To have just killed my DS's street cred?!

[Skye109]

I'm cringing!
DS has just started year 7.
He was walking home this afternoon with a friend he's had for a couple of years, who has been round to my house multiple times over that time frame and has stayed for dinner on lots of occasions.
Whilst walking home from primary school today with my other DS in year 4 who I'd collected from school, plus his friend that he's having round to play at ours (they're playing as we speak), we bumped in to my Yr 7 DS and this friend.
"Hi DS, Hi Robert" smiled warmly at DS friend.
Met with stoney expression from the friend. No familiarity towards me whatsoever, which threw me a bit.
I follow with "DS is free to go out biking this afternoon if you'd like to? And you're welcome back to ours for dinner if you'd like?"
Prior to the past 5 weeks, in year 6, this would have been with met with absolute enthusiasm! This friend has always lit up with a smile and a big "Yes please!!" whenever I've offered before.
Not today.
Today he said "Errr...well....thing is.....I'm meeting up with Christopher and the others....." then looked away, stoney faced still.
"OK, no worries, (I smiled) would you like to come round and stay for dinner another time?"
Honestly, I can't tell you how many times he's been round to ours to hang out with DS and have dinner, in Yr 6 and Yr 5, and had a brilliant time, never wanting to go home and asking when he can come round again.
"Err, not sure.....maybe......" with no eye contact whatsover, then sprinted off as fast as possible without a smile or a goodbye.
This is the worst bit: he rolled his eyes as he walked off from me and DS.
Cue a blatant telling off from DS.
"Mum! You're SO embarrassing! People don't invite each other round for dinner anymore! Oh my GOD didn't you SEE him rolling his EYES at you when he walked off???"
"Yes I did, and I thought it was rude actually".
DS started muttering about being embarrassed.
Then we got home and he said he's getting stick from this friend (and others) about not having a mobile phone.
Have I killed his reputation??
DS is quite 'young' emotionally still, but do I need a crash course on parenting year 7 and communicating (or not, as the case may be) with his mates?
What's happened since July?!?

No, you can't invite them. You have to wait until they either ask, or they overstay their welcome, and it's implied you are feeding them anyway. Also, they do not eat with you or their friend's younger siblings. They either sit in a separate room or in your child's bedroom.

Also, you are not supposed to speak to your child, in the street, unless they speak to you first.

Good luck, it's like this until they reach about 20.

This thread did back memories for me. DS would never walk beside me always walked behind or raced ahead in front. He could not bear the thought of getting caught by his friends walking with me.

The phone thing isn't just about texting their mates, but it's also how a shyer child can make friends.
My dd is very backwards in coming forwards with friends and struggled until they started WhatsApp groups with subjects in about year 9 (WhatsApp wasn't as much a thing back then). Then fairly quickly she became the go to for asking questions about homework/what it was/how to do it etc.
She then became quietly popular because they all wanted her to help them.

But if she'd not had a phone to join the groups then she'd have never had the confidence in person to answer the questions so they'd never have got to know her.
She's just told me that one of the groups has just started up again with them all swapping details about what they're doing now they're adults, which is lovely.

Also, they do not eat with you or their friend's younger siblings. They either sit in a separate room or in your child's bedroom.

What?? When DD has friends round for dinner they absolutely sit at the table with the rest of us. They might not talk much, or just whisper to DD, but they sit at the table and eat with us and say thank you afterwards.

I'm cringing for them 🤣

This is just plain weird 😵‍💫. It's totally normal to say thanks when a door is held open for you. Even for teens.

My DS (15) has friends round a lot (we had a garden room built 2 years ago so ours seems to be the house to hang out at). If his friends are eating at ours (frozen pizza/pasta ordering deliveroo or whatever ) no they don't eat with us. That would be weird imo. They eat in the kitchen later after we've eaten or take food up to the garden room. I no longer cook for them either. They are 15/16 & quite capable of sorting themselves out. I don't drive any of them home after either. Just because my friends had to eat round the table with my family (& my mum hated me having friends round so it rarely happened anyway) doesn't mean I want the same for my DS - i used to find it v embarrassing. I'm glad he's got a nice group of friends. I know all the parents & have their numbers if needed. I think some parents are a bit too involved in their teenagers lives of I'm honest.

Why?

I’d have said “well, if not dinner, would you like to come round 1 day & we could bake some cookies or Lego maybe” 🤣

The friend sounds like a bit of a twat tbh. He doesn't sound like he's including his friend (your DS) now & is arranging other stuff. That's tough for DS & he's probably blaming you.

I do think he needs a phone tbh. They all message on there & he will miss out on arrangements without one.

I get told off for saying hello or waving at kids I've known since they were in reception class. A couple waved at me yesterday so I waved back & got told off 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry but yeah you’ve gotta get with it, for some reason I remember exactly what I was like in secondary school and the things my mum and dad did that pissed me off or embarrassed me and I don’t do those things to my kids I find it crazy how no one seems to remember being that age. I hate the thought of my kids not fitting in or having the piss taken out of them for something I could prevent. Why can’t he have a mobile phone? It’s hardly a luxury in todays world and the majority of kids in year 7 will have one

My ds would have struggled without a phone in secondary. His teachers email between lessons sometimes and they use their phones to read them. He also needs access to teams through the day too often.
plus the fact that yes your son is probably the only one without a phone and that would upset me never mind him.

as for the talking, I talk to ds and his friends (year 9) now. I think the issue may have been the things you were saying and how it was said. Your mum saying you’re allowed to go out biking is a bit naff. Saying hello and how are you is fine. Organising play dates for them is not
fine. They’re old enough to organise themselves and ds just say, mum I’m off biking with Robert and then is it ok if he stays for dinner please? It’s no longer your place really to organise these things. That is a big change but it is one you have to get to grips with.

They'll live. Somehow, despite my embarrassing ways, I'm still one of the more approachable parents so I guess it can't be that bad having to sit with us for dinner!

I’ve been embarrassing my son for ages. He is 13 now. I tell him that embarrassing him is one of my few pleasures in life (obviously lighthearted) and that if I don’t embarrass him, then I’m not doing my job right as a parent. I still get the occasional groan or “leave me alone, Mum” but he knows that I’m just messing with him and I only do it because I love him. Even at 13 he’s getting better. I actually got a voluntary hug the other night 😊

Year eight mum here, secondary school is a huge adjustment everything changes very quickly. They will get over it and settle down.
My DS now loves it when I invite his friends over randomly.
However, in year seven, he was mortified when I did it.

Oh my god this is the funniest 🤣

In case you need any more advice please remember to not have music playing in your car when picking up your secondary school child. Not loud enough for anyone to hear anyway And never ever sing to your music. That’s appalling behaviour and you will be disowned. No, you haven’t ruined your son’s street cred because all his friends agree that parents are all totally cringe. You weren’t really a surprise to the friend.
Keep it up OP, smile and be friendly to all the teenagers and one day they’ll come out of the other side and probably really like you. 😊

Except they don't text, that's for old people....😂!

Apart from my DCs (15) who are the only kids at their school with PAYG rather than a contract. Means I pay £10 once every couple of years, because they mostly use it home on Wifi - but the downside it that they have to - horror of horrors - use text instead of whatsapp to communicate with me! And they can't play online games while waiting to be picked up - but hey - I'm their Mum, that's my job....😁!

OP - you do need to give DS a phone, or he will be bullied and belittled. But you can buy a refurbed Samsung on ebay for about £70 and a PAYG SIM card - needn't be expensive. But do tell him you will be reading his messages and checking his usage for at least the first few years - and make sure you do!