Childless comment

[Spencer0220]

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

I mean I understand preference. And I had to ask size.

Last year eight year old wanted a dressing gown. He's very tall and he wears age 12

@CatamaranViper have I said anything about not liking her?

My sis and BIL only allow gifts for kids if they all get one.

Although unknown gifts trigger panic....... and I don't want to provoke

But now I need to buy a new gift and I'm scared to

I've highlighted some of your comments here. Your sister and brother in law seem quite particular about what is bought as gifts for their children.

It isn't a normal response to be "scared" of buying a gift - that comment seems a bit of an overreaction to me (I mean that kindly btw).

It also seems strange to me that unknown gifts "trigger panic" (in your sister?) - whatever does that even mean?

Have things always been as tense between you and your sister?

I assume you are perhaps on a strict budget given the price of the dress. You can hardly give a voucher for that amount (£1 plus postage) so given you have five children to buy for in that family alone perhaps it's better for you to tell your sister you'll stop buying gifts this year as it is becoming quite difficult and their demands are hard to accommodate.

Out of curiosity - do they buy you anything for Christmas, birthday etc?

They are incredibly particular. I don't think anyone has ever bought anything for my sister or the kids without approval. My mum just gives vouchers as my sister can have epic meltdowns about the stress of receiving gifts.

My sister has an awful lot of childhood trauma and apparently unexpected gifts is one thing. I didn't know this until recently. Hence why I asked multiple times if she had preferences for the dress.

Yes, they give gifts, but they don't really listen if we make suggestions before hand. I'm usually told they know what they're buying! Oh gosh I sound ungrateful. I really don't mean to be.

Yes, they give gifts, but they don't really listen if we make suggestions before hand.

She really can't have it both ways.

Personally I'd stop with the gift giving, throw it back to your sister, and tell her that her stresses and anxieties are turning what should be a pleasant experience into something quite the opposite.

Possibly one voucher for all the children so the parents can do with it as they want but this could put you way over your personal budgets.

I’d do the same here. No more clothes just vouchers. Yes your DSis might be stressed with 5 DC and 2 with additional needs but it’s her choice to have 5 DC.

I just thought. I don’t have DC. My DB’s DW has a brother and wife who have 2 young children, whom I see as nieces and nephews - I do have other nieces/nephews through half siblings, not in touch with their parents - for various reasons I don’t want to be.

I get them clothes as a treat occasionally, say winter jumpers or Easter tops/T-shirts, always nice brands like Mini Boden/H&M and I think sometimes they’re not quite right on receipt in the past and with the last one (Zara top and hair slides) I put in a gift receipt so they should choose their own. Though I did say if they wanted to return items to say to me.

I also had no idea until this year when it was mentioned to me that my niece being tall fits into 7 year old clothes and not for her age which is 6. Luckily they’re very nice about it and didn’t even mention this before so if it’s been passed on I wouldn’t mind.

One time when I got DN a dress (organic, pretty pattern), I gave it to her dad and he commented “oh this’ll do Sara (not real name) for nursery” and I was a bit as it wasn’t cheap, bought in a sale but of course I got over it!

Wow! Your sister is actually a piece of work. Don't let your gratitude for being allowed to have a relationship with your nephews and niece cloud your judgement on this.

What she said is inexcusable even if she had a "reason" to lash out. She's tired, she thinks you don't "get it" because you don't have your own kids, she's tired, she's not coping with all kids and no help, she hasn't resolved her childhood trauma. Whatever. She's not more important than you are. Her trauma isn't more important than your trauma. It's different. It's sad. It's life.

The ability to reproduce doesn't give her special status. She sounds like an arse and she needs to bloody well apologise! She literally made a choice to go for the most hurtful thing she could think of saying - over a dress. Not an attractive trait & hope she's ashamed of herself. Stop people pleasing with this woman. I dread to think what she will say to her kids when they don't do what she wants. If your relationship with your family is contingent on what sort of gifts you buy I think there's a much bigger problem to address.

PTSD from unexpected gifts. I've heard it all now.

Ah ok this sounds like the real issue then. She clearly has a lot going on, not your fault at all!

That's an absolutely awful and disgusting thing to say to you. She must have known how hurtful that would be - when you were trying to do something kind (give a present).
There must be more to this if it's out of character- either she's been feeling a certain
Way about something between you that she hasn't maturely raised and talked about and so resentment has built up, or something else going on in the rest of her life like work or relationship that's causing her to lash out at a 'safe' person like you.

You need to look after yourself though - I would suggest no reaching out until you've mended a little and then I would also suggest a letter or email (over a text as people tend to respond more quickly and thoughtlessly to texts) explaining how much this has hurt you.

You also definitely don't 'need' to buy her daughter a new gift, to replace the one she was rude about, or ever (unless you want to because it brings you joy but i think I'd prioritize buying baby clothes for friends children rather than this ungrateful rude sisters children)

Sending you a huge hug xx

I’d personally say to her just tell me what you want then or give her a voucher. I wouldn’t do it now, I’d leave this one go. She’s been horribly rude and if she doesn’t realise that in her own time I don’t know what you can do.

Ps I would absolutely love to have a sister /for my baby to have an auntie like you x

If she's horrified at what she's said why hasn't she followed Ip with an apology?

The dress is awful, I would not put my child in that. But that's besides the point! Your sister was unkind in her comments (I'd just have said it looks a bit gaudy and cheap), but the further comment about you not having children was awful.

She will realise what she has done and will be in touch to apologise. You can explain how much she hurt you. DO NOT let your husband get involved. It is really embarrassing and she will be furious if he texts her, he's not your spokesperson.

I understand this but in your opening post you said you were fussy about quality so could it have been she was expecting a high end dress as you were sourcing from Vinted? Therefore the £1 Matalan dress took her by surprise.

Either way, no need for that comment at all regardless of what the dress looks like.

You don’t sound ungrateful at all! Your sister has controlling problems that are affecting you as well as has now said something terrible. You should be free to buy any gifts you want for anyone at any time. It is NOT up to her and none of this is normal behaviour. Your poor mum being forced to buy vouchers means everyone’s pandering to your sister and that’s not healthy.

It’s normal for there to be a pile of gifts under the tree for the kids from all the members of the extended family, little things that people who love them think they will like and to show that they are thought of and loved.

Please pop over to the stately homes thread where many of us have extremely difficult family dynamics to deal with, you will be in a safe space with many wonderful people able to offer support and kindness.

Good point. Thank you

To update:

I had a message from my BIL earlier saying that this is just what my sister does. She never thinks. But she is sorry.

Later, I got what I thought was a genuine apology WhatsApp. However she doesn't accept that I took it as fashion sense = fertility. So I left it.

She didn't say anything about my concerns with a replacement dress. Totally ignoring.

Just kept telling me she doesn't think and was busy.

I don't know how I feel.

Currently isn't apologising to DH for his upset and likely won't

Thank you. What problem should I be addressing?

As an aside my mum hates giving gifts and usually resorts to vouchers. She also has a habit of buying us very random food items. Because that's what she bought my sister and I must be equally gifted.

I wonder if it's all connected?

Thank you

Aww thank you. I'm sure you have lots of amazing friends to fill the gap

Thank you. See update above

That's such a copout from your sister, sorry.

Curious what you would have expected?

More than "that's who I am, I just don't think." Maybe some empathy.

But it only matters that you're OK with it. I'm not advocating some great confrontation. But her attitude signals she's used to getting away with stuff because "she never thinks".

You sound like a good person. Don't let people use that against you in how you're treated.