To really hate that my toddler keeps deciding when we are going?

[Sunflowerpoppies]

When we go to a group at the moment my toddler knows the format and when it’s the ending song or rhyme gets up and walks/runs out.

I do bring him back and make him say good bye and thank you but he then as soon as we’ve said it he runs off again. It’s rubbish as it means I’m charging after him (also have a baby) and I know this is selfish but means I don’t get ten minutes to sit and chat with other mums, I’m not sure it anyone can relate?!

I have a friend who had similar experiences with her child, she also refused anyone's suggestions of putting boundaries in place/reins etc. Instead she insisted her non-negotiables were teaching a second language, saying thank you and telling her child she is the one to make choices about everything (meaning the child making the choices).
Her child is now 6 years old and has never yet learned consequences to their actions. While yes the child can say thank you, it is entirely meaningless to them. It's just something they know their mum wants them to say. Other than that the child's behaviour has only escalated and the mum's parenting has been largely about her own socialising.
I am not saying you are doing the same thing OP but I am saying be realistic about what is important here for your son. Your firmness on the thank you is incongruent with your stance on things that will actually keep your child safe (reins, buggy, holding him etc) It is absolutely nothing to do with embarrassment. It's basic safety and parenting.

Reins indoors would be weird, I have never seen anyone tie their toddlers to force them to stay at a play group!

But as soon as you realised the kid was bolting out the doors, without shoes and mum also has a small baby to deal with, anyone with half a brain would realise why they were using them.

Never seeing anyone doing something or because a random would find it weird isn’t a reason to not explore a perfectly feasible resource to keep a child safe.

How old is he?

I found that DDs at 18 months - there was absolutely no reasoning with them, particularly DD1 if you wanted them to do something - leave the soft play area, go in the buggy etc, I'd just have to pick her up and strap her in or tuck her under my arm.

As they turned two to two and a half it was a different matter - far more understanding of yes and no and instructions and getting on with it.

Surely getting him back and making him wait while I get my things and saying thank you is a boundary?

Why isn't the door locked? If a toddler can easily open it I'd ask if it can be. Also, have you sat your child fíen and explained it's not time to go when the song ends, that he can have a few minutes to play while you are talking? I'd even resort to a bribe - wait until I say it's time to go and he can have one of his favourite snacks or something.

I was just going to ask why the door is not locked? Its a toddler group, of course it should be locked (or a t least toddlers should not be able to leave)

Its pretty frustrating when people reply with “you’re the boss, make him stay” and the like. Op is asking for advice on how to do this! Also Op, I hear you that it defeats the object of wanting to stay and chat to other parents if you have to manage a screaming toddler while doing so. For my son, his favourite snack would work - what does your toddler really love? Even if it’s a screen, could you let him watching something for 10 mins while your have a quick catch up with other adults? Or maybe save a new library book or cheap toy until the end of the class and surprise him with it then. You could even wrap it up so it takes him a while to get into it! Am I getting carried away?! 😂

Not unreasonable at all. Behaviour can become a pattern very easily and sometimes they do things because they've done them before. There may be a valid reason and you might be able to figure out what - i.e.; your toddler expects a reward after the class or hates the chatter noise - but only you can work that out. Toddlers absolutely don't have the right to dictate if you get a moment of joy! Being relaxed makes us better mothers so you need that time :)

I think you need a firm boundary on this OP. Not so you can have a relaxing chat after the session, but because he needs to have a very clear understanding that he does not run off and he does not go through the doors without you. You need to forget hanging around chatting but he needs to learn to wait until everyone has shoes on and is packed up!

It’s a huge safety issue for him to just set off like that, so either he needs to be holding your hand/on reins/in a newly purchased buggy at the end of the song, or if he’s older he needs consequences for running off until he learns to stay put - in my children’s case by age two if they tried to leave a group etc without me they either went in the pushchair or sat on a chair right next to me. I didn’t give a monkeys if they had a tantrum, if other parents disapproved, if they had to be put back on the chair a dozen times - it can take seconds for a toddler to be out the door and in a car park or on the road.

Not really. It won't register like that for a 3 year old because it isn't really clear.
There is no logic in it for him if you see what I mean. Teaching him safety and being clear on it is a boundary, staying for biscuits and saying thanks isn't really a boundary in the same sense.

But he shouldn't be allowed to bolt like that in the first place, especially if he gets outside into the car park where a serious accident could easily happen.

Reins or buggy.

I think we’ll just stay home from now on. We don’t have a buggy
, h honestly have said that about five times now

I would think about getting him some reins.

Tell him that you’re staying afterwards and remind him during the activity.
Then a few minutes before the end, remind him again and clip the reins on.

I’m sure the first couple of times there may be hell to pay but at least he’ll be safe and you can (try) and explain that you are not going home just yet.

Does he have a snack or anything?

I would make this part of the routine.
That after the playgroup he can sit down and have a snack, which hopefully he will look forward to.

Just hold him. On your knee or in reins.

He sounds sweet to me. It’s hard being a mother/parent to a toddler but it won’t last long …

I know not everyone likes reins but my DD went through a phase of running off and they were honestly the best thing I did to keep her safe.

You act before it happens. Sit him on your lap for the goodbye song, do the goodbyes and thank yous then.

Repeat after me: your job isnt to please him constantly. You matter as well.

It's easy when you have a child to fall into the trap of treating them like little kings but that's going to lead to burnout for you and a child that wont learn how to make sure everyone is treated fairly.

If you want 10 minutes, which is entirely reasonable, you explain that to him and enforce acceptable behaviour to achieve that.

I would bring a favourite that he only gets at the end of the baby group and not at home and offer a choice: you can play with this toy on the floor while mummy packs up, or I can hold you, but I will not let you run away. you make the decision about staying, he can be allowed to make the decision about how to spend that time.

You're being a tad ridiculous, you don't have to stay home for goodness sake but it would help to understand your reluctance to buying a bloody stroller considering it would fix the very issue you're moaning about and given you have a baby it would still have years of usefulness to you.

Look we get it everyone needs a good whinge sometimes but given the solution to fixing this specific problem seems so blindingly obvious it's an odd one to whinge about.

The reason mum wants to stay is irrelevant. She is mum. She gets to decide. That's all that matters. Safety. Chat. Whatever. You don't go anywhere until you are ready. Not the child's decision.

If this is not nipped in the bud it will escalate to the child expecting to dictate other things
OP reins really are your friend here.

Honestly it’s ok - I think probably best just to give groups a miss for now! I didn’t mesn to get everyone posting about buggies and reins, and sitting on knees. If he isn’t enjoying it then it’s daft to go.

But he is enjoying it, he just needs a clear boundary at the end that you're refusing to give him.

You seem to be intentionally dismissing what everyone is saying very clearly to you.
It is unclear why you are choosing the buggy as your limit. You have two very young children, there is no prize for not using a buggy.
You state he won't use one. Why? He is 3. He is not in charge yet your responses suggest he is with regards to that.
If you are determined to let him rule the roost on that then maybe a push along bike/car/scuttlebug etc would work in a similar way? There are options other than you throwing your own toys out the pram here. But by all means dig your heels in and refuse to try anyone's suggestions.

Get one then! It's the safest option for your children! Why on earth would you just not bother?!

So he is going to miss out on a group he enjoys because youd rather employ avoidance tactics. That isnt in his best interests and I'm just going to say it.. OP you are going to rep what you sow here. Good luck parenting a headstrong teenager. It is frankly lazy parenting to avoid going out because you cant get a free buggy, sling or hold your toddler for 10 minutes. Sorry but I think you need to hear it directly.