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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 09/10/2023 08:02

I'm curious to know why you think you're being U though OP? Your son is almost 16, that's plenty old enough to understand opening someone else's birthday present and eating it is selfish and thoughtless. I just asked my 5 year old if it would be okay to eat somebody else's birthday chocolates and he was horrified and said it wasn't ok at all! So even a 5yr old knows it's wrong 🤣

Bubblesoffun · 09/10/2023 08:02

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 07:57

you are not UR and your son must replace them. Like for like.

At this point it’s more like an eye for an eye. I’m surprised people haven’t told her to kick him out. This place is insane sometimes. You have mothers asking if they should call up a place where their 16 year old baby had an interview for a job but didn’t get it, then here we have people being for the blood of a different 16 year old for eating chocolate!

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 08:03

Easy to spot on here the posters who are raising sons who will grow up to be shit partners that future MNers will be posting their disappointment about.

InSpainTheRain · 09/10/2023 08:04

Perhaps he just didn't think- especially if you usually share such things. I would have said to him that it's not on, if someone is given a present it is theirs to open and share if they want to, but he shouldn't just take it. I wouldn't make him replace it though.

boobot1 · 09/10/2023 08:06

Sounds petty to me

5YearsLeft · 09/10/2023 08:06

Nazzywish · 09/10/2023 02:30

Is this a one off re taking something of yours ? He's a Kid let it go OP, one day when you need feeding by his hands as an old frail woman he may just remember what a miser you were. Why is there such a big complex with food and kids eating it on mumsnet. If you've taught them respect, and he is generally well behaved then the odd sneaky treat from mums chocolates- isn't a big thing. Also don't you just share all the food in the house treats or not? Maybe reframe how you look at food and don't see it as this person's and that - have everyone share everything that comes into the house, makes for a less selfish approach from parents towards your own flesh and blood, and your own kids not feeling like they're a burden on their parents for eating a bloody chocolate.

What. In. The. Fucking. What.

Your mistake, OP, was in saying that they were chocolates. You should have come up with something else that he could have used up and refused to replace, or just refused to say what the item was (even though everyone would then demand to know what it was). But the martyrs seem to be out in droves, as above. Probably the same martyrs who believe mums should be eating the dregs of every dish they cook while giving their family “the best.”

Or someone else, who said how “petty” this is of OP to be upset. If all a mum gets for her birthday is a box of chocolates and that’s it, and it’s her entire birthday present, I do think it’s really shite of someone to take that away from her. The person above going on a bizarre diatribe, saying OP should just get over it, because och, some day OP may be not but a poor elderly widow woman what needs her son to wipe her arse for her… fucking what?!? Are you on glue? Maybe OP’s plans for old age involve taking endless cruises around the world and then jumping off the boat when she can no longer wipe her own arse. Who knows.

Tell you what (to all those saying OP is BU). I hope someone buys you lingerie for your next birthday. And then I’ll come by and wear it, preferably to the gym (I’m really too ill to go to the gym but I’ll pull it together since this is really important) before you get a chance to use it at all, and then leave it in the wash for you. I mean, that’s fine, right? Don’t be so PETTY.

MsRosley · 09/10/2023 08:07

Now's a good time to teach him how not to be that husband who got divorced for eating all his wife's chocolate. Essential life lesson.

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 08:07

SheSaidHummingbird · 09/10/2023 08:01

Very unreasonable for saying 'chocs'.

god yes, this. It really grates

I like the idea of replacing something of his that is branded with an unbranded cheapo version (so Nikes for George at ASDA) and just being all wide-eyed and "what? they're trainers"

And an explanation that yes, you may have shared them out, but boundaries are needed in all relationships and it is better that he learns this now.

it isn't a "hill to die on" 🙄but it is a good teachable moment.

OP - what is your DHs reaction? comment? is he on your side (like for like replacement) or is he a week man-child who can't see the harm? (or more likely somewhere in between)

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 08:09

Bubblesoffun · 09/10/2023 08:02

At this point it’s more like an eye for an eye. I’m surprised people haven’t told her to kick him out. This place is insane sometimes. You have mothers asking if they should call up a place where their 16 year old baby had an interview for a job but didn’t get it, then here we have people being for the blood of a different 16 year old for eating chocolate!

Show quote history

don't be daft. It doesn't have to be like the Stalingrad siege.

It only has to be: nope, son. You replace gifts that you have consumed, even partially, as like for like, and until that happens i won't be happy about what you have done.

No taking off his door, no kicking him out, no being anything other than a normal decent parent who is instilling good boundaries and social awareness in a young man.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:10

“Is this a one off re taking something of yours ? He's a Kid let it go OP, one day when you need feeding by his hands as an old frail woman he may just remember what a miser you were. Why is there such a big complex with food and kids eating it on mumsnet. If you've taught them respect, and he is generally well behaved then the odd sneaky treat from mums chocolates- isn't a big thing. Also don't you just share all the food in the house treats or not? Maybe reframe how you look at food and don't see it as this person's and that - have everyone share everything that comes into the house, makes for a less selfish approach from parents towards your own flesh and blood, and your own kids not feeling like they're a burden on their parents for eating a bloody chocolate”

you are Sooooooooo right @Nazzywish

in fact OP you should give him the whole box. And then buy him another since he likes them so much 😊

So then he won’t feel like such a burden and also there may be a slim, tiny chance that he won’t throw you into some awful home when you’re old and /or go no contact. Of course though that really depends on you buying him a home or letting him live with you rent free forever and if he has kids providing free on tap childcare but you know… the chocs are a good start!

AuntieJoyce · 09/10/2023 08:10

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 08:03

Easy to spot on here the posters who are raising sons who will grow up to be shit partners that future MNers will be posting their disappointment about.

Gosh. I always thought we chose our own partners. I didn’t realise they were allocated to us.

boobot1 · 09/10/2023 08:10

MsRosley · 09/10/2023 08:07

Now's a good time to teach him how not to be that husband who got divorced for eating all his wife's chocolate. Essential life lesson.

😂

ChaToilLeam · 09/10/2023 08:11

YANBU. He is old enough to know better!

boobot1 · 09/10/2023 08:12

5YearsLeft · 09/10/2023 08:06

What. In. The. Fucking. What.

Your mistake, OP, was in saying that they were chocolates. You should have come up with something else that he could have used up and refused to replace, or just refused to say what the item was (even though everyone would then demand to know what it was). But the martyrs seem to be out in droves, as above. Probably the same martyrs who believe mums should be eating the dregs of every dish they cook while giving their family “the best.”

Or someone else, who said how “petty” this is of OP to be upset. If all a mum gets for her birthday is a box of chocolates and that’s it, and it’s her entire birthday present, I do think it’s really shite of someone to take that away from her. The person above going on a bizarre diatribe, saying OP should just get over it, because och, some day OP may be not but a poor elderly widow woman what needs her son to wipe her arse for her… fucking what?!? Are you on glue? Maybe OP’s plans for old age involve taking endless cruises around the world and then jumping off the boat when she can no longer wipe her own arse. Who knows.

Tell you what (to all those saying OP is BU). I hope someone buys you lingerie for your next birthday. And then I’ll come by and wear it, preferably to the gym (I’m really too ill to go to the gym but I’ll pull it together since this is really important) before you get a chance to use it at all, and then leave it in the wash for you. I mean, that’s fine, right? Don’t be so PETTY.

Show quote history

😂

Scaredycats · 09/10/2023 08:12

YANBU. Just because you’re his mum, doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to anything of your own! I doubt you would help yourself to his Easter eggs or Christmas presents without replacing them or asking. If he gets pocket money, take it from that and replace yourself.

Vettrianofan · 09/10/2023 08:12

YABU hide them next time!

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 08:12

He's a Kid let it go OP, one day when you need feeding by his hands as an old frail woman he may just remember what a miser you were.

IDK. I read the relationships board. It is more likely to be his wife who is caring for his mum anyway. As well as taking on all the mental load and being recommended on MN to get a lockable box for her kids snacks to put in the fridge, safe from the "hoover up all the snacks" husband...

WeWereInParis · 09/10/2023 08:12

Why is there such a big complex with food and kids eating it on mumsnet.

The issue isn't that it was eaten by a child, it's that it was her birthday present. I wouldn't eat my child's birthday present, I wouldn't eat DH's, it's not an adult/child issue.

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 08:14

also tbh, IMO it applies to ANYONE who opens your present (whatever it is)
Husband, partner, father, mother, daughter, sister, niece, third cousin twice removed...

Don't be a dick and open other people's presents unless they specifically ask you to.

(ohh i know: does he like Lego? Buy him the set he wants for christmas, but open it first and hide all the minifigs/most important part) <-- that is a joke.

Redbrickrebel · 09/10/2023 08:14

It takes a certain level of entitlement for someone to do this.

My concern would be his blatant disregard for someone else's property, and refusal to acknowledge how wrong his actions were without a good deal of prompting.

I'd be sitting him down and asking him if he thinks that in general, he take whatever he wants without permission or remorse.

boobot1 · 09/10/2023 08:17

Wow you lot take chocolate really seriously! 😂

Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 08:18

1988really · 09/10/2023 01:59

He has acknowledged his mistake ,you have a good relationship,so I personally as a Mum would pick my battles

This is a battle to pick. Entitlement in adult males in a huge problem. Men putting themselves and their needs first, without consideration for others in the house is a problem. Men using things up and not bothering to carry the mental load of thinking how to replace them and then sorting it out is a problem.

This is a battle to pick if you want to teach your sons how to behave in a family, and how to treat the people you live with with respect.

Summonedbybees · 09/10/2023 08:19

My children know we would give them anything we could. I fantasise about winning the lottery to help them payoff their mortgages. Both are lovely, respectful and married ten plus years. I hope my grandchildren grow up knowing that whatever goes wrong in their lives, we are always there for them.
A lot can go wrong in life, illness strikes unpredictably. Many Children have SEND problems or mental health issues and struggle to cope. A box of chocolates seems so minor. I tried hard when they were teenagers to forgive and forget. They grew into lovely adults and I am so proud of being their Mum.
I am a teacher, lovely kind parents have lovely kind children.Parents who hold grudges and are quick to punish often have children who tell them nothing and can't wait to get away.

CharlotteBog · 09/10/2023 08:20

Why is your DP buying presents on your 16 yo's behalf. Why are they not buying presents for you themselves? If they haven't learnt to do this then I imagine he doesn't understand the sentiment and value behind gift giving.

GabriellaMontez · 09/10/2023 08:21

Has he apologised? Remind him that words are nothing. Actions are everything. His apology needs to include putting right what he did.

It was thoughtless (at best).

He's probably a bit embarrassed. He still needs to make good.

Otherwise a taste of his own medicine may be appropriate.