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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:22

Prinnny · 09/10/2023 20:11

If it’s not usually like her then speak to her once you’ve calmed down, don’t have DH do it for you! That could cause more harm than good!

I’d love to see a pic of the dress that’s caused this huge reaction tho!

Noted. Thank you.

And photo attached

Childless comment
OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:23

Zanatdy · 09/10/2023 20:14

Very hurtful. I’d wait and see if an apology is forthcoming. Agree with not getting your DH to muscle in, inappropriate. Give it a bit of time, see if she reaches out. You’d certainly hope so

Thank you

OP posts:
NnarcissaMalfoy · 09/10/2023 20:25

Lemonpledge · 09/10/2023 20:20

Just ask her if she's ok. If it's out of character for her, she might be struggling.

This. She sounds very stressed and no wonder with 5 children including twins. I totally disagree with pp who say the comment was unforgivable- if she said something like "it's good you don't have kids because you'd be a bad mum" or something- THAT would be unforgivable- but "you'd dress them horribly" is just flippant and thoughtless. As pp have said, if she reflected on it for a minute she'd probably be absolutely mortified at herself. But it sounds like she has no time to reflect right now. You sound like an absolutely amazing sister and she's VERY lucky to have you, I really hope she shows you a lot more appreciation in time but I wouldn't make a big issue of this particular comment in your position.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:25

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Thank you. I belly laughed. I needed that

OP posts:
SM4713 · 09/10/2023 20:27

I agree with NOT having DH or yourself sending a text. Let things calm. Your silence alone will say it all!

When/IF you feel up to it, ask if she is ok. If this is such an out of character response, I agree that it sounds like she us struggling. Cost of living, coping with 5 children, DH issues- who knows??? Personally, it should be HER contacting YOU to apologies though.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:28

batsandeggs · 09/10/2023 20:19

If it’s extremely out of character then I’d arrange a chat at some point when you feel able to. She absolutely needs to know how hurtful her comment was, and there’s no excuse for it. Equally, I can only assume there’s something deeper going on with her that is worth exploring too.

Thank you

OP posts:
newYear10 · 09/10/2023 20:28

Who cares if she is stressed?? She was downright cruel by saying that and I'm also almost certain she knew exactly what she was saying. That is a very specific thing to say especially knowing the struggle that you've had. I would leave it and wait for her to come to you with a very remorseful apology. Someone who genuinely said it without thinking , would immediately be apologising and then apologising again! Have you even heard from her?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:29

Lemonpledge · 09/10/2023 20:20

Just ask her if she's ok. If it's out of character for her, she might be struggling.

Far point. I guess that makes me unreasonable for not wanting to ask that right now?

OP posts:
Lelophants · 09/10/2023 20:29

This is shocking and very odd over a dress.
I wouldn’t buy anything new right now and wait it out. She needs to apologise. This can’t happen again.

Lelophants · 09/10/2023 20:30

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:29

Far point. I guess that makes me unreasonable for not wanting to ask that right now?

Show quote history

of course not. Let her cool down and let her apologise. You deserve some respect.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:31

@NnarcissaMalfoy thank you

What did you mean about not making a fuss in my position?

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/10/2023 20:31

I am on the side of trying to make a joke comment on a really bad day and just getting is spectacularly wrong. If she noticed, she will be mortified. If she is that stressed she may not have yet, but from what you have said about her, I am sure she will be horrified about how she affected you. Hugs to you and glad you got some laughs out of this thread.

gillywee · 09/10/2023 20:32

Step back and let her come to you. You shouldn't contact her at all, at the very least not til you've slept on it and reflected.

That dress is cute, imo.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:32

SM4713 · 09/10/2023 20:27

I agree with NOT having DH or yourself sending a text. Let things calm. Your silence alone will say it all!

When/IF you feel up to it, ask if she is ok. If this is such an out of character response, I agree that it sounds like she us struggling. Cost of living, coping with 5 children, DH issues- who knows??? Personally, it should be HER contacting YOU to apologies though.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Seawaver · 09/10/2023 20:33

What a hideous, nasty thing to say. Even if it was a poor foot-in-mouth moment, she couldn’t have said anything much worse.

See if any apology is forthcoming and if not speak to her and tell her how that comment made you feel. And I’d forget about buying another dress and send a voucher for a kids clothing shop and she can pick the bloody dress herself.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:33

newYear10 · 09/10/2023 20:28

Who cares if she is stressed?? She was downright cruel by saying that and I'm also almost certain she knew exactly what she was saying. That is a very specific thing to say especially knowing the struggle that you've had. I would leave it and wait for her to come to you with a very remorseful apology. Someone who genuinely said it without thinking , would immediately be apologising and then apologising again! Have you even heard from her?

Not a word. She was going to play cards with the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:33

Lelophants · 09/10/2023 20:29

This is shocking and very odd over a dress.
I wouldn’t buy anything new right now and wait it out. She needs to apologise. This can’t happen again.

She may not even realise I was hurt. I hung up pretty fast

OP posts:
Imuptoolate · 09/10/2023 20:34

Her comment was so cruel OP, I would really struggle to get over that!

I just wouldn’t show her in advance what you are buying for her kids in future. Just order what you want to and if she doesn’t like it then tough- that reflects more on her ungrateful attitude than on you. At this stage your niece isn’t going to care what she is wearing.

When your sister’s children are older and develop their own fashion sense/style she will have to let go a bit, as they might like completely different styles to what she has brought them up wearing anyway!

user1846385927482658 · 09/10/2023 20:34

I don't know her but it is the kind of thing that could be said in error followed by horror when she realised what she'd said. We all have moments where our words run in directions that aren't what we wanted to say.

I think the dress is really cute. You sound like such a lovely aunt and sister.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:34

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/10/2023 20:31

I am on the side of trying to make a joke comment on a really bad day and just getting is spectacularly wrong. If she noticed, she will be mortified. If she is that stressed she may not have yet, but from what you have said about her, I am sure she will be horrified about how she affected you. Hugs to you and glad you got some laughs out of this thread.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:36

gillywee · 09/10/2023 20:32

Step back and let her come to you. You shouldn't contact her at all, at the very least not til you've slept on it and reflected.

That dress is cute, imo.

I'm glad someone else likes the dress.

I just saw it and thought baby girl would love it. She likes colour

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:38

Seawaver · 09/10/2023 20:33

What a hideous, nasty thing to say. Even if it was a poor foot-in-mouth moment, she couldn’t have said anything much worse.

See if any apology is forthcoming and if not speak to her and tell her how that comment made you feel. And I’d forget about buying another dress and send a voucher for a kids clothing shop and she can pick the bloody dress herself.

Thank you.

I'm going to leave it until the refund is processed and see how I feel.

I bought pyjamas for baby boy at the same time and my sister liked those

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:39

Imuptoolate · 09/10/2023 20:34

Her comment was so cruel OP, I would really struggle to get over that!

I just wouldn’t show her in advance what you are buying for her kids in future. Just order what you want to and if she doesn’t like it then tough- that reflects more on her ungrateful attitude than on you. At this stage your niece isn’t going to care what she is wearing.

When your sister’s children are older and develop their own fashion sense/style she will have to let go a bit, as they might like completely different styles to what she has brought them up wearing anyway!

Fair point. I know she doesn't like what her eldest son does.

OP posts:
vapesareforsnakes · 09/10/2023 20:39

Awful, awful, awful comment, crass and thoughtless, I am so sorry OP.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:40

user1846385927482658 · 09/10/2023 20:34

I don't know her but it is the kind of thing that could be said in error followed by horror when she realised what she'd said. We all have moments where our words run in directions that aren't what we wanted to say.

I think the dress is really cute. You sound like such a lovely aunt and sister.

Aww thank you. I'm crying again. But happy

OP posts: