Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

personally i think its a ridiculous notion that you can't go on holiday with your child and spouse just because you can't take your spouses other child.

Anyone saying or actually doing that is a martyr and cutting their own nose off to spite their face.

Parents go away with one child, some children, and no children all the time.

Step dynamics don't make any difference.

@PhantomUnicorn The op mentioned how her son would love to go on the holiday and there is no mention of him being autistic and hatiing holidays. I think your situation is completely different and not the situation i'm referring to.I can empathise wholly with your situation. You wouldnt be cruel for going on holiday with your dd alone ascyour son does not enjoy being on holiday.

People are not shit parents if they say "this is the plan, this is what we're doing, no we can't change it at the drop of the hat because we've all made arrangements around it". That's just ridiculous, it's a perfectly normal part of parenting for your children not to have unhindered access to you at all times. They should not feel rejected by that, individual situations might make them feel rejected but as a rule it's perfectly standard for there to be times it isn't possible to be with them due to circumstances. Sometimes it will be something you have to do like go to work, other times you might just have made plans around the contact schedule, in the case of separated parents, or made plans and got a sitter in nuclear ones. But it is perfectly normal for there to be limits on their access to their parents at times.

@aSofaNearYou we're not talking about these times. We're talking about a father not inviting one of his children on holiday. A holiday that the child would love to go on and is free to go on. The unhindered access as i've said before is the same access that he'd get with his mother. Shouldnt be half arsed dad just because he's split up from the mum. And yes, only taking the children from your new relationship on holiday is half arsed parent to your excluded child. But too much focusing on parents. The emphasis should be on how it makes the child feel. I'm not coming at this from the perspective of someone who has a child who this is happening to. I'm coming from it from the perspective of someone who knows of people who have been the excluded child in this situation and have felt a trauma from being excluded from a family holiday. They've grown up now amd vowed to never exclude a child from a holiday with his own dad. My partner would never put up with a partner who wanted to just spend some quality time with him and their children at the expense of our child's feelings. This has clearly tpuched a nerve with a lot of step mothers eho do this which is why they find it so 'ridiculous' that it's seen as cruel to not invite one of the fatehr's children on a family holiday. For every one there is a stepparent eho does find it cruel. Take heed!

But that isn't the question that the OP was posing.

That was "Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday"

Which a lot of us have answered. There are myriad reasons, and its fine not to do so.

Lol. I’m not seeing how it’s a case of ‘nerves are touched’ rather than it being, you know, a disagreement. If that’s the case though then the nerves of those that disagree with not taking all children on holiday are on fire.

there are stepchildren in this thread who would have/have had a problem with it, but then there are also those that don’t and haven’t. I’m not a stepparent, but I am a child that stayed home at times when my parents went on holiday. Sometimes they went with just my brother, and other times they went with just me. Sometimes it was both parents, other times one. It never occurred to me to have a problem with it, and it still doesn’t. Not everything is going to be about one member of a family.

If it doesn’t work for you then cool, don’t do it. It doesn’t mean that everyone else has to share your views on this, or justify themselves to you.

@PhantomUnicornit's clear from her post she is not asking for practical reasons, e.g. the child really doesn't want to go on the holiday. She is questioning how a father can cut off his emotions and exclude one of his children from aholiday without considering the sense of rejection the child would feel. If thr op met a new guy and they had a child together she wouldn't be capable of cutting off her feelings and emoathy for her child from a previous relationship. Beyond a shadow of doubt, that child would be invited on the holoday because she would want to spend time with him as much as her other child. it's not a hard concept. Ubless you're a stepmother who's done something similar and feeling a bit defensive. Otherwise, it's simple: it's incomprehensible that a father can hhurt one of his children by not inviting him on aholiday he os free to go on and would love. Simple?

Actually, what I was talking about was your claim that a child should have unhindered access to their parent and should always be able to choose to see them whatever the circumstances. You're the one changing the subject and trying to attribute me saying that was ridiculous to something completely different.

And as a PP said, OP asked a general question, not one that only links to her particular circumstance. I would think it was mean for a dad/step mum to skip contact and tell their DSC they are all going on a holiday he isn't invited to knowing he wants to go, but if they didn't even know about it? Perfectly fine for dad and step mum to do what makes them happy and keeps the harmony of a complex family set up with parties with different wants and needs, in a manner that does not even effect the DSC in the slightest.

@notlucreziaborgia I've never said that everyone has to share my opinion and agree with me?I've said that every child i know where this has happened has felt rejected and resented this.

Sorry, sometimes children need to understand that not everything or every outing is for them.

Unless the parent has directly said "Daddy isn't coming because he's going on holiday with his new family, and you're not invited because he doesn't want you there" how is the 7yo going to be upset or know to feel left out or resentful?

IF that IS what the OP has said to her son, then his hurt lies with her, not his dad.
As a mum, your job is to protect your child, not hurt them because you're annoyed at the other parents behaviour.

I agree with you @Tunisbaby . DH and I are together and have gone away with one child without the other and in our situation the other children have been able to vocalise their feelings about it as they didn't feel rejected .

Has your son spoken to his dad about this?

I think if it were role reversed and a woman was doing this she wouldn’t get the same support.

EG someone comes on to AIBU and says:

Hi, I have 2 daughters aged 4 and 7. My 7-year-old has her arranged time with her dad (we are separated) next week. Me and my husband are going to take our 4-year-old on holiday to centre parcs during this time. Older DD would have loved this but tbh my husband deserves the time for us to just be a little family unit of 3 without somebody else’s child there. And in all honesty it’s much cheaper to not include older DD and my husband is the one who is funding this trip with his work bonus. AIBU?

You’ve said that no one answered the question. They did, just not to your liking.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know some that were fine with it and others that weren’t. I’m in the former group myself. I’m not sure you’d bother to acknowledge the views of any you know that didn’t have an issue with it tbh.

@aSofaNearYou i don't thibk yoy know what i mean by unhindered access though. Youbkeep going back to that point but i ve tried to explain that i don't mean that a parent should be at their child's beck and call 24/7. I mean that the child should not be made to feel like a guest in their father's home just because he has a new family. A child should not be made to feel like an inconvenience and be sent home early to his mum's because thebdad and step mum want a chinese take away (as op suggested).

I remember when my parents split up when i was a teenager i had a key to my mum's to let myslef in if i had gone out with friends. Wheb i let myself in my dad's house i got told off by my dad's gf at the time for not knocking. My step dad never did this though. As it was my home. I didn't need to knock. Do you see what i mean by saying unhindered access?

Also i wasn't quoting you saying 'ridiculous'. Another poster had said it. I still don't understand what is ridiculous to not invite one of yohr own children on hokiday if theyvreally want to go.

My step daughters mum can't usually afford to take her away so we take her on every holiday we go on. I cannot imagine deciding to exclude her and her knowing that we had taken her sisters but not her. I'd feel incredibly guilty.

@notlucreziaborgia Great if you were fine with it. There isn't an issue with that case. Perhaps your father made up for it in other ways so you never felt a sense of rejection from him. But this post isn't that scenario. You're contributing your experiences and i'm contributing with mine.

Op I’ve no answer but I will say try not to make it a thing with your ds, it can be as normal or as big a deal as you make it. If it’s just a thing and you just say sure we’ll do that another time or similar instead of ‘yes I can’t believe you’re not going’ like anything in life it will only define him as much as he’s taught it can. Best of luck op

No I didn't know that's what you meant because it's not what you said. You said the child should have unhindered access to their parent whether they choose to use it or not, using Christmas as an example. I'm pointing out how silly and unrealistic that suggestion is. Maybe you meant something else but that is what you said. "Hindered access" is not the same thing as "made to feel like a guest".

You also only seem to be considering scenarios where the child "really wants to go". What about situations where they can't because they are at school, or they just don't even know it's happening? You are only considering the most emotive scenario.

@notlucreziaborgia i said noone successfully answered the question. So if a stepmother replies that her step child was not taken on holiday because the fsther could obly afford tp take one child on holiday (just so happens to be the child that they share) then that is not successful explanantion as in lots odlf situations the other child will feel excluded and rejected. Successful in my opinion would be a scenario where a child would not be deprived of a holiday theuvwould love to g o on and to spend some quality time with their father and half sibling. No child feeling upset or rejected. This is my opinion of course. You don't need to tell me this. I get it.

@aSofaNearYou I'm considering the emotive situations as this is the one the op has put forward. Her child hasn't been invited and he'd love to go. If a child is invited but doesn't want to go, of course it's a completely different situation. I'm specifically talkign about a situation where the child is not invited. Sorry i thought that was obvious.

Also yes my expression was confusing when i said 'unhindered access' but i've now explained what i meant. i think father's house should feel like the child's home as much as mother's house.

I can't remember if OP said her child actually knew about the trip or not, just that he would enjoy it in theory, which is not the same thing as knowing and wanting to go.

But either way, like I said, there are also situations where the child isn't invited but doesn't know about the trip. Not just ones they know about and are upset about.

@aSofaNearYou The op mentioned that the son's father said i wont see you next week as we're goign away. By we he means new wife and the child/children he shares with her. She's made apoint of saying that she gets child free holidays. As i do. if they wanted to go away on their own and all of their children were old enough to stay with grandparents then that is fine as the children are being treated equally. The issue is that a father is treating the child from a previous relationship differently as he has not invited the child on a holiday.

I'm not sure what you mean by not telling the child. What they don't know doedn't hurt them? Do you mean the father going away with his children from currebt relationship and everyone keeping this a secret from his other child? I personally don't know why a parent would only take a child away from their current relationship but not take another child of theirs away. Again as others on here have pointed out, it's about wanting to make all your children feel equal and no favouritism going on. Wanting to spend time with them (of course as long as they themselves want to go on the holiday). Personally, I would be upset if i found out my dad had been away with my step sister and paid fprnit all but hadn't invited me. If she had been told to keep quiet about it also and i happened to find out then i'd also feel that that wpuld jeopardise our relationship too. This may not be the situation ypu are putlining though.

Out of order - I'm going on holiday next week and we are taking my daughter who is two and my stepdaughter who is 16. Wouldn't dream of leaving SD out, or at least asking if she wanted to come.

Exactly. Anyone saying that would be wiped off the map!

We do it. DD comes on holiday with us and is quite happy with the arrangement. DS (elder brother) would sooner crawl over broken glass. There's no "one size fits all" answer to this. It all depends on circumstances.