Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

He has a fan to help him asleep actually, so that is helpful, but when melting down he needs cold
fresh air and change of environment (I don’t understand the psychology behind it but it’s apparently commonly used with sensory
overload and ND meltdowns) I appreciate it might
be hard for her
to see him hitting himself or screeching or swearing at himself
but he’s a 10 year old boy not engaging at all with anyone else and on his own property (he literally
to a fault doesn’t engage with anyone he doesn’t know) so I really can’t see why this could intimidate her? I’m sorry you have this experience.

What on earth makes you think you can raise a complaint about people parking "near" your drive? Or somebody having people coming to their house? I guess if the doorbell is genuinely disturbing you then you could ask her whether she can do anything about that, but making a spurious complaint about things which don't actually either impact or annoy you appears just weird and malicious for the sake of it.

Why is she discriminating? How do you not know she would respond in exactly the same way if the child wasn’t neurodiverse?

My heart goes out to the OP. This must be terribly difficult.

However, for the neighbour it must also be very difficult to live next to a child who by your own admission shouts, swears and stims outside every day, even if it is between 7am and 7pm and is directed at themselves or at you only. And if she is in the house attached to yours then there is a good chance she hears all the noise from inside your house too.

I am not saying the neighbour is a nice person, and I don't have a solution, but I do understand that if she feels unable to enjoy her own garden, or to have friends or family, or her pupils, around, then sadly there is a limit on how long someone can be understanding and sympathetic.

I feel terribly sorry for both of you.

I think that you doing your best to deal with a hard situation. Meanwhile you have a neighbour that seems to have form of finding fault with her neighbours.
At this stage I keep a note of every interaction with her, date, time and nature of her complaint. I also note when her music customers park in your spot, you can hear her or when she complains that your dog is setting off her ring door bell.
I chat to the other neighbors and see if she is doing the same with them.

When she comes complaining I tell her could you ask car reg number to stop parking in my space? Put a note on the car as well.
If she says anything about the CCTV make a note of it but don't make a comment. If she puts up CCTV and sets it up to record your house I ring the police as by law she can't do this.

I ring the local council and say your thinking of opening a business offering music lessons at home and are you allowed to do this?, What are the rules for this? Note what they are telling you. She might not have permission for this. She might need council permission for this. I wonder as well if she is letting the tax man know about all her music students?
You could nicely say something about the council or tax man and see how she reacts. If she stops off, says anything you know who to ring about her.
Some people just want to moan and find fault with everyone or everything and she sounds like this.

I know with your son meltdowns that you have been asked by cams to let him outside and basketball helps. In the past I have seen a big ball made of sponge that you can throw but it does not bounce. Perhaps this could let your son deal with the meltdown without the bouncing noise.
I also think you can get a swingball with a soft ball - it might be a junior swingball and hitting this ball with the bat should not be loud.
I know one lady who got a big, soft teddy so her child with autism could hit when they had a meltdown. It helped them and they were not hurting themselves or someone else doing this.
Perhaps I let your son go to the back garden rather than the front of the house when he is having a meltdown as he is not in front of her or her students.

She can't expect you to live next door, not go outside or make noise to suit her.
If she continues like this I ring the council and report for having a business at her home and that her customers cars are parking in your space. That's why I keep records of all things going forward so you have proof of this.

In your position I think I'd look at moving house for an easier life. People like your neighbour don't change. There's no reasoning with them.

Your DN sounds quite intolerant and not at all understanding, OP, and I say that as a noise-sensitive, child-free, grumpy old woman.

Does she realise that some of his behaviours are because he's ND? If she does and she's still complaining about them, she's an unsympathetic twat. The only bit that would bother me at all would be the ball noise, and as long as it didn't go on for hours as I'd put up with it.

And as for hearing you on work calls, that's ridiculous. Presumably you speak at, or close to, normal volume while you're on the phone, so it's really no different to having a conversation with another person in the house. And I'd like to know what she expects you to do about it. I do a lot of my work over the phone, and I can't do it from the office as it's all open plan and not suitable for making loads of phone calls.

Tell her to get t’fuck!

I would hate to be your neighbour.
Sorry OP but ITUABU by making your problem your neighbour’s problem.

Meltdowns need to be inside and you need to protect your DD rather than allowing this to impact your neighbourhood.

Very difficult situation so I do have sympathy.

(The rest it’s just part of having neighbours so YANBU)

You said that he was outside unsupervised having a meltdown whilst you were on a work call.

she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her

I would be very concerned if a 10 year old child with what sounds like quite severe autism was left alone outside to have a meltdown. I really don't care what you've been told by CAMHs, That’s bordering on neglect. You need to be watching your child at all times when he is in crisis, for his own safety.

This. I wouldn’t want to live next door to someone chucking a basket ball about whatever time it was.

AFaik she is not allowed to make images of your son without his/your permission as this is a breach of data protection. And no way is she allowed to make audio recordings of you or your child outside your own home, I take it this is your front yard/garden she is talking about?

This is such bollocks. Of course she doesn't need permission to record how noisy something is from her own property. And half the country seem to have ring doorbells now, which are essentially CCTV and often cover at least part of the neighbour's front gardens too. So many people seem to think they have some sort of right to control what other people choose to video in public - you don't!

OP, I would honestly just ignore her. Your son needs to be outdoors when he has a meltdown. Tbh, I'd never have given in to moving him from the back to the front. He is safer if his meltdown is in a secure back garden than in the front.

You don't need anyone’s permission to tutor in your own home. You may need additional insurance or a DBS, but certainly not permission from the local council.

OP this lady seems to not realise that living in a semi means having people in close proximity!

I don't think the fact your son is ND is the reason she is like this at all and i would bet money that she would be the same if you were all as quiet as a mouse.

It would seem that since you tried to work things around for her liking at the beginning she expects you to do the same for everything she says now.

Unfortunately she reminds me of our neighbours who took great delight in commenting and complaining about absolutely everything - we made adjustments and tried to accommodate them the first couple of times but that only served to encourage them! So now after a blazing row we dont speak and its lovely :-)

What she has is an opinion on things that you as a family do....... and thats all it is, her opinion. I always think that opinions are like arseholes, we all have one but it would be rude to show it to everyone.

I think you are right to ask for empathy for your son's needs but you also have to give empathy. Can you really not imagine why some screeching, swearing is triggering? For me, it relates to childhood physical assaults. I expect is might be the same for others. Its not rational, in the sense that your son was not the one who assaulted me and I do believe you when he says he only hits himself but fear is not rational. You need to really think about this because your son will grow and if he's still doing this when he's in a man's body, that can be truly terrifying to be around.

You're both equally reasonable/unreasonable.

Could you have a safe space inside where your son could meltdown? Somewhere where he could retreat to when he's over-stimulated?

At what point will he be learning that his behaviour can be alarming and/or dangerous for others as well as himself? It might help if he had a refuge inside, not outside where he's subject to the stares and reactions of others.

I can't blame others for being wary or alarmed by him, if they don't know that he's more likely to harm himself than others.

I'm trying to imagine what it must be like to be your neighbour, having to live with the noise. I'd find it really disturbing and I can't think of many people who wouldn't. We have neighbours with a foghorn home-worker who spends hours of his day on the phone and in Teams meetings broadcasting to the neighbourhood and it drives me bonkers. Sounds to me as if the gradual accumulation of stressors has taken its toll on her.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic to your plight, which I am. Sad and dreadful situation to be in. But that doesn't mean that you can expect everyone else to out up with it. We've all had neighbours with babies and kids and gritted our teeth through the night-time crying, the teething screaming and the tantrums and door-slamming. It passes. But this sounds like a different level of noise and just because there's nothing you can do about it doesn't mean you can expect her to accept it. Could she sell her house even if she wanted to? Surely she'd be required to let a potential buyer know about the noise and the basketball at 7am, and then who'd buy it?

I would encourage her to get the cctv (there won't be anything she can use against you), move the basketball to the back garden and let your son go out there when he needs to, so she can't accuse your son of frightening off her clients, then tell her you are doing your best and you are no longer going to engage with her.

Really? I need to move because my son has additional needs? I’m sorry but that is preposterous.

Firstly as I have adopted four children, two sons with additional needs very similiar to your own son. They are now adult and I have nothing but sympathy and respect for all you are going through. However, although you state moving is preposterous, that is exactly what we did. As our sons grew I was aware that their behaviour could be very intimidating to other people and could frighten others who did not understand. Now as fully grown men a foot taller than myself it is even more so. I also felt very strongly that it was my problem to deal with, and I tried to do that in a way that did not upset/disturb others. In the opposite to what you have been advised I would always keep them inside during meltdowns. Living in a road with other properties so close made it almost impossible to not disturb others in some way. So we decided to move into a run down (much cheaper) detached property in the country with a larger garden and it was the best thing we ever did, for them anyway. Although all of us are different I wouldn't completely dismiss the idea of moving, especially as (and unfortunately) things do become more difficult, especially in adulthood when there is no school or CAMHS for support.

I wish you good luck in getting through such challenging circumstances in the best way for your can. But I also think it seems difficult for neighbours too and have every sympathy for them also.

She wouldn't need to if he was in an enclosed back garden. I think putting him in the front garden to ride out his meltdown is appalling, actually.
For him as well as everyone else in the vicinity. Where's the dignity in that?

He has a fan to help him asleep actually, so that is helpful, but when melting down he needs cold fresh air and change of environment
Try a chiller fan. They blow out cold air.

https://www.jmldirect.com/chillmax-air-pure-chill-2-0-new-improved-personal-air-cooler-and-humidifier?gad=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIy7Sr_vXogQMVU_ntCh3YLD1JEAQYBCABEgLqP_D_BwE

I appreciate it might be hard for her to see him hitting himself or screeching or swearing at himself but he’s a 10 year old boy so I really can’t see why this could intimidate her?
Womens refuges make everyone talk in a quiet voice. Doors are fitted with closers to prevent banging. They all wear rubber soled shoes to prevent noise. Men are not allowed, even nice kind ones. You really can't understand why some women find a male shouting or doing aggressive actions can be very upsetting?

Severe autism isn’t used anymore so you’re showing your ignorance. It’s just “autism”. Whether you care
what professionals
say or not is irrelevant (though odd). This incident was when was winding down outside in my secure driveway after a meltdown with me
watching him from inside at the advice of
camhs. This had happened the day before she arrived, to talk to me when I was on. A work call and he was in school. In no way
do I neglect my children, I keep them safe and cared for. Your ignorance speaks
volumes.

I can't believe some of the responses you're getting. Someone comparing your son to a dog and suggesting keeping him in with a fan on?
You have as much right to use your garden as her. You're already not using the back garden because of her!
The ideal solution to her issues would be that your son uses the back garden during her business hours and the front garden at other times.
However, it sounds like she is both very rigid and very unwilling to sympathise with your son so I don't know that she would accept that solution from you right now.
It sounds like you're already bending over backwards and not even letting your kids in their own garden.
I genuinely would consider moving to get away from her- imo the best you will get is that if you really grovel she might back off for a few months. But considering she complains about normal volume phone calls and kids bubbles floating over the fence, she will find something else.

He’s a 10 year old boy with autism, not
a grown man and my neighbour is not in a refuge
(where, by the way, the children of abused mothers are allowed
to stay including neurodivergent children who will meltdown).

Of course it's not illegal to record people outside their homes. What a bonkers statement how do you think anybody installs any kind of ring doorbell if that's the case? Almost all point across the street towards neighbouring houses. What about things recorded in the street that show houses and gardens or photos taken outside? Utter quackery on here. Please use Google, or common sense even.