Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

So she’s unable to regulate her emotions, struggles in social situations, becomes hyper-fixated and is a fixed thinker? Have you considered she might be neurodiverse and isn’t getting the help she needs?

You need to fight this fire by pouring water all over it but unfortunately I don’t have any ideas on how to do this.

I think its a tough situation for both you and your neighbour. It's somehow finding that balance that is acceptable to both parties. Being outside and having a meltdown at 7am is too early and unfair to the neighbours.

I have an autistic child of the same age, he has meltdowns a lot but if that was happening outside at 7am it wouldn't be fair to the neighbours all around.

It's a fine line, because behaviour can be unpredictable so it's understandable that people may feel on edge.

Sorry though I don't really have any solutions to offer.

Tell her she's discriminating.

As your neighbour, only thing I'd want is a quiet outside until 9am but I realise I'm in a minority on mumsnet.

It's unreasonable in a semi to expect that you never hear your neighbours.

She can educate her music students, they're probably more tolerant of people with asd anyway and once they know the issue I'm sure they'll understand.

If she really can't tolerate things then I suppose she'll have to move.

If your son swore at her then he should apologise, but honestly, that's the only thing.

She sounds like a nightmare. And you might have a counter-case for harassment.

This sounds very difficult, I feel bad for you. She is being unreasonable about the dog setting off her doorbell (so long as he's not on her property), the work calls and where your bins are (again so long as they're not on her property or blocking her driveway), so if she raises those again I would be polite but firm that you feel you're not unreasonable there. With your son it's a bit more difficult...I can understand that if she has customers visiting her home, she feels that your son shouting/hitting himself/stimming close to her house could make her customers uncomfortable. Is there anyway he can be in the back garden for these meltdowns, or is there one room in the house he could be contained in where he can't smash anything? How old is your son?

what does she think she is going to do with her CCTV recordings?? 🤣

I know it's stressful (from experience) but ignoring her would be best, if you can. don't answer the door to her.

if you can't ignore her, then could you talk to the police about getting an injunction so she can't speak to you?

Oh and I would ignore the cctv threat, I'd say that's an empty threat, what action could she take with it anyway? You're not doing anything illegal. It might be illegal for her to record you on your own property though, I'd check out your rights there. But she may not go through with the recording anyway, she may just hope the threat of it will get you to change things

7am is too early to be making noise outside.

Can you work from a room that’s not directly adjacent to her to minimise the disturbance?

If she’s using CCTV to record you on your own property then I think she would be breaking the law.

Does she have change of use planning permission to allow her to have clients visiting her at her home for business purposes, i.e. music lessons?? Does she have public liability insurance in case of injuries etc whilst her clients are in her house?? PP is usually needed for any business (which private tuition is!), unless only admin etc is done at home, i.e. when there are clients visiting, PP is usually needed!

I can't imagine her complaining to the council and mentioning her business customers if she's not got the proper planning permission/approval to do it.

Sounds more like a load of hot air, so just carry on as best you can and ignore her.

It sounds like a situation that is escalating, she doesn't sound very tolerant and is being petty but also sounds like you are not engaging with her at all. Is there anything you think might help - could you try something less noisy but similar to the basketball - swingball? 7am is too early to be making a lot of noise outside.

I have a child with ASD and I don't think you can be working and taking calls while you're in full charge of an autistic 10yo who is having a meltdown. You need to change your working pattern or find childcare for the times you are working. If she is coming to talk to you about your child in distress and you tell her you are on a work call and can't talk - I can see why she doesn't think you are doing anything and allowing the situation to reach a crisis point.

This sounds incredibly tough for both of you. Do you have a safe enclosed back garden that your son could be in when he needs to be outside? Even so, 7am is very early to be making a noise outside so I can understand her frustration, especially if it keeps happening during the day and is affecting her business.
Can you knock on her door with a bottle of wine and ask her what she hopes for you to do to make things better from her perspective, then explain why you can/can’t do that. She may calm down if she feels that you are listening to her and trying your best to minimise disturbances.

Is she saying that she will be recording your son on your property?

That does not sound legal to me and verging on harrassment.

She's not allowed to have her CCTV covering your property. Is your ds on her property or something?

She must have nothing to do if she wants to record an autistic 10yo. She's not allowed to record him if he's on your private property.

I'd report her to the police for harassment.

7am IS too early. I don’t think anyone enjoys to waking up to noise, especially at weekends!

people do tend to raise their voices on work calls - my husband is a foghorn and doesn’t realise. Could it be you just haven’t realised the volume?

as for the dog thing she’s being stupid, and it’s on her if she’s running a business from home. If it’s not a suitable area for her business in her opinion, she needs to take it elsewhere

I would be so annoyed at 7am noise like that outside. That’s unreasonable. I agree that she may also be neurodiverse, so it isn’t just about you & your DC’s needs.

7am may be too early, but OP isn't saying that her son is out having a meltdown everyday at 7am. Just that she makes sure that it's not before, so it's probably not happening all that often?

and if he is a danger to his sister inside, better he is outside causing a bit of annoyance to next door

Tell her she'd better make sure her CCTV isn't recording on your property or you'll be taking legal action against her. The neighbour is absolutely batshit and is never going to be reasonable unless you challenge her behaviour.

It sounds like a difficult situation, but I don't think it is ok for your 10 year old (and growing) son to be out swearing in your front yard, whether it is aimed at himself or not, when you are inside and oblivious. I wouldn't want to live next door to that, and I think he should only be out front when you can supervise from now on.

For the rest, I'm sure you are putting up with her music teaching so I wouldn't worry about your own WFH noise. 7am is too early for basketball, and your dog needs to stay on your property.

None of this resembles tiger mother behaviour at all, it is just neighbour niggles.

7 am is too early.
I would really struggle with the noise of the basketball even though I understand your DSs need to regulate.
It sounds to me like your neighbour is overwhelmed from the noise coming from your side and everything is now irritating her.

7am basketball? So thump, thump, thump from 7am. YABU

Also I don't understand why you'd put a 10 year old in meltdown outside the front of your house. I have 2 autistic kids, one of whom is 10, and I wouldn't dream of doing that. It's bad enough that I have to endure it, why should my neighbours have to put up with it multiple times a day. But more importantly where's the dignity and privacy for the child, out in the street for all and sundry to gawk at?

don't be ridiculous. OP can't supervise her 10 year old son everytime he goes outside

Sure she can be more considerate but far out I couldn't cope with being your neighbour either

7am is unacceptable.

You do really have my sympathies OP but she is entitled to live in general peace and quiet.

Thank you for your support. I actually did do this a year ago which she received pretty sniffily and said she was glad I’d taken notice of her and she wasn’t sure we could move forward. Bit odd but ok. But within 2 weeks the complaints
had started up again ☹️

I would install cctv of your own and prove harrassment and discrimination.

BTW, surely you can hear her music lessons, too?