Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

I'm not sure what you mean by not telling the child. What they don't know doedn't hurt them? Do you mean the father going away with his children from currebt relationship and everyone keeping this a secret from his other child? I personally don't know why a parent would only take a child away from their current relationship but not take another child of theirs away. Again as others on here have pointed out, it's about wanting to make all your children feel equal and no favouritism going on

The reason they would go on a trip without their child is that they recognise that they have formed a relationship with somebody who is not that child's parents and as a result, that person might not enjoy trips with their child in the same way they would, or may actively not enjoy it. They would be a happier, more contented step parent less likely to end up feeling resentful if they were able to have that breathing space and enjoyable experience alongside all the time they no doubt dedicate to their DPs child for their sake. And yes, sure, a decent parent couldn't sanction going along with that at the expense of their child's feelings. But when the child doesn't even know? Why not? To me, there is maturity in accepting that you've made your family set up complicated by having children with more than one person and it may require compromise on your part from your ideal image of a nuclear family to keep everybody happy. As long is things are handled in a way where everyone feels their needs can be fulfilled without anybody being told something that would hurt them, then all is well.

You have to remember that a lot of the time in these cases, we're talking about pre school aged children and on older step child. So the child that goes on the holiday is a baby or toddler, not exactly known for their eloquent descriptions of what they've been up to. I've never had to warn my DD not to mention things to my DSS, she just doesn't, because she is young and that isn't something she would say.

This has surely answered OP’s question!

Agree 100%
P

Your situation (and many other people on this thread giving ‘examples’) is really quite different to what the OP is describing though, of course it’s fine to go on holidays separately if everyone is happy with that.

In your case It would only be comparable if the elder brother in your description really wanted to go but wasn’t actually invited.

If it’s next week, your child is at school. Even if they’re going on a weekend, that’s Friday and Monday all day that you are able to use the facilities and it’s not a cheap break so I can understand them wanting to! With a school aged child, it’s a 2 night/2 day break while paying for a 3 night/4 day break because you have to wait until they finish school on the Friday and have them back for school on the Monday.

My dad did this with his new family. He was an average father who saw us at a weekend and plonked us in front of the telly. He paid maintenance so reckoned he was awesome. He’s not a bad person but he wasn’t a caring, loving father. Some of these posters remind me of my step mum, she’s not a bad person either but she lacks empathy and insight. She thought she had it right and wouldn’t listen. They seem surprised we aren’t close as adults especially now they want to see the grandchildren.

I married a man who was a father. One of the reasons I loved him was because he was an excellent father. He doesn’t make every excuse in the book like some of the men who’ve been described here. Do we always get it right? Nope but we try.

I would never have married an “every other weekend” type dad who chose cheap holidays over trying to create a cohesive family unit.

They would be a happier, more contented step parent less likely to end up feeling resentful if they were able to have that breathing space and enjoyable experience alongside all the time they no doubt dedicate to their DPs child for their sake.

Jesus, what have you got to be resentful about? You got involved with someone that has previous children, if you thought you may resent those children for existing then you should have walked away for everyone's sake.

@sandyhappypeople

It’s rare that the children are the cause of resentment, but having an interfering ex forever involved in one’s life, not even your own ex, does get wearing.

Every step mother knows what the deal is re the children. Not all of them have the same deal when it comes to the mothers of said children however.

Jesus, what have you got to be resentful about? You got involved with someone that has previous children, if you thought you may resent those children for existing then you should have walked away for everyone's sake.

I really cannot be bothered to go back to absolute basics and explain to you all the many things that can prove difficult about being a step parent and lead a person to struggle with it, do some reading around the subject if you're interested, but I suspect you are not open to listening, really.

I'm open to listening, and honestly, you don't have to tell me, the struggle is real, I've experienced it from both sides, but do you think resentful is really the right word to use?

I wouldn't have had an issue with that if you'd have said 'frustrated', that's understandable, but resentful is quite an extreme emotion when talking about SC IMO, if you really feel that way then my previous post still stands and I think you may have been better off avoiding someone with children altogether.

resentful
/rɪˈzɛntf(ʊ)l/

adjective

1. feeling or expressing bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly.

@sandyhappypeople I don't feel resentful personally, frustrated is a better word. But resentful would probably be the appropriate term if I had a partner who couldn't understand and respect that I don't feel the same way about time with his child as he does.

Out of interest, is it ok for grandparents to take one child and their family/children away, but not another?

for example, going to Disney (and paying) with their daughter, sil and children, but not inviting their son, dil and children.

Because people thinks it's utterly ridiculous, doesn't mean it's "touched a nerve". It means they think it's utterly ridiculous.

Not having access to a parent 100% of the time shouldn't default to feeling rejected. And if a child does feel that way, it's because a parent has made them think it's unfair, because it's not an unreasonable thing at all.

Similarly, a child should understand that if they spent 100% of their time in one household, they would do (pretty much) 100% of things in that household. And if they spend, say, 70% of their time, then 30% of their time over two households, that (pretty much) they would do 70% and 30% of the things in those respective households. And this shouldn't cause a child to feel rejected, that's what happens when their parents don't live together. And it's on the parents to make the child understand this.

"You have to go to school, remember" shouldn't cause feelings of deep rejection. "Mum/Dad will be away this weekend, but they can't wait to see you next weekend" as a one off, shouldn't cause feelings of deep rejection. "It's a week of doing baby things, and you'd be bored stiff" shouldn't cause feelings of deep rejection. Maybe the non resident parent can only afford a term time break. A child may be naturally disappointed, but it can be handled two ways. A simple explanation as to why they aren't going (predominantly the fact they're in full time education) so they understand that they couldn't go. Or, you could tell the child "well, I would let you have the time off school, so there's nothing stopping you going" which is fueling the child to think the only good reason they aren't there, is because they aren't wanted. It all depends on how the parents present this to the child.

I’m not sure if strangers can answer that without knowing the ins and outs?

But on the surface of it I’d question why you were taking one and not the other?

You don’t come across as opening to listening either. You’re focused on your own point of view and your perspective. It helps to put yourself in the child’s shoes, it doesn’t necessarily mean you will change your behaviour but perhaps act more empathetically.

@ChristmasCrumpet you've just come up with lots of scenarios again that are unrelated to ops post and my posts. Another user has speculated that the reason the op's son has not been invited to the holiday is because it's during his term time. Where does the op say or suggest this? Also, i don t know why you are talking about a child not having 100 percent access to a parent who has split up from the mother. Nobody has said this.

It's getting a bit exhausting now but just to clarify again. The specific situation is a father going on to have children with a new partner and taking actions that make the child feel left out or replaced. If a child doesn't feel replaced then great. But an example i have is my dh who was not invited to any family holidays with his dad once he had a child with another woman. Nothing to do with going away during term time as he can only afford that. The thought process was 'well why does he need a holiday with me now. He goes away with his mum'. DH feels rejected by this. Oof course his mum didn't play on this as she couldn't stomach looking upset so she would not play on it and take him on her own adventures. However, dh still feels like he was replaced. Like his father had a new child now who he could be a proper dad to and dh barely got the scraps. The specific scenario i am outlining is one that it is evident that a lot of posters can relate to. Not a scenario where a child has a stepmum but they make an effort to treat the child equally. if the child doesn't feel rejected then there is no issue.

@Teder I do agree and can see that some posters/step mums are not putting themselves in the child's shoes. There are stepmums out there who do put themselves in the child's shoes. So there is obviously another and more empathetic way of doing things where the child doesn't feel so rejected. Nobody is asking stepmums to love the child as fervently as they love their own child. The important thing is that the child doesn't feel replaced, especially when there are half siblings.The frustrating thing is that the same step mums i'm thinking of would never let a guy in a subsequent relationship push their child out of the picture or make them feel awkward about involving them in family holidays. I wonder how some of these posters would feel if they were tp get in a subsequent relationship and have a child and the guy say they could go on holiday with their child but the child they have now cannot come. I bet they couldn't envision that and would say no way.

you've just come up with lots of scenarios again that are unrelated to ops post and my posts.

They're pretty common examples, and given OP won't give any information, it's not unreasonable that these examples would apply

Another user has speculated that the reason the op's son has not been invited to the holiday is because it's during his term time. Where does the op say or suggest this?

Again, OP hasn't said anything. But it would make exact sense that the break includes term time days, as the resident child is younger than primary aged OPs child, and all Center Parcs breaks tend to involve at least one weekday. It's the most likely scenario.

Also, i don t know why you are talking about a child not having 100 percent access to a parent who has split up from the mother. Nobody has said this.

Someone has literally said exactly this. Hence several posters have responded to it.

I wouldn’t want my child going on holiday without me. Especially if it’s somewhere like Disney- I want to share the experience with them.

i also wouldn’t want them going on a holiday where one child has two parents sharing responsibility, and they have one. If step mum has a young baby to prioritise how will that impact on the older child?

if they were invited and wanted to go obviously I’d suck it up. But I wouldn’t be comfortable.

dh’s ex was never happy about SD going on holiday with us. If she felt they’d had too good a time or they were seeing too much of us she’d stop them visiting for a while saying she’s missed them, they need to do x and y so can’t come etc.

@Thisismynewusername1 yes because i imagine you're a loving mum. The question is if you got with another man and had another child, would you leave your current children behind as they belong to a previous relationship?

You're telling me how much you would want to go on holiday with your children and want to experience things with them. A response any loving parent would feel. However, i wonder why some parents don't bother with children from a previous relationship when a new children come along. In ops case, no invitation and no explanation. Just 'we're going on holiday next week.

I have to say as a biomum and a stepmum, I would never go on holiday without my SD. I have tinkered with the thought before my children were school age as it’s much cheaper to do so, morally I couldn’t do it. Even when her mum wouldn’t let her come with us, none of us went. Luckily we have full custody now so it doesn’t affect us anymore but during the years she didn’t live here all the time, I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing anything “fun” without my SD. My children would also miss out on spending time with their sibling too, not just us. I can understand why some people do it and know it’s a common thing, I just couldn’t stomach it myself personally.

So all step kids should get double holidays but their siblings not. Right.

@Boomboom22 what's the alternative? Dad stops inviting his own children from a previous relationship on holiday. They don't have another holiday with their father again, otherwise they'll have more holidays than their half siblings. It's not about how many holidays a child has. It's about the quality time that all of the father's children should have with their father on holiday.

I think the reality is that it's hard for most mums to comprehend, because it's hard to imagine a world in which we would not be resident parent to our child. I know I would be. So no, I don't imagine it's likely I would go on holiday without them with a new partner and child, because in order to be with me not only would my partner need to already be used to them being around the vast majority of the time for the relationship to work out, but there also wouldn't be many times they would be away from me for long enough to go away, and if there was it would be more likely that they would be aware what we were up to.

But life as a non resident parent is different to that in many ways.

And I have thought about it from the child's perspective, btw. I have come to the conclusion that it might be upsetting to them if they knew about it, but they don't need to so it isn't.

Well my husband's ex completely wrote her first child off when she met a new man. They meet up like twice a year at best.My point,it's not just men,even women do have these habits.

It’s bloody crap parenting and I understand your frustration

I really think you need to voice your concerns to him. The same way you have eloquently articulated your feelings here