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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
SummerSazz · 09/10/2023 05:46

I'm wondering why teen kids didn't buy their own gifts? Once over about 14 I'd expect them to be doing this

I think because he didn't buy them he doesn't see the value in them to you. Just that it was your birthday and DP bought some chocs which then became a free for all

If he'd earned the money or saved pocket money, gone out to buy them (selected for you), wrapped them and handed them over I suspect he wouldn't then have eaten them as they would have seemed far more precious....

SummerSazz · 09/10/2023 05:47

Yanbu btw!

Cowlover89 · 09/10/2023 05:57

Yanbu

Ollifer · 09/10/2023 05:59

I mean he didn't eat the whole box presumably, he's already brought another box albeit not the same chocolates, but I think id just let this one go now as long as he understood what he did was disrespectful and wouldn't be happening again.l

tolerable · 09/10/2023 06:05

wear his jeans.

WYorkshireRose88 · 09/10/2023 06:12

It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift

If it's not about the chocolates specifically, then why did you reject the replacements? I'd just move on a this point.

luckysonofagun · 09/10/2023 06:13

If he gets pocket money I'd deduct the cost and buy them myself. You are doing the right thing, there's so many posts from disgruntled wives about dh taking their treats. It's so entitled don't back down!

Tilllly · 09/10/2023 06:23

tolerable · 09/10/2023 06:05

wear his jeans.

Even better 😁

Tilllly · 09/10/2023 06:23

@Flowerpowera7
Think some of it is tongue in cheek 😁

NeedABike · 09/10/2023 06:25

Tourmalines · 09/10/2023 03:37

What dribble !

Show quote history

I agree. But I think you might mean ‘drivel’ ;-)

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 09/10/2023 06:32

The cheapo ones are a finger up.

TerfTalking · 09/10/2023 06:41

What @JoanOfAllTrades said.

the boy is wrong, I would be furious, it’s disrespectful, he needs to replace them.

Bluetrue · 09/10/2023 06:44

This is your son. He ate some chocolates. You are a grown adult moaning like a 5 year old. Unbelievable.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/10/2023 06:45

How expensive were they? Can he not afford a replacement box, or is he just sulking because he's seen the price and doesn't want to spend that of his own money? (since you said DP paid for first lot on his behalf)

Totally crap to open someone elses present, or even help yourself if they're already open. Its for you to offer to share, not for him to just take. And 15 is deffinitely old enough to know this!

AgentJohnson · 09/10/2023 06:50

Tell him he was bang out of order, he should apologise and set a deadline of 24 hours for a like for like replacement. The act was bad enough but the follow up behaviour is worse, this sense of entitlement didn’t come from nowhere.

This is a teaching moment, which I hope he learns from.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/10/2023 06:52

Bloody hell, I would have opened them
and shared most out to the kids anyway so a non issue for me.

Mikimoto · 09/10/2023 06:58

Get him an iPad for Xmas.
Then as soon as he opens it, swap it for a second-hand
Amazon Fire that you have hidden behind your back.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/10/2023 07:00

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/10/2023 06:52

Bloody hell, I would have opened them
and shared most out to the kids anyway so a non issue for me.

But you would have opened them and you would have made the choice to share. I share my chocolates too! But it’s still my present to open, my present to share. He didn’t give OP a chance, he just took her present.

OP, you’re only being unreasonable on two points: 1, if he’s nearly 16 he should be buying his own gifts to you anyway, not your DP doing it on his behalf. 2, the word “chocs”.

I like the wear his jeans advice. In front of his mates. When he needs new, not-embarrassing jeans, get him some jorts from Primark.

Arniesleftleg · 09/10/2023 07:02

@Newbieatthis just because he did this mindlessly it doesn't mean you don't have a good relationship. It was just selfish of him, that's what teens are.

Womencanlift · 09/10/2023 07:03

Glad to see the responses here as usually on similar threads it’s a “we are a free for all household” with no thought of any boundaries

I was brought up to believe that it’s for the gift receiver to decide if and when things can be shared and you don’t just help yourself to someone else’s gift

So YANBU and your son is a CF

southlondoner02 · 09/10/2023 07:06

YANBU but at that age he should have bought you a present himself in the first place. Kids need to take responsibility for gifts from a young age so they understand the value of thinking about other people

wibdib · 09/10/2023 07:11

YANBU.

Definitely expect him to replace like with like, albeit providing appropriate support to enable him to buy them if he doesn’t know where they were from or doesn’t have a card or if they had booze in so can only be bought by an adult.

have you sat down and asked him explicitly why he thinks he shouldn’t replace like with like? And also asked if he has a favourite something (eg PS4 game, nice brand clothing item) that someone borrowed when he wasn’t there to ask and damaged it, would he be happy with being given something ‘the same but different & much cheaper’ in return (so a train spotting game from the bargain returns bin instead of FIFA or Call of Duty or a cheap ladies TShirt from Tesco instead of a nice warm hoodie from his favourite brand) and then ask him to explain his reasoning as to why he would be happy (or not!) and then use it to show that this is what he has just done to you.

good luck - and good luck getting your dh to back you up - sounds like he isn’t helping you much with this.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 09/10/2023 07:11

I’m sure he’s not a bad a kid but had a moment of thoughtlessness. That’s expected. But he needs to understand that those moments have consequences.

I think this is the sensible response. Any of us can yearn for some chocolate, see something that looks delicious already in the house and maybe give in. However, the obvious next step is to apologise to the rightful owner and then replace like-for-like.

Unless you are actually Phoebe from Friends, you don't 'wish you could put it right again', but decide that you don't actually want to.

A cheapo box offered in replacement is more of an insult than not actually bothering at all. The latter is shamelessly and unrepentently giving somebody the finger and making your complete lack of care for their feelings evident; but the former is (I won't say gaslighting) falsely making out that you have made amends in unilaterally downgrading somebody's belongings and telling them that they are the unreasonable one if they aren't happy with a half-arsed token effort.

It's a little bit like being the kind, loving, decent friend who organises a whip-round and raises £50 to help somebody who's just had £200 stolen - when it was YOU who originally stole it!

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2023 07:11

He’s going to grow into one of this men who treat their partners with complete and utter disrespect on their birthdays unless he is taught that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

Would he have done the same to his dad?

derxa · 09/10/2023 07:12

Posh Chocs 🙄

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