Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:10

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 09/10/2023 21:22

Crazy thing to say to you.

What was the outfit?

A summer dress from Matalan. Photo on page 1, I think

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 09/10/2023 22:11

What a horrible thing to say! Completely uncalled for and really cruel. No excuse for it.

I'd be letting her come to you. She owes you a massive apology.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:11

Lovestodrinkmilk · 09/10/2023 21:23

You bought a hideous dress and your sister had an awful foot-in-mouth moment. Can't you both laugh about this together?

Not today. Maybe one day?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:12

echt · 09/10/2023 21:24

well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly

I'm another who isn't buying the she didn't mean it view. It doesn't pop out of nowhere. It's what she thinks of you.

So sorry you had to listen to that.

Flowers

The skirt is lovely.

Thank you

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 09/10/2023 22:13

Wow that's so nasty!

theprincessthepea · 09/10/2023 22:14

That is a horrible comment! So insensitive. You are in your right to react that way. This doesn’t excuse her behaviour but sisters can be so mean!

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:15

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 21:25

You must remember your sister is way busier then you

Didn't take long, did it?

Sorry, OP. That's an awful thing to say. I would just send a voucher. Don't spend any more time on finding another dress.

Thank you.

Am I silly for wanting to find another dress? I've bought over the year for the first 3 boys and I feel like I'd miss an experience buying for a girl. Crazy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:18

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 21:25

My Sister was like this during my infertility struggles. Once the seal is broken and that first comment made it will lead to more. She has her ‘precious’ daughter and will probably not be as willing to allow you to have a close relationship with her as she does her sons. For your sake I’d take a big step back and leave her to it.

Thank you. Why would she feel different about my relationship with her daughter? Curious

OP posts:
Strictlyfanoftenyears · 09/10/2023 22:19

Im wondering whether she was expecting a designer brand as you were buying off Vinted? I mean Matalan isnt high end and is inexpensive to buy new, (although I love it) Perhaps that was the issue.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:23

DeeCee77 · 09/10/2023 21:31

Given that she's been supportive of you and this comment is out of character I'd put it down as her being tactless rather than mean. In other words she unintentionally goofed up.

I have an uncle who does this alot..so much so we now tend to let it slide rather than say anything to him.

Definitely have a word with her OP.

Once my rational brain is in control

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 22:23

That was a totally unnecessary and unkind comment from your sister and I’d be expecting a sincere apology from her. What a bitch.

I’d just buy her baby daughter any old dress now.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:24

DreamTheMoors · 09/10/2023 21:35

My sister once said to me, “If you had kids, who would take care of who?

Putting aside the atrocious grammar, it was a shitty thing to say and it’s stayed with me for the last 45 years.

Just file it away, @Spencer0220-
Regardless of whether or not she apologises, the damage is done — she can’t unsay these hurtful words and you’ll be hard pressed to forget them.

I’ll never understand why people have to go out of their way to be so cruel.

Thank you

OP posts:
Lifeomars · 09/10/2023 22:25

Lemonpledge · 09/10/2023 20:20

Just ask her if she's ok. If it's out of character for her, she might be struggling.

You could use this as a starting point when you do see her. Something along the lines of "what you said to me about the other day hurt me really badly, It was so out of character as you have always been so supportive to me. Because this isn't the way you usually are with me it has really made me wonder if you are ok" or words to this effect as you know your sister and have been on the receiving end of what she said to you. I would like to think that at the momenent she is replaying her conversation with you in her head and wishing she could take back every word. You sound like a loving sister and a wonderful aunty and I am so sorry you have been hurt like this

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/10/2023 22:26

Crocadoodledoo · 09/10/2023 21:45

Your sister’s mask has slipped by the looks of it, OP.

There are no excuses for saying something like that. If she’s stressed out from having five kids then that’s on her.

The reason she felt OK to say it is that she dislikes you on some level and she’s managed to hide it up to now.

I agree with this, especially the part that she dislikes OP on some level.

A pp says this comment was tactless, yes it tactless but the sister knew exactly what she was saying and it’s mean and unkind and designed to hurt OP. I couldn’t get past that without a sincere apology. Even then I’d still have to give it time to forgive and forget.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 09/10/2023 22:27

I'm infertile. I get it. That was a really awful thing she said.

You said after she had her son you broke down crying when you met him. She cuddled you and sounds like she was very compassionate. I point this out only to say it sounds like she generally is very kind. Not everyone would be understanding of someone crying after they'd just given birth. I think she loves you and sounds pretty amazing normally.

I won't make excuses for her, but 5 kids including twins and kids with autism/ADHD is a lot. She likely didn't even think about it. She was thoughtless and cruel, but I don't think she meant it maliciously.

Your DH needs to back off. Your sister and you need to talk face to face. Once she apologizes to you I think you'll have to let it go though. She seems like a pretty supportive sister most of the time, and all of us have said regretable things.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:27

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/10/2023 21:36

I think it's lovely!

I like to see small children in bright colours (I know there's nothing wrong with pastels, but they're pretty ubiquitous).

Is it the style rather than the colour/ pattern she was so against? It's very summery. (Though it could be worn with a little jumper.

Show quote history

Thank you. I think it was the pattern?

Yes it was a summer dress, but she wanted something for summer

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:28

LifeExperience · 09/10/2023 21:36

The dress is adorable.

Yay! Thank you

OP posts:
Goodornot · 09/10/2023 22:32

I'm the you in this situation.

My sister has made countless comments like that to me. She's handed back presents saying she doesn't like them. If I say it's rude she says when you have kids you can choose what they wear. Oh wait you won't have any.

Now my DN is 8 they get a card and that's it.

Honestly don't do gifts this year.

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2023 22:32

Your sister is now getting an unnecessary mn kicking
she's not a bitch
unlikely a mask has slipped revealing her true malevolent dark self
no reason she’s going to particularly exclude you from the niece

she is human and flawed,probably very tired and in the heat of an argument was unkind to you
you said shes usually supportive and has been in past, it’s a lapse in demeanour and judgement. It happens. I’m in no way minimising but we all have moments we are abrupt, clunky and unintentionally cruel

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:32

Millybob · 09/10/2023 21:40

You absolutely don't need to buy a new gift! The baby won't notice and it's essentially a gift for your sister who doesn't deserve one.
That was a horrible thing to say

Twins are 2 and love opening gifts.

My sis and BIL only allow gifts for kids if they all get one.

OP posts:
WtP · 09/10/2023 22:32

As someone who would have loved to have children I really feel for you 💔
That dress is beautiful & I know my Sister in law would have loved it for her daughter when younger.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:36

Namechangad12 · 09/10/2023 21:44

Disgusting and uncalled for. I'd be very upset too OP xx
The dress looks super cute!!

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 09/10/2023 22:41

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:07

I will be. You'd think after 20 years I wouldn't be so upset

Show quote history

I don’t think there’s a time limit on the grief of infertility. My delightful brother once told me I’d achieved nothing in life because I didn’t have kids 🙄. It’s been over 20 years and still rankles. Another relative is 18 years older and still sad about her infertility, worse thing is the males seem to be over infertile.

Give her some space and hopefully she’ll realise what she said was hurtful and will apologise. It’s often the most off the cuff remarks that hurt the most but some people are too insensitive to see it.

Goodornot · 09/10/2023 22:43

If we are to believe that having children shows you the true power and depth of love - why are those with children often so unhappy and spiteful to those who cant have them?

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/10/2023 22:45

I can see that I am in a minority but FWIW I strongly dislike the dress. HOWEVER I would never have been so rude as to let you know and your sister’s comment was very cruel.