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Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
MandUs · 11/10/2023 21:24

My dad did this to me when I was about 12 and my half-siblings were 6, 3 and 1. I'm now 40 and I still haven't forgotten. It was so hurtful. They also came back and showed me the holiday video they took...

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 21:28

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Baconisdelicious · 11/10/2023 21:32

So all step kids should get double holidays but their siblings not. Right

Children with parents who are separated are surely entitled to be treated as one of the family in both parents' households, surely? First and second families have two different, albeit with overlap, sets of parents with different circumstances. Sometimes that means double the holidays. It is frequently spouted 'double isn't fair on my kids' by step parents but the quality time, being involved in family life ad an equal member of that family all, conveniently, ignored.

Boomboom22 · 11/10/2023 21:34

Comes back to not having kids with more than one person really.

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 21:35

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Blueink · 11/10/2023 21:36

I agree this is poor OP

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/10/2023 21:57

Baconisdelicious · 11/10/2023 21:32

So all step kids should get double holidays but their siblings not. Right

Children with parents who are separated are surely entitled to be treated as one of the family in both parents' households, surely? First and second families have two different, albeit with overlap, sets of parents with different circumstances. Sometimes that means double the holidays. It is frequently spouted 'double isn't fair on my kids' by step parents but the quality time, being involved in family life ad an equal member of that family all, conveniently, ignored.

I think parents just need to make the necessary allowances that a child that lives between two households is going to have differences to a child that lives in one.

Bill gets two Christmases, two sets of presents, because mum and dad are at separate houses. Ben gets one, with mum and dad there at the same time. Materially, Bill probably "wins", emotionally, probably Ben.

In the holiday scenario, Ben's mum and dad can afford a term time break to take Ben away. Bills mum and dad can't afford the out of term time break to take Bill away. Bills not going, whether Ben goes or not. So, the question is, should Ben be denied something, that Bill would never have partaken in anyway, not because he wasn't wanted there, but because his parents can't afford it.

Thisismynewusername1 · 11/10/2023 21:57

Baconisdelicious · 11/10/2023 21:32

So all step kids should get double holidays but their siblings not. Right

Children with parents who are separated are surely entitled to be treated as one of the family in both parents' households, surely? First and second families have two different, albeit with overlap, sets of parents with different circumstances. Sometimes that means double the holidays. It is frequently spouted 'double isn't fair on my kids' by step parents but the quality time, being involved in family life ad an equal member of that family all, conveniently, ignored.

This is the crux though isn’t it.

children with two families will sometimes get double, sometimes they might not.

to rigidly insist they get exactly everything the same as every other child in the family is not practical.

for example the other thread on Christmas- step dc won’t get as much from us as our joint dc. add in the gifts from mum and step dad and it will be roughly the same. BUt when it’s our turn for Christmas it feels unfair that all the kids don’t get the same, but is also isn’t fair that our kids miss out getting less.

step families have to be flexible. It’s ok to go away with resident children, it’s ok to go away with NRC, and it’s ok to go away with both. As long as one set aren’t always being left out and everyone has approximately the same. We might go on a family holiday one year, sdc will go with mum and step dad. Dh might take sdc away on their own. The next year we might all go away, sdc might go with their mum, and I might go away with mine.

you need to consider what’s best for everyone.

crumblingschools · 11/10/2023 22:10

For those saying it is fine, is it fine for the dad to say to his child ‘won’t see you next week as we are going away, bye!’?

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 22:17

Ok, i'll try again. I don't know how anyone is reading through the op's posts and rather than feel sorry for the child is labelling the mum as jealous.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 11/10/2023 22:25

@Tunisbaby i completely agree with you! I have two stepdaughters and I would never dream of booking a holiday that didn’t include them.

I married my husband knowing he’s a father aswell.. I took them on aswell when I met him! We do everything together.

never anything separate it’s just not right! All children should feel important imo.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/10/2023 22:50

Depends if DSC lives with holidaying parent or not. I think it’s fine if they live apart, or live apart for most of the time.

Baconisdelicious · 11/10/2023 23:13

Depends if DSC lives with holidaying parent or not. I think it’s fine if they live apart, or live apart for most of the time

yes, of course, only resident parents should take children on holiday. Non resident parents can have as many holidays as they want with whoever they want, whenever they want…..resident parent should live for the children only.

nats2010 · 12/10/2023 00:01

It does happen unfortunately. Ex DH went away for 10 days in summer with his DP and HER x2 DD. Our two DC (16 and 14 at time) didn't even know he was going away until he left. No one did, not even his sister who was left to look after our DC on his nights he was normally due to have them. OP I don't agree with it either but you cannot be responsible for the actions of your ex DP. I'm sorry your DC was put in this position.

crumblingschools · 12/10/2023 00:35

Seriously @Toomuchtrouble4me. so you approve of a dad just dropping his first child once he gets a shiny new family

Houseconundrum · 12/10/2023 01:30

I'm a step-parent and we have been away on holiday without DSC but I think that whether things like that are okay depending on the scenario and it sounds like in yours it was a bit of a dick-move. When we went away it was over Christmas when for the first half of the Christmas holidays DSC were with their mum. It was the first year of this arrangement and DH didn't want to stay home feeling depressed without them. OD was very young and wouldn't understand or miss out on Santa yet so we decided to head away somewhere for the week. Any other holidays that we have been on have always included them.

It can definitely be hard getting it right in a blended family but I think the main thing is that all the adults involved are at least trying their best to get it right for the kids. It doesn't really sound like your ex has done that. At the very least he should have explained to your son in advance that they were going on holiday and even said, 'listen, we're going to centre parcs and unfortunately can't take you this time but when we're back you and I will go camping together' or something to that effect. Another poster explained it well when they said that it can't be exactly the same for all the children involved in blended families but parents should be trying to make sure that things are balanced out as far as possible.

aSofaNearYou · 12/10/2023 09:02

In the holiday scenario, Ben's mum and dad can afford a term time break to take Ben away. Bills mum and dad can't afford the out of term time break to take Bill away. Bills not going, whether Ben goes or not. So, the question is, should Ben be denied something, that Bill would never have partaken in anyway, not because he wasn't wanted there, but because his parents can't afford it.

And on that point, the dad may have gone with Bill on holidays when they were pre school age and they could afford it, and now sees it as fair to do the same with Ben, so that both kids can at least have similar memories and experiences at the same age even if they're unlikely to get holidays once they each start school due to cost.

And yes I can see the comeback already - in a nuclear family with two kids, one school age and one not, parents often would not take just the youngest on similar trips to the one's they took the older child on, so the younger child would get the short straw and just have to deal with it, because they couldn't explain that to their oldest without it upsetting them. But this isn't a nuclear family, and in a blended family it is possible to facilitate that without upset being caused. So it's a question of whether you rigidly stick to how nuclear families work out of principle, or find a way of making the best of your different situation without upsetting anyone.

VeneziaJ · 12/10/2023 09:05

On the subject of under funding/paying zero child support for children from a first relationship I do not get why anyone would get together with let alone have kids with a man who pays little or no support for children from a previous relationship? Surely this is a HUGE red flag!!

CelestiaNoctis · 12/10/2023 09:06

If its with a new partner and their child then it's because they view that as their own close family. And then your dc is his close family separately. He should obviously be taking them on their own holiday to equate and also get proper time with them. But people aren't perfect and can be cruel. This is why people stay together for the kids, to save the other parent scarring the kid with things like this dotted throughout their childhood.

Reeann · 12/10/2023 09:50

Holidays are expensive for a family of four. I get it if the second child is pre school age and they want to get a holiday booked out of term time while they can.

ErinAoife · 12/10/2023 09:55

My ex is like that. He will take one of our two kids and leave the other one behind as he knows eldest doesn't want to spend a week at his dad girlfriend. Or ex will spend a week holiday durimg mid term with his girlfriend and her kids bit won't bother taking his own kids and after the girlfriend is telling ex husband family that she wants my kids to spend more time together so it makes me laugh especially it is hard for me to find Childcare during the school holiday but they usually don't want to bother with my kids.

Mojomarvel · 12/10/2023 10:44

I’m a stepmother. We go away twice a year, UK. I pay for these two holidays. The first week we take my DSS who is 5 years older than our shared DS (4), the second week away we go as just the three of us. In our situation we find that it’s hard work with the two children, one minute they get on but the next there’s a bit of teasing from the older child. If my DH paid for one of the holidays then I’d not mind taking DSS on both, I should add that DSS mother doesn’t take him away at all

Baconisdelicious · 12/10/2023 11:01

Holidays are expensive for a family of four. I get it if the second child is pre school age and they want to get a holiday booked out of term time while they can

You would therefore leave your school-aged child at home whilst you went on holiday with your pre-schooler?

sandyhappypeople · 12/10/2023 11:27

Mojomarvel · 12/10/2023 10:44

I’m a stepmother. We go away twice a year, UK. I pay for these two holidays. The first week we take my DSS who is 5 years older than our shared DS (4), the second week away we go as just the three of us. In our situation we find that it’s hard work with the two children, one minute they get on but the next there’s a bit of teasing from the older child. If my DH paid for one of the holidays then I’d not mind taking DSS on both, I should add that DSS mother doesn’t take him away at all

Why does DH not contribute to the holidays?

Smallerthannormalpeople · 12/10/2023 11:31

It is. This woman is just being bitter and overreacting.