Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

256 replies

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:41

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out.

I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/10/2023 20:08

I’d put some reins on him as surely it’s dangerous anyway. Then he can’t run off

Balloonhearts · 09/10/2023 20:12

Reins. Sometimes there really is a lot to be said for tying your child up. 😂

onthenightfeed · 09/10/2023 20:32

“I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums”

If you want him to stay and play why are you bringing him back to say thank you and goodbye? You’re just reinforcing that it’s the end? No wonder he then shoots off again after he’s said goodbye, why would he think it’s time to play after he’s said goodbye to people?

Bring him back and take him to where the toys and other toddlers are playing and tell him it’s not time to go yet, he has X amount of time to continue playing. I don’t think he’s understanding the concept so you need to show him.

MandEmummy · 09/10/2023 20:37

Wow some of these responses... we go to quite a few stay and play toddler groups so can imagine the set up you're talking about. We've been going to the same toddler group for coming up to a year now. The door from the main room (within a church) isn't lockable and leads out to the foyer bit where the toilets, stairs, other rooms and front door are. I find at the end of the session quite a few toddlers including mine, will run around and in and out of the door. We do;

  • mums share the responsibility. So one mum will go out and follow the children and bring them back in so by the time it's your turn or should be every 5 mins rather than every 30 seconds.
  • go somewhere after with the mums. So explaining to the child we are going to go to the park in a minute/10 minutes but mummy is talking now with her friend.
  • logical consequences/opportunities. 'If you play inside the room where it is safe and I can see you for 10 mins, we can go to the park/screen time / fave snack etc' or the other way round 'if you do not, we will not be able to come next time/ your screen time is lessened/no fave snack'

My daughter is 3 in January and it's really hard. Keep going out and going to these places it's important for both of you. Ignore reigns and force as that's not what you want him to take from this (unless there's a safety issue)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/10/2023 20:53

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:06

Yes, he’s ran out of the doors a few times now. I’ve always got him and brought him back but it is stressful. He doesn’t use a pushchair and I don’t think it would be very helpful to put reins on him at the end of each session and force him to stay. I do understand why people are suggesting it if it’s something I want to ‘win’ but it isn’t something I want to force. I just wish he was happy to play for a few minutes and didn’t have it in his head to leave!

Reins are pretty useful to prevent him making it outside into the road and underneath a van because there are doors open at the point he makes a break for it.

bakewellbride · 09/10/2023 21:33

Perhaps he just really hates that bit of the group. My child hates all group singing with a passion so I always scoop her up and exit before the singing bit at the end has even begun!

Realtalking · 09/10/2023 21:58

I really think a lot of the people posting on here have forgotten what it’s like to have an energetic toddler. My DC is 2 and enjoys going to groups but when they finish she’s off. Says goodbye and thank you but wants to be onto the next fun thing. I completely sympathise.

A walk to the park, with a coffee hut is a good choice after such classes.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 09/10/2023 22:02

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2023 08:53

Put reins on him or fasten him into the pushchair, ignoring any protests. It's what I would do, and did when necessary.

You are the parent, you are the boss. Not your toddler. Make sure he cannot dictate.

This.
But I would have thought it was common sense.

Twinmum2020 · 09/10/2023 22:13

It is a shame that that the conversations aren't more constructive. Kids need parents to set boundaries. All our kids are different so its funny people are so condescending of others experiences. So many experts on here hahaaaaaaaaaa

Themumdoc · 10/10/2023 13:31

Alighttouchonthetiller · 09/10/2023 17:20

But you are the boss. You are the parent. Toddlers are delightful, but their little froggy minds don't know enough to be the ones making the decisions. By all means say, 'So, Artemis, do you want a rice cake or a falafel?' but you wouldn't say, 'OK, Artemis. I see you want to run out into the car park and get run over. What lovely independent ideas you have! I am so glad we are nurturing your spirit of adventure.'

I'm teaching these kids when they get to secondary school. They can't follow an instruction and spend most of their time walking out of lessons and being chased around by the Behaviour Team. Set some boundaries.

Show quote history

I think you’re misunderstanding me and assuming I let my toddlers make unsafe decisions. That’s not the case. I was referring to the language of being the ‘boss’ of your child. Instead of strapping them into a pushchair because ‘I’m the boss’, why not acknowledge that they want to leave, discuss this with them in advance so they’re aware of what’s happening. ‘I know you want to leave after the goodbye song. Mummy wants to stay and have a chat with her friends. Why don’t we have one biscuit and leave after that?’
Speaking to my toddlers like human beings works well. Especially when they know what to expect and know their wishes have been acknowledged. They would never run away as they know what’s safe and are well aware of when a boundary is being set. But I never do this by ‘being the boss’ we have a relationship of mutual respect.

Cosyblankets · 10/10/2023 13:49

Themumdoc · 10/10/2023 13:31

I think you’re misunderstanding me and assuming I let my toddlers make unsafe decisions. That’s not the case. I was referring to the language of being the ‘boss’ of your child. Instead of strapping them into a pushchair because ‘I’m the boss’, why not acknowledge that they want to leave, discuss this with them in advance so they’re aware of what’s happening. ‘I know you want to leave after the goodbye song. Mummy wants to stay and have a chat with her friends. Why don’t we have one biscuit and leave after that?’
Speaking to my toddlers like human beings works well. Especially when they know what to expect and know their wishes have been acknowledged. They would never run away as they know what’s safe and are well aware of when a boundary is being set. But I never do this by ‘being the boss’ we have a relationship of mutual respect.

Show quote history

Why don't we....... implies that you're giving them a choice
Try this with a teenager

fearfuloffluff · 10/10/2023 16:23

Themumdoc · 10/10/2023 13:31

I think you’re misunderstanding me and assuming I let my toddlers make unsafe decisions. That’s not the case. I was referring to the language of being the ‘boss’ of your child. Instead of strapping them into a pushchair because ‘I’m the boss’, why not acknowledge that they want to leave, discuss this with them in advance so they’re aware of what’s happening. ‘I know you want to leave after the goodbye song. Mummy wants to stay and have a chat with her friends. Why don’t we have one biscuit and leave after that?’
Speaking to my toddlers like human beings works well. Especially when they know what to expect and know their wishes have been acknowledged. They would never run away as they know what’s safe and are well aware of when a boundary is being set. But I never do this by ‘being the boss’ we have a relationship of mutual respect.

Show quote history

I don't think anyone was advocating strapping down a child and literally telling them 'i'm the boss'

I've seen a lot of toddlers. They vary a lot and some might respond to nice calm gentle parenting techniques, others will be out the door before you've opened your mouth to speak.

If yours are toddlers now, the mutual respect softly approach might not work for that long tbh - at a certain point they show active defiance and tell untruths etc to see if they can get around a rule. All developmentally normal, but I think it does help if they've learned as toddlers that sometimes mum puts her foot down and that's it.

By the time they get to school, they also need to know how to follow a rule without extended discussion about it!

Dweetfidilove · 10/10/2023 16:32

BruceAndNosh · 09/10/2023 08:44

Take the car keys off him so he can't drive home😄

Of all the iconic MN responses, this is the best I’ve read 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Goldenbear · 10/10/2023 17:17

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/10/2023 09:18

Reins indoors would be weird, I have never seen anyone tie their toddlers to force them to stay at a play group! (And I do use reins outside in the streets)

We go to rhyme time every week, most of the toddlers will aim for the door at some point during or after the session, that's completely normal behaviour for them to want to run around.

Show quote history

I agree with this, I am well past this stage but when my 16 and 12 year olds were toddlers reins being used in this way would have been judged. I don't know anyone who used them outside as they were also judged but tbf the little back pack things were sometimes used. My youngest liked to leave things so I understand and just accepted it as the kind of toddler she was, I would not have expected something of her beyond her developmental abilities i e sitting on a chair because I said so for 10 minutes. My DC are well behaved teenagers so not been their adversary has not done them any damage. I think it is a bit strange to be reminding them that you are the boss and getting it notions of winning with your toddler!

Goldenbear · 10/10/2023 17:24

Cosyblankets · 10/10/2023 13:49

Why don't we....... implies that you're giving them a choice
Try this with a teenager

Show quote history

I have teenagers, bright and respectful, one studying A levels in academic subjects with no input from me, studies hard and has just got himself a part time job as self - driven, I've always negotiated with him if necessary so given him choices, never laid the law down, never had naughty corners, time-outs, groundings, i just talk to my DC and it is fine!

LifeExperience · 10/10/2023 17:35

Toddlers test boundaries. It's your job as a parent to enforce them. So enforce them by simply not allowing him to run.

Sennelier1 · 10/10/2023 18:06

But why do you need to leave? I suppose doors are closed or can be closed - if necessary place yourself so you can see the door(s). Let your child run and even protest, he'll soon enough learn he can find something to play with or another child to connect to.

Ohhoho · 10/10/2023 20:23

Bless him he wants out. He is more important than the other mums. Really. Don’t make it a battle of wills. He wants to be with you.. every kid is different I’d be more worried if he didn’t want to leave.
be firm when it is really important, he’ll know the difference and love you for it.

incywincyspidery · 10/10/2023 20:44

It doesn't sound as if he wants to leave as such. It sounds more as though he is pleased he knows the routine and what to expect- and is proudly creating his own little part of it by running to the door at the end. Try adding another little part yourself- maybe take one of his favourite toys and play with him and the toy for a few minutes at the end yourself. If you do this every time it will establish an extra part of the routine and then you stop actively playing yourself and can talk to the other parents while he plays. Then make a big point of encouraging him to run to the door and then back to you when you're getting the baby ready so he knows this is the "new" end.

Lollipop81 · 10/10/2023 20:44

Both my children were like this 😂😂 I spent half my life chasing around after them and they were both toddlers at the same time which made it trickier. Nothing really seemed to work, I just got used to it. As soon as they both neared 4 they stopped doing this, so hang in there 😅

Wondering321 · 10/10/2023 20:57

bakewellbride · 09/10/2023 21:33

Perhaps he just really hates that bit of the group. My child hates all group singing with a passion so I always scoop her up and exit before the singing bit at the end has even begun!

Does she have ASD? Both mine were like this!

OP these threads make me laugh, people saying show him who is in charge etc as if it’s that simple! My DC at that age would’ve screamed the house down if I’d forced them to come back. They’re still in charge age 4, unfortunately, again because I refuse to subject anyone to his screaming! YANBU.

bakewellbride · 10/10/2023 21:08

@Wondering321 no deffo doesn't have asd. Just really doesn't like group singing!

jenpil · 10/10/2023 21:09

You are the parent. Start parenting him.

You decide when you leave, so tell him so.

Say "You are waiting until I have finished, then we will go.ummy has to talk to some people first. Hold his hand so he can't run away while you chat to people there.

Cosyblankets · 10/10/2023 22:46

Goldenbear · 10/10/2023 17:24

I have teenagers, bright and respectful, one studying A levels in academic subjects with no input from me, studies hard and has just got himself a part time job as self - driven, I've always negotiated with him if necessary so given him choices, never laid the law down, never had naughty corners, time-outs, groundings, i just talk to my DC and it is fine!

Show quote history

So in this situation if you'd have said to the child how about we stay for a bit and the child said no what would you have done?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/10/2023 22:55

Give him a snack (or your phone!) for the last 10 mins.