Page 9 | Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

Lightthatnevergoesout · 2023-10-08T18:57:24+00:00

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about. Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day. Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids. We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together ! AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 12:52

I honestly appreciate the advise and can see that I should be firmer especially since I am the one who carries most of the mental and often physical load of trying to be a good host.

Of course I would prefer my husband to set up those boundaries as its his family and it affects him more than me when he loses his own space and has to spend evenings in silence with his dad on a sofa. But then again it was this way last December and here we are in October and he hasn't said nothing to him yet.

I messaged about the dates and he agreed to change his booling and come for 2 days less.

OP posts:

T1Dmama · 09/10/2023 12:53

I think you just need to structure your days more… plan some cheap activities - walks around the Christmas market, or to a pond/park etc… take kids to soft play, so what you normally would and simply just invite him a long.

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 13:01

T1Dmama · 09/10/2023 12:53

I think you just need to structure your days more… plan some cheap activities - walks around the Christmas market, or to a pond/park etc… take kids to soft play, so what you normally would and simply just invite him a long.

On his last visit we met up all together with some of our family friends with children too because that would have been our normal day. We went to the museum and then for a quick lunch. My FIL didn't deal well with it because my friend's child was having a tantrum and it made him somehow extremelly anxious and he kept on whispering nasty comments to my DH along the lines 'who invited these people etc', 'this boy is ruining our day'. Which then led to a big argument between my DH and him in the evening about that fact that we were just meeting our friends and any kid can have a tantrum and he was acting childish etc. I felt uncomfortable as I was worried that my friend would hear his comments.

He is not good with people outside of our family and gets very socially anxious and says passive aggressive comments.

So in many ways this is what makes it harder than it has to be for me. Because unfortunately as a doormat I often have to do things to avoid these confrontations or situations. Yes, I know I shouldn't be a control freak but I just don't want my kids listening to that. FIL had a completely different rough upbringing and he is alright one on one with the kids as he loves them dearly.

OP posts:

sandyhappypeople · 09/10/2023 13:10

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 13:01

On his last visit we met up all together with some of our family friends with children too because that would have been our normal day. We went to the museum and then for a quick lunch. My FIL didn't deal well with it because my friend's child was having a tantrum and it made him somehow extremelly anxious and he kept on whispering nasty comments to my DH along the lines 'who invited these people etc', 'this boy is ruining our day'. Which then led to a big argument between my DH and him in the evening about that fact that we were just meeting our friends and any kid can have a tantrum and he was acting childish etc. I felt uncomfortable as I was worried that my friend would hear his comments.

He is not good with people outside of our family and gets very socially anxious and says passive aggressive comments.

So in many ways this is what makes it harder than it has to be for me. Because unfortunately as a doormat I often have to do things to avoid these confrontations or situations. Yes, I know I shouldn't be a control freak but I just don't want my kids listening to that. FIL had a completely different rough upbringing and he is alright one on one with the kids as he loves them dearly.

Show quote history

He is not good with people outside of our family and gets very socially anxious and says passive aggressive comments.

So in many ways this is what makes it harder than it has to be for me. Because unfortunately as a doormat I often have to do things to avoid these confrontations or situations.

But you wouldn't consider the blimmin' obvious solution which is to not invite him to go with you in the first place to places and situations that he obviously doesn't like and can't cope with?

Besides he's given you the perfect 'out' right there, so if he questions why you're going without him this time, just say 'you didn't enjoy it last time you were here Fred and in fact you embarrassed me in front of my friends' 'we'll see you when we get back'. Then just stick to going out with him to things he and you as a family would enjoy together.

It's not hard OP, you're making it deliberately excruciating, I've seen more backbone in a jellyfish.

Choux · 09/10/2023 13:12

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 12:52

I honestly appreciate the advise and can see that I should be firmer especially since I am the one who carries most of the mental and often physical load of trying to be a good host.

Of course I would prefer my husband to set up those boundaries as its his family and it affects him more than me when he loses his own space and has to spend evenings in silence with his dad on a sofa. But then again it was this way last December and here we are in October and he hasn't said nothing to him yet.

I messaged about the dates and he agreed to change his booling and come for 2 days less.

Well two days is a win. Hopefully you can have a couple of days of family fun as a foursome after he leaves / before he arrives.

I get the impression there is nothing at the house next door for him to eat and drink? So to get his morning tea he has to come over? Give him some basic provisions so he can be at home for a bit in the morning / evening.

I hear what you are saying about the mental load / stress of it all falling to you. It usually does - try to shift a few bits to DH. Before FIL arrives say 'could you find a couple of things outside the house that we could do with FIL while he is here'. Even if it's an walk in the park with a flask of coffee. Then when you get back you can say 'we are going to chill for an hour, why don't you have some tea and Christmas cake at yours for an hour and come over at 5 for some time with the kids before dinner?" That gives you an hour in the day to yourselves.

I feels for FIL as he seems to have a lonely life and seeing you is his big social event of the year. But he is overwhelming you with his constant presence. A bit less time with him every day will be easier to deal with. 7-23h is too much. 9-9h with an hour to yourself in the day would be so much easier. You could even say to DH that you take yourself off for one afternoon while DH holds the fort and then the next afternoon DH gets a few hours to himself. Tag team it.

Naunet · 09/10/2023 13:18

Choux · 09/10/2023 13:12

Well two days is a win. Hopefully you can have a couple of days of family fun as a foursome after he leaves / before he arrives.

I get the impression there is nothing at the house next door for him to eat and drink? So to get his morning tea he has to come over? Give him some basic provisions so he can be at home for a bit in the morning / evening.

I hear what you are saying about the mental load / stress of it all falling to you. It usually does - try to shift a few bits to DH. Before FIL arrives say 'could you find a couple of things outside the house that we could do with FIL while he is here'. Even if it's an walk in the park with a flask of coffee. Then when you get back you can say 'we are going to chill for an hour, why don't you have some tea and Christmas cake at yours for an hour and come over at 5 for some time with the kids before dinner?" That gives you an hour in the day to yourselves.

I feels for FIL as he seems to have a lonely life and seeing you is his big social event of the year. But he is overwhelming you with his constant presence. A bit less time with him every day will be easier to deal with. 7-23h is too much. 9-9h with an hour to yourself in the day would be so much easier. You could even say to DH that you take yourself off for one afternoon while DH holds the fort and then the next afternoon DH gets a few hours to himself. Tag team it.

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He’s a grown bloody man who works full time, he can go buy his own tea.

Pipsquiggle · 09/10/2023 13:23

Choux · 09/10/2023 13:12

Well two days is a win. Hopefully you can have a couple of days of family fun as a foursome after he leaves / before he arrives.

I get the impression there is nothing at the house next door for him to eat and drink? So to get his morning tea he has to come over? Give him some basic provisions so he can be at home for a bit in the morning / evening.

I hear what you are saying about the mental load / stress of it all falling to you. It usually does - try to shift a few bits to DH. Before FIL arrives say 'could you find a couple of things outside the house that we could do with FIL while he is here'. Even if it's an walk in the park with a flask of coffee. Then when you get back you can say 'we are going to chill for an hour, why don't you have some tea and Christmas cake at yours for an hour and come over at 5 for some time with the kids before dinner?" That gives you an hour in the day to yourselves.

I feels for FIL as he seems to have a lonely life and seeing you is his big social event of the year. But he is overwhelming you with his constant presence. A bit less time with him every day will be easier to deal with. 7-23h is too much. 9-9h with an hour to yourself in the day would be so much easier. You could even say to DH that you take yourself off for one afternoon while DH holds the fort and then the next afternoon DH gets a few hours to himself. Tag team it.

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I don't 'feel' for FIL - he sounds perfectly content about being alone

forrestgreen · 09/10/2023 13:36

Ask your Dh, if you had a magic wand what would Christmas look like. Do you want your dad to come. How many days for, how long each day. Pin him down
It's pointless the both of you living in angst

Then work out how to make it happen. This happens each year because it's not addressed.
Write a message together, then ask dh if he wants to send it or should you?

Only a rough outline
'Hi dad, thanks for you message, we hadn't realised it'd gotten that close to Christmas.
We'd like it if you could make some alterations to your booking please. My (dh) job has been really stressful this year and I/he needs a massive break at Christmas. So the most we can have you over is x days from x to y.
Also please can only pop round after 1pm as the mornings are needed for lie ins for us all. We're happy to cook dinner for you each day but might have to kick you out if we're having an early night. We realise these are big changes to our arrangements but hope that we can make this shorter time, a more quality family time. And as always the kids will look forward to seeing you very much. Op and Dh'

ASGIRC · 09/10/2023 13:45

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 07:02

The problem is we can't really have a break with him. I want a short break with my husband too during Christmas! His dad doesn't have any activities or interests of his own so it's difficult. If I go to the room he knocks to see what I am up to/ask what are we doing next. If the kids go to play quietly he knocks to see what they r up to . Even if we are in the bathrooms he knocks to see what we are up to and 'if its safe to come in'. Our house is not big enough for me to go somewhere and just be on my own.

My FIL as lovely as he is lived most of his life alone and doesn't understand how to give other people space. When its happening from 7 till 23 every day and I don't even have a chance to go take a bath it becomes too much .

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And I understand that, but TELL HIM.

Say "I am going for a nap now. Do not disturb! See you in a couple of hours!!".

Tell him "Do not come over at 7am. We need to relax and sleep. Come over after breakfast, around 10".

TELL. HIM! Which you HAVENT!

I get that having someone in your house at all times for 2 weeks is taxing. Of course it is! But you are making it harder on yourself than you have to.
I am sure the is a reasonable person, who is probably quite lonely. But YOU need to impose some boundaries.

You can do it! And it will be better for everyone once you do!

Farmageddon · 09/10/2023 13:52

OP from the sounds of it you are determined to not make your FIL uncomfortable, and make all sorts of allowances for him because you perceive him to be a difficult character, set in his ways etc.

Which is all very nice, but the flip side is that it seems to be making you incredibly uncomfortable. Which I'm sure he doesn't mean to do, but all the same you and your family are having to deal with the awkardness.

Can you try this year to do things a bit differently, you have already negotiate less days. What about being clearer when he is around that you have a schedule to keep or need to be busy doing certain things and don't have time to entertain him. Or better yet, have him babysit your children while you do something else - you said he is very good with them ,so put him to good use. It doesn't have to be all day, just find a few things for him to do throughout the day and leave him to it for a while. Or alternatively arrange for a few things for you to do and let him know that you need time alone.

You assume he will be affronted, but you don't know, maybe he will surprise you, maybe he just needs more firm instructions and boundaries.

mindutopia · 09/10/2023 13:54

"Ask your Dh, if you had a magic wand what would Christmas look like. Do you want your dad to come. How many days for, how long each day. Pin him down. It's pointless the both of you living in angst."

I think the above is good advice. What would happen with your dh if you just got in touch with FIL and said, sorry, we have plans, we can only do 3 nights? Honestly, this sounds like hell. I have to deal with it for like 5 days, but 14 days, and I would probably have a breakdown.

We get both MIL and BIL/his partner. They come to ours because none of us is welcome at MIL's because her partner doesn't allow her family to visit (in her own home, it's not even his home, this is a whole other issue). BIL/partner couldn't fit us all in at their house, but frankly, they couldn't afford the cost of hosting anyway, so have never offered. So the only way anyone would see anyone is at our house. But it's every bloody year. I never have a year when I just get to sit down and relax. But they are the same in that they don't really talk to each other much. Yet they insist on being together. No one really says much except about the weather or really general topics. Until someone (mostly MIL) gets roaring drunk (common on Christmas day) and cries about something from 20 years ago. And they come and sit and expect to be fed and watered for the week, 3 meals a day, plus snacks and booze, without contributing a thing.

It's tedious. I hate it. It fills me with anxiety every year. It fills dh with anxiety every year because he actually doesn't like spending time with them, even though he would never admit it. He'd want them visiting every month if I'd allow it, but then tries to hide and not have to talk to them when they're here. This year I've said, I can have them 3 nights and that's it. They can choose the 3 nights, but then they need to go, so I can actually enjoy my annual leave with my children and not spend it entertaining people who just want free room and board for a week. And when they are here, as much as possible, I disappear and do whatever I enjoy. Obviously not on Christmas, but on the in between days. If they want to stay, dh has to entertain them and they all have to look after the kids. 😂You may find that actually though your dh finds some solace in you setting the boundary if he is unable to do it for whatever reason. You may have to be the meanie, but it can save Christmas for you.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 09/10/2023 14:22

Are none of your children at school yet?
Why on earth was your FIL planning to turn up a full week before the school holidays even start?!
Can't you just say to him that you're all busy with work and school and Xmas shopping and other plans (trips, skating, whatever) until the 22nd or thereabouts?

And when he does arrive, he seems to be staying in the house next door....
Why can't your DH go and spend time sitting in uncomfortable silence with him there?
Why can't the children go round there to play with him?
Why does he need to come and sit in your house/ barge into your bathroom?
You could invite him to yours for meals at set times, on certain dates, and make it clear that you expect him to cater for himself at breakfast/ other times.
You could even suggest that he cooks dinner for all of you in his rented place at least once?
I liked a PP's suggestion that you get a huge jigsaw for him to do with his grandchildren, and again, would suggest that he does it in his place, not yours.

Make sure you invite your friends, and your children's friends, round to your house during the fortnight, and send your DH off to spend time entertaining his dad by himself during these visits. This will help him to better understand the problem, and hopefully develop better communication skills before next October.

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/10/2023 15:50

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/10/2023 21:59

First things first…I wouldn’t be happy with a guest for 2 weeks.

That being said @Lightthatnevergoesout you can change how you interact with the situation. Stop treating him as a guest and treat him as a family member.

“Hey Phil, here’s some money and a list of things I need from the shop. Thanks”
”Oof… bit of a headache today… I’ll be down for a nap”
”Mind watching the kids on Tuesday night, we’ve been invited to a work do”
”We’re going to the home improvement store tomorrow to pick up the paint for the hallway”
”How are you with a screwdriver…the hallway door hinge needs tightening”

Stop trying to get your DH and FIL to have deep conversations…like I don’t even know what that means. Let them grunt at the sports on tv and talk about the weather.

In other words just get on with it with him added to the mix. Plan a few things but other than that he seems pretty content to just hang out.

Perfect post

Choux · 09/10/2023 16:01

Gosh @mindutopia

We get both MIL and BIL/his partner. They come to ours because none of us is welcome at MIL's because her partner doesn't allow her family to visit (in her own home, it's not even his home, this is a whole other issue).
So she paid for the house and now he rules the roost? And at the expense of her relationships with her kids and grandkids? Yet presumably she won't kick him out for some reason? Loneliness, his pension?

BIL/partner couldn't fit us all in at their house, but frankly, they couldn't afford the cost of hosting anyway, so have never offered. But they are the same in that they don't really talk to each other much. Yet they insist on being together. No one really says much except about the weather or really general topics. Until someone (mostly MIL) gets roaring drunk (common on Christmas day) and cries about something from 20 years ago. And they come and sit and expect to be fed and watered for the week, 3 meals a day, plus snacks and booze, without contributing a thing.
I would downgrade your food slightly this year and when the moment is right say it's expensive to host every year, cost of living etc and perhaps everyone could bring something next year eg BIL and family bring booze, Christmas desserts and MIL bring Turkey and other meats. You will take care of veg, potatoes, breakfasts, cooking it etc. at least then you will just be annoyed that they are there rather than also annoyed at how much the sorry affair is costing you.

It's tedious. I hate it. It fills me with anxiety every year. It fills dh with anxiety every year because he actually doesn't like spending time with them, even though he would never admit it. He'd want them visiting every month if I'd allow it, but then tries to hide and not have to talk to them when they're here.
Bloody men love to invite their families and then let the wife deal with the planning, cooking, chatting etc. Good on you for putting your foot down.

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/10/2023 16:01

Unicorn2022 · 08/10/2023 22:17

How does he manage to rent the property at the same time every year? Is this his own property next door?

Your second question totally cancels out the first, Silly Billy.

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/10/2023 16:27

aloris · 08/10/2023 22:19

if your FIL and your husband argue, or your FIL gets mad because you watched Frozen with your kids 5 times in a row, or he dislikes eating ice cream for every lunch, or he disapproves of cheese sandwiches for tea, or he gets bored because you haven't planned "outings" then this seems all to the good because maybe then he'll decide not to stay so long next year. Do you and your dh even get to be intimate with your FIL around for your entire waking hours of your holiday? It just sounds like he comes over and ruins your kids' entire two weeks of holiday time by grumping and expecting to be catered to and treated like a whiny 3 year old who must always be given whatever he wants lest he have a huge tantrum. He's not bringing anything to the table, whether in grandpa-ness or dad-ness. He's just taking from all of you, including the kids.

I didn't get that FIL whines like a three year old or is demanding or that he ruins the kids' whole holiday. I didn't get that he grumps away, expects to get whatever he wants or has regular tantrums.

I did get that OP takes it upon herself to do much more than she needs to for a close family member staying so long. She may be following protocols from childhood Christmases where hosts went all-out for a couple of days. She needs to know she doesn't have to do this for 15 days straight.

Gymmum82 · 09/10/2023 16:39

Your husband is too spineless to stand up to his dad so you’ll have to.
‘Sorry Derek coming on the 15th doesn’t work for us as we have plans until the 20th so won’t be around until then’
‘On Sunday we’re going out with some friends, I remember last year you didn’t enjoy that as one of the children got upset so it’s probably best you entertain yourself that day and we’ll see you for dinner’
’Im absolutely shattered please don’t call round before 9am and we’ll be heading to bed by 10 so it’s probably best you head home then’

use your words if you continue pandering to him nothing will ever change and you’ll continue to be resentful

T1Dmama · 09/10/2023 17:10

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 13:01

On his last visit we met up all together with some of our family friends with children too because that would have been our normal day. We went to the museum and then for a quick lunch. My FIL didn't deal well with it because my friend's child was having a tantrum and it made him somehow extremelly anxious and he kept on whispering nasty comments to my DH along the lines 'who invited these people etc', 'this boy is ruining our day'. Which then led to a big argument between my DH and him in the evening about that fact that we were just meeting our friends and any kid can have a tantrum and he was acting childish etc. I felt uncomfortable as I was worried that my friend would hear his comments.

He is not good with people outside of our family and gets very socially anxious and says passive aggressive comments.

So in many ways this is what makes it harder than it has to be for me. Because unfortunately as a doormat I often have to do things to avoid these confrontations or situations. Yes, I know I shouldn't be a control freak but I just don't want my kids listening to that. FIL had a completely different rough upbringing and he is alright one on one with the kids as he loves them dearly.

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I don’t think you’re a doormat or a control freak…
Its a hard situation and we women often try to keep everyone happy!
You husband needs to ask his dad to come down for a few days over Christmas, or maybe a week, but not 2
weeks…. He needs to be the one talking to his dad, I don’t think you should be doing it at all, isn’t fair on you…. If it annoys him then he should talk to him.
maybe you should book and go out with your kids and leave DH home with his dad .. maybe then he’ll take control and speak up

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 09/10/2023 17:40

forrestgreen · 09/10/2023 13:36

Ask your Dh, if you had a magic wand what would Christmas look like. Do you want your dad to come. How many days for, how long each day. Pin him down
It's pointless the both of you living in angst

Then work out how to make it happen. This happens each year because it's not addressed.
Write a message together, then ask dh if he wants to send it or should you?

Only a rough outline
'Hi dad, thanks for you message, we hadn't realised it'd gotten that close to Christmas.
We'd like it if you could make some alterations to your booking please. My (dh) job has been really stressful this year and I/he needs a massive break at Christmas. So the most we can have you over is x days from x to y.
Also please can only pop round after 1pm as the mornings are needed for lie ins for us all. We're happy to cook dinner for you each day but might have to kick you out if we're having an early night. We realise these are big changes to our arrangements but hope that we can make this shorter time, a more quality family time. And as always the kids will look forward to seeing you very much. Op and Dh'

In all honesty he would want him not to come at all. He would want the 4 of us to go on a nice trip together where kids can have fun during the day and we can have wine and nice cheese in the evenings. Of course financially we can't do flat but just going to Christmas markets/theatre/coffee shops /watching movies together is brilliant for DH (and myself).

Their relationship has been bad for a while and to be honest FIL is at fault. He doesn't ask his son nothing about his work/health/ what his plans and goals are. All he talks about is kids and what they are doing each day and some sports.

Last year was particularly bad as my DH was quite sick with strep and needed antibiotics. It was just a few days before FIL was due to come so we were all tired but FIL insisted that he didn't care whether he was sick or contagious his holiday was happening anyway. He then gaslighted my husband repeatedly calling it a 'bad cold' . That's been their relationship most of Dh's life. They wouldn't even go to a pub together and I tried to arrange them 2 to spend time together so I can take a bath in my house or just go for a nap without answering questions 24/7. It doesn't happen.

Dh is only tolerating his father because he knows he got noone else and so the kids can have a grandad in their lives. Also FIL is 66 and his health is not the same so here is that too.

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 09/10/2023 17:53

So just tell FIL your family want to do all of that.....
Christmas markets/theatre/coffee shops /watching movies together

Tell FIL this is your plan - he can join in, stay next door, decide to come for a week or decide not to come.

The more you write about FIL, the more I think you should just say 'we've got lots on this year, please come for 5 nights' - yes it will be awkward the first time you mention it, but at least it breaks this bloody awful cycle.

Givemethereins · 09/10/2023 18:15

The thought of this is giving me hives...how in gods name have you both let this continue?
I would flee my own house if this was going to happen every year. How are you staying sane about this?

TeresaMayspants · 09/10/2023 18:22

I think one day you are going to snap. He follows you to the loo and lies on your bed with you while you read to your children. He comments on what you eat.

Theres only so much someone can put up with. One day you will blow your top at him and for him it will be unexpected and seemingly come from nowhere!

You are not doing him or yourself any favours.

Cherrysoup · 09/10/2023 18:30

You’ve asked him to come for 2 days less, you can ask him for more.

He follows you into the kitchen and the kids’ room and even asks to come in the bathroom? This all needs to stop, bloody well tell him! And while you’re at it, tell him not to knock before 10 so you can lie in. I would want to stab someone who did this. Your Dh needs to step up, I’d have no respect for someone who let this just carry on.

FreebieWallopFridge · 09/10/2023 18:39

Pipsquiggle · 09/10/2023 17:53

So just tell FIL your family want to do all of that.....
Christmas markets/theatre/coffee shops /watching movies together

Tell FIL this is your plan - he can join in, stay next door, decide to come for a week or decide not to come.

The more you write about FIL, the more I think you should just say 'we've got lots on this year, please come for 5 nights' - yes it will be awkward the first time you mention it, but at least it breaks this bloody awful cycle.

You’re more generous than me. Based the most recent updates, one out of OP and her husband needs to tell FIL he’s not coming at all

ironblancmange · 09/10/2023 18:43

I've only come on to this thread late but what you said about autism reminds me of my much older brother. I realized after he died that he must have been autistic.
Before that, I was teaching abroad and though I had long summer holidays, I had a lot of marking and preparation to do and really needed a break. Every year my brother would come for two weeks and want to follow me around shopping and doing all the things I needed a break from. I never succeeded in stopping him coming. It would have been too cruel. I didn't have a family or children though. Ideally we went for a short trip to another town or once a coach trip to Verona. This was something like 20 years of my life when I couldn't really relax. Looking back at it now I don't know what else I might have done. I am sorry for your situation.