Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

This sounds so helpful, thank you so much, I’ll do this.

Let her install her CCTV.
If there is any unreasonable behaviour by you or yours then you will have a better understanding of where she’s coming from and can address it.
If her claims of unreasonable behaviour are unfounded she’ll have no evidence, or if she’s being ridiculously petty about normal neighbour noise, then her CCTV ‘evidence’ will also show this.
If she does infringe upon your privacy with her CCTV then her footage will also show this.
I’d let her get on with it to be honest and see it as a positive move.

he
never shouts at anyone other than me, and would never hurt anyone else, it’s more loud vetting and drumming which comes
with a high humming noise, he does also swear to himself, always on my
property. I stopped letting him in the back garden as she said over a year ago it bothered her when she was in the back so I now let him in the front instead. His dr says the fresh air acts as a circuit breaker to a
meltdown so he can’t stay inside when he’s melting down/
stimming, they use outside space at school and I have to be consistent
with that at
home too. I know that’s hard for her but I can’t keep him locked inside ☹️

Thank you that’s a positive way to look at it.

I can't imagine OP son is out there 7am having meltdowns daily she's just saying that within the official 'quiet time' he is inside anyway. Is he the back garden as sounds like is out front if students/neighbour walking past see him?

Most of neighbours complaints don't seem valid and seems has history for being difficult. She can't set up CCTV to cover your property but she may just want the sound recording from it. Not sure how far you'd get complaining about an autistic child's noise during meltdowns given its a disability. It's sounds like you've already tried to minimise the noise only thing could think of is having something he's allowed to take physically take frustration out on indoors that he knows he can go to like his basketball, tbh that would be really annoying early morning as usually the balls noisy but tolerable rest of day in short bursts.

Assume you mean dog setting off ring video when walking it as she's convinced your letting it toilet on her front yard not that its also wandering about unattended while sons out.

Hit the nail on the head here. I think you are both annoying the crap out of each other, neither is fully in the wrong or right and both could be more considerate. I'd really struggle with daily basketball (as a person who is also ND) so I can really sympathise there. Can he not go to a local park to do this instead?

No you can't keep him locked up but someone being outside swearing loudly is triggering for many people. It's scary. I think that all things considered, this would be more appropriate in the back garden - though is that what already happens? Is the basket ball out the front always calm with never any swearing?

I agree with all of this.

7am is far too early for anyone to be out playing with a basketball. The bouncing sound is very disturbing, as is shouting. Other people have unseen challenges too.

I think YOU are being very tolerant of HER behavior. You simply cannot do anymore for her, literally NOTHING is going to appease her because she is just that sort of person. Please use your back garden as it was intended, take a deep breath and adopt the bright and breezy no-nonsense approach with this bully. You have more important things to deal with.

OP she sounds like a pain in the arse take no notice of her. I can guarantee you if her issue wasn't with your son making noise or your work calls it would be something else. That type always find something to complain about. I've an eight year old with autism and while I'm blessed he doesn't have meltdowns he is sensory seeking and in his case he needs to run. For those saying your son shouldn't make noise I'm genuinely very very interested to know how OP should get her son to have a quiet meltdown. I'm sure all parents with children who frequently have meltdowns would also love this piece of information.

I'd stop engaging with her, if she comes to the house simply ask her to put her complaint in writing, each and every time, then shut the door.

That way you have a record of all the instances. Also keep a diary of every time she speaks to you.

It sounds like you are managing your ds as best as anyone could given the circumstances.

You need to keep a record of her engagement with you whilst keeping a distance. Also as a pp said, keep a record of her comings and goings - just in case

No, you are being ridiculous. If he has special needs, uncontrollable meltdowns, and is out swearing at or near people passing by, she absolutely needs to supervise him. Obviously.

very difficult for you - I am looking for a new house and one of the things I am nervous of is we're currently detached and I may need to buy a semi...and my son drums for self-regulation (not early or late, and in short bursts, but it is audible...) luckily I currently have very tolerant neighbours, unlike you.

In case it helps over the weekend I saw something online about a low-noise basketball? Hopefully the repetitive bouncing would still feel the same to your son, without the endless pat-pat-pat of a normal ball?

Also, write in your note that as per her previous complaints, you moved him from the back to the front garden to allow her quiet time and space there.

After reading your updates it doesn’t sound as bad initially. The outside meltdowns and basketball sound very annoying. However, if she complains about you working from home then surely her teaching music is an issue for you too?
if her doorbell picks up your dog - on her property? Or the pavement?
I would start making a list…

• teaching music - loud and disruptive to your work. Happening x times a day for y minutes.
• parents inconsiderate parking
• constant doorbell
• dog in public space - she should reset her doorbell and put up signage if she is recording public spaces
• CCTV- it must not cover your property, and if it does you will need to call the police - she cannot record on your property. She especially cannot record a minor
• bins etc - none of her business

next time she comes… Look, if you think we are loud, here are the things that bother us - if works both ways.

Don’t try and regulate anything anymore do what you need to do and be how you want to be. If she doesn’t like it her and her students will have to move. Theres nothing she can do and she has no power over you. No one can enforce anything on you and she’s being wholly unreasonable.
And absolutely install cctv on your own property and she harasses collect evidence for a report.

AFaik she is not allowed to make images of your son without his/your permission as this is a breach of data protection. And no way is she allowed to make audio recordings of you or your child outside your own home, I take it this is your front yard/garden she is talking about? Outrageous intrusion esp as this is a disabled child. And if your dog is setting off her doorbell camera sensor thing - tough. If it wasn't your dog it would be a cat or a fox.

I'd speak to a solicitor as it sounds like quite a serious privacy breach issue.

As this is MN, people are sympathising with the neighbour over the basketball sound. Could you buy him a softer type ball to play with or put the hoop above grass etc?

In all honesty if my neighbour threatened to install a CCTV camera to record my disabled child having a meltdown then all she would get is a video of me destroying said camera.

He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming
^^ This can be very intimidating or triggering for many women. You do not know her past. Recently I cannot cope with slamming doors despite never being physically hit, you would never know just by looking at me.

^^ People who put their dogs outside and shut the door never hear how bad the barking is, but it can send neighbours mad, even those streets away. You putting him outside affects multiple others not just her. Sound carries/bounces off buildings.

My final, hopefully helpful, point is I've noticed you've repeatedly mentioned fresh air as his circuit breaker. What is he like when put in front of a fan at different speeds/distances?

Absolutely keep a log and definitely get a camera, in case she says anything to your son while he’s outside, and also to record all the comings and goings.
Whether she’s insured or not could be very interesting too….
She sounds absolutely horrible, I think you’ve tried to appease her enough, maybe time to fight back.

What absolute rubbish! Planning permission would only be needed if the whole property was being substantially changed in order to run a business, ie becoming a business premises rather than residential. If the property is still mainly a residential home, then PP is not required. The only part of your assertion that's correct would be the need for insurance, and for her home insurer to be aware that she runs a business from home.

I'd put the basketball and anything that will help with his meltdowns in the back garden. Then nothing is visible when she walks past with her dog...
Stick to your 7-7 timetable

And stop answering the door. You really don't have to.

Really? I need to move because my son has additional needs? I’m sorry but that is preposterous.