To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

[Imjusttootired]

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

Just buy him another one. Don't share accounts, he's only there 1 day a month, he'll manage without his usual games for one day. Don't ask the mum if she'd be willing to let him bring it home with him or share it.
Keep everything as simple as possible.

Give your gift to him whenever your Christmas Day is.

Don't piss on mums parade, that's not nice. Even if you are the main guardian.

To be honest the mums feelings would be pretty far down my list given she isn’t remotely parenting her child and presents enough of a risk that contact has been supervised for 5 years. She can’t put her child first in letting them take a much wanted gift home with him which is the only reason the OP is in the position of trying to work things out. The OP is giving her far more consideration than the mum is giving her own child.

The only consideration here should be the child and what will work for them. I’d give him his gift when you’re doing all the other Christmas gifts, that way he can go to his mums secure in the knowledge he has the console at home where he can use it. If that bursts mum’s bubble so be it, it’s not about her.

All this shit about not upsetting bm from other posters. She is so bad she needs supervision to have her son and this has been going on for at least 5 years and she hasnt dragged herself out of whatever hole she is in.

I would simply call her up and say she can get the switch if she wants, no problem but if she is going to be awkward and selfish and not letting him bring it between houses then you will be getting him one too and he will get it xmas eve. tough shit.

Also, if this is the usual set up then i suspect he will be fine opening 2 as he is already used to this nonsense from bm

I can only comment that this whole situation sounds very difficult for the child. I know you are the decent person here but my goodness the courts are obviously struggling with this situation.

Personally in this situation I'd be getting you partner to tell his ex that you'll be getting SC the Switch and giving it to them on Christmas Eve, so that they can enjoy it the majority of the time as you're aware she won't allow items to be brought to your house.

Then she is the one choosing whether to buy a 2nd or choose something else.

@travelallthetime i think usually it wasn’t a big deal because they never asked for anything specific and was not really completely aware of Xmas where as this year they are totally aware

also this year is new because although I have always been a carer to him I never dealt with the co parenting side of things so all of a sudden I’m now the one making decisions that I would never have a hand in before.

I would have told the mum you had already bought it and so she needs to get something else.

If that ship has sailed then I’d let her buy it and you get something else.

Then look for a 2nd hand one/one in the sales after Xmas because they’ll all come down in price then.

(He may even be allowed to bring it to yours if you give it a few weeks which will save you buying one 🤞)

@Strictlyfanoftenyears court thankfully has been pretty straightforward despite me being nervous at first.
I didn’t really have to “ fight “

I would do this too.
Say you’ve already got it and put the ball in her court.

Read the thread

The partner (dad) has died

The switch is actually the perfect console for this situation but it needs to be set up at yours! Then they can just lift from the docking station and take with them for that one day a month. You don't need to move the whole thing back and forward.

Ah apologies, I missed this.

Still, I'd do the same, but I'd tell her yourself then. It's silly for her to spend so much money on something that's played once a month, and for you to then have to spend it again.

I can’t see any issue with it OP.

Split family here too - we are a blended family so there are sets of everything else at DSC mums too - for example PS5 here and one at Mums. My ex however buys absolutely bloody NOTHING for our kids so they take things from ours to their dads - I’d love for him to buy things for them at his house!!!!

The issue we have is that my ex doesn’t look after anything my kids take - for example if they broke/lost their Nintendo switch at their dads he wouldn’t fix/replace - so it’s always a big risk whenever they take anything expensive. And trust me - I’ve have £100s worth of stuff go missing!!!

I don't quite understand your setup but will say I remember one year when I got the same present from my mum and my dad (who were very estranged) at their separate Christmases and it was a bit heart-breaking. I wasn't allowed to take presents home from my dad's house so I just lied to both of them and pretended I'd been given something else from the other parent. (It was a Peaches 'N' Cream Barbie). It's really hard for kids caught up in this situation. It also meant I didn't love the Barbie any more.

Christ @GlitteryGreen & @1month read the thread - the OP’s partner has died, hence she is in this situation now.

There are some other dim people on this thread too. OP I’m so sorry for your loss and the headfuck of dealing with your DSC’s mother who sounds like v hard work.

The child’s needs should come first so personally I would give them their switch on Christmas Eve to avoid the disappointment and upset from thinking they won’t get one or will only be allowed to use one day a month.

The ex’s feelings shouldn’t come into it, she’s an adult, she should be doing what’s best for her child. She’s clearly not, but you are and you sound amazing.

and yes maybe some different games and a subscription Boxing Day. It doesn’t sound like she’ll see sense about sharing the switch between houses although that is a great suggestion from PP if that’s at all possible. But if not I’d take it as that ship has sailed and do the best for your child, which you clearly are. 💐

Presumably she's an addict or something.

I would buy it at yours and give it Xmas eve on ‘your’ Xmas. This means that he can set up the account and everything so if he then puts his account into the second switch (assuming that’s what this is) then it is the secondary switch, not the ‘main’ console. This means that save data etc can be shared between them but only one switch will be the primary console- this is loads easier if it is the one primarily kept at your house!

I’m assuming you are getting the ‘real’ switch, there is a possibility she would get the switch lite, which is a smaller version of the initial console- so a more portable travel thing rather than something he can play on/off tv.

TLDR: I’d try and find a way to give the primary console to him first. Hopefully he’s old enough to be grateful and not “I’ve already gone one” for the duplicate present

Sorry I’m still confused by the subscription ?
do you need one in order to play ?

Don’t be a dick and give it to him
before the mother does. Let him have a nice memory from his own mum that he only gets to see 12 times a year.

It sounds like you're doing your very best in a really difficult situation OP. In this case, I would buy one too so they can access it at 'home.'

I wonder if the BM sees it as a way of getting her child to want to go to her more often?

If their mum does in fact give it for Xmas day, I wouldn’t give yours as a present at all, I’d just tell you DSC when they come back from mums without it that you’ve got one they can use at home, or you can go shopping in the sales for one (bit more exciting for them to choose games etc)!

if it doesn’t materialise that mum has got them one, give yours as a present instead.

either way I would do different ‘presents’ that you are giving though, just make them less expensive to accommodate also buying the switch, I doubt they would know anyway.

DO NOT give yours Xmas eve, I can’t understand so many people saying that, it’s such a dick move that only runs the risk of harming the adults relationship more than it is already. The mother may be annoyed/angry at OP for raining on her (previously agreed upon buying 2 of everything) parade, I wouldn’t care about that I’m itself, but any bad feeling caused may ruin the day for DSC.. it’s not worth the risk.. and to what end? Nothing good can come of that.

No @Imjusttootired you can put in the game and play straight away.

In lamens terms;

You will need an account to set up the switch. This account will be on the primary console and can be used to download games or sign up to the internet for online play at a later stage (not strictly necessary but will be fun and can get lots of older games/play Fortnite etc.)

you can use this same account to set up a second switch. The switch will know this is a secondary console and main decisions will need to be done on the primary one

the switches should be able to ‘work’ with each other in terms of save data- if they don’t then it just means he’ll have to start from where he left off at yours

Yanbu absolutely get the same present. Dsc would be so disappointed if the thing he wants most he can only use 12 days a year.

You think the OP is the potential "dick" in this scenario??? The 'd'm Refusing to let her ds take his presents home is the dick move here.