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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

256 replies

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:41

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out.

I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

OP posts:
Yourebeingtooloud · 09/10/2023 09:06

Can you rehearse with him in advance. ‘We are going to x. When the song comes on, some people might go but we are going to stay. Mummy will give you a biscuit and you can sit in the buggy. Then we will go.’ or similar.

Keep reminding him. Be very clear. A few days before, the day before, on the day, just as you get there, just before the song comes on, when the song has finished. Praise what you want to see.

You’ll get there.

Original poster
Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:07

He’d just ignore all that - I’ve tried a few times to go through ‘what happens when …’ with him but I don’t think he can retain it just at the moment. Either he doesn’t fully understand or he does but forgets in the intervening time.

OP posts:
hylian · 09/10/2023 09:07

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:06

Yes, he’s ran out of the doors a few times now. I’ve always got him and brought him back but it is stressful. He doesn’t use a pushchair and I don’t think it would be very helpful to put reins on him at the end of each session and force him to stay. I do understand why people are suggesting it if it’s something I want to ‘win’ but it isn’t something I want to force. I just wish he was happy to play for a few minutes and didn’t have it in his head to leave!

Safety isn't something you want to force?

It's not OK for your toddler to run out the doors without you.

It's OK as a parent to enforce that rule.

YourNameGoesHere · 09/10/2023 09:07

Honestly you're making problems where there doesn't need to be any.

Why does he need to say thank you, he's a toddler and you saying thank you is enough.

Why do you want to stay once the goodbye song is over that's a clear transition to him that it's ending so dragging it out for. 10 more minutes is obviously going to frustrate him.

Why doesn't he have reins or a pushchair if he bolts for the door and you've then got to leave a baby unattended to get him back.

Original poster
Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:08

And sorry to keep repeating myself but we don’t have a buggy. It’s just people keep suggesting it and I don’t want to waste peoples time - I’m more having a whinge about general toddler behaviour than anything else!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 09/10/2023 09:08

How much does he understand. Do you think a visual timetable might help to showhim the order of events. When you have your cup of tea then he has his juice and biscuit.
Can he actually get out? Do you have to dash after him?
Also worth speaking to an organiser/helper about helping you. These sessions are for you as much as him

YourNameGoesHere · 09/10/2023 09:10

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:08

And sorry to keep repeating myself but we don’t have a buggy. It’s just people keep suggesting it and I don’t want to waste peoples time - I’m more having a whinge about general toddler behaviour than anything else!

But why don't you have a buggy? It would solve a lot of your problems and keep your child safe from bolting. By not having one you're just making it unnecessarily harder for everyone involved.

Ohnonotanotheroneeek · 09/10/2023 09:10

OP I really get it. My younger child was like this. I just wanted a quiet chat and a biscuit but was never going to happen. Can you have your chat earlier?

Canisaysomething · 09/10/2023 09:10

Set clear expectations of behaviour before you go in the door at the start coupled with bribes. You also may just have a “runner”, he’ll grow out of it but it’s tough.

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2023 09:11

Of course it would be helpful to put reins on him. This is precisely what reins are for.

Canisaysomething · 09/10/2023 09:11

Agree with others, can you get there early for a chat rather than stay at the end?

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/10/2023 09:12

Unfortunately you can't force him to want to play. My toddler would run off too but mainly because he is madly attracted to doors (and he knows he is not allowed to go out so of course will try).
Usually I keep snack time for after the group and that will work to keep him busy for a bit, and after that he is more likely to join the other children to play.

Is there anything your toddler likes that could distract him for a bit? A snack, book, toy?

Seeline · 09/10/2023 09:13

If he is actually escaping buildings then you must do something about it!
You need to parent him.
He dies not go through the door without you. Ever.
If he can't do as he is told, then you have to enforce it. Reins would work. As would holding his hand.
As the song finishes, you take hold. You lead him to a chair. Tell him to sit there until you are ready to leave. Give him a biscuit or something if necessary. But you keep telling him to stay, and praise him when he does.
You cannot have him running out on his own.

WhateverAgains · 09/10/2023 09:14

Boundaries are not a negative thing like you seem to see them as.

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 09:14

OP this is actually an issue of safety - by letting him bolt you're actually not keeping him child safe. You need to get a handle on this behaviour.

OK, it might be perfectly safe at toddler group for him to be out the doors/ out of your line of sight for a bit, but if he thinks it's OK in this situation then he'll do it in other places as well.

Sometimes as a parent you need to enforce boundaries and rules. He's old enough to learn to behave, so teach him that he doesn't bolt and enforce consequences if he does.

Why do you care what other parents think about you parenting your child? All children need boundaries and discipline in order to feel safe and secure. It's part of parenting .

You need to put some boundaries in place here.

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2023 09:14

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 09:08

And sorry to keep repeating myself but we don’t have a buggy. It’s just people keep suggesting it and I don’t want to waste peoples time - I’m more having a whinge about general toddler behaviour than anything else!

Then get a buggy, and reins. That's the solution but you don't want to hear it for some reason.

This is precisely what these things are for.

tootsweetss · 09/10/2023 09:14

*keeping him safe

Singleandproud · 09/10/2023 09:15

You may not have needed a pushchair for one child but now you have two and trying to juggle them alone with a bolter you really sounds like you need to get one.
Argos have one for £35, even if you just use it for the group they become handy on days out to put your stuff in or longer tiring trips to a zoo etc when the toddler needs a nap.

GlitteryGreen · 09/10/2023 09:15

Ah yes, this is a pain!! I'm guessing it's not a sage venue where you can let him have a run around while you have a cup of tea?

We attend a group on Fridays and lots of the mums stay for a tea afterwards and many of the toddlers are bolting around in eyesight, everyone keeps an eye on the doors so they can't actually leave the room/building.

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/10/2023 09:18

Seeline · 09/10/2023 09:13

If he is actually escaping buildings then you must do something about it!
You need to parent him.
He dies not go through the door without you. Ever.
If he can't do as he is told, then you have to enforce it. Reins would work. As would holding his hand.
As the song finishes, you take hold. You lead him to a chair. Tell him to sit there until you are ready to leave. Give him a biscuit or something if necessary. But you keep telling him to stay, and praise him when he does.
You cannot have him running out on his own.

Reins indoors would be weird, I have never seen anyone tie their toddlers to force them to stay at a play group! (And I do use reins outside in the streets)

We go to rhyme time every week, most of the toddlers will aim for the door at some point during or after the session, that's completely normal behaviour for them to want to run around.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2023 09:19

Are the toys etc put away?

The only way to change it is to teach him. Fetch him back, put him with a toy, play for a minute then tell him to keep playing / fetch him back and send on the direction of the kids running in screaming circles refusing to leave.

But if he's running out of the building onto acar park etc. he needs reins or something similar before he gets hurt.

SnapdragonToadflax · 09/10/2023 09:20

Sometimes you have to force small children to do things they don't want to do. It's good for them to learn they don't call the shots.

If you don't have a buggy (do you travel everywhere at toddler speed? Ugh.) then pick him up or put him on reins. Give him a snack and/or a toy you've had hidden. Explain clearly and quickly that we're staying here until mummy's finished.

I am by no means a perfect parent, I find it really bloody hard. But I would have found it a lot harder if I hadn't been quite strict on behaviour and expectations early on, and also had a stack of distractions hidden in my bag.

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 09:20

Sunflowerpoppies · 09/10/2023 08:58

It’s a stay and play - the idea is the children play freely while the adults chat. I could force him but it’s pointless and doesn’t look great effectively tying him down! I do want to carry on encouraging saying thank you, though, that is one of the few non negotiables I have.

So why do you need to hang behind for ten minutes? You can spend the whole session chatting?!

SecondUsername4me · 09/10/2023 09:21

I'd have him next to you for the final song (in reins if needs be) so you can hold him in place. It's not safe for him to be legging it across the room while people are going in and out of the main doors, so even if you didn't want to stay and chat, this needs to be better controlled so he isn't swept (or let) out with the others.

truptantripping · 09/10/2023 09:21

Bribe him with a biscuit but I suspect you might say you don't do biscuits 😃