Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

@babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo well done on reading zero further posts tat explains OP actual clarification on the 7-7 rule.

@Tangofantastic massive squishes. I’d have your little one back in the back garden if it’s nicer for him and away from the main road and people. Youll never please her. You keep your little family unit sorted. x

She’s bullying you. That’s her character. Whatever you do or don’t do to appease her it will not stop her coming round to your door to complain. She wakes up in the morning and thinks up things to complain about.
if she did not want to hear family noise she could have bought a bungalow on a nice quiet cul de sac, but she didn’t.
Your son has a couple of 15 minute meltdowns a day and a couple of 15-20 minute sessions basketball. Your children no longer play in their back garden because she likes it quiet. Tough beans lady! If you don’t want to hear family noise don’t live in a family neighbourhood.
She is harassing you though, so maybe start keeping a diary. A cease and desist letter might pull her up .

Many people basically think disabled people aught to just disappear as if by magic so that they never have to encounter one.

All of this.

Is the neighbour also triggered by work phone calls, children playing, or dogs walking past her door?
Seems unlikely doesn't it?

If she was genuinely worried about her clients being put off by the meltdowns why would she ask the OP to put the child in the front garden rather than the back?

More likely she's just an awkward person who gets a kick out of annoying the neighbours.

It's nothing to do with understanding or empathy for women who've been abused, women who have been abused are not relevant to this problem!

I think you should start using the back garden again for the meltdowns.
I'd also ignore anything else she says because there's nothing you can do about it - eg. the work call, the dog walking past the ring doorbell.

Which musical instrument is she teaching? How many people are coming each week? Is it causing parking problems?

Because frankly if she came to me saying that the dog set off her ring doorbell or she could hear a work call or her students were afraid of son having a meltdown I'd be saying well, we all have to make compromises when we live in semi-detached houses - you have a lot of people coming and going and making noise. So that she knows that you would also have grounds for complaint.

Tell her to fuck off. Nosey interfering bat.
Some of these people, as soon as they think youre 'reasonable' theyll have a go. Don't be reasonable, shes unreasonable. Tell her to install cctv, it might catch her being a complete and utter bellend

"Many people basically think disabled people aught to just disappear as if by magic so that they never have to encounter one."
Or that they ought to still be locked up in institutions.

Jesus wept the poor woman must be at the end of her tether.If your son is so out of control that he's a risk to his sister,what on earth are you doing leaving him unsupervised/unsupported in public in violent rages . I sympathise with your situation but it seems you're abdicating responsibility during the day,what happens as he grows and is too big to manage? If he's a risk to his sister,what happens if he hurls things as a teenager at others.
It seems to me that you should be caring full time and not ignoring whilst working or getting childcare.
Yes she's intolerant to a degree, but the constant unrelenting pressure she's enduring chips away at rational responses over time.

Has she council permission to run a business from home?

Agree with this. She know's you're an easy target as a single mum with a disabled child. I doubt she's be like this if there was a scary looking man living with you. I would do what you can to mitigate noise within reason (as you already have) but be quite clear that it's on your terms, don't stop using your gardens or stop your son playing with his ball.

I think it's got to the point where you need to tell her to stop speaking to you as it is harrassment and you will report her. Stop being so nice.

Maybe you can get get advice on the CCTV as to what is legal, if it's outside there may not be a lot you can do,

Ask her about the qualifications she must have in managing your ds...

The "poor woman" must have a very short tether as she was also driven into an abusive rage by a few inocuous trees!

The OP clearly states that the child is at school in the day while she works. You seem to have a reading comprehension problem.

All your complaints are not for things that unreasonable for me to do in my own home or passing your house. We have tried to be understanding up until this point and do make every effort to be respectful of the neighbours however your note through the door is the last straw and has broken down the goodwill we have tried to maintain despite your demands.

I intend to start a diary of all your unreasonable requests trying to control the behaviour of my family whilst living day to day in a normal way as it is now becoming intolerable and is starting to become persistent harassment.

I would like to remind you that for a complaint about anti-social behavior to be upheld thats the behaviour has to 'unreasonably and substantially interfere with the use or enjoyment of a home or other premises' or 'injure health or be likely to injure health'. We are no where near close to meeting this threshold. It is not unreasonable for my family to use our home and garden in whatever why we like. We are not making noise in a way which consistuents being outside the bounds of normal every day activities and we restrict certain activities in the evening and early in the morning to try and appease the situation.

We beleive this harassment is being deliberated targeted at us due to my son's disability. He has issues which are at times difficult to manage, but we do our best and this is not something that we are able to change because a neighbour is making unrealistic and unreasonable demands.

I would remind you that if you are using CCTV to monitor me and my family's behaviour on our own property this is an invasion of our privacy and is unlawful. All CCTV footage must be restricted to your own property. If it is brought to our attention that this is not respected, we will have no other option but to act accordingly.

We do not wish for this to escaluate further but if necessary we will look to the council for mediation, or seek legal advice regarding an harassment order.

This sounds like a very difficult situation all round.
I would say if your son poses a risk to your daughter during the meltdowns like you have mentioned, then you do need to look a alternative solutions to manage the situation. You can’t just leave him outside in the front garden. You sound like a wonderful mum but perhaps you have become immune at some of the natural reactions that your son’s behaviour can cause.

I think I’m slightly more on the side of the neighbour, but can understand your situation. I know it’s the advice you have been given, but to the neighbour it will feel like you can’t cope with the meltdown and the damage you say your child causes inside, so you move the ‘problem behaviour’ outside and inflict him on the neighbours instead. Just because other neighbours don’t say anything, doesn’t mean people don’t think it.
To compare (but not likening your son to it, just the noise of it IYSWIM). My neighbours dogs get yappy in the house which annoys my neighbour because they start peeing in their excitement. My neighbours solution is to send them outside where the yapping is so much louder for everyone else, but quieter for her. One of the neighbours has vocalised they don’t like it, the rest of us smile politely but secretly don’t like her much as a result.
I can understand it’s difficult for you and you are carrying out the instructions you have been told, but the neighbours are paying the price for it. Hearing other kids chattering is not the same as hearing a meltdown.

Tell her it's great she's recording her discrimination because you'll also be using the footage when you counter claim for harassment and discriminating behaviour.

Shes a meddling old goat!!
Where would you suggest OP lets her son blow off steam? Its her house and garden. This neighbour is unreasonable, she knows OP is reasonable because of the other neighbour situation, therefore thinks she can control her neighbours. Also, why now? Tell you why... because OP wasnt one of her flying monkeys.

Is your dog entering or cutting through her property? I agree with others who say that although you understand his is a child it may be terrifying for other people who do not know particularly as he gets bigger and stronger. I it would be more appropriate to use the back gardens. She cannot tell you that you cannot use it.

With regards to the basketball I can see her point to an extent. It is pure torture after a while. Could you look at getting something like foam matting etc and put on the surface where he plays basketball to quieten down the sound a bit.

We clarified this when we installed a ring camera. If a neighbours CCTV records onto your property the position is regulated under GDPR and the Data Protection Act. Simply put, it’s illegal to film you on your own private property in areas where you would have an expectation of privacy. So if someone films you in your front garden you probably don’t have a case, but in the back garden you most definitely have an expectation of privacy so it would be illegal. You also have the right to ask them to stop filming at any point and if they don’t comply, you may also have a case for a harassment or nuisance claim depending on the extent of the filming and the circumstances. I think I also remember being told it’s illegal for someone to film a child on their own private property without the consent of the parent.

Apologies - I read it as you were on the call when he was outside having a meltdown, which is why I was so concerned. I realise now that you were on the call when she came round to complain.
CAMHs sometimes give shit advice though. I know that from experience. Putting a child in a public space in which they are at their most vulnerable is definitely shit advice.
Interestingly, I received a draft EHCP last week for a Year 1 child. The EP report states that he has ‘severe autism’. Whilst I appreciate what you say, for some people whose autism impacts their lives so severely that they require special school or residential care, that IS severe.
https://www.sarahdooleycenter.org/news/the-difference-between-moderate-to-severe-autism/
https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-severe-autism-260044#:~:text=Severe%20autism%2C%20known%20as%20level,1

That was my first reaction too. I have a ND family, and struggle daily with autism and ADHD. I bought a detached fixer-upper for the same price as a semi to have space from neighbours. I've had a horrible time in a terrace from other neighbours behaviour and would never inflict anything like that on others.

I wonder if OP can sort out a safe room inside the house for her 10-year-old and try out some new strategies. I know a few mums who have gym mats on the floor and mats on the walls with various sensory things. What is triggering the meltdowns? Are the neighbours music lessons winding him up? It isn't sustainable to leave a 10-year-old boy raging outside.

I'd love to know where people live if they think any outside noise is unreasonable before 7am! I start work before that some mornings, other people are going to work. Any comments on the other noisy kids down OP's street in the mornings? OP was not saying her DS is outside for 12 hours playing basketball and having meltdowns for goodness sake 🙄 She's already stopped her kids from using the back garden because her neighbour didn't like that either!

Yep, except then they would just moan about hard working taxpayers money being spent to keep us.

I am so sorry you and your son are experiencing this!

I would get your own camera and audio system and record yourself. Then it will capture every time she comes to your home to speak such nonsense.

I wonder if this would fall under harassment/ harassment anti social behavior. I also wonder if you could get a Personal Protection Order. Especially with a minor being involved! I would definitely document any evidence you can going forward!