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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
Saoirse82 · 10/10/2023 05:15

Biscuitmonster2318 · 09/10/2023 22:34

I have done this repeatedly through the years. I’m a single parent with 4 kids. We have a holiday together, but during the year for bday’s i will take each away for a few days. It’s really nice to have some time together exploring and enjoying each other’s company. I feel that I can then ensure each child has time doing exactly what they want and my absolute attention.
I have children ranging from 27- 13 and all wants to do different things. So the holidays together then it’s about compromise.
but i love having our own holidays together too

A moot point because it's not comparable with this situation.

Saoirse82 · 10/10/2023 05:26

Titchyfeep · 09/10/2023 23:00

I’m assuming blended family. I have 3 kids. My eldest was from a previous relationship and spends more time with her dad than me. She does come on family holidays but there will be occasions when she stays with her dad and me and my husband take our 2 other children away. I don’t feel bad for doing so.

What a shit way to treat your child and feel no guilt about it.

That'll come back on you in the future, and rightly so.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 05:38

I imagine your child feels hurt and rejected so unless his father is taking him away separately then yes it’s very poor form, especially if they have the space…and his father knows you couldn’t afford to take him.

Lastchancechica · 10/10/2023 05:43

Saoirse82 · 10/10/2023 05:15

A moot point because it's not comparable with this situation.

Show quote history

And most people can’t stretch to 5 holidays a year!

PuddlesPityParty · 10/10/2023 05:43

Has your DC expressed that they’re upset or are you projecting? How old are they?

temperedolive · 10/10/2023 05:50

My father took my brother to Kenya when we were teens, and I was not invited. It definitely hurt.

However, my father had full physical custody of me, and only saw my brother OEW. They really did need time together to bond and reconnect. I didn't understand it at the time, since my family generally sucks at discussing feelings, but I can see it more clearly now.

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 05:57

This sounds like a parent reflecting their feelings onto a child rather that explaining why, in all families, sometimes all kids don't go to all functions, holidays etc.
One would assume that there is a valid reason as to why the younger child is going. It could be a holiday paid for by the step Mum's family and where the ex husband is tagging along to be the child carer while his wife is having quality time with her mother etc.

I would try to help the seven year old understand that life is fair if they have enough holidays, a loving regular time with Dad and Mum, go to a happy school, live in a safe and comfortable home and have extended family who love them.

They are being set up for disappointment if they are being encouraged to feel hard done by if they don't have a life exactly the same as a half sibling. Teach a child to be positive and grateful not jealous and always with an axe to grind. You don't want kids growing up with a chip on their shoulder.

The seven year old should be able to be happy for their sibling, talk about their trip openly and, conversely, share things with their half siblings about any holidays they have with their own Mum or Granny or cousins.

Having most holidays together with half siblings is good enough and very fortunate.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/10/2023 06:05

crumblingschools · 09/10/2023 22:22

If you read any step parenting threads it is okay to go on holiday and take DC in new relationship and leave DC from first family behind

Yep. It's also okay to...

  • go on holiday with your first family child(ren) and not bring the second ones.
  • go on holiday with some of your kids (even when they all have the same biological parents)
  • Go on holiday with no kids and sometimes no partner.

My parents went on holidays and for particular reasons didn't take all the kids (exams, some being preschool Vs school, later some being a uni /work vs school, if it was a particular type of holiday like skiing, hiking... or fishing 😑)

School holidays cost a huge amount more.
It's a consideration generally but COL had made it even more true.

Yabu but it's understandable to be defensive for your child

angsanana · 10/10/2023 06:08

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:25

@Circumferences I don't think it should be common for men to forget they have two children not one.

He didn't forget. He chose to spend time with his new family. If DS is 7 he doesn't even need to know this is happening, so won't feel left out.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/10/2023 06:10

Is he going over half term?

I don’t think I could ever not invite one of my children on holiday. Would feel awful. Does he ever go away just with your son and not his other child?

funinthesun19 · 10/10/2023 06:16

I agree with you, OP. Obviously context is everything and you can’t apply it to every single case and there might be very good reasons why the child can’t go. But generally, all children in the family should be booked on to the holiday.

This obviously doesn’t include any holidays that the father isn’t going on. So any holidays the stepmum might go on with her family and dc.

PriOn1 · 10/10/2023 06:18

Depends on circumstances. If they dad and stepmom have a new baby and are taking advantage of cheaper term-time rates, then I think it’s okay. I don’t see why a young mum and her baby should miss out because her husband has a step child. Arguably, he should take the step child away without the step mum to even up what he is giving to each child.

If they’re going in the school holidays and the cost would be the same, and especially if they would have had the stepchild at theirs during the time they will be away, then it’s unkind not to invite the stepchild.

I think that blended families are difficult and I do suspect, OP that it might be more likely that the mum insists on their child being involved in everything while the dad just goes along with what his wife wants because it’s very commonly the woman who is doing the majority of the child care. Obviously not all dads, but certainly more common for the mum to be seen as the default parent and the dad as glorified babysitter. We’ve even seen it on this thread.

Mycatshandbag · 10/10/2023 06:21

I'm sorry OP, his father and his new partner should be taking all their children with them on holiday. I agree with the PP who says others are tying themselves in knots to justify it but it's always the child that loses out.

I dont think it matters who pays (even if that's the new partners family) if there isn't the money to pay for all of them, don't go. That's what would (should) happen in a biological family set up, and a blended one should be the same.

If you choose to become a blended family, you can't pick and choose who to take with you, it's cruel.

I feel the same way about doing something special on a weekend that all the children would want to attend (a theme park for example). I think you should plan it so all the children can come. It's just basic consideration for people's feelings.

No, I don't feel that you should sit at home doing nothing on other weekends... I mean doing something out of the ordinary and that all the chidren ould enjoy.

Likewise, I'd be upset if my friends planned a get together without me on a weekend they knew I couldn't come, knowing full well I could have if they'd done it the weekend after. It would feel like they didn't care if I was there or not. Which I imagine is exactly how these poor children feel.

Throwaway1066 · 10/10/2023 06:21

I was that kid, my dad took all his “new family” AND his new wife’s children from her first marriage on holiday a few times. Once was to Florida and Disney World.

I’ve never stopped feeling hurt, even now in my 40s I can’t quite believe they all thought that was ok. It’s so embarrassing for me when they start sharing memories of those trips around the table at Xmas etc. I almost feel shame.

My dad reaps what he sowed though. It’s unconscious, but it will always be my mum that I choose to spend time with now. She has a fantastic relationship with my children and gets to see us far more often. It’s not done as a punishment, I just feel more comfortable around her. I trust her.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 10/10/2023 06:27

YABU OP but people will do anything to justify it. I particularly like ‘holidays are cheaper in term time’ and ‘why should a mum and baby miss out on a holiday because her husband already has a child’ 😂😂

harerunner · 10/10/2023 06:28

A lot of men and women seem far too selfish to get involved in blended family arrangements (some of whom seem to be posting on here) , and prioritise their new relationship to the detriment of the step-children, treating them as second class citizens. It's appalling.

Mycatshandbag · 10/10/2023 06:32

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 10/10/2023 06:27

YABU OP but people will do anything to justify it. I particularly like ‘holidays are cheaper in term time’ and ‘why should a mum and baby miss out on a holiday because her husband already has a child’ 😂😂

She doesn't have to miss out. She can go anywhere she pleases with her baby. But if she wants the babies father there, then all his children should come too, if they would like to. She has to 'miss out' because she chose to have a baby with a man that already has children. As the adult who chose her situation, she should bare any disappointment at not getting the holiday she wants. Not her husbands child, who has no choice but to live in tj3 circumstances they are dealt.

LolaSmiles · 10/10/2023 06:33

Context is everything here I think.

Man goes on holiday with his new partner and their shared DC, older child doesn't come - probably ok as long as on balance older child is included in a lot of things and older child will also have their holidays with their mother. In blended families nobody can demand the children are treated identically as they had different parents and different family structures.

Man goes on holiday with new partner, their shared children, plus her children from a previous relationship, and he never brings his older child, and tends to hardly see his older child - probably unreasonable and the sort of man who is Disney-dadding with his new step kids at the expense of one of his children.

MiddleParking · 10/10/2023 06:33

Lol at the two postgraduate degrees from the poster who asked why your child’s father would want to babysit him. Maybe try for a third 🤡

OP it is really shit behaviour but if it’s Centerparcs, presumably their child is preschool and yours is school age? If so, it’s probably the case that it was go in term time just the three of them or no one goes at all, and his girlfriend understandably wasn’t willing to accept the latter option for her and her baby. There would have been a way for your ex to communicate that to you so that neither your son’s nor your feelings were hurt.

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/10/2023 06:33

@fattytum you are really reaching here. I love my kids but yes I value the small amount of time I get away from them to be an adult and foster my own interests. Yes I get irritated when ex drops them off early or whatever but thats a far cry from not wanting them and the OP has said nothing at all about that .she could have said "I was planning to be away but now can't" but she hasn't. Her comments are solely about her child being left out by it's other parent.

ElFupacabra · 10/10/2023 06:34

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harerunner · 10/10/2023 06:34

@fattytum

You go away with your child and partner. She goes away with her child and partner. You are being very entitled to think they should be babysitting for you in their holiday.

What a depressing perspective...

You seem blind to the fact that you seem to have completely normalised and accepted the notion that children are the responsibility of the mother but not the father.

How is the child's father looking after HIS child babysitting for the mother?!

larlypops · 10/10/2023 06:35

This happened to my kids in summer, tbf it was a change of plan as they were meant to be elsewhere with grandparents on his side, which got cancelled, so then he invited them last minute, then cancelled due to costs being so high.
Although he had the money he didn’t wanna pay it out at once.
It made my children feel so rejected because they knew he could cover the costs and they voiced it so much it will definitely never happen again.
He did also try to justify because I take them away too but that wasn’t the point, it was he invited then uninvited them and should’ve looked at costs first.
he still went on holiday with his wife and step kids

Mariposista · 10/10/2023 06:36

Could it be that the holiday is in term time and the child with the new partner is still not school age but your shared child is?

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 06:45

It seems to be about the quality of the step parent. I remarried and my DH would never have suggested not taking my DC on holiday. Their biological Dad only took my eldest and youngest son once in about 10 years. He didn't invite his middle child even then because he didn't get on with his Dad so he probably would not have wanted to go anyway.