Childless comment

[Spencer0220]

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

Thank you

That's really awful and inexcusable.

That's an awful comment, I'm sorry you were on the receiving end. How would she feel If it was the other way around? I would wait for her to reach out to you...if she doesn't I wouldn't be chasing her. What I also hate is when you pull people up on an intensive comment like that and they respond with an excuse for their behaviour. Some people pick their targets well.... knowing who they can speak to in such a disrespectful way and thinking they can get away with it.

Oh my gosh what a vile comment. I'm so sorry @Spencer0220 I am willing to bet you'd be a better mother than her!

I have no words. How utterly nasty. I'd struggle to speak to her after this TBH. I'd give her a wide berth for a while.

Thank you

Thank you

What a vile individual. And she is (perhaps unworthily) blessed with 5 children and you can’t even have one. So bitterly awful. I would find that comment unforgivable and I forgive most things.

OP I hope you find peace with tour situation one day. Whether that is through adoption, fostering, or some other way of being ‘family’.

Thank you

@Spencer0220

she didn't mean it 🤗

it was a hurtful thing to hear, but I think it just came out without a thought. It's the thing friends & I say when we have very different taste, sadly this time it hit a raw part of you. If you'd been discussing paint colour & disagreed & she'd said 'just as well you're not choosing my lounge colour' you'd not have blinked. I'm sure (from what you've said it was done extremely thoughtlessly not nastily.

with that many kids I'd be putting my foot in my mouth constantly!! From exhaustion!

I'm not a fan of loud colours, but I think that little dress is cute!! I would get it for Christmas though, a tad summery!

Thank you. I have the most amazing husband who truly understands.

And by accident we ended up Guinea pig parents. They are such lovely bundles of fur.

Oh the 'poor thing' she has five children and your mother isn't around to help?! Cry me a river. Distracted,stressed or overwhelmed? Nope not having it. Zero excuses. I hope none of my siblings would say something so cruel but if they did? Yeah it would be a mistake made only once, That dress is bright and cheerful and very generous of you to gift and hell would freeze over before I bought anything else without a heartfelt apology

My first reading was she is an absolute bitch and it's a nasty vile comment. I can imagine how upset you are. On reflection though if things are normally OK between you I think she just made an absolutely stupid comment at a really stressed time in her life and didn't realise the impact. I think you are right to be angry and deserve an apology but I'd say with new baby twins and 3 others she will not even think about. Maybe don't contact her for a while, let her contact next and just say you are upset etc. I think if you go ringing now when she is so busy she will be dismissive and that will only damage your relationship more.

My sis said something similar once and I've never forgotten it but decided to let it slide as it was so unlike her. I think she totally misread the situation and just blurted out a stupid random thing.

She didn't mean it.

Why say it then?

I know.

Re summery, my sister did mention that they needed summer stuff to grow into

Exactly this. I am shocked at some posters on here making an excuse for this nasty vile comment. Oh she meant it all right! Awful mean spiteful nasty comment.

I'm also childless NBC, and if my sister (or anyone) made that comment to me, I would be enormously hurt and would struggle to see past it tbh.

Infertility is hell on earth. It doesn't matter if she was stressed, that was so crass and thoughtless, and for a close sister to make that remark is beyond shocking.

No advice, really, but just wanted to say you are well within reason to feel the way you do. I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this x

Her comment was thoughtless at best and really cruel at worst. It might be out of character for her and maybe she does have other things going on but she still owes you a big apology.

I'm hoping she was stressed and not thinking (although I do find it hard to believe she had momentarily forgotten why you don't have children) and when she realises what she said she will be mortified and apologise without prompting.

I would leave it for now but if an apology is not forthcoming I would call or message her and tell her how hurtful her words were.

I've said something similar before OP.

My best friend can't have children and after my DH lost his job and we were falling deep into debt, I said something like "you're lucky you don't have fucking nursery fees coming out your arse".
I didn't even realise what I'd really said until the silence settled. I had meant she was lucky their jobs were secure and they could afford all their bills.

I was beyond mortified when I realised what I'd said. I don't know if I temporarily forgot who I was speaking to, or forgot about her fertility struggles, or what really. We're still best friends but I have such shame when I think back about it now. She has forgiven me fortunately as she knows I'm not a cruel person and I wouldn't have been outright nasty intentionally.

My advice would be to let your sister know how her comment made you feel providing you still want to have a relationship with her. If you don't, just cut her off.

Best case scenario is she still hasn't realised what she's said and will be deeply sorry when you tell her. Worse case she's well aware but doesn't care. What's more likely?

Not acceptable for her comment, maybe she was upset as the dress is second hand?
I never buy second had stuff.

@Bertiesmum3 Do you honestly think a purchase secondhand is any way a plausible reason for what dreck her sister said? OP stated her sister knew she purchases from vinted so no that excuse doesn't hold water

That was a truly awful comment from your sister. I'm sure it was said flippantly and she didn't mean it and probably feels awful about it. You sound like a very caring aunt.

I'm a bit confused about the dress though, you said in the OP you are fussy about quality but you are buying a used Matalan summer dress as a Christmas gift for £1 plus postage. That is a truly awful Christmas gift and I'm not surprised she asked you to cancel. To make a point of showing her a £1 dress before ordering seems very odd.

That is so ugly. I am so very sorry. It's disgusting really.

Your sister isn’t a very nice person i’m afraid. Hope you’re ok OP x

Please tell her how much it hurt your feelings. She ought to know. And apologise.