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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
Darkmode2 · 09/10/2023 09:42

I think the mother is being ridiculous not allowing him to take it home with him. It'll hardly be used, what a waste of money

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:44

So what about this

on Xmas eve we have Xmas ( other children )
I give them all their non main presents / Santa stockings etc.
do not give the switch or other main presents.
i then gone the other their main presents on Xmas day.
and just have the switch set up in DSC bedroom for when they return and just say it was an extension of the gift they received and explain how to access both ( when I work that out )

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 09/10/2023 09:44

Don’t be a dick and give it to him
before the mother does. Let him have a nice memory from his own mum that he only gets to see 12 times a year.

I’m guessing, given the contact is supervised, his own mum isn’t safe enough to see more often @Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink. It’s the mum’s responsibility to give him nice memories given she only sees him monthly. She’s abdicated parenting her own child to another woman, she doesn’t then get to decide the manner in which the child is parented.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/10/2023 09:44

How likely is it that the Switch stays at DM's house, iyswim? Any chance that it'd end up sold/lost/whatever? And will she actually buy the thing in the first place or is it likely to go wrong before?

And how old is the child? Presumably 7 or older for a console to be a thing (just thinking of my six year old...)

I think I'd "move" xmas to Boxing Day this year and yy, give another of the same console (among other gifts? Gift card to choose games?) so he actually has use of it often. Make christmas eve about new pyjamas, a christmas movie etc.

Sending love to you navigating this very difficult situation.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/10/2023 09:47

on Xmas eve we have Xmas ( other children )
I give them all their non main presents / Santa stockings etc.
do not give the switch or other main presents.
i then gone the other their main presents on Xmas day.
and just have the switch set up in DSC bedroom for when they return and just say it was an extension of the gift they received and explain how to access both ( when I work that out )

Will the switch be his main present from you? If so I’d give it as a gift rather than setting it up - otherwise he may feel he didn’t get a main gift from you. This year is going to be tricky, I’m assuming it’s the first year without your DP in which case I’d literally do whatever let’s you get through it with peace and care.

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 09:48

Wouldn't they be disappointed by having the same gift though? I would get it for them on a different date. Birthday perhaps if they still want it by then. (Or for a good school report or something )

When I was a child my dad bought ne the same Pewsey as my mum. I reviewed it boxing day. I've never forgotten. I was so upset

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:48

I think my issue is with moving it to Boxing Day is that DC won’t understand that ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:49

@Maddy70 that was my actual concern but things turned towards BM instead on the thread

OP posts:
1month · 09/10/2023 09:51

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 09/10/2023 09:27

Read the thread

The partner (dad) has died

Edited
Show quote history

I meant about telling the mum she’s buying it and putting the ball in her court to decide whether to buy a 2nd one or not.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/10/2023 09:53

I think my issue is with moving it to Boxing Day is that DC won’t understand that ?

You know your kids best, but in our house (six year old and preschoolers) it'd be "We're doing something different this year. On Xmas eve we'll.. On Xmas day we'll.... And on Boxing Day we'll wake up in the morning and see what Santa has brought/open our presents."

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 09:55

You could make the games your present to him. And then also give him a Consol to play on ... make the games the bigger deal (if that makes sense ?)

cellarst · 09/10/2023 09:55

It honestly doesn't matter. What matters is this child has you who thoughtfully loves them. Give the present you want to give them in line with your families Christmas Eve tradition. This 'mother' can't even get her act together enough to have her kid unsupervised. Honestly I wouldn't even try to coparent. I'd parallel parent. The focus on Christmas is absurd by a woman who doesn't even have unsupervised access!

fourelementary · 09/10/2023 09:55

I think your idea is great to do the other stuff except main gifts on Xmas eve. Your own children’s main gifts on Xmas day but then I’d definitely still wrap and gift the new console as a main gift for DSC when they come home. I think once you have a Nintendo account they’d need to sign in the same on both accounts… but my dd thinks if he’s downloaded a game on one it won’t be available on the other one.

BalletBob · 09/10/2023 09:56

My DH had a similar-ish situation as a child. Not as challenging as what your DC is facing in lots of ways though.

His father also didn't allow him to take items home, despite that being where he spent 99% of his time. There was a thing over bikes one year. His dad made a big show of buying this fancy bike but then wouldn't let him take it to his mum's house, so his mum also bought one. Otherwise he wouldn't have had a bike except for a couple of Saturdays a month.

DH will always say that he's very grateful to his mum for letting him figure out what a twat his dad is by himself. That's not to say she didn't try and protect him where she could, but there were lots of times when she chose not to dig her heels in, or chose to avoid a standoff, because she knew that to stand her ground (however justified she would have been) would have placed DH at the centre of a conflict and would have given ammunition to his father. Her desire to "win" the fight with her exH was secondary to her desire to make things easier and calmer for her son. Whatever the situation, DH loved his dad as a child. He would have been deeply distressed to think of his dad feeling disappointed or hurt, even though as an adult he can see that this was a very unhealthy dynamic and his dad was just being manipulative and using these kind of situations to try and garner favour with DH and undermine his relationship with his mum. Shitbag.

So I think in your situation, I would let mum have her moment and give the console on Christmas day. I would move my "Christmas day" to Boxing Day and give the duplicate console then. There's potentially going to be a short period of disappointment for DC where they realise they can't bring the console home, but that will be quickly rectified when you do your gifts on Boxing Day.

If you sneak in and give the console first on Christmas Eve, you will create a whole load of conflict with DC's mother who will likely drip poison in their ear. It's possible that this will be extremely upsetting for DC and lead to crushing guilt - guilt that their mum is upset, guilt that bad things are being said about you. The gift will be ruined. It's still his/her mum and it's a complex situation. If you act with grace here, your DC will understand for themselves one day and will see the situation for what it is.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 09/10/2023 09:57

I’d give it on Boxing Day - because the issue is that if you give it on Christmas Eve then you have to decide whether he can take it with him on Christmas Day (as most kids I know would want to!) and then either if he does take it you (I’m guessing) have the worry of it not returning, or if you say he can’t take it, you look like the mean one.

I think your idea of everyone getting smaller presents together, then big presents on Christmas Day/Boxing Day sounds good.

Really difficult situation OP, which you sound to be handling with a huge amount of patience and grace. It can be hard to keep your focus on what’s best for the children when things get this complicated but I can see that you’re doing well.

Pinkyhere · 09/10/2023 09:57

Stepping aside from your issue with the present.
I think you're a wonderful person to be bringing up someone's child in these circumstances. Really incredible

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 09:59

@fourelementary thanks I will do some research.

OP posts:
User562377 · 09/10/2023 10:01

In the kindest possible way, you're over-thinking this now.

You haven't said, or I've missed, how old dsc is but I guess they're old enough to understand that there's something a bit different about their relationship with their mum. They probably understand that things stay at different houses, a games console from their home with you stays at their home with you.
They will still be excited to receive the same from their mum and will understand that this one stays with their mum. So they'll be happy twice.

Maybe they'll be extra happy to have something fun to do during contact with their mum. If it's supervised it's maybe not the most relaxed so he'll be happy to have a switch to play with there.

Keep your Christmas how you've been planning it. Give your presents when you were planning to.

As for the online account, you can link 2 consoles together so if he's on level 41 of a game at your house he can jump right in to level 41 at the same point on his mum's console. But don't do that. Just keep them separate. Don't worry about that at all. He'll be fine a few hours a month on a different level.

Sounds like the more you keep things clear and separate the better.

You sound like a lovely person, you're obviously putting a lot of thought into how to make this as easy as possible for dsc. But it's a shit situation for him on many levels, there's only so much you can do.

bridgetreilly · 09/10/2023 10:02

He gets it as present from mum on Christmas Day. Then, on Boxing Day, but not as Christmas present, with you saying this is so he can enjoy the Switch games at home too.

JustFrustrated · 09/10/2023 10:03

GlitteryGreen · 09/10/2023 09:23

Personally in this situation I'd be getting you partner to tell his ex that you'll be getting SC the Switch and giving it to them on Christmas Eve, so that they can enjoy it the majority of the time as you're aware she won't allow items to be brought to your house.

Then she is the one choosing whether to buy a 2nd or choose something else.

You've not read the thread.

The OPs partner has died. So there is no one else to tell her.

People are also focussing on the mother and not the child.

Op, buy the Switch and give it to them on Christmas Eve. They won't be disappointed to open two. They'll understand the dynamic perfectly .

I'd also not trust the BM would actually buy it.

fieldsatnightfall · 09/10/2023 10:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What is wrong with you? This is completely irrelevant to the OP's question. Stop being some nosey and inflammatory!

FooFighter99 · 09/10/2023 10:09

The only problem I can see with giving the Switch on xmas eve is DSC then wanting to take it to his mum's the next day - which might cause upset when you say no, it lives at your house - as he won't know he's also getting one at mums.... tricky situation @Imjusttootired but you'll figure it out

fieldsatnightfall · 09/10/2023 10:09

I would get one just incase Mum doesn't actually bother. Then give to him on Boxing Day as an extra gift. Is sh likely to actually get one?

pacificoceanwhale · 09/10/2023 10:17

You are an angel OP.
I would give on Boxing Day. Get a few small stocking fillers on Xmas eve and let them know there will be a nice surprise on Boxing Day.
I think it might be nice for DSC's sake to get it from his DM 'first'

Greysofa · 09/10/2023 10:20

I would buy the item and give it to them Xmas eve when you are celebrating your Xmas. If his mother wants to be difficult and not allow him to bring it home with him, then it seems unfair to the child. If his reaction is a bit of a let down to her when he opens the duplicate gift on Xmas day, then that’s hard luck for her really. If she can’t be adult enough to put her son first, then I would suggest that whatever way you give him the same gift isn’t going to go down well. Also, is she reliable? Will she actually get home what he’s asked for? Imagine how he may feel if he does t receive the gift on either day.