Childless comment

[Spencer0220]

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

Thank you.

I don't really know how to move forward.

Thats not an apology OP.
Tell her you expect an apology

I know that is the best I'm getting. I won't get anything else

Replying to your reply - can't quote a quote sorry!

Well you said it's always been a tumultuous relationship. And you said you are scared to buy something else. And that you are afraid you'll lose the connection with your nephews/ niece if you rock the boat too much. All I meant was there's probably more to unpick about this dynamic with your Dsis. But most likely with a therapist or someone qualified!

You sound really nice, I don't like the idea of her trampling all over your feelings. I think you need to know your own worth but at the same time I don't know enough to say your sister is definitely a mad controlling cowbag who you should never speak to again / or whether she's the type of person you could have a sensible conversation with. It would be nice to think this whole thing could be talked about properly and respectfully. But she might not be in the right place for that right now. She's definitely got a lot on her plate. But that doesn't mean her rights trump your rights!!

I agree. People don't say such unspeakably cruel things like that if they are not thinking them.

I love the dress too.

Thank you.

@KimberleyClark thank you

DH needs some new shorts. I usually do all the clothes shopping for convenience. He trusts me and most of what I get is exactly what he wants. (It's also knowing when to ignore what he says and get what I know he wants. He's not brilliant at explaining. )

I'm sitting here stuck. I know what he needs and what he wants, but I hate that he might hate the choices I made

Argh!

That’s such a cruel thing to say. I have to say I’m totally baffled by your gifting process. She sounds utterly ungrateful. I wouldn’t be buying any more gifts. There is no excuse for what she said.

her decision to have an excessive number of children. I’d have zero sympathy to her being tired or stressed. I wouldn’t speak to my sibling if they had that many kids. It’s utterly irresponsible

My gifting process?

I love giving gifts. I just love making people happy.

I don't disagree it's a bit much.

I'd be satisfied with one.

Her husband tried to get a vasectomy after 3. She threatened suicide again.

After the twins he did it and didn't consult her.

She threatened suicide again.

There are clearly a lot of issues here @PinkRoses1245

Perhaps you really do need to distance yourself from her.

Yes, agree. You need to step back.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person, and a fabulous sister and aunt. Also you have wonderful fashion sense because that dress is lovely!! Go out and buy your DH those shorts - I bet he loves whatever you get!

As to your sister - my word she clearly has issues! Threatening suicide, saying things without thinking, being so cruel to you, making gift-buying a nightmare for everyone. I would take a big mental step back from her - enjoy your relationship with your niece and nephews, but remember that their mother is not a very nice person.

But without a relationship with with their mum I can't see them? Or phone or anything.

I would suggest having a very impersonal relationship with her, ie polite, but don't think of her as a friend

You sound so lovely as does your husband.

OP, your sister does not sound like a stable person.

Threatening suicide, lashing out.

Her non apology is all part of her thinking that she can behave badly towards you without consequences.

I am not going to suggest you go no contact, but I am going to recommend you don't sweep this under the carpet.

I think you need to think in terms of perhaps protecting yourself better than you do, stepping back a bit.

Such a truly viciously wounding comment, said in such anger, over such an inconsequential matter, is not something you should forget.

She has chosen to have 5 children, that doesn't mean she gets to use you as her emotional punching bag.

Her relationship with her husband sounds toxic.

Overwhelmingly the thread has been supportive of you and pilloried your sister
Taking the vicarious indignation of others out of it, what are you want? How would you like this to resolve?
I think your sister was unkind and thoughtless in her comment. However I don’t think she deserves a pasting from strangers on basis of one argument that you’ve reported.
Going forward,I wish you well and hope this resolves satisfactorily

But then she takes the kids

Thank you

I think I’d be taking a good step back from her until the New Year at least. Have a good think about whether you really need/want a relationship with her in the future.

Sorry to say it, but if she treats you (and other people too, by the sounds of it) badly, the chances are her kids will grow up to do the same, so I wouldn’t put my own emotional and mental health at risk for the sake of a relationship with them.

Send them Christmas presents by all means, but don’t bother asking your sister’s permission for what to get! Let her have one of her stupid tantrums if she’s not happy. What a control freak! You need to get the relationship back onto an even keel rather than it being all on her terms and you won’t achieve that if you just roll over and accept this.

It's not an excessive amount of children! I have 5 children myself and the last ones were twins. She can hardly help it that her last pregnancy was twins can she!

Missing the point of the thread a bit but I wish my sister cared as much as you do for my kids. It would be lovely to have that support and for the kids to have such an amazing aunt.

Your sister is a piece of work and not nice. Probably just self absorbed and unhappy.

Sadly, you will probably just need to let it go to keep up the relationship with the kids. But you have seen her for what she is, don’t let her have the power to upset you.