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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

238 replies

Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 10:26

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Motnight · 09/10/2023 11:06

It's the 7 am starts that is a real problem, Op. You must realise that?

user1497207191 · 09/10/2023 11:07

Why basketball in front garden? Why not the back? I can understand her being annoyed as she presumably sleeps at the front of the house so the constant repetitive noise from the basket ball will be driving her insane.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:07

Sorry think I may have misled with the 7-7 rule- we leave
for school at 7:40 so he’s never outside before then, I just have always had the rule that he can’t be making noise between those hours and he never really
melts
down first thing. Just wanted to clarify that as agree 7am noise is not ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:10

user1497207191 · 09/10/2023 10:47

Does she have change of use planning permission to allow her to have clients visiting her at her home for business purposes, i.e. music lessons?? Does she have public liability insurance in case of injuries etc whilst her clients are in her house?? PP is usually needed for any business (which private tuition is!), unless only admin etc is done at home, i.e. when there are clients visiting, PP is usually needed!

I can't imagine her complaining to the council and mentioning her business customers if she's not got the proper planning permission/approval to do it.

Sounds more like a load of hot air, so just carry on as best you can and ignore her.

I’ve no idea, she has a lot
of students
every day. I do feel a lot of
it is hot air- I could bother to get annoyed at her music student parents parking near my drive and her doorbell going lots but I don’t because I just accept it’s semi-detached city living and frankly I don’t like going around starting arguments, it’s exhausting!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 09/10/2023 11:11

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 09/10/2023 11:06

I would install cctv of your own and prove harrassment and discrimination.

So a neighbour is noise how on earth is it discrimination?

NoWinterYear · 09/10/2023 11:13

Apart from the basketball thumping nothing that your son is doing sounds that extreme. How often does he play basket ball? The only concessions give her is to maybe be mindful of when she has the music lessons and to try to minimise playing basketball then. Do you have a back garden where he could play? Is there any material you could lay down that would dampen the sound?

I'm sorry she's giving you a hard time. I don't think you are doing anything illegal that she can actually use against you.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:13

Motnight · 09/10/2023 11:06

It's the 7 am starts that is a real problem, Op. You must realise that?

That’s the thing, it’s not. She never complains about anything early, its always later in the day and to do with everything else. Perhaps because she’s out early walking her dog it doesn’t bother her? I don’t know, but to clarify my 7-7 rule is just my house rule, In practice he’s never out before
we leave for school at 7:40 and there are lots
of families in the street with
kids shouting hi to each other so I don’t think at that point anyway we are
adding to any noise significantly. if it was just that she didn’t like getting woken at 7 it would be easier, it’s the torrent and endless
list of complaints about my
son and house in general that hurts ☹️

OP posts:
user1497207191 · 09/10/2023 11:13

Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:10

I’ve no idea, she has a lot
of students
every day. I do feel a lot of
it is hot air- I could bother to get annoyed at her music student parents parking near my drive and her doorbell going lots but I don’t because I just accept it’s semi-detached city living and frankly I don’t like going around starting arguments, it’s exhausting!

Show quote history

At least you've got something to fight back at her with if she makes a formal complaint to the council. Perhaps make your own diary of numbers of her customers, times of day, photos of problematic parking by her clients, just so you can counter claim against her if necessary. Especially if your son has been triggered by any of her clients or they worsen his behaviour.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:15

user1497207191 · 09/10/2023 11:07

Why basketball in front garden? Why not the back? I can understand her being annoyed as she presumably sleeps at the front of the house so the constant repetitive noise from the basket ball will be driving her insane.

I put it in the front because a year ago she said she wanted peace in her back garden to relax in and was annoyed by my
kids playing in the back with the slide/ bubbles
etc. it’s a very
small semi with a very small front and back garden so I thought the basketball would be kinder at the
front that the back. I keep his ball sessions to 15-20 mins max as
I’m aware the thumping could
get
annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:17

MyEyesMyThighs · 09/10/2023 10:49

It sounds like a situation that is escalating, she doesn't sound very tolerant and is being petty but also sounds like you are not engaging with her at all. Is there anything you think might help - could you try something less noisy but similar to the basketball - swingball? 7am is too early to be making a lot of noise outside.

I have a child with ASD and I don't think you can be working and taking calls while you're in full charge of an autistic 10yo who is having a meltdown. You need to change your working pattern or find childcare for the times you are working. If she is coming to talk to you about your child in distress and you tell her you are on a work call and can't talk - I can see why she doesn't think you are doing anything and allowing the situation to reach a crisis point.

Thank you, he’s in full time school and I work my hours around that so he is always supervised, but
we have been advised
by CAMHS that when he’s stimming and melting down it’s better for him to be outside in the air which calms him with no input from me.
When she came to complain he was happily in his room on a
screen with his support
group so definitely not unsupervised or making a noise at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:17

user1497207191 · 09/10/2023 11:13

At least you've got something to fight back at her with if she makes a formal complaint to the council. Perhaps make your own diary of numbers of her customers, times of day, photos of problematic parking by her clients, just so you can counter claim against her if necessary. Especially if your son has been triggered by any of her clients or they worsen his behaviour.

Edited
Show quote history

That’s a great idea, I hadn’t thought of that.
thank you 😊

OP posts:
Raineverywhere · 09/10/2023 11:22

I feel for you OP, it sounds like a very difficult situation.
I do think 7am is too early to be outside making noise in general ( even if it doesn't seem to be upsetting her). What happens at weekends?

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:24

NoWinterYear · 09/10/2023 11:13

Apart from the basketball thumping nothing that your son is doing sounds that extreme. How often does he play basket ball? The only concessions give her is to maybe be mindful of when she has the music lessons and to try to minimise playing basketball then. Do you have a back garden where he could play? Is there any material you could lay down that would dampen the sound?

I'm sorry she's giving you a hard time. I don't think you are doing anything illegal that she can actually use against you.

Thank you 🥰I’m not sure I’ll look Into material to help the noise, I hadn’t thought of that. I’d put it in the front to avoid the back where she’s previously askemdme
to keep the noise down with them playing as our gardens are tiny and separated by a small fence. So I thought the front was preferable but can see why
it
annoys her, I’m just reluctant to let it go because it helps hIm and I honestly think she’ll just move
on to the next
annoying thing we / he / I do ☹️

OP posts:
tara66 · 09/10/2023 11:24

Sorry - would not want to live next door either!

Daphnis156 · 09/10/2023 11:24

It is totally unreasonable to say she should move.
Perhaps it is you who should move.
I would not want to live near you.

Itcanhappeninanysituation · 09/10/2023 11:25

The thumping of basket ball for 15-20min daily would really annoy me. But I would probably just put headphones on and ignore it.

Our neighbour teaches music and sometimes it's annoying as it'll be 40mins. We just put our headphones on or try and ignore.

Also I'm not sure if she can film you on CCTV without permission.

AliciaJohnson · 09/10/2023 11:26

user1497207191 · 09/10/2023 10:47

Does she have change of use planning permission to allow her to have clients visiting her at her home for business purposes, i.e. music lessons?? Does she have public liability insurance in case of injuries etc whilst her clients are in her house?? PP is usually needed for any business (which private tuition is!), unless only admin etc is done at home, i.e. when there are clients visiting, PP is usually needed!

I can't imagine her complaining to the council and mentioning her business customers if she's not got the proper planning permission/approval to do it.

Sounds more like a load of hot air, so just carry on as best you can and ignore her.

This is complete bollocks!

OP, do not go down this route because you will look like a complete pillock. Unless she is no longer living in her house, and is solely operating it as a business premises, she doesn't need PP. She is well advised to have public liability and professional indemnity insurance, but is likely to have both of those because she's also likely to be a member of the MU as a freelance music teacher.

I also have an autistic child, and am well versed in meltdowns. However, I never felt that my neighbours needed to be so well versed in them, especially not at 7AM.

CasaAmarela · 09/10/2023 11:27

She sounds like a massive PITA but YABU about the basketball. Not letting him do it before 7am isn't saying much. You'd let him bounce a ball at 7.30am? It's a special kind of torture listening to that.

ErinAndTonic · 09/10/2023 11:27

Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 10:26

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

How are you working from home and looking after your son - surely he would need a childminder until you have finished if you're on calls etc?

AliciaJohnson · 09/10/2023 11:28

She does sound like a complete pita, btw, but I'd say it was six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:28

Raineverywhere · 09/10/2023 11:22

I feel for you OP, it sounds like a very difficult situation.
I do think 7am is too early to be outside making noise in general ( even if it doesn't seem to be upsetting her). What happens at weekends?

Weekends we generally
go out and about so nothing very different apart
from they are
not in school and I’m not working. If we are home
i give him 15-20 mins bursts on his basketball and he will have on average 1-2
meltdowns a day for about 15
mins At a time.
sorry to have been unclear, my
7-7 rule is more
my house rule. He’s rarely up before 7 as is on sleeping medication and we leave
for
school 7:40 so the earliest he might make
a noise outside is 7:30 but all the kids in the street are shouting to each other and saying hi at that point before we
walk to school so I really don’t think it’s just him making noise then,

OP posts:
Lordofmyflies · 09/10/2023 11:29

I think I'd do 2 things. Firstly, pop a little card through the door thanking her for informing you of her intention to install CCTV. Inform her that, as she is aware, your son has autism and how you are attempting to manage it and that you will try to keep him from playing outside between 7pm and 9am. 7am is too early. You could request that any future complaints be in writing 'as evidence for you to give to CAHMs' but importantly, evidence for you to use as an harassment case against her in the future. Plus, she wont bother you verbally!

Secondly,I'd be keeping a record of all her complaints, time, date and nature of the complaint. Also noise and traffic disturbance to you from her music students. You may find her behaviour constitutes harassment if she continues to complain and this can be evidence.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 09/10/2023 11:30

ErinAndTonic · 09/10/2023 11:27

How are you working from home and looking after your son - surely he would need a childminder until you have finished if you're on calls etc?

Show quote history

He’s 10 and in full time
school, I work around school times. This call was a one off as he was on line with his camhs support group so I could take
a call with my manager. doesn’t normally happen and he wasn’t even making any noise.

OP posts:
ErinAndTonic · 09/10/2023 11:30

LegendsBeyond · 09/10/2023 10:55

I would be so annoyed at 7am noise like that outside. That’s unreasonable. I agree that she may also be neurodiverse, so it isn’t just about you & your DC’s needs.

I'm inclined to agree with this too. And yes 7am is way too early and just unfair - people shouldn't expect to be awoken by screaming. I think a safe space within the house would be better for everyone.

literalviolence · 09/10/2023 11:31

Your son should be able to stim to his hearts content. But some shouting, screeching, hitting himself is genuinely intimidating for other people and depending on what you mean by this, I think perhaps your son should be in the back garden if he can't stop doing those things. It depends on what you mean because shouting ranges from a loud noise which he enjoys to loud aggressive threatening shouting. Clearly the latter is difficult for others to be around.