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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
Smileatthesmallthings · 09/10/2023 10:20

How likely do you think BM is to actually get one? Could you get one of the ones that plugs into the TV so you can play it as a family rather than the switch lite which is an individual console, therefore making it a 'family gift' rather than specific to one person so it doesn't have to travel to mums, especially if you're wary of it not coming home/getting 'broken'.

I don't know but it seems like you're doing a very good job in very difficult circumstances.

HarpieDuJour · 09/10/2023 10:21

Is there any chance that the mum will flake, and not actually buy the promised Switch at all? I wouldn't want to risk him being disappointed, especially since this seems like the first Christmas since his dad died.

Is he old enough to talk to in general terms about this> Could you ask what he thinks would be best for special presents, so there is a plan in place?

MadeForThis · 09/10/2023 10:23

Two switches is safer in the long run.
Imagine the mum didn't buy one and he had none for Christmas.
If you buy it and it moves between houses it could be sold or the mum could refuse to return it. All drama the wee boy doesn't need.

sandyhappypeople · 09/10/2023 10:25

Greysofa · 09/10/2023 10:20

I would buy the item and give it to them Xmas eve when you are celebrating your Xmas. If his mother wants to be difficult and not allow him to bring it home with him, then it seems unfair to the child. If his reaction is a bit of a let down to her when he opens the duplicate gift on Xmas day, then that’s hard luck for her really. If she can’t be adult enough to put her son first, then I would suggest that whatever way you give him the same gift isn’t going to go down well. Also, is she reliable? Will she actually get home what he’s asked for? Imagine how he may feel if he does t receive the gift on either day.

If his reaction is a bit of a let down to her when he opens the duplicate gift on Xmas day, then that’s hard luck for her really.

Why subject the child to a potentially bad atmosphere on Christmas days of all days just to get one up on the mother?

I wouldn’t give it as a ‘gift’ at all and certainly not on Christmas Eve.

tachetastic · 09/10/2023 10:38

Would it be really disruptive to the rest of your family if you did Christmas on Boxing Day rather than Christmas Eve this year? If you explain to DSC early enough they should accept that.

That way DSC gets excited by the console on Christmas Day, and when they come home to you they maybe feel a bit sad that they had to leave their toy behind, but then excited when they get another they can play with all month.

Doing it this way around, getting a duplicate gift is a bonus and a good thing, rather than the other way around where getting the duplicate gift second at his mum's house when he is hardly ever there is a bit pants.

But I know swapping Christmas to Boxing Day would be a big deal for you and you probably have other family it would impact. Just thinking of the best outcome for the little one.

Bluela18 · 09/10/2023 10:40

I think if it's childs turn with his mummy this Christmas ,even if she does only see him once a month then it's her choice what the main present is. Im sure there is lots of toys/ games your grandchild will love from you and be happy playing with. I would not get the same present twice for the same Christmas , maybe its something child can play with as a treat at mums when they visit her. Even though I see the point that it will be for mummy's once a month, it's just a games console and I'm sure there are other toys childs mum will get for child they only play with once a month. Perhaps next Christmas you could get an xbox, PlayStation or other games console?

MsMcGonagall · 09/10/2023 10:43

The only tweak I'd make to your plan OP, is, not to call the Boxing Day switch at your house a "gift" at all.

So, give your DS a different main present, at the same time as your other DC get their main presents. Obviously try to find something that doesn't break the bank, but feels reasonably equivalent to your other DC. Kids don't look at price tags, maybe buy something second hand.

When they get back from their BM's, let them know that you've got hold of a switch that they can use at your house. Could get the switch second hand too... therefore be able to say that it was handed on by someone or something.

Karatema · 09/10/2023 10:44

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:03

@Dotcheck i mean I could give it Boxing Day instead - that doesn’t bother me.

This. Give it Boxing Day, if you can afford to give a small present Christmas Eve.

pontipinemum · 09/10/2023 10:45

It's only October, do you this she will actually buy it? If she does have it, do you think she will still have it?

It's a tough one, depending on the age of the child and your financial situation. I might give him a totally different main present this year from you. If he wants his Nintendo outside of when he visits BM maybe buy him one then (hopefully 2nd hand online or in a sale)

Can I say though you sound wonderful and in years to come your son will understand all you have done. Might be completely out of order saying this, but just touches on something from when I was a child. I hope you let him call you mum. I never was able to call my main care giver mum and it hurt. I do call my BM mum now in the last few years.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 09/10/2023 10:48

When we had a very similar situation, we just got a ps5 "for the house". Could you do some iteration of that?

I wouldn't try too hard to coparent with chaos to be honest. We have a once a month mother too. Currently going through one of her "I'm healed/blessed/lifes a meme" phases which is worse than when she's entirely absent to be honest... Currently on tenterhooks waiting for the next crash and burn.

You have my sympathies.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/10/2023 10:51

Let mum give it too him and give yours too him after Christmas.

Babyghirl · 09/10/2023 11:03

@Hummingbird233
Why not piss on the mums parade, she never thought of the child that much to get them removed from her care.

@Imjusttootired
Buy him one, mum lost all control the min child was taken of her, you give him it on Christmas eve, and if mum asks tell her she shouldn't be so dame childish and put her child first for once. Don't tip toe around her scared to hurt her feelings, it's the child that matters not her, so your putting the child first something she failed to do.

Justaboutalive · 09/10/2023 11:09

Ok, my view is lie. Lie through your teeth and don’t let anyone else know.

in the next few weeks win (buy) a console. Let the mother know in time she can buy lots of games instead. Tell her you just want to coordinate games, but you’re happy for her to give it, but it has to go back and forward.

how lovely to win something that’s wanted for once! How fortuitous.

Takeyourfaceoff · 09/10/2023 11:11

Op, you are this child’s only parent. You are the one person he can rely on day in day out. Give him the console when you are celebrating Xmas. IF he gets another one from his bm then so be it. Only you will know how likely she is to actually get him one. His bm has clearly made no attempt to improve the situation she is in. She has had YEARS to prove she can put him first and has made no effort to do so. It’s tough co-parenting with someone who can’t put the child first.

You are an amazing human! I’m sure as your dc grows he’ll learn just how awesome his mama is. Keep doing what you’re doing and all of your dc will grow up to be kind, loving, compassionate, caring, individuals.

Sugarfree23 · 09/10/2023 11:12

Dutchesss · 09/10/2023 08:57

Don't piss on mums parade, that's not nice. Even if you are the main guardian.
It's not about the mum, it's what's best for the child. Why disappoint a child to spare a stubborn adult's feelings?

Read the whole post the poster is suggesting he has one in each house. But for Op to give hers Boxing Day.

KookyAndSpooky · 09/10/2023 11:26

I think people that are saying to not worry about the DM's feelings perhaps haven't grown up with a volatile parent. It isn't about protecting the DM's feelings, it's about protecting DSC from enduring a stroppy/miserable/toxic DM on Christmas Day.

Another option OP, you could let DSC know that you/Father Christmas (perhaps he sent a letter?) has organised for their main gift to be sent to both homes. You can still keep it as a surprise this way, but it prevents DSC from experiencing disappointment on Christmas Day when they realise that they can't take the console home.

I don't know if it's the case as I don't have a Switch, but if you have the same account on both devices then you should ensure any bank card details are not accessible. It sounds like the DM cannot be trusted at all.

sandyhappypeople · 09/10/2023 11:27

Babyghirl · 09/10/2023 11:03

@Hummingbird233
Why not piss on the mums parade, she never thought of the child that much to get them removed from her care.

@Imjusttootired
Buy him one, mum lost all control the min child was taken of her, you give him it on Christmas eve, and if mum asks tell her she shouldn't be so dame childish and put her child first for once. Don't tip toe around her scared to hurt her feelings, it's the child that matters not her, so your putting the child first something she failed to do.

Because it's not about the mum, it's about the child, if pissing on the mum's parade could cause her to create an atmosphere and have a shit day with her son who is it that's really being punished here? The child of course, through no fault of their own as usual in these cases, it's just not worth the risk, to what end?

There's no need to goad or 'tell' the mother anything, she wants the households separate and to be honest I think that is the best way in cases like this, let her do what she's doing and OP can do what she's doing, but there is absolutely no point trying to point score or teach lessons, the mum is obviously an unstable and inadequate caregiver, OP doesn't need to one-up her to prove a point, and there's a child in the middle of this, they're all that matters.

IMO the console should be given after xmas day and not as a gift.

BalletBob · 09/10/2023 11:30

Babyghirl · 09/10/2023 11:03

@Hummingbird233
Why not piss on the mums parade, she never thought of the child that much to get them removed from her care.

@Imjusttootired
Buy him one, mum lost all control the min child was taken of her, you give him it on Christmas eve, and if mum asks tell her she shouldn't be so dame childish and put her child first for once. Don't tip toe around her scared to hurt her feelings, it's the child that matters not her, so your putting the child first something she failed to do.

Right, and when the mother kicks off or lays it on thick about sad she is and how OP stole her special gift for DC etc, how do you think that will affect this poor child who has just lost their dad?

It's still his/her mum and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is real. Even kids who have shit parents still love them. There's bound to be some very dysfunctional emotional dynamic here between the mother and DC.

I can never understand when people prioritise the need to win a battle over the emotional well-being of a child. The child should come first and if that means the mother happens to get her way, so what?

OP sounds very attuned to DC's needs so I'm sure punishing the mum won't come into it for her.

Isheabastard · 09/10/2023 11:49

Depending on the age of the child, I would buy a small gift to open on Boxing Day and ask if they want the same present for sole use at your house.

Is it at all possible the mum may relent and allow him to bring it with him to yours?

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 12:08

Just to clarify my aim is not to annoy BM I literally have no energy or need for that.
my aim to ensure that they get what they wanted but without restriction.

OP posts:
LorW · 09/10/2023 12:11

CallItLoneliness · 09/10/2023 01:33

I would buy it for the child, and give it to them on Christmas Eve. Let Mum know that that's what's happening, and that you are fine for the child to take it back and forth. Up to Mum whether she wants to duplicate, given the madness of no shared stuff between houses, but this approach might sort out some of that nonsense.

This.

also, OP, you are wonderful ❤️.

pastypirate · 09/10/2023 12:16

Get the console and give it on the new year. More to the point you have assumed the care of a child of an ex partner who has left. You are an amazing person x

Laurdo · 09/10/2023 12:36

I think it's absolutely fine to buy in duplicate. My DSD got the same Xmas gift from both us and her mum last Xmas. We have 50:50 custody and don't share things between houses. She had other extra gifts so it wasn't like both present opening experiences were identical.

towriteyoumustlive · 09/10/2023 13:10

Would it be possible to meet with the BM for tea and cake to discuss it?

It's a lot of money for her to spend on a gift that will be only at her house and used just 12 days a year. Also, surely she actually wants to spend some quality time with her DS rather than having him on a games console whilst at hers?

Could you not buy the console for him to use at your house, then she could get him a day out somewhere so the two of them can have a fun day and build some memories???

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 13:12

@towriteyoumustlive i really don’t think she would have cake with me unfortunately. To her I am the women who “ stole “ her DC.

I will try and mess around with idea of Boxing Day and other kids main on Xmas day etc

OP posts: