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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

253 replies

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:00

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 09/10/2023 01:58

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 01:14

I think the main issue is - that this is how it worked between the mum and their dad. Everything was seperate including them having to change clothes on arrival or before they left so no clothes ended up in the wrong houses.
2 bikes 2 scooters 2 lots of clothes etc

I had a boyfriend who had a 3yo son who’d arrive in the dead of winter with a thin little t-shirt and bare arms and shoes too small for his feet.
So I took him shopping and bought him 2 winter coats, proper shoes and plenty of proper clothes.
The next weekend he arrived without any of his new things and bare arms again.
So I took him shopping again and bought everything again — only this time we kept it all back.
This was when my boyfriend told me that his son’s mother had issues with alcohol and drugs. I can’t imagine punishing your child thinking it will get back at your ex-spouse.

Jerseygirl2023 · 09/10/2023 02:02

Hi Op, apologies if this is nosey? And maybe the details I’m looking for aren’t relevant. I’m just trying to understand the dynamics. Are these your step children you have custody of? But dad isn’t in their life anymore? Did you used to be together with the dad or mum?

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 02:05

@Jerseygirl2023 I was together with their dad and we had full custody. We lost their father this year and I was granted custody via legal route.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 02:08

We have recently moved away from contact centre and to visits in the home which I agreed with.

OP posts:
KookyAndSpooky · 09/10/2023 02:17

Your DSC is very lucky to have you. It's a real shame that their mum couldn't work with you to make Christmas feel more in sync. I would go ahead with the duplicate present but I'd gift it to them on Boxing Day to keep the peace.

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 03:23

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 00:59

@MumDadBingoBlueyy yes it is. That would be miles easier if I could buy the console and her the games because then I could buy different games for home.
as I have no issue with them taking whatever Is theirs to their mums so they could have one console and it could travel.

What would happen if you ask the BM if she will allow the console to travel to your house? If she says it won't happen, I would tell her that you will need to get him one also, so he can play with it more than once a month.

And, if she says "no," that explains a lot of why she doesn't have primary custody. Where is DC father? Do you have other DC?

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 03:32

CallItLoneliness · 09/10/2023 01:33

I would buy it for the child, and give it to them on Christmas Eve. Let Mum know that that's what's happening, and that you are fine for the child to take it back and forth. Up to Mum whether she wants to duplicate, given the madness of no shared stuff between houses, but this approach might sort out some of that nonsense.

If you don't give it to him on Christmas Eve, the poor child will spend Christmas sad as he will know he can't bring his gift home. If his BM won't work with you on this, give it to him on Christmas Eve and tell him to keep it there so it stays safe and because you will have something to go with it on Boxing Day. Then he can get one at his BM's and she can't pull any crap like keeping both of them. Then, for Boxing Day, give him an extra game or accessory for it, like a case or ear pods.

His BM sounds like a real piece of work.

Also, my sympathies to you and your DSC on the loss of your DP, his DF. That must be rough for all of you. 😢

Nanaof1 · 09/10/2023 03:34

DreamTheMoors · 09/10/2023 01:58

I had a boyfriend who had a 3yo son who’d arrive in the dead of winter with a thin little t-shirt and bare arms and shoes too small for his feet.
So I took him shopping and bought him 2 winter coats, proper shoes and plenty of proper clothes.
The next weekend he arrived without any of his new things and bare arms again.
So I took him shopping again and bought everything again — only this time we kept it all back.
This was when my boyfriend told me that his son’s mother had issues with alcohol and drugs. I can’t imagine punishing your child thinking it will get back at your ex-spouse.

Show quote history

I have heard of this many times. I cannot fathom how someone can use their child, that they are supposed to love, as a pawn in some sick little revenge game or because they want to fuel their addiction.

luckysonofagun · 09/10/2023 06:30

Id message mum and say you are also getting gift here so they have it at both houses but get different games?

echinaceadreams · 09/10/2023 06:37

I'd do it on boxing day tbh but yeah sure

Jerseygirl2023 · 09/10/2023 07:42

Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 02:05

@Jerseygirl2023 I was together with their dad and we had full custody. We lost their father this year and I was granted custody via legal route.

Sorry for your loss, Op ❤️

Limonatamum · 09/10/2023 07:43

Not sure on financial status so this might not be doable, but I would buy one ‘for the house’ as a spontaneous gift outside of Christmas. You could even tell a white lie and say someone else (parent?) gifted it to you/your step child. I would probably avoid pitting yourself against the mum for the Christmas gift itself!

Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 07:46

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Floppyelf · 09/10/2023 07:46

Sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like at some point you will be fighting to adopt him fully? I would give him the present on christmas day.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/10/2023 07:51

I would consider getting online membership so that when he goes to her house he can still access the same games. Assuming he is old enough to understand I would explain the situation so that he knows he will be getting a switch at home on Boxing Day.

Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 07:56

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TheDisgustingBrothers · 09/10/2023 07:59

@Broccoliforever Doesn’t take a genius to figure out that contact centres likely only came about AFTER the OP’s husband passed away and she was granted custody.

the alternate Christmases and two of everything was likely from the time prior to that…

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:02

@Broccoliforever because not me but parents ( bio mum and dad ) had a different court order.
which for obvious reasons is now not in place.
contact was always supervised but over the years has been a mixture of supervised at home and contact centres depending on level of needs at the time.
when we went to emergency court at the beginning for nee court order ( as I was not apart of the court order ) it was contact centre until appropriate supervisor could be sorted for home visits again.

All the court orders between them are now mute.

OP posts:
Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 08:03

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Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 08:03

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Keepingthingsinteresting · 09/10/2023 08:05

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What does this have to do with the OP’s question ? Absolutely nothing is the answer- reading between the lines there is obviously a sensitive issue here, so stop being nosy!

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 09/10/2023 08:07

@Broccoliforever because it needs to be supervised, at the time a section 7 was taking place to be held and temporary order was in place for them to remain at home.
during the time in which the 7 was taking place it was deemed a contact centre was the best option ( there has been times in the past where contact centre was also used if the person supervising couldn’t make it etc )
now there is a supervisor in place it can be gone visits again.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 09/10/2023 08:10

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Why are you being so nosy. What you are asking has nothing to do with OPs question. I've seen you do this on lots of threads. It's like you are trying to somehow catch the OP out or derail the thread.

Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 08:12

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Sugarfree23 · 09/10/2023 08:13

Op it all sounds very complicated.
Second thoughts, he needs a Switch at your house, that you are in control off, what the Mum does is up to her.

To use the downloaded games / subscription service they need to be the same account.

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