Childless comment

[Spencer0220]

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

No need for animal slurs 🙄

Vile comment. I'd withhold any further acquisitions for her extensive brood until she apologises

And I'd certainly make sure I'm not out of pocket propping up her extensive family. What a nasty pos

No need for animal slurs 🙄

Considered input? Your sister has been called a cow, pos, unstable,mask slipped etc
You have actively said thank you to posts attacking your sister with no further comment. When I queried your thank you response You’ve clarified such posts are considered input
Overall this is an appalling thread,posters attacking a woman,commenting on her mental health, criticising her family size with a huh,who has 5 children tone?
Your sister She made an inappropriate comment for sure, but your thread has seen the woman eviscerated. IMO, You really don’t emerge well from this thread.That is my considered input

If you saw the update, she has apologised after a fashion. It's not an apology at all.

I have bought a new dress for baby girl, but I don't intend to let on. It was similar to ones DSis showed me.

I have also informed DSis that she is only allowed to communicate with me via text now. Same goes for my DH.

I don't know how to handle in person visits. It's baby twins 2nd birthday in December and I usually take everyone to dinner start of December.

Note, we can't hold parties in DSis' house because it's no longer wheelchair accessible. So dinners out for birthdays are usually the best option.

I'm infertile, and her comment was cruel. You say she's been supportive and patient with you but after this comment you are supporting people ripping her apart.

She has trauma, 5 kids, the oldest who have special needs, she made a mistake.

I don't think she should be condemned and vilified.

Thank you.

I wouldn't say I was supporting anyone though. I was making a point of thanking everybody that posted

Exactly this. The remark was inexcusable no matter how stressed she was. A thoughtless, but still horrible, remark would be something like “you wouldn’t have bought a dress like that for your own daughter”. Telling her infertile sister that it was a good thing she didn’t have children because basically she would have been a bad mother, was calculatedly cruel. It’s not something any decent person would say to any infertile person, never mind a sister you are meant to love.

Yes you are quite correct. My apologies. Thank you for calling it out - I will do better

Exactly @KimberleyClark Thank you

First of all, no more dinners or anything where you're the one paying for her and her family.

She's a deeply unpleasant person who's been completely taking advantage of you.

I usually take everyone to dinner start of December.

Do you pay for these dinners, @Spencer0220? What input does your sister have in this plan?

Also, you mentioned earlier that after the twins your BIL had a vasectomy but didn't tell your sister. Why is he discussing something so personal with you (and possibly others)?

So who pays? She can't.

I certainly wouldn't want my mum to who is struggling.
How is this fair for the kids?

I always have. My mum can't. My sister can't.

Unfortunately, my sister has worked out that husband and I probably have significant disposable income. When we pulled the plug on financial support about 8 months ago, things started to go south.

It doesn't matter to her that we're not interested in helping her anymore. Even though she knows our income is going to buying a house that suits my medical needs and is in one of the most expensive areas of the uk.

Also, she knows about the vasectomy. She just wasn't consulted about getting it. Needless to say, she was furious.

I know about it, because BIL told me in case she flew off the handle and he needed help with the kids.

You have a heart of gold putting the children first. Even though your sister is an arse and demanding. What would happen if you gave the children surprise gifts would she fly off the handle in front of them?

I don't think she'd fly off the handle, but I'd definitely be told that it wasn't welcome and not to do it again.

Besides, I'm supposed to understand her trauma apparently!

I do try. I went through some stuff myself, but not what she did

Was she abused?

Yes. I believe I mentioned that in a previous comment or two.

This is all messed up too! Why on earth do you have to treat everyone to dinner when it’s her children’s birthdays? It’s up to her to organise a lovely celebration lunch and invite you and your DH the beloved Aunty and uncle.

And no idea why on earth she would pick a non wheelchair accessible house if she has close family in a wheelchair that’s also unforgivable in my eyes. Just truly awful and mean 😰

This is all mind boggling and far more complex than picking a little girls new dress.

I have no idea how you and your DH have tolerated all of this for this long, and yes texted only are best for now and take a few days or weeks to reply too.

It’s her responsibility to pay as it’s her children. She should be able to invite you around for a cup of tea and a slice of birthday cake but she can’t if she’s picked a house you or DH cannot access.

This is so very sad. You and your DH need to stick to saving for a home and just stick to each other. There are so many levels of manipulation and control going on here it’s completely unhealthy.

Has your DH tried to point things out prior to this? He must be feeling really low about it all too.

I really don't see how someone who would react like that and say such a horrible comment could ever be classed as a kind person!!

Sounds like you are better off without her- clearly she is rubbing salt in your wounds.

Life is so cruel, and i think the wrong sister has definitely got the benefit of being able to have children here! She sounds like an ungrateful and dramatic birch IMHO

@Tbry to be fair, she was housed by her council. So I know she didn't get a say. It's a lovely house and suits her and her family very well.

She has never organised anything for her kids birthday with family. Everyone else either attends the party she books for their friends or pops round the house for cake on the day.

Even if she did ask to do something, it would be with somebody else paying. I won't allow mum to pay because I know how much she's struggling to make her own ends meet with basically no pension. (Mum left work after I was born and never returned once it was established how much support I would require.)

DH has always known my sister this way. I put up with her because I don't want to lose the kids

Thank you.

I'd give anything to be a mum. I'm a fur mummy which is lovely