Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

They’re not “step kids”. The man is the biological father to both children.

It is absolutely awful behaviour. Never in a million years would I. A day trip I understand, just. That child at home would feel really left out.

People will always think of themselves sadly

When I was with my ex we went on various holidays in uk and abroad and to alton towers without his kids purely because I wasn't going to play mum and he couldn't be bothered to parent his 3 kids full time for a week or 2. We never had kids together though. My son came but he was way older than his and did his own thing. It's out of sight out of mind when they no longer live in the same house as the kids. Which is sad.

I know nothing about blended families.
But I do know that your kid won’t forget this.

It is the case where the ex partner is criticised for doing something and for not doing it.

Its a perfect recipe for losing your child later on. WTF would want a relationship with a parent who forgets their own kid but takes new partners kid? Shit parenting.

My exs mum went on holiday when he was 16, took his sister but he was left at home, she wouldn't let him stay in the house though, he had to stay in the back garden in a tent. Some parents baffle me.

My ex did this. Took DS2 but said DS1 was too unpredictable due to his mental health 🙄🤔 Not going really, really helped with DS1s mental health. Not.

Have you said any of this to him? Just tell him he's bang out of order.

I actually think in the case of both sets of parents having money to go on holidays it comes up as less often as a problem,

a lot of the problematic ones are when (in this case for instance) OP can’t afford to take her child on the type of holidays the other parent is going on with their ‘new’ families. So the original children can even end up having NO holidays.

There’s your answer he’s prioritising his ‘new’ family

My SIL does this regularly. She almost always chooses her eldest, presumably because he's the 'easiest'. It's a very weird thing. I do understand the benefits of children having 1on1 time with parents. It needs to be fair tho

In all honesty I wouldn't want My emotionally abusive ex husband to take our dd on holiday at all. He ruined holidays. So I'd be happy they wasn't going. Just go ya self, or are you upset you aren't together and going on holiday as a family?

OP, how did your child react to this news? I completely understand that you feel protective and hurt for your child, but it’s important to put your reaction aside and decide what to do based on your child’s reaction.

If your child is hurt and wants to go, could you have a quiet word with the father and make him aware that this is hurtful and see if there’s anything that can be done to remedy the situation? It’s a shame that some parents need to be reminded of their children’s feelings, but clearly he is a bit thoughtless. I would definitely try to focus on solutions rather than your strong feelings of outrage.

If they say no, see what you can do to make the time the two of you have special. After all, as a kid it’s much nicer to be somewhere where you feel wanted than along for the ride with people who don’t really want you there or care about your feelings.

Your child should not take this as a measure of their self-worth, but rather as a measure of their father’s lack of emotional intelligence. The fact that he didn’t realize the news might be hurtful shows how clueless he is.

Step mum here to 2 steps that have a mother who refused to work full time until maintenance ended (both adults now) and regularly told the kids that they "can't have nice things because your father doesn't pay me enough"

He's an excellent father who would have given them the shirt off his back if he could. When I came on the scene I regularly paid for things because his ex wife cleaned him out regularly using parental alienation with the kids as her weapon of choice. To be clear he paid maintenance +++++ every month. They never went without.

We chose to holiday with the kids every other year, on her time with her lifestyle choice (and it was very much a choice to work 2.5 days a week when the kids were teenagers) she could save a few quid from her 3 holidays a year on her own without the kids or take them with her. I paid for all the holidays with the steps (no children of my own) but yet she still told the kids that "if Dolly gave me some of her and your Dad's money you could have nicer things".

Don't assume you know the whole story here and I suspect that the lack of disclosure here of key details EG the child's in questions age is telling.

Not all stepmums are evil in fact we often put the children that we didn't give birth to before and beyond our own time, wishes and comfort. But we also reserve the right to not deliver on demand a "fair share" of everything to a mother who doesn't help herself but chooses to swing the axe whenever it suits them.

He sounds like my dds dad, utterly useless and neglectful, only interested in the kids of the person he is shagging at the time, got worse when they had a child together, he paid (because she didn't work) for her, her 2 kids and their joint child to go away but DD wasn't invited because she wanted it to be just a family holiday, he said those words to 10yo dd, her elder kids were the same age. I spoke to him but he refused to budge because he needed to keep her happy.
Anyway their relationship is destroyed she didn't speak to him for 4 years and has only just got back in touch recently. She still isn't interested in having a relationship with him but as she is an adult she can dictate the relationship on her terms.
But make no mistake in the damage this has caused her, she has some serious issues due to his abandonment, some people just should be stepparents.
Many on this thread I would put in that category.

With all kindness, you could tell a child that till you’re blue in the face, they will still think it’s something they’ve done or that they’re just not good enough for the ‘new’ family.

Perspective only comes from age and experience and by then, most times, the damage has already been done.

Personally I could never go away and not bring my child. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.

Now that's taking it to extremes.
You'd really never go on a weekend with a friend or a work conference plus jolly leaving the kids with their other parent? Kids holidays are not really grown up holidays, two different things.

OP that’s heartbreaking for your boy. I wouldn’t ever treat my dsd that way. I’d we go anywhere-day out, holidays, for a meal, we always ask her if she wants to come (nearly 16 so we give her the choice always) I’m so sorry for your little boy x

I can beat that, my friends exH took two of their 3 joint children on holiday not once, but TWICE. The second time the eldest child gave her dad a specific week she wouldn’t be able to go as she’d just started her first job and couldn’t get that particular week off. Which week did he book? That exact week.

Before you come for me saying “oh she was working, she shouldn’t be expected to go on holiday with her parents” He asked them all together, and she even offered to pay for herself (she was 19 at the time and just finished college). He’s barely been there for her for years since then and this has left her with serious abandonment issues. If you’re a parent you don’t leave children out, no matter your relationship set up. You were there for the inception, you should be there for them throughout their life.

@Bertiesmum3 no she is disappointed a dad is prioritising one child over another

I think this is a big part of it. I'm not sure I'd describe it as jealousy, more that OP is pissed off that another child is going on a holiday she can't afford, so is presenting it in such a way that it's all about the child being upset.

Thing is, OP can't afford this holiday. So the child wouldn't be going with mum. Dad, quite possibly can only afford the term time rates (have you seen how Center Parcs virtually trebles their prices for school hols, shame on them, but that's a whole other thread) so actually, Dad couldn't afford the holiday required for OP's child to go either. So, actually, neither of the child's actual parents can afford this holiday for him.

Separately, Dad and his wife can afford a cheaper break, which their child can attend, because they aren't at school yet.

Should that child be denied a holiday, which it's parents can provide, because both another child's parents can't afford the out of school version in the first place?

When you look at it that way, he's not going because his mum and dad can't afford it.

I agree with PP, I think the ages of the children would show this is the case, and it's exactly why OP is withholding that.