker alot she is a normal emotional teen girl and we have a lot of drama and the atmosphere is often tense and I find myself in the middle of her and DH at times and I was relived my first holiday in 5 years didn’t include her. That’s the truth. I’m sorry.
  • I do avoid telling step children off as icy as possible as i don’t want to damage bond but this means I often am frustrated.
  • Its awful to admit but I would have been the one organizing everyone and everything and I wouldn’t have enjoyed the holiday if the step children had come .
I am trying to be really truthful .

I love my step children and we go away for weekends and camping but it is stressful. My own children are stressful but it’s harder trying to parent but not upset teenagers who don’t class you as mum.

I had two step parents and it was hard and my dad always went on holiday without us. It was hard.
We were usually included with my mum and step dad but could often tell he was grumpy with us. I imagine he wished we step children weren’t there !

Mistressanne · 10/10/2023 06:45

fattytum · 10/10/2023 05:02

That would be why I have two post graduate degrees then 😂

The OP is complaining about having to spend time with their child, they want their ex to take them off their hands. That is what this is reading as.

There is absolutely no reason at all for the ex to be taking them on this holiday. It is a holiday with his partner and "other" family. Why would the ex's new partner want to take an additional child? Why would the OP want her child taken away?

This reads very much of the parents fighting NOT to be the one to have the child, and the ex has valid reasons for not having the child at this time but the OP doesn't.

So I am very much team ex here.

Show quote history

You certainly don’t have degrees in reading comprehension though.
You've just made up your own scenario.
Are you a politician?

PriOn1 · 10/10/2023 06:46

Mariposista · 10/10/2023 06:36

Could it be that the holiday is in term time and the child with the new partner is still not school age but your shared child is?

This isn’t allowed, apparently. Even if the step child benefited from cheap holidays when they were that age, the new mum can never have anything because she selfishly chose to marry a man who already had children and this must never have anything nice for herself and her child.

STARCATCHER22 · 10/10/2023 06:55

This was my understanding of the situation. Seems highly likely that the second child is young enough to not be in school.

If the school age child was included, both parents would be fined for taking them out of school for a holiday (which I’m going to assume the OP wouldn’t be happy about paying)

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/10/2023 06:58

That would be why I have two postgraduate degrees then

Perhaps not in psychology?

ColleenDonaghy · 10/10/2023 07:05

YANBU OP, I agree with you.

sashh · 10/10/2023 07:06

How old is the new child?

I mean at first glance this looks crap but there could be reasons. If it is a baby then it will not be doing the children's activities so it could end up your ex and DS doing one thing and now wife and baby doing something else.

If it's a 5 year old and a 7 year old then I imagine they could both do the same or similar things.

Families do things different ways. Friend's of my dad have a grandchild who goes on holiday with her siblings dad and new wife. She is not related to the two adults but dad sees her as his DD's sister so why shouldn't she go on holiday with them?

MiddleParking · 10/10/2023 07:06

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 06:45

It seems to be about the quality of the step parent. I remarried and my DH would never have suggested not taking my DC on holiday. Their biological Dad only took my eldest and youngest son once in about 10 years. He didn't invite his middle child even then because he didn't get on with his Dad so he probably would not have wanted to go anyway.

The specifics of yours or OP’s scenarios aside, though, it’s pretty meaningless to consider the ‘quality’ as a step parent of a woman (especially if she has her own children too) next to a step dad. What a holiday with their step children looks like for each of them is unlikely to be comparable.

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 07:13

MiddleParking · 10/10/2023 07:06

The specifics of yours or OP’s scenarios aside, though, it’s pretty meaningless to consider the ‘quality’ as a step parent of a woman (especially if she has her own children too) next to a step dad. What a holiday with their step children looks like for each of them is unlikely to be comparable.

Show quote history

I disagree, a decent quality step parent would accept their partners child/ren as part of the family and not to be excluded in family events/holidays.

MummytoAAandX · 10/10/2023 07:14

My DH is always happy to have my DD come with us but sometimes he wants days out or trips away just with his DSs which is fair enough. My DD goes on holiday with her dad and she goes on holiday with us. My two DSs don't go on the holidays she's on with her dad. They all know it's just the situation.

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/10/2023 07:19

I agree the most likely scenario which is seem a lot on the SP board is a pre school age child and an older one. The holiday might not be financially viable in school holiday time and presumably the older child had toddler holidays. Should the younger one not? So long as it is handled sensitively by all the adults it's fine.

Heronwatcher · 10/10/2023 07:21

TBH it sounds like you’re more upset than them, maybe because you know they’d love it and you can’t afford it which is understandable.

But are you really saying that your DP can’t ever go on holiday with his partner and child without your son? Because I do think that’s a bit unreasonable. What if the partner has paid for it? What if they can only afford it in term time? What if having your DS there the whole time means the partner and their son don’t enjoy it? And if things were different (if you could afford it) wouldn’t you be taking your son on holidays without his step-sibling?

I would definitely have a chat with your ex about your DS potentially being a bit upset (if he actually is) and suggest that they do something nice together (maybe even another holiday) but I think you need to take all of your emotions/ guilt out of the situation.

MummytoAAandX · 10/10/2023 07:22

I think that's unfair. My DH is an amazing step dad and I think I'm a pretty good mum. Just because we don't take my DD on every holiday doesn't mean anyone is not doing their bit. She comes with us and goes with her dad. If she came in all of our holidays and all of her dad's she would have twice the number of holidays as my DSs

ORYX99 · 10/10/2023 07:22

I wouldn't not taking my son, but equally see why people do choose to do it this way. My dad took my brothers on a boys holiday once and left me home, it was fine. My mum took me away on my own, it was fine. It balances out.

Narwall · 10/10/2023 07:23

I think it's fine in some circumstances- ie if the father is a decent dad and is actively involved in their life, takes them away, financially supports them etc. I was a step child and I had no desire to go away on holiday with my half siblings and step mother to be honest, but I saw my dad plenty, we went away together and my mum could also afford to take me away on holiday. I can see how it stings when you can't afford a holiday so the child misses out, but especially if the child isn't in school yet so it's cheaper can see why.

Branleuse · 10/10/2023 07:27

I think it's shitty to do this unless the other child will be able to have the same by themselves or have it made up to them.
Esp at age 7

Gotanygrapes84 · 10/10/2023 07:29

Totally normal.

you wouldn't take their "biological" half sibling on a holiday with you. I'm sure there will be other times when DS goes with them.

you sound like the stereotypical difficult ex partner who feels threatened by someone moving on.

Saschka · 10/10/2023 07:29

He hasn’t forgotten - he wants a holiday with his “new family” and his old family are surplus to requirements.

Many men seem to have a relationship with their children solely via the woman they are shagging. Dump your girlfriend, dump your kids without a backwards glance. Meet a new girlfriend, take over her kids. Dump her, dump the new set of kids. No obvious special bond with their own biological children. It baffles me, but I’ve seen it happen often enough to know it’s a real thing.

lunar1 · 10/10/2023 07:32

Because they are cunts, no need for all the dressing it up that goes on here to try and validate excluding children.

Catsmere · 10/10/2023 07:36

Does DS even like his step- and half-siblings? I know I'd have loathed having to spend time with my father's stepkids, or him and his new wife (they started an affair while he was married to my mother).

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 07:40

Gotanygrapes84 · 10/10/2023 07:29

Totally normal.

you wouldn't take their "biological" half sibling on a holiday with you. I'm sure there will be other times when DS goes with them.

you sound like the stereotypical difficult ex partner who feels threatened by someone moving on.

Even though the little boy won’t have a holiday? It’s a disgrace to exclude a child from a fun child centred holiday in favour of the new family he has shackled up with. It’s on the father now to provide an equal experience for his son so it remains fair, it’s not about ‘moving on’ but about fairness, inclusion and decency.

I would leave any partner that expected me to forgo my own child like this, and would have no interest in staying with someone so selfish.

rwalker · 10/10/2023 07:41

It’s common in split families hope your not projecting your feelings on to your DS

SemperIdem · 10/10/2023 07:45

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 07:40

Even though the little boy won’t have a holiday? It’s a disgrace to exclude a child from a fun child centred holiday in favour of the new family he has shackled up with. It’s on the father now to provide an equal experience for his son so it remains fair, it’s not about ‘moving on’ but about fairness, inclusion and decency.

I would leave any partner that expected me to forgo my own child like this, and would have no interest in staying with someone so selfish.

Edited
Show quote history

We have no idea what the father has planned in terms of holidays, unless I have missed an update?

ASCCM · 10/10/2023 07:46

Step families are complex, hard work and very expensive.

I would love to get away with just taking my kids on holiday tbh. My DH won’t do it. But it does mean we are so restricted on what we can afford etc. ( and I often am the one paying)

It’s unfortunate that it falls on the weekend that he should be with his dad, that is shitty planning , but on the whole I don’t see the issue with them going away without him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/10/2023 07:46

I have no idea what you're talking about. Why don't you explain in the original post whether you're talking about adults or children, whether they all live together etc?

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