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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:15

Tbf although the agreement was always every other Xmas I think this year might be the only year it’s actually going ahead but was always apart of an order.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:16

@Sugarfree23 that’s good to know ! Is it a subscription fee ?

OP posts:
Mummumgem · 09/10/2023 08:18

So are you doing Christmas presents Christmas Eve ?, if you are then I would give it to him then, if you don’t he will be disappointed you didn’t buy him what he wanted, then upset Christmas Day because he can’t bring it home.

whenever you give him his present, then definitely buy him what he asked for, it’s what his BM has set up,( 2 if every thing ), he will be pleased he has one at both houses. He will be so disappointed if he only gets to play with his favourite present on a few days a year, and bring a switch that really will cause problems in the future.

AmyandPhilipfan · 09/10/2023 08:18

I think I would do what a pp has suggested and explicitly ask birth mum if the console can travel between the houses.

If she says no then point out that this means he will only get to use it twelve times a year, and it will affect him spending time with her as he will be focused on the console and not on her as he gets to use it so infrequently.

If she still says no then I would say 'ok, that's fine but as this is the one thing he has asked for I'll get him one for at my house as well.'

And if you're doing Christmas Day on Christmas Eve then so be it, he gets to open yours first. Depending on his age I might remind him when he goes to Contact to act grateful for his mum's and not brag that he's already got one.

aSofaNearYou · 09/10/2023 08:18

I would just be honest and blunt with the mum - don't beat around the bush, you're raising her child for her.

Tell her the child really wants a Switch and will inevitably, like most kids that have one, want to play it much more than once a month, so you will be getting them one and it would make much more sense for them to get them something else (games being the best idea), but it's up to them.

StampOnTheGround · 09/10/2023 08:20

I'd be saying to the mum, you can gift the switch but it needs to travel because they'll want to use it most days, not just once a month.

If she doesn't agree to that, say you will also be gifting it them then and will be giving it on Christmas Eve.

This woman sounds ridiculous, especially for the fact you are literally raising her child.

Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 08:21

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bloodyeffinnora · 09/10/2023 08:29

you sound lovely OP, I would ignore whatever he's getting from BM and give him your present on xmas day, why should he be deprived of this present on xmas day to save her feelings, it's about the child not her, if she wants to go ahead and get him one too that's up to her.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:39

Thank you I will speak to her again and if not will go ahead and buy it.
@Broccoliforever no it’s unlikely to be the case anytime soon.
supervised has been in place 5 years.

OP posts:
Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 08:40

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:43

they were in dads care since a few months old I already knew their dad before they were born.
we then got together when they were 1 but I helped look after from a few months old which is how we actually got together !
Hope that clears it up.

OP posts:
Beamur · 09/10/2023 08:44

I think if you have a situation where items can't be shared across two homes, then it makes sense to have one item in each house..
If you think it's going to cause a fuss - can you give it on boxing Day instead?

Hummingbird233 · 09/10/2023 08:46

Don't piss on mums parade, that's not nice. Even if you are the main guardian.

Hold back the gift and give it the next day you're with them after Xmas. That way mum doesn't get upset (and therefore child) but they still have it at both houses.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/10/2023 08:54

SoShallINever · 09/10/2023 01:44

I don't know how to say this without sounding patronising but you are a blooming angel OP.
One day your DSC will realise how much care and support you have provided for them.

Absolutely, she’s amazing!

Dutchesss · 09/10/2023 08:57

Don't piss on mums parade, that's not nice. Even if you are the main guardian.
It's not about the mum, it's what's best for the child. Why disappoint a child to spare a stubborn adult's feelings?

Winifredduck · 09/10/2023 09:03

I would give them a few things to open on Christmas eve, and if they are disappointed about not recieving the object hint about there still being Christmas day. In general I would try hard not to make your Christmas eve the child's "Christmas day", as that is not fair on the mum. You can still have a special time together.
I would also buy the desired toy and give it to them when they get back from their Mum's.

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/10/2023 09:05

You clearly care a lot for your DSC, so in your shoes I would bite the bullet and let his bio mum offer him the present first. It will be a nice time for them both, and for the child a good memory of their parent caring for them (I assume they might not have that many if they see them only once a month).
I wouldn't even give it as a present, I would just state that I had bought a duplicate for your house, and get them something completely different. But of course you could also offer it on boxing day.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/10/2023 09:05

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:39

Thank you I will speak to her again and if not will go ahead and buy it.
@Broccoliforever no it’s unlikely to be the case anytime soon.
supervised has been in place 5 years.

I think that is best and be clear that if she doesn't agree that's fine but they will get one for both places. Give her another chance to be reasonable. It would be such a waste to buy 2 and the games are expensive as well but it would also be unfair to get dc something like this that they could only use once a month! A good compromise would be one buys the console and the other buys games, carry case, online membership or any of the other accessories they may need/want. The dc is lucky to have you!

ElFupacabra · 09/10/2023 09:06

Please stop explaining your set up and the details, no one needs the ins and outs. I suspect broccoli was trying to catch you in a gotcha moment, I’ve seen pathetic posters like them before. Trying to catch you in a gotcha moment and then backtrack under the guise of “filling in the blanks” which didn’t need filling in in the first place. But fwiw you sound brilliant, your dsc is a lucky boy.

With regards to the gift, when are you planning on doing presents? I’d definitely get him another one, if you’re feeling generous I would keep it until Boxing Day. BM doesn’t sound very concerned about what is best for the child so I’m not sure I would be as concerned with stepping on her toes as you but you sound like a better person than I do 😂

If he logs into his “account” on his mums console, would that be linked to cards so he could buy games? Only concern would be if he didn’t log out / delete passwords could she access and buy stuff from his account and OP ends up paying for it?

Imagwine · 09/10/2023 09:10

If mum knows the options, then it’s up to her isn’t it. But I wouldn’t want him waiting till Boxing Day being disappointed.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:11

@ElFupacabra haha she can try catching me out I’ve been here a while mumsnet knows :)
so with the account situation if they had 2 switch’s and one account they could log in both switches ? Or would they need 2 Seperate accounts ?

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startledbypostmodernity · 09/10/2023 09:12

Maybe this is overcomplicating things, but...

She buys the console. You put the money for the console in an envelope. When he "borrows" the console to play with it at your house, you give DM the money as part of the handover. When he brings the console back to her DMs, she gives you the money back. Repeat. It's basically an insurance policy if she's worried he won't bring it back to hers?

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:14

@startledbypostmodernity that money Would never make it back to my house 😂

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MrsMarzetti · 09/10/2023 09:16

Buy the gift and give it to them on Boxing day, he will be so upset to have had to leave it at his mums after only having it for less than a day. He will be delighted to receive another one that he can use at home. Well done you on looking after this little boy, glad someone has his put him first.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:16

Tbf when I wrote this post I was not to bothered about hurting her feelings
I was more concerned about DSC opening the same present twice. 🙈

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