Difficult neighbour or am I being a tiger mum?

[Tangofantastic]

Genuinely can’t see the wood for the trees here so hoping for your thoughts.
Lived in same semi detached house for nearly 10 years, at first neighbour who I’m attached to was friendly but fairly quickly I realised we are quite different so kept polite distance (one of many examples was when she asked for my help to talk to a bordering neighbour garden about their new trees overlooking her house and she wanted support to do this so I agreed, but when we got there it was a very different conversation to what I thought we were going to have, she was verbally aggressive and rude to this poor lady and I stood there mortified, and later went round with flowers to apologise and say had I known that’s what she was going to do / say I wouldn’t have come with he).
fast forward 7 years and I’m now on my own here with 2 kids, one of whom has autism and sensory needs. He offloads by playing basketball in the front which I make sure is only for 20-30 mins at a time and never past 7pm or before 7am. He does meltdown in and outside house about 1-2 times a day with screeching / shouting / hitting himself/ stimming which most of my neighbours know about and kindly “ignore” as he becomes more distressed with input from people talking at him when melting down. He does need to be outside at these points as inside he is a risk to his little sister and smashes things so I was advised to let him be outside for these meltdowns which last around 15 mins.

over the last year it’s become nearly impossible with my Neighbour, every day there’s a new problem she arrives at my door to talk about: my son making noise, her music students not liking walking past our house if my son is outside (she works from home teaching music) our dog walking past her driveway and setting off the ring door bell, my working from home and she can hear my calls through kitchen wall (this feels unlikely but even if true I can’t not work from home), my bins not being in the right place, and then finally my straw broke so to speak when she arrived at my door when I was mid-work call to say my son had sworn outside (to himself, not at her) when she was walking past with a friend and she wants me to stop the anti social behaviour. I was pretty short with her, explaining I was working and that my son is 10, has autism and does meltdown and I manage that as best I can, he’s in the house 7pm - 7am at least so he can’t bother the neighbours but she just kept going until I had to shut the door on her. I’ve woken up to a note saying she’s installing cctv and will be recording the disturbance from my son and general noise. I feel really upset by it as I try my best, I know my son is challenging but he’s not challenging her, it’s all on my property (Albeit attached to her) but I just hoped for some understanding that it’s not easy and I do the best I can.
what do I do now? I’ve tried being nice, made all the accommodations I think I can, and now I feel relations have completely deteriorated and I simply don’t know what else I can do. I don’t like the idea of cctv recording but it’s her property so 🤷‍♀️

i feel like she’s making me out to be a shameless Style family with a single mum and unruly kids but I try my best. What, if anything, should i do? Thank you 🙏

A woman I once knew had a daughter with Down's Syndrome who also swore like a trooper and liked a drink or two when the family ate out. It was actually quite funny to see how people reacted to it, but her mother was always determined that she live the same life as everyone else.

"don’t seem to realise than one child with SEN is not the same as another." The same advice can be applied to adults; you seem determined to dismiss the neighbour as nosey or vindictive, while knowing very little about her.

Firstly, any CCTV should not cover your property, especially so close and with the expressed intention to record you.

Secondly, it is unreasonable for your neighbour to expect you not to use your back garden.

She also can't have it all ways. It seems you are a nuisance to her everywhere: back, front and inside your own home. I think she is one of those people who there is no pleasing, and every inch you give to her will never be enough to placate her.

I think you need to start using your back garden again. Ideally you need to add a tall, solid fence. This will give your son privacy, dignity and security during his meltdowns, dull the sound and sight for her as she obviously finds a child with a disability so objectionable, and also provide privacy and separation from your neighbour for the whole family, including your dog. Get the tallest fence permitted so that it remains suitable as your son grows. Usually the maximum height allowed for back fences is 2m, but check with your local council. I would be doing the same at the front if possible too, but it's particularly important to check heights allowed here as it can be as little as 1m if next to a road. Your other option is dense, fast-growing shrubbery.

It sounds to me like you are doing your best and doing a good job, OP, other than I think your son should be able to have his meltdowns in the privacy of his back garden, rather than in the view of passers-by.

Yes, we should all be considerate to our neighbours, but start to live your life in your home too. Hold your head up high against this person. It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of.

It's ridiculous to suggest that the only abused people who would be triggered by a person shouting, swearing and hitting themselves are those in refuges. I am not sure whether some people have any clue about the level of trauma in the general community. More empathy for all people would make for more harmony I think.

She sounds like one of those PITA neighbours who likes to complain about everything. Isn't happy unless moaning.

You're not doing anything wrong OP. If the neighbour in question can't stand having neighbours maybe she needs to move, not you.

So, again, the disabled child should just what? Stop being disabled? Because their disability might be ‘triggering’ to people?

Literally nobody has suggested anything of the sort 🙄

Of course not and I've not said anything to suggest that, but there needs to be some mutual respect. Shouting, swearing out the front of the house is intimidating for people. The child should be able to use the front if calm, but if he's having a meltdown the back garden is more appropriate if inside is not possible. I said at the start that he should be able to stim to his heart's content so it is not about not accommodating him, it is about accommodating everyone who needs accommodating.

But the neighbour won’t have him using the back because she wants it to be quiet.

The boy is 10, not a man or anything approaching that and he isn’t shouting or swearing at passing people. He shouldn’t have to stay in his house because other people find his behaviour (which is caused by a disability not an attitude problem) unpalatable.

He could have a melt down on the bus, walking to school, in the supermarket, in the playground or anywhere at any point, that is the nature of the disability- saying he has to accommodate people who don’t want to see that by not being outside when it happens IS very much suggesting he not leave the house.

Sounds like the back garden would be better all round for your son to deescalate - for his own privacy and also because it CAN be intimidating to people.

Everything else, she will just have to suck it up like we all do when outside noises are grating on us.

I sympathise but reading that post made me thank the stars you’re not my neighbor. That’s a lot of noise to be living next to.

Could you put down some of those foam mats where he bounces the basketball?
Hopefully it would still bounce but might reduce the noise from the ball.

Well OP...I wouldn't mind if you were my neighbor. You need kindness and so does your DC. Living with autism can be frustrating and so can being a parent of children on autistic spectrum..and adding to the frustration when you're absolutely at your wits end, is a meddling unsympathetic neighbour.

This made me teary it’s so kind. Thank you. I hate that he’s been blamed and judged by her when I do feel I’m doing my
best, albeit it’s not ideal ☹️

Keep doing your best for your son @Tangofantastic. You can come and replace my neighbour if you like- he has a motorbike workshop in the backyard… and we are in terraces!

You’ve received some really good advice previously. I’m just going to point out that she might just be a bully trying to make you feel just as uncomfortable.

While she is perfectly entitled to want to enjoy her home free of excess noise, it sounds like you are cognisant to her complaints and have addressed them as far as possible. From what you’ve said, it must be obvious to her that there’s not much more you can do. At this point, if she really felt she had a leg to stand on, she wouldn’t be sending you vaguely threatening messages, she’d just complain to the relevant authorities.

You can only do your best. You look after your son and yourself. Youve addressed it before with neighbour .. and accommodated...but she hasn't. No matter what anyone says, you do you...and F**k em.
I have a grandson with autism and have him days/week at a time to give mum a break and grandson.i get it. Xxxx

Really it isn't. The OP does not have to bend to the neighbour's demands re back garden and there is a difference between a child being encouraged outside, alone when having a meltdown to one starting when he is out with an adult. I didn't say anything like he should not leave the house so stop trying to twist things to make out I did. Are you saying you don't think traumatised people also deserve some accommodating because I think that's a bit shit.

@DsTTy

So she’s unable to regulate her emotions, struggles in social situations, becomes hyper-fixated and is a fixed thinker?

This is what I am like! What is this?

Sounds to me that you are doing brilliantly. I would rather live next door to you than your neighbour or several of the mean spirited posters on here. You sound to be a very considerate and kind person.

Someone may have already commented, but the Daily Mirror have put this post online, sorry not sure how to post a link, the journalist is Danielle Kate Wroe, article is titled " My neighbour told my son off for swearing in the garden, it's the last straw."

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/my-neighbour-told-son-swearing-31144794

I'm not doing any of what you're accusing me of but I can see that you're not really interested in proper discussion so let's leave it there.

Omg can they do this??? i didn’t mean for it to hit the papers! I was just wondering genuinely if I was being unreasonable and over protective of my son ☹️What should
i do? Contact the paper to give more
context? I bet my neighbour reads it and loses the plot all over again thinking I’ve gone to
the press
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️