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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

256 replies

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:41

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out.

I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 09/10/2023 09:54

It’s a stay and play - the idea is the children play freely while the adults chat.

So if the point is you chat throughout why do you need him to stay 10 minutes past the ending song?

The comments stating to strap a toddler into a buggy while you ignore them and chat to other adults are ridiculous. Very few toddlers are going to be happy with that.

1month · 09/10/2023 09:54

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:34

Honestly it’s ok - I think probably best just to give groups a miss for now! I didn’t mesn to get everyone posting about buggies and reins, and sitting on knees. If he isn’t enjoying it then it’s daft to go.

Yes if he’s not enjoying it then it is a big silly to keep going.

Give it a miss for a few weeks/months and then perhaps try it again to see if he enjoys it more.

nancypowers1983 · 09/10/2023 09:54

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:46

@tootsweetss maybe I can try that some time, thank you.

It isn’t really for an easier life, I do have no problem with rules but if enforcing those rules ruins things for everyone else, that’s not really fair to me.

You are focussing on the wrong things honey. Other people are not your responsibility- your child is. His safety has to come above everything else.
So whether others look, hear etc is not relevant.
Are you struggling with having the two children? I know when mine were 1 and 3 I found it incredibly difficult mentally. Is it more about that? Because there is a very clear and simple solution that you are hellbent on not trying for reasons which remain unclear. If you are as unclear with your son as you are being with us then I can understand why he's finding boundaries confusing.
You don't seem to want to parent your child? You seem to want other mums to think your child never gets told no and never has tantrums. That isn't really in his or your best interest for so many reasons.

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 09:55

1month · 09/10/2023 09:54

Yes if he’s not enjoying it then it is a big silly to keep going.

Give it a miss for a few weeks/months and then perhaps try it again to see if he enjoys it more.

Show quote history

He is enjoying it though.

He just bolts to the door at the end and OP doesn't want to deal with that behaviour because she's scared of her child having a tantrum in front of other parents.

It's part of parenting. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

YourNameGoesHere · 09/10/2023 09:56

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:47

It’s not intended to be dramatic, that’s what I’d be doing, to me, it would be tying him into a buggy (that we don’t have!) to prevent him leaving. He’d then have a massive tantrum and that would mean the other parents there wouldn’t be able to have a chat! So not really fair to anyone!

It is very dramatic though to think using a buggy is tying him down. Honestly it's such a normal thing to use as a parent and if he whinges about it then tough, sometimes children whinge. You have 2 children at some point one of them will be left to cry or tantrum whilst you're busy with their sibling.

Although I'm amazed you ever get out the door at all if you're reluctant to tie your child down with straps, how do you wrangle 2 kids and get to places on time without a pushchair or restraining them in a car seat?

ZebraD · 09/10/2023 09:57

Why don’t you have a little snack/drink ready for him and tell him he can have that before you are setting off.
you definitely need to a boundary if he is running off.

nancypowers1983 · 09/10/2023 09:59

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:47

It’s not intended to be dramatic, that’s what I’d be doing, to me, it would be tying him into a buggy (that we don’t have!) to prevent him leaving. He’d then have a massive tantrum and that would mean the other parents there wouldn’t be able to have a chat! So not really fair to anyone!

Why do you think of it as tying them into a buggy? What do you do when you travel by car with him? Do you just not strap yourself and your babies into seatbelts? Cos it's basically the same thing. It's a safety device to prevent them from injuring themselves- that's the reason why there's straps on a buggy. It isn't to be cruel, it's to be safe.
I wonder what's happened for you to view this as something so negative. It is a little odd.

Seaweed42 · 09/10/2023 10:00

As soon as the end approaches, hand him your phone to watch an episode of something or other?
Or bring the ipad with you or some other little toy.

PhantomUnicorn · 09/10/2023 10:01

Sometimes you have to weather the odd tantrum to make your boundaries clear.

toddlers tantrum because they want to do what they want to do, but you have to make it clear that YOU decide when it's time to go, not him, and if that means you have to handle a tantrum a couple of weeks on the trot, so be it.

Don't cop out just because other parents might have to deal with you dealing with your childs tantrum, trust me, we've all been there and had to do it too.

parent your child.

Polopolly · 09/10/2023 10:02

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PhantomUnicorn · 09/10/2023 10:04

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Really? That's a bit rude, no need to start calling the OP names is there?

ASCCM · 09/10/2023 10:04

Why is your toddler in charge of you????

1month · 09/10/2023 10:05

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 09:55

He is enjoying it though.

He just bolts to the door at the end and OP doesn't want to deal with that behaviour because she's scared of her child having a tantrum in front of other parents.

It's part of parenting. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

Show quote history

OP has said he doesn’t enjoy it.

And if she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and put him on her lap or have reins/buggy, then he’s going to keep bolting and one day get hit by a car.

So it’s probably best to stop going for a while.

Polopolly · 09/10/2023 10:06

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previouslly banned poster.

Cosyblankets · 09/10/2023 10:08

1month · 09/10/2023 10:05

OP has said he doesn’t enjoy it.

And if she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and put him on her lap or have reins/buggy, then he’s going to keep bolting and one day get hit by a car.

So it’s probably best to stop going for a while.

Show quote history

It looks to me like he enjoys the group but then it's a case of right I've done that let's go!
If he didn't enjoy it you would get different behaviour at the start or on the way.

Dramatic · 09/10/2023 10:11

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:00

He doesn’t have a pushchair but thanks. I’m more having a bit of a moan - feels like a very long day sometimes and groups break it up, so even though it’s only fifteen minutes that’s a long time with little ones!

I understand op, two of mine were runners at that age and it is absolutely exhausting and very stressful.

I remember going on a caravan holiday when my youngest was just turned two, her auntie and cousin were with us and her cousin is the exact same age. We would go to the entertainment on a night and mine would run for the door every time her feet hit the floor which meant I spent the entire two hours chasing after her and attempting to keep her contained. Her cousin would happily wander around our table and her mum sat chatting for the two hours and I just remember feeling so jealous about it.

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 10:15

1month · 09/10/2023 10:05

OP has said he doesn’t enjoy it.

And if she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and put him on her lap or have reins/buggy, then he’s going to keep bolting and one day get hit by a car.

So it’s probably best to stop going for a while.

Show quote history

Well no, what she said was:

I do wonder sometimes if he just doesn’t enjoy it that much but when I ask if he wants to go he says yes so hard to say.

So it's hard to say, but he is saying that he wants to go.

I think OP is just being a bit passive to be honest and doesn't want to address an issue because she doesn't want to upset her child. Understandable but sometimes kids need boundaries, especially when it comes to safety.

Spinet · 09/10/2023 10:17

Do you have a car OP? I'm just wondering how you manage with a toddler and a baby without a buggy! I fought against getting a double buggy when mine were little but ended up getting one mostly for managing where 2 kids were at any one time rather than because they didn't want to walk. I was finding I was damaging myself trying to wrangle both kids at once.

The only reason I'm saying this is because I wished I'd given myself a break a bit earlier. I can't remember why I didn't get one earlier but I'm sure it was worry about being judged.

Landmary · 09/10/2023 10:17

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

1month · 09/10/2023 10:21

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 10:15

Well no, what she said was:

I do wonder sometimes if he just doesn’t enjoy it that much but when I ask if he wants to go he says yes so hard to say.

So it's hard to say, but he is saying that he wants to go.

I think OP is just being a bit passive to be honest and doesn't want to address an issue because she doesn't want to upset her child. Understandable but sometimes kids need boundaries, especially when it comes to safety.

Show quote history

Yes I think you are right.

89redballoons · 09/10/2023 10:23

Some of this thread is a bit bonkers. OP probably uses a pram for the baby, and gets the toddler to walk/scoot alongside them. That's what I did as soon as my DC2 was born - I have a 2 year 3 month gap.

I have felt like a complete headless chicken at toddler groups with both a baby and a toddler to look after, and the mums who are only there with one child look serene and chilled by comparison. Yes, you need to teach the toddler that they can't just run off (as you are doing) but you won't be able to chat to other mums with a cup of tea while doing that.

I think keep going to the group if the DC get something out of it and it breaks the day up, but maybe try and find another activity for you to get some adult conversation or relaxation into the week. Could you have a friend round or pop out for a drink after they're in bed? Or are there any groups you can go to with just the baby, if the toddler goes to preschool or similar? Things like baby yoga with one, non-mobile baby are much better for meeting other mums than an unstructured stay and play group where you have two little ones to wrangle.

Ghostgirl77 · 09/10/2023 10:23

At 3 mine was at the stage where sitting still for a baby group was a challenge and he was ready to run by the end of it. I switched him to more active things like swimming, trips to the park and that worked a lot better.

MindatWork · 09/10/2023 10:33

Hi Op, is it a proper Children's Centre stay and play or one run by volunteers in a church hall? Either way I would ask the leaders if they have any advice for managing the situation, or ask if they can help you?

I used to take my DD to a stay and play at our village Children's Centre, and the woman who ran it was fab - there was always at least one child who would kick off or have a melt down at the end of the session and she would always help the parent (either by holding baby or distracting toddler).

HereForTheFreeLunch · 09/10/2023 10:35

ZebraD · 09/10/2023 09:57

Why don’t you have a little snack/drink ready for him and tell him he can have that before you are setting off.
you definitely need to a boundary if he is running off.

This! If it's tea and biscuit time for you, maybe it's milk and biscuit time for him.
That will break the chain of song/leave. Then he may settle and play a little longer.

glittereyelash · 09/10/2023 10:44

It can depend on the child to be honest. My friends son would happily sit and play with toys for an hour at that age. My son couldn't sit still for two seconds. He was jumping, climbing and swinging off everything so unfortunately play groups didn't work for us!