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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son opened my birthday chocs

518 replies

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:32

I suspect IABU but.. recent birthday, chocs & flowers bought by DP as gifts from teen kids, all good so far. Came back in the afternoon to find son had opened my quite posh chocs and eaten some. I was surprised but he admitted it and I basically shoved the box in his direction and said you need to replace my birthday present, I don't want this opened box cos it was MY gift to open. Well, several days later he left a box of cheapo chocs in the kitchen, didn't say a word to me, but DP said they were for me. Gave them to son again and said I don't want this, I just want you to replace my bloody birthday present. Several more days and no action on my birthday chocs reappearing. He has money and time so I can only conclude he can't be bothered. It's not even about the bloody chocs but the principle of opening somebody else's gift, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Tinkerbellflowers · 09/10/2023 08:23

1988really · 09/10/2023 01:59

He has acknowledged his mistake ,you have a good relationship,so I personally as a Mum would pick my battles

I agree!

Summonedbybees · 09/10/2023 08:24

Everyone makes mistakes. We all do foolish things. I have done lots of things I am not proud of having done. Luckily, it has taught me to be tolerant of others. The best teacher I worked with apologised a lot to students . I never knew a student who didn't own up to a misdemeanour straight away to him because they knew he would treat them with kindness and understanding.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 08:25

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 09/10/2023 05:11

The message I would receive from that is “It’s just mum. She will be grateful for crumbs.”
I would be handing them back saying “I said a replacement, not a substitute.”

Absolutely this. He's taking the piss.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 08:26

Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 08:18

This is a battle to pick. Entitlement in adult males in a huge problem. Men putting themselves and their needs first, without consideration for others in the house is a problem. Men using things up and not bothering to carry the mental load of thinking how to replace them and then sorting it out is a problem.

This is a battle to pick if you want to teach your sons how to behave in a family, and how to treat the people you live with with respect.

Show quote history

Yes. I'd definitely pick this battle for this reason.

Catsmere · 09/10/2023 08:27

@Thewizardbinbag

Entitlement in adult males in a huge problem. Men putting themselves and their needs first, without consideration for others in the house is a problem.

It's not even needs, is it. It's wants. He felt perfectly entitled to take (steal, in my book) his mother's birthday present, and when called out, "replace" it with some cheap substitute.

mumto2teenagers · 09/10/2023 08:29

In our house we generally share chocolates that are given as gifts, although we would wait until the person who receives the gift opens them and offers them round or leaves them in the kitchen cupboard for anyone to open.

In your situation I would be a bit annoyed but would probably just offer them round to everyone else and tell you DS that he has had his share so won't be receiving any more.

Some of the responses on here seem extreme, taking his door off for example over taking a few chocolates which he admitted to.

ClairDeLaLune · 09/10/2023 08:31

YANNU and my DP would make him do it, if he’s his father (haven’t RTFT)

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 08:31

AutumnFroglets · 09/10/2023 01:40

Hold out for the exact replacement.

Depending on his age I would start not doing his laundry, not cooking etc. Go on mum strike. If his money is from pocket money the withhold it until you reach the correct amount etc.

Don't give in otherwise it will continue.

Oh ffs! Over a few sweets?
The lives some people lead…

willWillSmithsmith · 09/10/2023 08:33

Oh gosh I’ve stolen my kids chocolate lots of times, I’m a very bad person 😳

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 08:33

AuntieJoyce · 09/10/2023 08:10

Gosh. I always thought we chose our own partners. I didn’t realise they were allocated to us.

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Gosh. You’re right. Best you tell all those women on the relationship board that it’s their fault for choosing badly.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:36

@NalafromtheLionKing

a) there weren’t his to take. He was being entitled. He’s old enough to know better. It’s not on.

b) have you never been in Hotel Chocolat? A box of chocolates absolutely can be expensive. Unless you’re minted and don’t class it as a lot of money?

Summonedbybees · 09/10/2023 08:37

@willWillSmithsmith
So have I, although neither of them care have a sweet tooth so they always hand their gift chocolates straight to me. I once made the mistake of confessing to a love of Maltesers and Crunchies. I am so often surprised with a gift popped through the letter box or inside my bike basket.

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 08:38

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 08:33

Gosh. You’re right. Best you tell all those women on the relationship board that it’s their fault for choosing badly.

Show quote history

How does swiping a few chocolates make you a shit person, unworthy of an adult relationship?
Such hype.
Bet you run your home like a military academy. If you imagine you’re turning out fine upstanding specimens who’ll be an asset to their future partners you may be in for a disappointment yourself.

AuntieJoyce · 09/10/2023 08:39

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 08:33

Gosh. You’re right. Best you tell all those women on the relationship board that it’s their fault for choosing badly.

Show quote history

Too late then but yes of course it is. I’ve done it myself with the shit choices I’ve made in the past.

No one forced me to move in and have children with a chocolate stealing manchild.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:39

@TheHappinessEnigma

nah I think a male raised by that poster would be a great partner - someone who isn’t entitled, shows respect etc. no?

Luciansmum6 · 09/10/2023 08:40

Newbieatthis · 09/10/2023 01:44

He's nearly 16 and is normally a really kind and decent boy, I thought we had a good relationship!

Him opening your chocolates and then replacing them with something cheaper constitutes not having a good relationship to you? Good lord 🙄🤦‍♀️ he’s a teenager- just read some of the posts on people actually struggling with teenagers and thank your lucky stars this is your only problem.

TheHappinessEnigma · 09/10/2023 08:42

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:39

@TheHappinessEnigma

nah I think a male raised by that poster would be a great partner - someone who isn’t entitled, shows respect etc. no?

It’s just a few chocolates to a dustbin teenager…
Unless there are wider issues which op hasn’t mentioned.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:44

@TheHappinessEnigma

no it’s not “just a few chocolates”…

they are expensive chocolates bought as a gift for op
not his to open and eat

it’s about respect

BatteryPoweredMammy · 09/10/2023 08:44

Summonedbybees · 09/10/2023 08:19

My children know we would give them anything we could. I fantasise about winning the lottery to help them payoff their mortgages. Both are lovely, respectful and married ten plus years. I hope my grandchildren grow up knowing that whatever goes wrong in their lives, we are always there for them.
A lot can go wrong in life, illness strikes unpredictably. Many Children have SEND problems or mental health issues and struggle to cope. A box of chocolates seems so minor. I tried hard when they were teenagers to forgive and forget. They grew into lovely adults and I am so proud of being their Mum.
I am a teacher, lovely kind parents have lovely kind children.Parents who hold grudges and are quick to punish often have children who tell them nothing and can't wait to get away.

You're actually a teacher??? Oh dear, how very disappointing!

You do know that all lessons starts at home and the OP is TEACHING her child a very valuable life lesson here.

Thank goodness for parents like the OP. 👏

Batalax · 09/10/2023 08:46

YANBU

Where it went wrong though is dh bought them in the first place on behalf of the teens. They need to be reminded and nudged in the the right direction but they actually need to do the buying and paying themselves. Eventually they shouldn’t need to be reminded. That’s the aim.

Kick up a huge stink now to make sure they remember to think of other peoples feelings. Ask him how he would like it. And if he doesn’t get it, do the same to him with some of his belongings. It’s a really important lesson teens need to learn.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/10/2023 08:46

@Bluetrue

This is your son. He ate some chocolates. You are a grown adult moaning like a 5 year old. Unbelievable.”

I know right?! How dare OP “moan”?
doesn’t she know that as a woman she has to smile and be calm and happy all the time no matter how people treat her?! Silly OP

WeWereInParis · 09/10/2023 08:47

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/10/2023 06:52

Bloody hell, I would have opened them
and shared most out to the kids anyway so a non issue for me.

Yes but that would be you deciding what happened with your present.

I assume if your child was given a box of chocolates for their birthday, you wouldn't open them and eat some while they were out?

Rosykitten · 09/10/2023 08:47

I'd be annoyed too but I think if he's usually good then it's a slip of a typically self-centred teenage brain. I wouldn't be rude to him though, "shoving" the box back and swearing etc isn't modelling respectful behaviour. I would be explaining why (without anger) it isn't acceptable/fair of him to do what he's done. It's part of his social learning, it would be as important that he truly understands why it was out of order/disrespectful and feels sorry about it than just buying a physical replacement. All he'll learn from that is that if he can afford a replacement then take it and money can buy another one afterwards, but it can't buy back annoyed feelings.

Janieforever · 09/10/2023 08:47

Personally I think you’ve made the point and should now sit him down and talk to him about it. It was a disrespectful and entitled thing to do. And to be honest the cheap alternative wasn’t much better.

but I think the points been made.

Pleasebeafleabite · 09/10/2023 08:47

Appearing in mumsnet madness in 1-2-3 Grin