To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

Sunflowerpoppies · 2023-10-09T07:41:44+00:00

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out. I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

BruceAndNosh · 09/10/2023 08:44

Take the car keys off him so he can't drive home😄

Pottedpalm · 09/10/2023 08:46

Eh! You are the boss! You decide.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:48

So how do I enjoy a chat with the other mums while ds keeps running off @Pottedpalm ? in theory yes I can decide we aren’t leaving for another ten minutes but if all I’m doing in that time is running after a toddler it isn’t the nice relaxing tea and biscuits session I could do with!

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Angryappendix · 09/10/2023 08:48

How old is he? Sounds like a typical toddler really. Maybe after the whole time at the group, he’s had enough.

I wouldn’t force him to say thank you and good bye either depending on his age.

Sometimes our 3 year old is full of thank you and goodbyes and sometimes people get nothing and that’s ok too.
He sometimes says thank you on the bus and in shops to people that don’t even acknowledge his existence.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/10/2023 08:50

Neither of mine sat in groups- they always door bolted- gave up trying and found a toddler gymnastics / went to soft plays. The small talk chat was during the snack break.

Homesweethome23 · 09/10/2023 08:50

If the session has ended what do you expect him to do for 10 minutes why you chat? When mine was young and we went to groups the ones running it were either packing away toys etc or getting ready for the next session so didn’t need parents hanging around chatting with toddlers still running around. Do you not chat throughout the session?

Maybe he has had enough by the end and knows mum wants to chat which is why he darts to the car😁

StopStartStop · 09/10/2023 08:50

Mine did this. Fifteen minutes was enough for her - of anything. We were always leaving early.

She's 41 now, and on (very helpful) meds for adhd.

Angryappendix · 09/10/2023 08:51

Is there an option to give him a snack after the session? Like some rice cakes.

Seeline · 09/10/2023 08:52

Put him on reins or in the buggy.
Tell him you're not going until Mummy is ready and he needs to wait nicely. Then bring him back every time.
He needs to learn not to run off in any situation.

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2023 08:53

Put reins on him or fasten him into the pushchair, ignoring any protests. It's what I would do, and did when necessary.

You are the parent, you are the boss. Not your toddler. Make sure he cannot dictate.

WhateverAgains · 09/10/2023 08:54

Put him on your knee, keep hold of his hand, put him in a buggy, put reins on him.....multiple options.

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 08:54

He's a toddler. You are his parent. Parent him. He doesn't get to decide when you leave.

Softnatural · 09/10/2023 08:56

Does he get a biscuit too? That would have been enough to get mine to decide staying was better than leaving.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:58

It’s a stay and play - the idea is the children play freely while the adults chat. I could force him but it’s pointless and doesn’t look great effectively tying him down! I do want to carry on encouraging saying thank you, though, that is one of the few non negotiables I have.

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Singleandproud · 09/10/2023 08:58

Suggest a trip to the park to the other mums after the group.

If it's Stay and Play surely you've had the rest of the session to chat? Calling him back to say thank you is fine, but I wouldnt be getting frustrated over him understanding that the end of session routines means, well, it's the end of the session. It sounds like you are more frustrated at yourself at not being in two places at once (baby/toddler) and that OK. Build the goodbyes into the routine, put toddler into pushchair first and then sort baby and say thank you as you leave. Or if you can't have the pushchair in their have baby in a sling during the tidy up section, ready to round up the toddler and say good bye so he doesn't run off.

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 08:59

He's clearly smart enough to remember the routine, can you incorporate a favourite snack/treat/toy that only comes out after the goodbye song?

hylian · 09/10/2023 08:59

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:48

So how do I enjoy a chat with the other mums while ds keeps running off @Pottedpalm ? in theory yes I can decide we aren’t leaving for another ten minutes but if all I’m doing in that time is running after a toddler it isn’t the nice relaxing tea and biscuits session I could do with!

Well he currently can't cope with it so you need to drop the idea of it being about you having nice relaxing tea and biscuits, for now. That's a long term goal.

In the short term this is about him. You need to put the work into him and helping him learn to behave.

So for a few sessions that will mean going after him and bringing him back every time, and spending time and energy explaining that we don't run off, we will leave when mummy is ready, etc. You'll spend your 10 minutes doing this instead of having tea and biscuits, but once he's learned, you'll be fine.

That's parenting for you - it's not really about you.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:00

He doesn’t have a pushchair but thanks. I’m more having a bit of a moan - feels like a very long day sometimes and groups break it up, so even though it’s only fifteen minutes that’s a long time with little ones!

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Homesweethome23 · 09/10/2023 09:01

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:58

It’s a stay and play - the idea is the children play freely while the adults chat. I could force him but it’s pointless and doesn’t look great effectively tying him down! I do want to carry on encouraging saying thank you, though, that is one of the few non negotiables I have.

If you can stay and play after where has he got the idea that after the ‘ending song’ you leave?

peachgreen · 09/10/2023 09:02

Teaching him that he doesn’t get his own way all the time and that the world doesn’t run to his schedule is definitely not pointless! It’ll be painful for a week or two but you’ll get there.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:02

@hylian thanks, I do bring him back once to get my things (and the baby!) and to say thank you. However, to keep doing that over and over is not practical with people going in and out, bad feeling from other parents, etc. I do wonder sometimes if he just doesn’t enjoy it that much but when I ask if he wants to go he says yes so hard to say.

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Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:04

The stay and play is quite recent but he does it at a few different groups now. The second the goodbye song comes on he’s at the door. Of course he isn’t doing it to upset me but just the same I do find it a bit frustrating as even if there isn’t a stay and play it’s hard getting everything in a rush, and sometimes he’s tried to run off and he hasn’t even got his shoes on!

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hylian · 09/10/2023 09:04

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:02

@hylian thanks, I do bring him back once to get my things (and the baby!) and to say thank you. However, to keep doing that over and over is not practical with people going in and out, bad feeling from other parents, etc. I do wonder sometimes if he just doesn’t enjoy it that much but when I ask if he wants to go he says yes so hard to say.

Is he actually running out the doors and is that even safe?

Honestly, if it's important to you then you just teach him to stay away from the doors and that he doesn't touch the doors until mummy says it's time to leave. Put in the time and enforce consequences, surely. He's 3.

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2023 09:04

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:58

It’s a stay and play - the idea is the children play freely while the adults chat. I could force him but it’s pointless and doesn’t look great effectively tying him down! I do want to carry on encouraging saying thank you, though, that is one of the few non negotiables I have.

Of course you can force him. If he needs reins or the buggy at the end of the session to ensure he doesn't run off then that is what he gets. Absolutely no need at all to be embarrassed about it. You are keeping him safe until he can learn not to behave like this.

Letting him run off when you could do something about it looks far worse in my opinion. It's being wishy-washy and letting him dictate. Just don't do that.

I would reintroduce the pushchair, personally.

Original poster

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:06

Yes, he’s ran out of the doors a few times now. I’ve always got him and brought him back but it is stressful. He doesn’t use a pushchair and I don’t think it would be very helpful to put reins on him at the end of each session and force him to stay. I do understand why people are suggesting it if it’s something I want to ‘win’ but it isn’t something I want to force. I just wish he was happy to play for a few minutes and didn’t have it in his head to leave!

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