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Original poster

Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

567 replies

Tunisbaby · 09/10/2023 22:16

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

OP posts:
Amanda2727 · 11/10/2023 03:16

@Decemberstartsonsunday i totally agree. My kids dad went on to have another child. He now barely sees . The few times there’ve been at his house and his partners . His partner finds reasons to not be around and made no attempt to get to know them. They have a half sister they haven’t seen for 7 years.

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/10/2023 05:19

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 22:11

So the evidence you have that suggests op thinks that the father should love her child more than his others is that she described the first child that he had as 'his first child'? However, you don't question why the father hasn't invited his own child on a family holiday because these things 'naturally occur'

I think op is emphasising that their child is first born as the father is acting like his subsequent children have replaced his first child as he is not invited on a family holiday with his dad. From OP's post it's clear she wants her son to go and isn't stopping him. I don't think OP's son not being invited on a holiday 'naturally occured'. It was a conscious decision to exclude child by his own father and new wife. I know of childhood friends who were always invited on holiday by their father and stepmum. No matter how much OP will tell her child that her dad loves him equally the child will feel excluded by this action. Friends and dp who weren't invited by fathers when they went on a family holiday with their wife and subsequent children always report similar feelings - exclusion, unworthiness, replaced. I think that a child not being invited on a family holiday when the child's mum is not putting up any resistance and thebchild is free to go is certainly not 'logistics' and everyone knows it.

A child might not be able to spend christmas day with both parents at the same house but a child must be invited to his or her dad's house every year whether the child chooses to go or not. It's about it being an open house for the child and unhindered access to their father.

Show quote history

There's a difference in just stating, "oh John, he's my first, Amelia is my second" etc, and "John should be prioritised, he's my first". OPs posts lean towards the latter.

A child might not be able to spend christmas day with both parents at the same house but a child must be invited to his or her dad's house every year whether the child chooses to go or not. It's about it being an open house for the child and unhindered access to their father.

At 7, the child isn't choosing anything. It's down to the parents. I don't understand this "as long as mum says it's ok, he should be going" either? It's not her call, she's not the sole decision maker.

There are two households. Two rents, two sets of alllll the bills, all the to-ing and fro-ing between the two. The child benefits from two households (for arguments sake) 50% each. The other children benefit from one household 100%.

The households are not identical. That's what happens when parents split up. That's life. Caused by the decisions of the parents. Maybe the child's mother provides 50% of a high level lifestyle and dad is skint and his 50% is of a lower level. If there are children 100% resident in mum's home, they will receive 100% of her higher level, and should not be penalised simply because that's their only household, and another child has two households.

Also, if mum's/dad's household is significantly higher level, not due to them, but their partner, then it's not either biological parent's place to start making comments about their child not receiving the same treatment, because the "benefit" comes from a person who is neither of the child's parents. And yes, the child that is that partner's child does, and should, receive the benefits, and no, the non biological child isn't entitled (no matter how much the parents seem to think they are!) and if the partner chooses to share those additional benefits with a non biological child, that's obviously great, but it's their choice, and their choice alone.

Subforsupper · 11/10/2023 05:25

We often go on short breaks without the kids. We leave them with a grandparent. Usually a weekend. It’s just nice to have a bit of ‘us time’ and recharge

Binkyj89 · 11/10/2023 06:18

OP has 1 child and dad has the other child. Both the dads children but he's taking one away she really should of given more information

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2023 06:48

A child might not be able to spend christmas day with both parents at the same house but a child must be invited to his or her dad's house every year whether the child chooses to go or not. It's about it being an open house for the child and unhindered access to their father.

What is with all this "must"? Do people really think there is a finite set of rules about this? They do not have to be invited every year and choose themselves whether to go, plans can be made on their behalf and those plans might be to alternate years. They are young children, it is absolutely not obligatory or universally done to allow them to choose, or to be obliged to refrain from making alternate plans on the years it has not been arranged that they will come.

My DSS is not invited to "dad's house" and welcome to choose for himself on the years we don't have him to Christmas because frankly we will be elsewhere with my family. He will be with his mum. Children do not always get to choose everything.

In fact the more I think about it the more nuts this quote seems to me. Children do not have to have "unhindered access to their parent", no child does, whether step child or not. There are times when all children's access to their parent is "hindered", when they have to go to work for example. Parents can make plans and sometimes they will not be available, that is perfectly normal.

Coffeaddict · 11/10/2023 06:56

DP takes DSS away without our other children. He's been away 3 times this year for 2-3 nights at a time. Is that as equally horrendous?

also we went camping for 4 days without DSS over the summer but I'm sure that makes me some evil stepmum.

So to be clear gor us there is a 8 and 10 year gap between DSS and his brothers. The trips with dad are so they can more robust activities that the younger ones are not able for. Ditto the trip in the summer with just the younger boys was spent at places like parks and soft plays which DSS has outgrown.
I also know many families where both parents are together but only 1 goes due to interest, age of kids ect. So my question is was a trip with his other child balances with trips and quality time with his older child? If so pick your battles. If not then have a discussion with him

Plaplablah · 11/10/2023 07:18

LittleMousewithcloggson · 10/10/2023 23:25

I really think many people don’t see the big picture and cost implications.
DHs ex left him. They sold up and she had enough to pay for a house outright - which is fair enough as he should provide a home for his kids. She has no mortgage, a great job and maintenance. Kids wear designer clothes and have a lot of holidays with her.
DH starts again. We buy a small house together and have a mortgage. We have 2 children. DH is paying bills and maintenance and has very little excess income. I can afford to pay for 4 of us to go on holiday but only the 4 of us. My parents help out so we can go abroad.
why on Earth would I say to DH to invite his other children? I can’t afford it
And why on Earth would I expect my kids to miss out on holidays - especially if their step siblings are having them

Edited

I don't think the question is that your kids should miss out on a holiday. I think the question that often comes up is whether the Dad, who's a parent to all of them, should go. I've been on quite a few holidays with our joint DC, one to Disneyland too. Couldn't afford to take DSC as well so they didn't come. But, importantly, neither did DH. I went with family instead. My children aren't missing out on a holiday same as DSC go with their mum, but my husband felt he couldn't come and be fair to his older children which I understand and respect.

Subforsupper · 11/10/2023 07:21

Binkyj89 · 11/10/2023 06:18

OP has 1 child and dad has the other child. Both the dads children but he's taking one away she really should of given more information

Yeah I just meant, it’s not unusual to go on holiday without your kids, we do it once or twice a year.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2023 07:56

I'm sure that on threads posted from the POV of the step mother who wants to go away as a family without the step children, most posters say it's perfectly reasonable and that the SC don't need to be included in everything, they get holidays with their mother etc etc.

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 07:57

@aSofaNearYou where is the successful explanation of why a father would exclude one of his children from a holiday if they are free and want to go?There isn't one as it's unjustifiable to exclude one of your children and would cause that child (having spoken to friends who experienced this as a child)

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2023 08:02

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 07:57

@aSofaNearYou where is the successful explanation of why a father would exclude one of his children from a holiday if they are free and want to go?There isn't one as it's unjustifiable to exclude one of your children and would cause that child (having spoken to friends who experienced this as a child)

In your opinion. There are pages and pages of explanations about why people do this, and how it doesn't cause any issues. The fact that you don't agree with them doesn't mean you can just say the explanations aren't there. They are successful to me, they are clearly successful to many others.

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/10/2023 08:02

Plaplablah · 11/10/2023 07:18

I don't think the question is that your kids should miss out on a holiday. I think the question that often comes up is whether the Dad, who's a parent to all of them, should go. I've been on quite a few holidays with our joint DC, one to Disneyland too. Couldn't afford to take DSC as well so they didn't come. But, importantly, neither did DH. I went with family instead. My children aren't missing out on a holiday same as DSC go with their mum, but my husband felt he couldn't come and be fair to his older children which I understand and respect.

Show quote history

So you don't go on holiday with both your husband and children? And your children will never get to holiday with their father?

Have the SC ever been on holiday with their father?

Plaplablah · 11/10/2023 08:03

Can this child even go though? We don't know that OPs DS is free to go. What about school? Unless I've missed it somewhere OP hasn't said that she'd be happy for her son to miss school for a week to go to CPs.

She has said herself that she doesn't want to give specifics which I imagine most likely means her ex and new partners child is not school aged which is why they are going in the middle of school term and she wants them to go in the school holidays when her son can go.

There is nothing in OPs post that has said her son is free to go. He's more than likely not given he'd be in school!

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 08:07

@ChristmasCrumpet nothing you have said answers or justifies why it is ok for a dad to not invite one of his children on holiday. Plenty of fathers and stepmothers do as you can see from this thread. It is seen as an understandably cruel act to exclude a child when they want to go. A supposedly loving and supportive partner or wife of a father with another child should not put any barriers down which would make the fatger feel awkward about inviting his child from a previous relationship. If you can't empathise with someone elses child being excluded then you would only ever realise if it happened to ypur own child. Maybe then you'd finally see why it's deemed so cruel and inexcusable as you'd have to watch the rejection and suffering on your own child's face.

PreetyinPurple · 11/10/2023 08:08

A few people have asked. I imagine the child is pre-school and they are going term time and that’s why she isn’t saying how old it is.

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 08:09

@aSofaNearYou i'm still waiting fpr ypu to give me one. Not after pages and pages. Just one...

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/10/2023 08:12

PreetyinPurple · 11/10/2023 08:08

A few people have asked. I imagine the child is pre-school and they are going term time and that’s why she isn’t saying how old it is.

Oh!

I didn't realise she hadn't answered that. I presumed she was making all this fuss because it was in the school holidays, and they'd literally just not invited him.

If they're taking a toddler whilst an elder child is supposed to be with mum and having to attend school, then she's just being a pain in the ass and knows perfectly well why the school age child wasn't "invited"...

notlucreziaborgia · 11/10/2023 08:22

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 08:09

@aSofaNearYou i'm still waiting fpr ypu to give me one. Not after pages and pages. Just one...

People have. That doesn’t meant you have to agree with, believe, or like said reasons.

Plaplablah · 11/10/2023 08:29

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/10/2023 08:02

So you don't go on holiday with both your husband and children? And your children will never get to holiday with their father?

Have the SC ever been on holiday with their father?

Show quote history

Depends. Some years we've done holidays all together but tend to be in the UK as its unaffordable in school holidays. I've holidayed with just my husband and no children at all, holidayed with just friends and no DC or DH!

And yes often, if I want to go somewhere abroad outside of school hols whilst I can with our nursery aged DC, I'll go without DH. Doesn't bother us. I don't want our child missing out and he doesn't feel he can go without older DC so 🤷‍♀️

crumblingschools · 11/10/2023 08:37

@ChristmasCrumpet the dad said to the child, we won’t see you next week as we are on holiday, so I assume he is missing his contact time.

And from what the OP has said he doesn’t prioritise his eldest son anymore, so this holiday is probably the last straw

Boomboom22 · 11/10/2023 08:45

This is why you should always avoid having kids with someone who already have kids. Not allowed to have your own family time with your own kids without it hurting the first children.

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 08:49

@aSofaNearYou unhindered access in the same eay a child does with her mother. I obviously don't mean they do absolutely everything that the parent does but in every case i've ome across, the mother doesn't stop inviting her child on holiday just because she has a new partner and maybe a new child.The mother also never waited until it was her 'year' to have the child..It goes without sying that the child also has the option to spend every christmas with her. 'must' is used to avoid causing the child to feel rejected. Of course you don't have to do this. You could be an inconsiderate stepmother and father and not do this and the father could cause his own child to feel rejected.

90sfilm · 11/10/2023 08:57

@J578 Refereshing to hear from a stepmother who does find this unfair. I know from friends who have been treated as an equal to their step siblings have gone on to have a lot of respect for their step parents as they grow older and learn just how unempathetic and excluding some step parents can be. I think the users who are defending this would find it unfair if it was their own child being rejected by their father. But the truth is they don't see their partners or husbands chikd as an equal to theirs and don't realise how destructibe that is as they aren't the ones experiencing it.

Tweetypie27 · 11/10/2023 08:58

If your son isn’t having any holiday because you have no money I would have said I can’t afford to take him away can he go with you ? If you’re able to communicate with him effectively ?
I have stepkids the oldest one is 18 now so hasn’t come away with us for a while and the next one is also an older teen. We have never taken them abroad we have been twice in ten years but that’s because it’s so expensive and they go on two abroad holidays with their mom and her husband otherwise we would have.
UK holidays we always booked one week every year with all the kids then we would go on a weekend once or twice a year with our children purely because we can’t afford to take them all and DH kids family are more well off and they go away often.
If they didn’t then we would try to accommodate taking them all Everytime.
I think they are well with it their rights to just go away with their own child as long as your child gets to go another time like what we do.
My ex husband is always going abroad with his girlfriend he doesn’t take my kids he takes them to Blackpool once a year but I just cba with the argument or worrying over it they have a happy life and it doesn’t effect them.
I do get what you’re saying though.

PhantomUnicorn · 11/10/2023 09:58

90sfilm · 10/10/2023 20:51

@Beezknees Agree. The whole point is that as a parent you want to spend time on holiday with your children no matter which relationship they're from as you love them equally and you're not some self serving arse who would exclude one of your children so as not to miss out yourself and to save some money.

Show quote history

That's a very narrow view to have.

My oldest is autistic, he hates going on holiday, does nothing but complain, is impossible to get out of the hotel/caravan once there, and honestly, its not a fucking holiday for anyone, especially not me as his carer, as i end up stuck in the caravan/hotel room with him while DD complains she is bored.

So No, i don't want to go on holiday with my DS.. but i'd love to go with DD and me, alone, and probably will do next summer because its unfair that she doesn't get a holiday just because her brother doesn't want to go.