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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/10/2023 00:01

So- you’d be giving to them first?

Nah- choose something else

Tinkerbyebye · 09/10/2023 00:02

Sounds fine to me, no point them desperate for something they can only use once a month

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:03

@Dotcheck i mean I could give it Boxing Day instead - that doesn’t bother me.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 09/10/2023 00:14

I think it's a good idea, otherwise they won't have their most wanted gift nearly all the time.

N0KIA · 09/10/2023 00:23

Usually I would say dont step on toes and let mum give the gift first. However they see the child 12 days a year and wont let them take things "home" with them. I say give it Christmas eve.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:27

@N0KIA Yeh it’s is an issue because it’s not something I think you only want to use once a month.
( handheld game console )

OP posts:
beachdays27 · 09/10/2023 00:30

Tricky - if they don't get it from you Xmas Eve you don't want them to be disappointed they're not getting it, but giving Boxing Day would avoid stepping on mum's toes...

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:32

I know I did suggest we did a joint present for it and they were able to have it Xmas day at their house to give, but they didn’t go down well 😂

OP posts:
beachdays27 · 09/10/2023 00:36

You've offered a compromise, mum has said no, I think I'd give it Xmas Eve. Hopefully they'll be excited to get it again Xmas day and play with it. And if you tell mum that's what you intend to do hopefully she won't feel you've been underhand.

BungleandGeorge · 09/10/2023 00:41

that’s a very unusual set up, do you have PR? I’d probably be concerned about rocking the boat if not

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:50

@BungleandGeorge yes I do. I do find taking over the co parenting a hard one though.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 09/10/2023 00:54

Could you not get something similar/ same but different? Blue bike instead of a green bike, etc

Or get it for birthday?

MumDadBingoBlueyy · 09/10/2023 00:56

I’m assuming it’s a Nintendo switch? Not sure how they work, but could you talk to mum and both have a console but buy different games?

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:59

@MumDadBingoBlueyy yes it is. That would be miles easier if I could buy the console and her the games because then I could buy different games for home.
as I have no issue with them taking whatever Is theirs to their mums so they could have one console and it could travel.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 09/10/2023 01:03

I'd suggest one console that travels and different games.

Codlingmoths · 09/10/2023 01:05

It sounds like they are lucky to have you, and yes definitely a good idea to buy it too, for the 29 days a month they are with you.

NewName122 · 09/10/2023 01:10

No that sounds crap. No child wants the same main present for Xmas. The child wants to be able to use the main present when they like. Tell mum if they can't use it at yours then don't buy it. Or if you buy it again don't let that be the child's main gift from you, get them something else also. It's not a gift if they've already been gifted one.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 01:14

I think the main issue is - that this is how it worked between the mum and their dad. Everything was seperate including them having to change clothes on arrival or before they left so no clothes ended up in the wrong houses.
2 bikes 2 scooters 2 lots of clothes etc

OP posts:
ChimneyPot · 09/10/2023 01:16

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 01:14

I think the main issue is - that this is how it worked between the mum and their dad. Everything was seperate including them having to change clothes on arrival or before they left so no clothes ended up in the wrong houses.
2 bikes 2 scooters 2 lots of clothes etc

That sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic for the child. Can you just break with it now as the child is with you the vast majority of the time.
Buy the child the gift and give it to them on Christmas Eve.

crumblingschools · 09/10/2023 01:17

If you do get it, I would give it on Boxing Day, and make that your Xmas. Maybe get a different game. If mum won’t let him bring the gift she gives him to yours then she can’t complain that you get the same thing for him, if that is what he really wants.

Are there other children on your side? Could it be a family present? And then he gets a smaller gift from you as well

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 01:18

@ChimneyPot I totally agree and thought it was ridiculous but there was issues between them both. I am trying to slowly bring us more together for them but it’s not working !

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 09/10/2023 01:23

It seems you want to make the relationship with the mum as good as possible, it's obviously not the child's fault she is difficult and won't let them bring things to your house. DSC will work all this out as they get older too.

If mum won't compromise I think you should buy a console for your home too. Whether you give it Christmas Eve or Boxing Day I'm not sure - giving first might feel like you get all the excitement but equally child may be unhappy with mum at having to leave the console behind to come home? If you can let mum think of the consequences of her choice she might be more willing to broker a deal

CallItLoneliness · 09/10/2023 01:33

I would buy it for the child, and give it to them on Christmas Eve. Let Mum know that that's what's happening, and that you are fine for the child to take it back and forth. Up to Mum whether she wants to duplicate, given the madness of no shared stuff between houses, but this approach might sort out some of that nonsense.

SoShallINever · 09/10/2023 01:44

I don't know how to say this without sounding patronising but you are a blooming angel OP.
One day your DSC will realise how much care and support you have provided for them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2023 01:46

CallItLoneliness · 09/10/2023 01:33

I would buy it for the child, and give it to them on Christmas Eve. Let Mum know that that's what's happening, and that you are fine for the child to take it back and forth. Up to Mum whether she wants to duplicate, given the madness of no shared stuff between houses, but this approach might sort out some of that nonsense.

That’s not a bad idea. The mum is acting appalling. Poor kid.