To buy the same gift for DSC as their mum

[Imjusttootired]

Hi
will give a bit of backstory - DSC is in my care young primary school aged.
goes to his mum one night a month.
father is no longer around.
DSC has asked for something specific for Xmas ( we do rotate Xmas and birthdays so this year Xmas day is actually with mum )
they are desperate for this one particular thing we are celebrating Xmas eve.
now the issue is that the item they want their mum has said they are buying.
my only issue is - it would not be allowed at mine and so apart from 1 day a month they wouldn’t be able to use it.
it does mean though they would get the same main present twice in 2 days !

I have not read all the comment but it does not eplain why mum lost custody, was it mh? Drugs? I know of mothers who lost children because abusive partners got their way in court, so this really means nothing on its own.

@Wouldyouguess well as the dad has died in this case, surely the mother would fight for custody as he is no longer around to fight it, if she was considered a fit mother

There was no domestic violence but I shouldn’t need to explain why they are with me, If they was not me they would not be with her either. They would be in care and actually I supported her for contact !
I allowed 3 x per month and they see them once a month.
just because I’m not blood doesn’t mean anything they have will always be my child.

You’re in a really tricky position, which must be hard work and hard to navigate so well done! The fact that you’re worrying about this and the information you’ve shared about your DSC’s set up makes me think it would be best to get something else as your Christmas Eve gift, but also one of these main presents waiting for your DSC when they get home.

I don’t say this because their mum deserves some kind of free pass, but because I feel it may be very tricky for the (young) DC to navigate opening this present a second time with mum and I would worry about how their Christmas Day would feel for them if they weren’t super excited or if they spent the whole day saying they had one of these at home already etc. It seems a recipe for upset and feelings of guilt on the child’s part, which can really ruin a gift.

Obviously it’s not right that this could be a worry - their mum should be able to put them first too, especially as she turned down your offer to go halves etc. But it seems a definite possibility as an outcome and it’s one I’d want to avoid for the child’s sake in your shoes.

Side benefit could be that their reluctance to leave said device when they leave mum’s (before they are aware they have one waiting for them at home) could potentially help you re-open the conversation about sharing items between households, if that’s something you’re interested in pursuing.

(Also - a word to the wise, start out with some very clear boundaries on the use of the device and stick to them religiously, so you don’t spend your whole time in a battle to get them off it!)

After reading all your posts I would say yes definitely buy, and totally pointless their mom buying them one if they will only use once a month. How ridiculous on their mom’s part not yours.

Regardless who birthed them you are their mum.

I've been the one with PR in the middle of the 2 parents op and I sympathise with your position.

Or you were just trying (unsuccessfully) to catch OP out 🤔 @Broccoliforever

I suppose it would depend how you ‘do’ Father Christmas. In our house Father Christmas would not bring something as big as a switch… that would definitely be from parents/ grand parents… FC does one present £50 max and a stocking of bits and pieces..
are you planning that ‘father Christmas’ will be bringing his presents on Christmas Eve morning ? Are you pretending that the evening of the 23rd is the ‘Eve’ and doing stockings etc? If so I would do all the Santa presents and enough bits and pieces from you on the 24th… depending on the ages of the other children and this child’s age you will need to judge if they will workout they have ‘less’ at this point… let them go to BM and get a switch… then when home on 26th say you ‘found’ another Father Christmas present for them under the tree and explain it that you spoke to FC and decided that you don’t want them to only have the switch once a month… so you clubbed together to get another one…

@MichB86 yes ! 😂
no one can have a differently life to anyone on mums net.
step parents are also the devil !

Mother sounds splendid but if she's getting it and they're spending Christmas day there, I wouldn't buy it at this point.

I think buying it and giving it them on Christmas Eve looks like smacking her in the chops deliberately to ruin Christmas day at hers and you don't need that and it doesn't sound like it would be your style.

When is the child's birthday? If it's after Christmas but not too long that would an ideal time for you to buy the second one.

If the birthday is say June and the child has sufficient understanding of the whole dynamic then maybe, maybe give it to him on Boxing Day?
I see it's an big gift for a non-celebration but I might think of doing that.

I'd aim at presents on Boxing Day unless you're hoping to start or have a Christmas Eve tradition. Get them a game (but not as main pressie or they won't have anything they can play with on the day). It shows a good relationship between the people who are supposed to be his parents (even if there isn't one) which is good for their emotional well-being and doesn't spoil the surprise of what they're getting from mother.

Finally, find out if she's buying the switch or the switch lite.
Hopefully it's the lite because you can then get the switch and play up that they have different benefits. The lite is just one player handheld. The switch is the one with the docking station and removable handsets so you can play 2 player games. It also allows you to play online with your mates which would probably be more use at your house than hers.

If it's the switch, not the lite and you do get a second, I would say to her that you felt child would be able to play online with mother in the future with mother using the one at her house. Either that won't happen or it will and it'll be a safe way for them to interact.

Happy Christmas!

Getting your other child to ask for it as a family gift is a brilliant idea, well done. It sounds like a great way around everything. I'm so sorry for your loss, your DSC is so lucky to have you. I hope everything goes smoothly and you all enjoy Christmas.

OP I think you are amazing and I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
I haven’t RTFT, but I think I have read all your comments.
If I’m right, this may be your first Christmas without your DH, the child’s father? If so please just do whatever makes things easiest for you and your family (obviously including SC).
One word of caution, I tried to be the bigger person for the first Christmas after my divorce when DC was probably a similar age. There was just ONE a thing they really, really wanted, so I suggested exDH got it as their relationship was struggling.
He promised he would, the box looked the right size and shape, but when DC opened it, it was something else 😞. DC was so,so sad. (And I had to make up some story and get it myself a few days later)
If the Switch is a big deal, just make sure DC gets it in the way that makes most sense for them

Honestly? If I have gotten this right, you're either stepmum or stepdad but have had to step in to be the primary parent as both are awol (apart from the 12 days per year with mum) it seems that you are the only one prioritising the child's needs. You have offered a compromise and it was turned down, and you said the suggestion didn't go down well. To save any aggro, and especially to save the child having to listen to any snide comments that might be made on Christmas day I'd just keep it by for boxing day. A little Christmas eve box with some goodies would be enough, and tell them there will be another gift on boxing day. The last thing I would want to do is jeapordise the few days dsc gets with mum by giving the same gift if mum won't react well to it. I'm sure the kid will realise eventually that not being allowed to bring presents home to where they actually live and spend most of their time is spiteful, but for now I would just keep the magic of Christmas time alive for them. Unsure what age they are but you could say santa left it for them.

Well after all that - we get a text last night changing Christmas dates due to other family arrangements.
can’t say I’m not relived that I will have all the kids at home !

@Imjusttootired can I just say, you sound amazing!!! Everyone who wants to know the nitty-gritty of why this child is with you is just being nosey... it's such an unusual situation, I'm sure it can't have been easy for anyone.

I'm delighted for you and for all the DC that you're going to be together for Christmas, and that your DSC will get the Switch from Santa.

That’s a result! Happy news!

I don’t think people think step parents are all the devil, I do think there are a lot of step children around like myself, I’m in my 40s now, but purposely being made to feel live you’re not part of the real family and/or you have a mentally abusive SP, can really affect your relationships and confidence throughout your life and tbh it’s easy to spot certain traits and attitudes of step parents on these threads, if you’ve lived through it you will know what I mean.

I think you’re very much the exception, there’s absolutely no hint of anything self serving about any of your posts and you seem totally dedicated to making sure all the children are happy, I’m not sure why you’d be getting any negativity at all.

have a lovely Christmas!

@Imjusttootired I just wanted to say that you sound absolutely amazing, your DSC is incredibly lucky to have you to provide care, love and stability - and what lovely siblings they have too!

To those posters banging on about the BMs feelings - who gives a toss what she thinks, she lost the right to have any opinion at all when she was deemed unfit to parent by the courts! There are obviously BIG reasons for that, and you absolutely should not have to justify yourself to them. It's incredible to me that despite all the stress, you're still a good enough person to try and navigate that relationship for the sake of your child.

My question was going to be whether you're sure the Switch would even appear from the BM anyway, but I've seen the plans have changed anyway (her child being put first again - not!)

So have an AMAZING family Christmas with YOUR CHILDREN, you are amazing and I literally wish I could be more like you ❤️

I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing person!!! Not sure why step parents get so much grief, I know some amazing step parents!

We have 2 switches and I have an account I can access on either. It does check you aren't already logged on on the other one when you connect. You can have an account for free that you can just use to log in with and buy individual games or their are 2 tiers of subscription. Wouldn't necessarily bother with the subscriptions if not a heavy gamer.

I may not have understood properly.

You are step mum, dad isn't around and child sees mum once per month.

Do what the f you want? You are the primary care giver? The other woman just gave birth...

Hi lovely,
here’s a thought - there’s different versions of this handheld games console right?
possibly a main version and a “lite” version - could you find out which version mum is getting and get the other one?
both play the same games and even if they’re downloaded from the eshop he would be able to play them on either console.
Just an idea so you’re not getting the exact same thing.

If your DSC is used to having two sets of items, then I would give him a few smaller gifts on Christmas Eve and tell him that you're saving the main gift for Boxing Day. It's quite nice to spread out the gifts really. If his mother doesn't allow him to bring the one she buys him over to yours, then you can surprise him on Boxing Day although if you've historically bought two of everything then it won't be that much of a surprise for your DSC or his mother? Get some different games so it won't seem like an exact duplicate present. I don't think there's any need to worry about this, I'm sure you've co-parented much trickier issues! And how lucky your DSC is to have you.

Sorted!

But Jesus poor child. Did he know he was meant to be having Christmas Day with BM? I hope he's not upset that she's cancelled on him.

I totally get the relief on your part. And it makes it easy for his gifts. I hope you have a lovely Christmas. Your doing a tough job.

BTW I got reasonable deal last year straight from Nintendo less than a week before Christmas. Someone decided to change their mind at the last minute!

Result! 😊