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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless comment

328 replies

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:00

I'm 35. I've known since I was a teenager that having my own children wasn't a possibility. I haven't ever quite come to terms with it.

My little sister has 5 kids. The last being a mixed set of twins, two at Christmas. That would also be her only girl.

It's been a tumultuous relationship with my sister, but finally we are close.

She's always made a big thing of understanding my feelings about infertility and allowing me and DH a close relationship with her kids.

To the dilemma.

I have bought all the kids clothes over the years and always made sure to buy what their mum wanted. For Christmas I was super excited to buy baby girl a dress because I haven't bought dresses before. My sister told me the size and despite me asking multiple times, didn't have a style preference. She also said Vinted was fine, as she knows im fussy about quality.

So I bought a dress that DH and I both liked.

My sister HATED it and asked me to cancel the order. Which I did. To be honest, she was pretty vile about how much she hated the design. Fine, I understand. No problem.

But then she asked me if I could see her daughter in that. I can. She's worn colourful prints before. I said I'd dress my kid in that.

And that's when she said "well thank God you don't have children because you would dress them horribly."

I came off the phone and cried.

I don't mind honestly that she hated the dress.

But when she was glad I didn't have kids it broke my heart. AIBU?

I'm honestly scared to buy another dress.

OP posts:
wishon · 10/10/2023 02:42

Depending on her tone, could it have been a bad joke meant to "lighten" your childless situation? (I already said it wasn't a good joke so don't come at me!)

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:48

Breezy1985 · 10/10/2023 02:40

Such an awful thoughtless comment.

Your thread struck a chord with me. My auntie is childless not through choice, and my mum ended up having 4, you sound like such an amazing auntie, my aunt didn't live locally but we have always been super close, and we all say she is like an extra mum now we've all grown up, we realise how lucky we are to have her, I'm also a twin too.

I know nothing makes up for having your own children but your niece and nephews will be so thankful to have you and your DH.

Thank you. The oldest ones love us dearly so far.

Baby boy twin adores DH

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 02:50

wishon · 10/10/2023 02:42

Depending on her tone, could it have been a bad joke meant to "lighten" your childless situation? (I already said it wasn't a good joke so don't come at me!)

It absolutely wasnt. she was furious

OP posts:
Tbry · 10/10/2023 02:50

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 22:18

Thank you. Why would she feel different about my relationship with her daughter? Curious

Show quote history

I would agree that it is related to the fact she has a daughter. So sorry that was said to you, it was unforgivable and comes from a bad place as no-one can say that and not have meant it. I have an adult child but myself and my partner could not have any children so I can relate.

I have found as an Aunt to many Nieces it’s a lot of hard work, and that’s definitely not the children.

Over the years some comments from one particular mother of a niece have been beyond unbearable as well as using niece to hurt us. We agree to have niece for a long weekend get time off work and so on and then we are no longer allowed, has happened on numerous occasions. Or we arrange to drop a gift around at a set time mother takes niece out so we can’t see her have to leave gift on doorstep. Just a couple of examples.

I would not buy anything else at the moment.

And next Christmas buy all the kids a selection box to avoid any more vile comments.

Tbry · 10/10/2023 02:51

Crocadoodledoo · 09/10/2023 21:45

Your sister’s mask has slipped by the looks of it, OP.

There are no excuses for saying something like that. If she’s stressed out from having five kids then that’s on her.

The reason she felt OK to say it is that she dislikes you on some level and she’s managed to hide it up to now.

I agree , it’s like a jealousy sort of comment.

Chronicallymeeeee · 10/10/2023 03:00

Her reaction to the dress was unusual. If she doesn't like something she isn't normally that blunt.

I honestly feel like her reaction was because it was a second hand £1 Matalan dress as a Christmas present (not that there is anything wrong with that I am grateful for all gifts), because I don’t personally think the dress is nice but it is by no means revolting and definitely nothing for her to have an over the top reaction about?

Very sorry she was so awful OP.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 03:00

Tbry · 10/10/2023 02:50

I would agree that it is related to the fact she has a daughter. So sorry that was said to you, it was unforgivable and comes from a bad place as no-one can say that and not have meant it. I have an adult child but myself and my partner could not have any children so I can relate.

I have found as an Aunt to many Nieces it’s a lot of hard work, and that’s definitely not the children.

Over the years some comments from one particular mother of a niece have been beyond unbearable as well as using niece to hurt us. We agree to have niece for a long weekend get time off work and so on and then we are no longer allowed, has happened on numerous occasions. Or we arrange to drop a gift around at a set time mother takes niece out so we can’t see her have to leave gift on doorstep. Just a couple of examples.

I would not buy anything else at the moment.

And next Christmas buy all the kids a selection box to avoid any more vile comments.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 03:01

Chronicallymeeeee · 10/10/2023 03:00

Her reaction to the dress was unusual. If she doesn't like something she isn't normally that blunt.

I honestly feel like her reaction was because it was a second hand £1 Matalan dress as a Christmas present (not that there is anything wrong with that I am grateful for all gifts), because I don’t personally think the dress is nice but it is by no means revolting and definitely nothing for her to have an over the top reaction about?

Very sorry she was so awful OP.

I don't know, because she said second hand was fine.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 10/10/2023 03:03

It was an outrageous comment. However. I don't like the dress much. Sorry! M&S kids stuff is generally gorgeous

Aria999 · 10/10/2023 03:07

I think it's a lovely dress and would have been delighted to receipt for DD.

Your sister is weird.

Misses point of thread

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 03:18

Flyhigher · 10/10/2023 03:03

It was an outrageous comment. However. I don't like the dress much. Sorry! M&S kids stuff is generally gorgeous

Thank you for your honesty.

I have seen a lot of lovely m&s things, but not usually what baby girl wears

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 03:18

Aria999 · 10/10/2023 03:07

I think it's a lovely dress and would have been delighted to receipt for DD.

Your sister is weird.

Misses point of thread

Thank you

OP posts:
drhf · 10/10/2023 03:52

It might be time to take a hard look at your previous interactions with your sister. Is she the sort of insecure, judgemental person who fixates on appearances and whose capacity for empathy has worn away? Your gift idea, whether because of its style, cost or brand, didn''t match your sister's expectations. She considered the gift beneath her, and she felt so insulted by it that she insulted you right back.

You would likely have laughed that off, except she felt entitled to wound you by suggesting that your fashion sense means you deserve to have suffered the greatest grief of your life. She decided her disappointment in your gift was an equivalent pain to your childlessness. It sounds as if she has lost the ability to see you as an equal and a sister, and only sees you as someone to gratify her needs.

If so, she is unlikely to change. All you can do is expect nothing from her, and either have some boundaries of your own (and accept that she may reject you if you stop putting her first) or go along with her self-centredness for the sake of your relationship with your niece and nephews. What you should not do is make excuses for her or internalise her sense that her feelings matter more than yours (she's busy, she didn't mean it, it was a joke, I should have chosen something she would like, I'm too sensitive etc.).

By seeing your sister for who she is, you may be able to have a more stable and realistic relationship with her, and perhaps also to free up some time and energy for yourself to develop new friendships which let you grow and enjoy life more fully. Your sister's callousness says nothing about you and everything about her. Lavish your love and care on people who are able to reciprocate.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 04:11

*"You would likely have laughed that off, except she felt entitled to wound you by suggesting that your fashion sense means you deserve to have suffered the greatest grief of your life. She decided her disappointment in your gift was an equivalent pain to your childlessness. It sounds as if she has lost the ability to see you as an equal and a sister, and only sees you as someone to gratify her needs."
*
@drhf that is literally the best description of what went on. It's ridiculous really.

That said, if I lose contact, I lose the children and I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that

OP posts:
wishon · 10/10/2023 04:24

I don't like the dress at all, and I can understand if she was vicious about the dress because sometimes people think fashion is a free for all for critique, but the comment to you was disturbing if said in vicious/angry tone (as opposed to joking or sarcastic, which is thoughtless but not malicious).

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 04:28

wishon · 10/10/2023 04:24

I don't like the dress at all, and I can understand if she was vicious about the dress because sometimes people think fashion is a free for all for critique, but the comment to you was disturbing if said in vicious/angry tone (as opposed to joking or sarcastic, which is thoughtless but not malicious).

She was furious when saying it

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 10/10/2023 04:38

She shouldn't have said that. But is it the sexist clothing choices she was annoyed by. Why can't a girl have paw patrol?

Poppyblush · 10/10/2023 04:44

You ds is an ungrateful bitch.

givemeasunnyday · 10/10/2023 04:53

Poppyblush · 10/10/2023 04:44

You ds is an ungrateful bitch.

I was about to say the same. There is no excuse for what she said, no matter how stressed she might be.

I wouldn't be buying another dress - I would give your sister a clothing voucher and let her buy whatever she likes, and I wouldn't be contacting her until a heartfelt apology is forthcoming. And even then I would be looking at her with different eyes in future.

RedHelenB · 10/10/2023 05:18

Spencer0220 · 09/10/2023 20:19

It's the first time she ever said anything remotely like that.

Hell, she understood when I ugly cried when her son was born because it wasn't my baby. I had no idea I was going to react like that. She just cuddled me until I calmed down.

Show quote history

In that case she obviously said it without thinking. Personally I think you'll feel worse for having your dh send a text and prolonging the drama. If it's out of character then I'd leave it as a throwaway comment.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 05:18

Ottersmith · 10/10/2023 04:38

She shouldn't have said that. But is it the sexist clothing choices she was annoyed by. Why can't a girl have paw patrol?

She can?

DSis was happy for a dress for DD and asked for pyjamas for son. I asked what he'd like too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 05:18

Poppyblush · 10/10/2023 04:44

You ds is an ungrateful bitch.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 05:20

@RedHelenB too late. He texted her because he didn't tell me how upset he was himself. Too busy trying to calm me down

OP posts:
bigageap · 10/10/2023 06:48

The fact you have to get the ok for what clothes you gift your niece & nephews is very odd to me.
your comment of she doesn’t like surprise gifts is a red flag of a controlling ungrateful character.
what she said to you was another example of her unpleasant behaviour. I’m sorry she feels she can control the narrative in this way x

CatamaranViper · 10/10/2023 06:49

Spencer0220 · 10/10/2023 04:11

*"You would likely have laughed that off, except she felt entitled to wound you by suggesting that your fashion sense means you deserve to have suffered the greatest grief of your life. She decided her disappointment in your gift was an equivalent pain to your childlessness. It sounds as if she has lost the ability to see you as an equal and a sister, and only sees you as someone to gratify her needs."
*
@drhf that is literally the best description of what went on. It's ridiculous really.

That said, if I lose contact, I lose the children and I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that

Don't maintain a relationship with someone who you don't like and who you are convinced doesn't like you to get access to their children.