To have just killed my DS's street cred?!

[Skye109]

I'm cringing!
DS has just started year 7.
He was walking home this afternoon with a friend he's had for a couple of years, who has been round to my house multiple times over that time frame and has stayed for dinner on lots of occasions.
Whilst walking home from primary school today with my other DS in year 4 who I'd collected from school, plus his friend that he's having round to play at ours (they're playing as we speak), we bumped in to my Yr 7 DS and this friend.
"Hi DS, Hi Robert" smiled warmly at DS friend.
Met with stoney expression from the friend. No familiarity towards me whatsoever, which threw me a bit.
I follow with "DS is free to go out biking this afternoon if you'd like to? And you're welcome back to ours for dinner if you'd like?"
Prior to the past 5 weeks, in year 6, this would have been with met with absolute enthusiasm! This friend has always lit up with a smile and a big "Yes please!!" whenever I've offered before.
Not today.
Today he said "Errr...well....thing is.....I'm meeting up with Christopher and the others....." then looked away, stoney faced still.
"OK, no worries, (I smiled) would you like to come round and stay for dinner another time?"
Honestly, I can't tell you how many times he's been round to ours to hang out with DS and have dinner, in Yr 6 and Yr 5, and had a brilliant time, never wanting to go home and asking when he can come round again.
"Err, not sure.....maybe......" with no eye contact whatsover, then sprinted off as fast as possible without a smile or a goodbye.
This is the worst bit: he rolled his eyes as he walked off from me and DS.
Cue a blatant telling off from DS.
"Mum! You're SO embarrassing! People don't invite each other round for dinner anymore! Oh my GOD didn't you SEE him rolling his EYES at you when he walked off???"
"Yes I did, and I thought it was rude actually".
DS started muttering about being embarrassed.
Then we got home and he said he's getting stick from this friend (and others) about not having a mobile phone.
Have I killed his reputation??
DS is quite 'young' emotionally still, but do I need a crash course on parenting year 7 and communicating (or not, as the case may be) with his mates?
What's happened since July?!?

My 10 year old and neither do his 11 year old classmates. There is simply no need at that age. The amount of unpleasantness that I’ve seen result from those with phones at 10 and 11 is astounding - why on earth expose your child to that when they aren’t even teens?

It definitely gets better. I remember meeting one of DS's friends in the local bus station - he would be in his 20s by then, had been out on the town the night before and run out of cash. He was very glad to see me, since I subbed him his bus fair, and he chatted to me throughout the whole journey. But to be fair, he was always a chatty kid even when in his teens - a pleasure to have in the house. We were lucky in that kids in our friendship group were generally adult-friendly - but you never quite know when embarrassment at innocent parental behaviour is going to set in and I do think you have to make allowances.

I was under strict instructions to never speak to or acknowledge my sons friends when they were outside even when I knew them very well. I wasn’t allowed to acknowledge any of their friends if I bumped in to them on my own either. It used to feel weird walking past them as if I didn’t know them but them was the rules.

YABVU I mean, you didn’t even do the goodbye dance when his mate left! What is wrong with you woman?! 😉😂

Hmmm that age generally don’t want their mum trying to organise their social life. If I see my 11 year old out with his mates, I just give him a nod and maybe an ‘alright?’ though of course when we’re at home I threaten to shout “mummy loves you darling!” and blow kisses at him if I ever see him in the street! He does have a mobile phone since summer hols and was one of the last to get one, there’s been no phone drama so far and I like that they make their own plans.

Maybe he is being isolated from the group a little if they were going out and hadn’t invited him. I would get him a phone especially if his “mates” are giving him stick about it. They probably all arrange to meet up through their phones, I know my daughter does and he will be missing out.

I think your sons friend was very weird - my 12 year old (youngest in his year and just gone into year 8) would absolutely not behave like that with any of his friends mums - he would happily chat just the same as his friends do when I see them (some of whom are 13 already). Sounds like your sons friend is trying to at grown up but failing!! Also I completely understand the no-phone, my 12 year old only got one when he started secondary as he has a long journey to school and he has no social media at all (too young). My 9
year old doesn’t have one and won’t until he goes to secondary aged 11 and 3/4.

Absolutely normal for teenaged boys, and girls, I suppose. Never had one of those. I swear, when my eldest was around 13-14, he went to take a shower, unzipped his jeans and I could hear his hormones fizzing from the living room! I became stupid overnight. It took a good few years, but when he reached his 20s, I noticed that I was getting smarter every day again. But the between? Everything I did or said was an embarrassment. Now, I'm 70, and they are in their 40s, the pair of them, and my main goal in life is, when they pick up the phone and someone says, "We're calling in reference to your mother," the first thing out of their mouths is, "OH GOD...What has she done now?" LOL, they know this, and find it vastly amusing, Next week, I'm going skydiving for the first time! Must remember to take out my teeth. Wouldn't do to lose those at that height!

Mine would often slip his hand into mine right up to the end of yr 6. By week 2 yr 7 he didn’t even want to walk with me. Although I did bump into him in town with 2 friends when it was mid winter and bought them all a Costa hot chocolate, minimal conversation, just bought the hot chocolate and walked away hearing them say ‘your mums really nice’ it is actually ridiculous how pleased I was.

My Y7 tutor group had a WhatsApp group for homework. I think without a mobile he is going to potentially miss out on things his form group are doing. They also loved meeting up in Costa in quite a large group! I started going into the local town to meet a friend at that age - without a phone!

Your DS will ask if he wants his friend to come over. Otherwise it sounds like you're trying to organise playdates.

I'd just make sure your open door policy of friends being able to chill after school is known and just keep being welcoming. Even though they're trying to be cool now they definitely appreciate it and know you're a safe place to go to. Also I'd get him a cheapy phone. A shit phone is better than no phone at that age.

g) teachers.

My parents used to drink at the same pub as my brother's head teacher.

We were once coincidentally at the same place on holiday and met up with the HT, wife and friends, who invited us all over for dinner.

My parent of course accepted.

I doubt my brother's friends to this day know about it.

Get used to it. I'm regarded as weird by all of year 11 because apparently one of them held a door open for me at founders day, and I said Thank You.

'God, mum, no-one says thank you! Now they all know who you are.'

It seems I am off-the-scale embarrassing.😀

Don't get your son a phone if you don't want to. Imagine all of the parents who didn't want to get their kids a phone but did because everyone else had one... just absolutely ridiculous. Robert sounds like he needs some support to not be desperate to be a cool kid and like himself for who he is and your son could do with a conversation about what friendship actually looks like. I'm shocked at how many people are accepting that behaviour as typical and to be expected and telling you to give your kid a phone or 'they'll get bullied' or 'that's just how it is'. Society is created by it's members, you get to choose what suits you bit be mindlessly told what to do. And yes I have teenage children and yes I am fun at parties.

WTF?? You didn't do anything wrong and it's rude from both your son and the friend.
Why is everyone saying you've done something wrong and excusing their behaviour?
For the record I have a 17,15 and 12 year old and none of them or their friends have reacted this way to an invitation.

I think you were quite embarrassing actually. Robert has clearly moved on and you missed the subtleties. Your son needs new friends. How do you think that's going to happen?

I disagree with not having a phone. I think they are essential to secondary friendships. Saying that both my boys are extremely confident and content, have never had any upset, if any nastiness they just left the group, unbothered.

Your son sounds like he needs new friends. The previous nastiness of phones sounds bad. He doesn't sound a confident boy. What are you doing to help him with his confidence?

If she sees someone from school my year 8 seems embarrassed to be seen with me when shopping etc

However she is happy for me to drop her off/pick her up from school and give a lift, which sometimes includes dropping a friend home too.

I think it varies depending on what mood they are in and who the other child is.

The other child was rude, he only needed to say no thanks. The other kids are unkind, but that seems to go with the age group if there are kids that are different in any way. (Not sure why they have to be unkind, and can't just accept that people are sometimes different).

A phone may be useful for a year 7 getting more independence. At least you can be sent a message etc if plans change so you are not worrying. I know schools vary but my daughter is allowed to have a phone on silent in her bag during lessons. They have an app with their timetable thar she uses to check with classroom to go to. There are also times when they are allowed to use them in the classroom with permission eg videoing a science experiment etc

Don’t think I’d invite child’s friend to do something without prior indication from child or friend.

It’s up to them to say if they want to do something together, particularly at that age.

It’ll always be embarrassing otherwise, if one or the other of them doesn’t actually want to do it.

Get your DS a phone so that he can broaden his circle of friends and make his own arrangements.

My kids in Y11 and Y9 attend the school I teach at. I am expected to be both invisible and available at anytime. Like some kind of magical being.

he didn't know why, but that Robert seems a bit different in year 7, and asked me to help him invite Robert over after school.

This sounds really peculiar, tbh. Both that he needed "help" in the first place, and that he was so mortified when you actually did as he asked 🤔

lol yes I think most parents get their kids a mobile just before starting yr 7 (or sooner I imagine for some). My DS (yr 11 now) is forever messaging me about staying late after school for football/food tech stuff or maybe a red card/detention. If I'm collecting him I couldn't manage unless he had a mobile. Lots of parents I know also track their teenagers using their mobile etc. I don't personally. They will feel v left out if they don't have WhatsApp or whatever to chat to their friends. When my DS was younger he'd chat about homework assignments or arrange to play later on the playstation etc. Or listen to a playlist whilst doing his homework etc. He'll be in a small minority OP if he's not allowed a mobile tbh. My DS was v embarrassed when I got out of my car at school & walked towards him as he got off a coach after a week away on a sch trip once. He was probably year 9. 'How was your week away darling?' 'why did you get out of the car??' he hissed back 🙄🙄 I it's not like I waved at him or called out his name or had a 'Welcome Home' banner ffs 🤣🤣🤣

Definitely get the poor kid a phone, you can't be organising play dates for him in year 7 (which is exactly what you tried to do by the way)
Perhaps he would have been off out with the other lads if he had a phone they could contact him on to make arrangements.
It's all shits and giggles at the minute being the oh so embarrassing mum but when he fails to make/keep friends because he is unable to interact socially in the same way they do it won't be quite so hilarious.

Your son's friend sounds incredibly rude but I do think your son is old enough for a mobile.

This.

A lot of friendships shift at that age. Your DS will be trying to deal with this and needs a phone (you can strictly manage and limit the use of it of course).

Your DS will seem rude to you at times as he tries to get you to back off and let him manage his own friendships - some of which will cause him stress, which he may take out on you.

I’d expect kids that age to still be polite to other adults though. His friend was extremely rude. Don’t blame your DS for this but help him to have security and confidence to deal with people who maybe may not be as much his friend as they once were.

You are just sooooooooooooooooooooooo embarrassing OP 🤣

I remember ds walked by me with his friends in the local high street once, I knew he had spotted me but it was unexpected and he was unsure what to do with all his friends there, so I played along (laughing inside) until I heard one of his friends who used to come for sleepovers etc say, that's your mum, why are you ignoring her? Hi Blanket!

He never did it again. 🤣