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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:43

FlowerPower12345 · 09/10/2023 20:49

I'm also childless NBC, and if my sister (or anyone) made that comment to me, I would be enormously hurt and would struggle to see past it tbh.

Infertility is hell on earth. It doesn't matter if she was stressed, that was so crass and thoughtless, and for a close sister to make that remark is beyond shocking.

No advice, really, but just wanted to say you are well within reason to feel the way you do. I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this x

Thank you. And I'm sorry that you know first hand what childless NBC feels like

OP posts:
Namechangad12 · 09/10/2023 21:44

Disgusting and uncalled for. I'd be very upset too OP xx
The dress looks super cute!!

Sallyh87 · 09/10/2023 21:44

What a horrible comment! However, if she is usually kind then give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she said it without thinking. I am guilty of saying stupid things sometimes without thinking (though not that horrible to be fair). I think your DH texting her is a good idea.

Her reaction to the dress is fairly bizarre, shes a two year old, send her out in pyjamas she won’t care! Sounds like she might be under some kind of pressure.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:44

FOJN · 09/10/2023 20:50

Her comment was thoughtless at best and really cruel at worst. It might be out of character for her and maybe she does have other things going on but she still owes you a big apology.

I'm hoping she was stressed and not thinking (although I do find it hard to believe she had momentarily forgotten why you don't have children) and when she realises what she said she will be mortified and apologise without prompting.

I would leave it for now but if an apology is not forthcoming I would call or message her and tell her how hurtful her words were.

Thank you

OP posts:
Crocadoodledoo · 09/10/2023 21:45

Your sister’s mask has slipped by the looks of it, OP.

There are no excuses for saying something like that. If she’s stressed out from having five kids then that’s on her.

The reason she felt OK to say it is that she dislikes you on some level and she’s managed to hide it up to now.

Frances0911 · 09/10/2023 21:48

It sounds like she feels you are too involved with her children, and is getting irritated. It's still not a nice thing to have said though.

As Christmas is a while away, wouldn't it be better to wait until a bit nearer the time and buy a dress from somewhere such as John Lewis or the like, so that it can be a surprise, then if it's not suitable can be returned/ exchanged for something else.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:48

CatamaranViper · 09/10/2023 20:58

I've said something similar before OP.

My best friend can't have children and after my DH lost his job and we were falling deep into debt, I said something like "you're lucky you don't have fucking nursery fees coming out your arse".
I didn't even realise what I'd really said until the silence settled. I had meant she was lucky their jobs were secure and they could afford all their bills.

I was beyond mortified when I realised what I'd said. I don't know if I temporarily forgot who I was speaking to, or forgot about her fertility struggles, or what really. We're still best friends but I have such shame when I think back about it now. She has forgiven me fortunately as she knows I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't have been outright nasty intentionally.

My advice would be to let your sister know how her comment made you feel providing you still want to have a relationship with her. If you don't, just cut her off.

Best case scenario is she still hasn't realised what she's said and will be deeply sorry when you tell her. Worse case she's well aware but doesn't care. What's more likely?

Thank you. I'm really glad your friendship survived. I hope it will be so with my sister.

I'd like to hope she'd be mortified.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 21:49

Well for what it’s worth OP I think the dress is lovely. I can’t see why she was being so critical of it and for a ‘lovely’ person she sounds hideous.

Humbugg · 09/10/2023 21:49

Wow how awful. I can understand why you are hurt completely

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:50

Bertiesmum3 · 09/10/2023 21:09

Not acceptable for her comment, maybe she was upset as the dress is second hand?
I never buy second had stuff.

No, she told me I could use Vinted as the kids grow so fast

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:52

EKGEMS · 09/10/2023 21:11

@Bertiesmum3 Do you honestly think a purchase secondhand is any way a plausible reason for what dreck her sister said? OP stated her sister knew she purchases from vinted so no that excuse doesn't hold water

I did ask if she wanted brand new. She said no. And she asked for summery stuff to grow into.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2023 21:52

It’s a ghastly mean thing to say but don’t hold a grudge over it, if she’s overall all ok. Tell her how it felt and move on, you should try not dwell on it. People say mean things in arguments when they’re aroused in mood and for effect. If she is overall a good un then maintain the relationship and address the comment

Horriblewoman · 09/10/2023 21:54

You’re a bigger person than me. I’d have probably lashed out told her that she was irresponsible to have 5 children if she can’t cope for a short period when your mum is away and that I will never buy anything again.

But hopefully you’re not as irrational
as me when faced with such a cruel comment.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:56

Unicorn2022 · 09/10/2023 21:13

That was a truly awful comment from your sister. I'm sure it was said flippantly and she didn't mean it and probably feels awful about it. You sound like a very caring aunt.

I'm a bit confused about the dress though, you said in the OP you are fussy about quality but you are buying a used Matalan summer dress as a Christmas gift for £1 plus postage. That is a truly awful Christmas gift and I'm not surprised she asked you to cancel. To make a point of showing her a £1 dress before ordering seems very odd.

Thank you, I try to be a caring aunt.

How is it an awful gift? We don't all have a lot of disposible income. She said Vinted was fine as long as I only bought new-looking. I rejected so much. And she wanted a summer dress to grow into?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:57

momonpurpose · 09/10/2023 21:13

That is so ugly. I am so very sorry. It's disgusting really.

Thank you

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2023 21:58

I am so sorry for you, that is a really cruel thing to say, even if she didn't think about it.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 21:59

Chonkadoodle · 09/10/2023 21:15

Your sister isn’t a very nice person i’m afraid. Hope you’re ok OP x

Thank you. Lots of tears, pet hugs and DH hugs, but I'll get there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:00

silvertoil · 09/10/2023 21:15

Please tell her how much it hurt your feelings. She ought to know. And apologise.

thank you

OP posts:
azlazee1 · 09/10/2023 22:01

If you still want to gift a dress, I would by one I like, and give it at Christmas. If she asks what you bought, tell her she'll have to wait till Christmas!

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:03

Poudretteite · 09/10/2023 21:17

That's awful knowing about your fertility struggles.
Why hasn't she apologised? I would let DH send the message. She can't treat you like that.

Thank you. I'll let him calm down first, he was ready to tear her a new 1 earlier.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2023 22:04

I do agree with SM4713

"When/IF you feel up to it, ask if she is ok. If this is such an out of character response, I agree that it sounds like she us struggling. Cost of living, coping with 5 children, DH issues- who knows??? Personally, it should be HER contacting YOU to apologies though."

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:07

londonrach · 09/10/2023 21:18

What a horrible comment. Hope you ok

I will be. You'd think after 20 years I wouldn't be so upset

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:08

EarthSight · 09/10/2023 21:18

"well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

What a bitch.

Thank you

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2023 22:09

People who have not experienced fertility issues cannot really understand, and I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to take this as a time to reflect how you feel, and get some calm and perspective into your life for you.

The dress is beautiful, your sister's comment is way out of line. However, how do you feel. Is the long term plan to not have any other children in your life, it's totally fine if that is what you want. But if not, can you and your DH talk about fostering, adoption or whatever. I had fertility treatment, including with donor eggs and also we adopted a child (as well as having an older birth child).

If you ever want to talk about any of this, feel free to message me.

You are a wonderful kind aunt, and your sister has sadly put her foot in her mouth and really does need to apologise, but she cannot really understand so she won't realise the magnitude of what she said, IMHO.

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2023 22:10

No don’t get your dh to text and remonstrate with her, it’s bullying and disproportionate response
You are unhappy, you address it calmly, don’t task this to your dh to send a text. The optics of that are grim
Finally, being a mum of 5 children inc twins under age of one year is pretty frazzling and fraught. I’m in no way excusing the comment, but I imagine she’s in a short fuse and very tired.