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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 10/10/2023 22:54

You deleted me why? I said the thread was unfairly portraying the sister as pantomime baddy
others have called op sister
unstable
in a toxic marriage
queried why a woman has 5 children, as if it’s a shortcoming
comments about the sister mental health

are any of those comments going to be deleted?
The op has habitually responded thank you to posters who have berated her sister

MsRosley · 10/10/2023 23:14

Her husband tried to get a vasectomy after 3. She threatened suicide again.

She did what? What the hell did I just read?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 00:21

Crocadoodledoo · 10/10/2023 20:04

I think I’d be taking a good step back from her until the New Year at least. Have a good think about whether you really need/want a relationship with her in the future.

Sorry to say it, but if she treats you (and other people too, by the sounds of it) badly, the chances are her kids will grow up to do the same, so I wouldn’t put my own emotional and mental health at risk for the sake of a relationship with them.

Send them Christmas presents by all means, but don’t bother asking your sister’s permission for what to get! Let her have one of her stupid tantrums if she’s not happy. What a control freak! You need to get the relationship back onto an even keel rather than it being all on her terms and you won’t achieve that if you just roll over and accept this.

Thank you. I agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 00:22

Sallyh87 · 10/10/2023 21:30

Missing the point of the thread a bit but I wish my sister cared as much as you do for my kids. It would be lovely to have that support and for the kids to have such an amazing aunt.

Your sister is a piece of work and not nice. Probably just self absorbed and unhappy.

Sadly, you will probably just need to let it go to keep up the relationship with the kids. But you have seen her for what she is, don’t let her have the power to upset you.

Thank you

OP posts:
Ilovecakey · 11/10/2023 00:32

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/10/2023 22:54

You deleted me why? I said the thread was unfairly portraying the sister as pantomime baddy
others have called op sister
unstable
in a toxic marriage
queried why a woman has 5 children, as if it’s a shortcoming
comments about the sister mental health

are any of those comments going to be deleted?
The op has habitually responded thank you to posters who have berated her sister

Yes I can't believe the comments about having 5 children. As I said I have 5 myself and also have twins. I agree it was a nasty thing the sister said but why are people making comments about her having 5 children? Though on here most people seem to think it's bad to have any more than 2!

Tryingandfailingagain · 11/10/2023 00:42

I think it’s an off the cuff remark she’s made, without thinking of the hurt it would cause. No doubt she is absolutely kicking herself.

Echo also what other pp are saying, she could be stressed herself. Most people generally don’t set out to intentionally wound others.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 00:44

Tryingandfailingagain · 11/10/2023 00:42

I think it’s an off the cuff remark she’s made, without thinking of the hurt it would cause. No doubt she is absolutely kicking herself.

Echo also what other pp are saying, she could be stressed herself. Most people generally don’t set out to intentionally wound others.

Thank you

Also in general

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 00:45

In general I don't object to 5 kids. But she couldn't manage 3.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 11/10/2023 06:36

This thread has turned into a puff piece telling op how magnificent she is etc,and berating the sister.

Op I observe you repeatedly say thank you to posts criticising your sister,why is that? Those posts are very harsh, your response very brief.

To other posters did you miss that the op sister has experienced childhood trauma? When criticising her mental health, calling her unstable, did you consider potential factors like trauma?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 06:53

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/10/2023 06:36

This thread has turned into a puff piece telling op how magnificent she is etc,and berating the sister.

Op I observe you repeatedly say thank you to posts criticising your sister,why is that? Those posts are very harsh, your response very brief.

To other posters did you miss that the op sister has experienced childhood trauma? When criticising her mental health, calling her unstable, did you consider potential factors like trauma?

I'm thanking those that have given considered input and I don't have anything else to add.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/10/2023 08:20

I think if it was an off the cuff stressed remark that you now knew deeply wounded someone you care about, you would apologise profusely and repeatedly.

You would not behave in the way her sister has, a non apology, dismissive and trying to move on...

Not a chance those are the actions of someone genuinely sorry.

echinaceadreams · 11/10/2023 08:22

No more clothes.

I'm so sorry she was such a cow

echinaceadreams · 11/10/2023 08:24

Just so you know OP if you click the little hands "thanks" it lets the poster know you've thanked them.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 11:51

Update

I spoke to my mother last night, on her holiday. Holiday or no, we speak every night. Even if for 2 minutes just to check in. We've done it for years.

Anyway, she knew something was up. And got out of me what happened. She is very angry and upset with DSis because she knows all about my fertility problems. When she returns to the uk i suspect that she is going to be having words with DSis.

I'm now even more confused because my sister has been sending me links to dresses her daughter would like in the £1-3 mark on vinted.

I chose a dress with peppa pig on already, as I know she loves peppa. It was similar to a couple my DSis suggested

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 11:52

echinaceadreams · 11/10/2023 08:24

Just so you know OP if you click the little hands "thanks" it lets the poster know you've thanked them.

I'm not seeing that option on the Mumsnet app? I do most of my posting via here.

OP posts:
Tinklyheadtilt · 11/10/2023 12:09

When you are calm I would go for a coffee and call her out on it. She needs to understand what a damaging comment that is. If she is a good sister she will see she has done wrong.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 12:27

Tinklyheadtilt · 11/10/2023 12:09

When you are calm I would go for a coffee and call her out on it. She needs to understand what a damaging comment that is. If she is a good sister she will see she has done wrong.

Thank you. She usually won't see me because she's too busy

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 11/10/2023 17:00

Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 00:45

In general I don't object to 5 kids. But she couldn't manage 3.

I had 3 under 5 at one point it's a job in itself and one I don't regret as I am sure your sister wouldn't.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 11/10/2023 17:27

Your sisters mean. Even if she didn’t like it why would it be that big of a deal? My kids have been brought outfits in the past that I probably wouldn’t have chose. But you know what? I’ve smiled, said thank you and so long as dd liked it enough I’ve dressed them in it anyway. Kids aren’t fashion accessories to dress up and style how we fancy.

im sorry her comment upset you. You should probably let her know how it made you feel, she needs to be called out on her shitty behaviour.

Tbry · 11/10/2023 21:08

Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 11:51

Update

I spoke to my mother last night, on her holiday. Holiday or no, we speak every night. Even if for 2 minutes just to check in. We've done it for years.

Anyway, she knew something was up. And got out of me what happened. She is very angry and upset with DSis because she knows all about my fertility problems. When she returns to the uk i suspect that she is going to be having words with DSis.

I'm now even more confused because my sister has been sending me links to dresses her daughter would like in the £1-3 mark on vinted.

I chose a dress with peppa pig on already, as I know she loves peppa. It was similar to a couple my DSis suggested

Just ignore your sisters suggestions if she likes those clothes she can buy them but she won’t need summer dresses for DD until next year and then they might not fit.

It is not up to her what your gift is, you get to choose the gifts and give them to the children. She gets to see them open the gift which is a surprise. That’s how gifts worked, she has this all skewed so she’s in control of everything.

Also she’s busy with 5 children to look after so she can focus on that part and not be controlling/telling you what to do. Plus she’s not even addressing what she said to you.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 12/10/2023 00:09

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 11/10/2023 17:27

Your sisters mean. Even if she didn’t like it why would it be that big of a deal? My kids have been brought outfits in the past that I probably wouldn’t have chose. But you know what? I’ve smiled, said thank you and so long as dd liked it enough I’ve dressed them in it anyway. Kids aren’t fashion accessories to dress up and style how we fancy.

im sorry her comment upset you. You should probably let her know how it made you feel, she needs to be called out on her shitty behaviour.

I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 12/10/2023 00:12

@Tbry I'm now seeing that. I think we (collectively as a family) have been so careful not to trigger trauma in her that we've inadvertently let her get away with far too much

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 12/10/2023 00:13

Thank you so much again to everyone. I really appreciate all the time and input to help and comfort. It's been invaluable

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/10/2023 00:47

Have you thought about going no contact for a while and then talk to her again. I was shocked when she told you what to buy your niece and where from. You need to leave her alone and let her think she won't change if you argue and pander to her. It's as if she knows you don't mean it and you will buy it anyway. When you say nothing and ignore her she wont like it but you have to give her that space to think about what she has done.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 12/10/2023 01:55

I informed her that from now on, she can only contact me by text.

That way, I have proof if she's that mean

OP posts: