Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

[Lightthatnevergoesout]

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about.

Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day.

Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids.

We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together !

AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

I’ve just read your post about how he doesn’t take hints.

I wonder if you can make small changes with practical explanations. Such as, “I am now having sleep problems that I did not have before and need to sleep longer. Please come at 9am.”

If he is not good with change, introducing it with an explanation of what is new and why can help. “This year we are newly interested in this film genre, so we will be having a film day.”

Guests generally come for a time that they are invited by the host and are properly hosted for the time they are there. Eg lunch or a weekend. A good guest will contribute to the time they are there by eg bringing wine, helping set and clear table, wash up, even peeling veg or prepping food, playing with kids and most importantly chatting to hosts so that EVERYONE has a good time.

Longer term guests should not expect to be 'hosted' constantly for 2 weeks. The longer the guest comes for the less formal the hosting needs to be and the more the guest needs to 'muck in'.

I've just stayed with family who have a 2 year old for 12 days (on another continent) and while there I did a lot of childcare / playing to give the parents a break, cooked one meal (would happily have done more), cleaned up after dinner most nights including vacuuming around the high chair, ate leftovers from meals that had happened before I arrived, chatted, went to the three regular playgroups the child went to with whichever parent was taking him. I just tagged onto their regular family life. Hopefully I will be able to go back in the next 12 months as I was a good guest.

Your FIL is not being a good guest so you need to give him some feedback on how he can improve. Help him to make his visits good for you.

It literally doesn't take into account that my own friends might want to come around one day or even stay over night

So tell him that now, and that when your friends are there he will need to make other arrangements.

Also tell him that he must not expect to come to your house before 9 at the earliest, and if he phones earlier than that to say he is on his way, remind him. Tell your children that they are not open the door to anyone. Be prepared to leave him and your DH sitting together in silence, it's up to them to make conversation if they want to.

You find establishing ground rules difficult - why? What would happen if you just did exactly what has been advised? What is the worst case scenario? Do you imagine he would think badly of you? Cry himself to sleep?

You are guilty of trying to control this man's feelings. You tell yourself that you are being polite and considerate but it's incredibly controlling all the same. Stop controlling.

At 8:45 pm you need to clear up, dim lights, and say, "Goodnight gramps, see you tomorrow at 10:30. We're off to bed. I'll walk you next door. Here's your coat."

There is no "easy" way to deal with this. You have as big a DH problem as you do a FIL problem.

As others have suggested, just absorb your FIL into the family for the duration. Don't go to any extra effort. Lol about in pyjamas (maybe some nicer ones though...) and have a movie and popcorn day with the DC. Go into the kitchen and make a cake with your DC, it go out for a cuppa with a friend and leave your DH and FIL in their glorified silence in the lounge room.

Maybe if you stopped trying to make it less uncomfortable for your DH your DH would finally do something about this.

Or maybe your FIL might be given a chance to come good if he because part of the hustle and bustle of normal family life? Given that the current set up isn't really working, what have you got to lose?

But you can watch movies with the kids and your DH and the FIL! Why cant you?
Hes there, not doing anything.
Just say "today is movie day, blankets and ice cream for everyone!

Honestly OP, you are making this harder than it needs to be.

Go have your naps, dont make conversation, just go about your day as you would if he wasnt there!

Youll feel better for it! You dont have to be ON all the time! Chill! Have a break even if he is there!

Ok, but then nothing is going to change and you will have to deal with this nightmare every Christmas for the forseeable future.

The only way this is going to be any different this year is if you implement some changes and stick to them. The other two players in this game have shown they are not prepared to do anything different, so if you want things to change it will have to be your behaviour that is different.

Either you be blunt with FIL and say we want some time without you, we don't want you to stay for that long only a few days. Or you carry on with your day while he is there and leave him to his own devices. Or option three you divorce your husband....

If your husband only sees his dad at your house,they'll never develop a functional adult relationship . It's pointless DH taking two weeks off work to Grinch with his dad at yours. Suggest DH takes only one week off this year and works 14 hour days the other week. DH should visit his dad alone, during term time,later in the New Year.With luck this brings matters to a head. Next year make it clear DH is only getting a week at Christmas and that's when FIL should visit.

How old are your kids? When do the school stop for the holidays? When do you and DH stop work?

The 15th sounds really early. I'd suggest "FiL please cancel the first week, wait until 22nd after kids are finished school". Blame it on kids are getting bigger more homework, after school activities etc etc.
Why not come for Easter/ Summer or we'll come to you. The good old MN saying "it just doesn't work for us"

Op no point moaning you need to suggest something that works for you.

I missed the bit where he’s knocking on the bathroom door when you’re trying to shower. That is not on! Your husband should be shutting that shit down, if nothing else. Honestly, that’s something small children do when Mummy is in the shower, a grown man should be able to wait patiently (and a gentleman would respect his DIL’s privacy).

Lightthatnevergoesout · Today 22:21

Just to say that I have no intention of fixing their relationship I have not got time or strength for that. I only start normal conversations because otherwise my father in law sits and looks in his phone and my husband is listening to his music in headphones.

I got 2 small kids and yes they enjoy the company of their grandpa as they haven't got that from any other grandparent in their life.

It's lovely for them to spend time with grandpa, you sound like a very loving DiL. But it's time for you to adjust things to suit yourself.

When my autistic nephew comes to stay, he gets a little anxious about his changed routine and wants to spend every minute with me / us. So what I do now is every evening we discuss the plans for the following day, and then he relaxes. Plans might be - 'you make your breakfast when you're ready and we'll see you at 10am for our trip to the shops', or maybe 'DH is cooking breakfast so you lay the table and be ready for 9am breakfast' etc. This works for all of us as he knows what he's doing and is quite happy to spend time on his own precisely because he knows when he will be seeing me or going out.

Would this work for your FiL? After dinner - 'OK night night dad, we're having an early night tonight and a lie in tomorrow as we discussed, so off you go to the flat now and we'll all pop over and collect you at the flat tomorrow at 10 for our outing. Here's your coat'.

And keep doing that. Don't answer if he rings the doorbell early, just message him and say we'll see you at 10am, as we arranged, remember, ' and stick to it. He'll soon get the idea.

As for DH, leave him and FiL to their phones and headphones, not your job to provide full-time engagement. Go off and see your girlfriends for a couple of hours, and when you come back, tell FiL goodnight and you'll see him tomorrow, then go upstairs and let his son deal with him.

The knocking on the shower door needs to stop instantly. 'Go away I'm in the shower.' Then refuse to answer further. When you're out and dressed, speak to him immediately about it - 'FiL, I'm really surprised you'd try to interrupt me in the shower, please do not do that again or I will be very upset with you and you know I don't want that but you will leave me no choice. So we are agreed on this - you will not try to get my attention when I am in the bathroom or my bedroom.'

It's going to have to be you to make the changes, obviously, so just do it in a bright and breezy way but do it firmly. 'We love seeing you but we're shattered after a busy year so we're having an early night - see you in the morning at specific o'clock' hand him his coat and hold the door open. With luck DH will follow your lead, but at any rate, all the social stuff won't fall to you any more. Good luck OP..

I think you should snap with your husband it’s long over due and if he doesn’t take you seriously tell him he can go to his dads rental and you are going to enjoy Xmas with the kids .

How about a compromise. One week at Christmas and one weekend in the summer?
You also need to say, please don't come over till 10am as having a lie in, shower, paperwork etc.
Also say be appreciated if you left at 8pm so you can have time with the kids and husband. Just to unwind b4 bed.
Don't expect any change to his behaviour if you or your husband don't put their foot down.
Very worrying that your husband gets anxiety b4 when he waits for the arrival of his dad. Have you spoken about this with him and why he hasn't got a good relationship with his dad?
How old are the children? You could always arrange days out that are child related and maybe your father inlaw might decide not to accompany you if he tries it once. Somewhere noisy??

I understand you want to be hospitable to your father-in-law but you are spoiling Christmas for your whole family. If you don't tell him what is acceptable he won't know. It doesn't really sound enjoyable for anyone, including him.

So you need to tell him times to come round and leave, probably by text. Don't be dressed before this time and don't stay up late. If he wants to use the bathroom when you're having a shower, suggest he goes back to his flat, next-door.

Do you think he actually enjoys spending so much time with you or thinks it is expected? Could you suggest a shorter visit and a weekend in the spring or a few days in the summer? But make sure you set limits that will make it enjoyable for you and not something you dread. Really your DH should be talking to his father. I'm not sure what you would lose if either of them gets offended tbh

Get him a great big jigsaw puzzle for Christmas. Set it up on the dining table and encourage the children to help Grandpa with his puzzle.

If it looks like they will finish in record time, I would be extra sneaky and hide a few bits as a delaying tactic

Then you and DH snuggle up on the couch and watch telly in your jimjams.

Tell him some time during the visit that it’s a shame but you won’t be able to have him over next year for the 2 weeks as you are spending time with your own family.

🤣🤣

I get tje money issue but surely you can find a friend you can stay with for 2 nights? Solo? Dh can handle the kids, Dh can handle his dad, if you eternally play the buffer then your dh will never properly feel the stress of this and make stepping up to talk to his dad the easier option.

Are there any single women around his age you can introduce him to?

The problem is we can't really have a break with him. I want a short break with my husband too during Christmas! His dad doesn't have any activities or interests of his own so it's difficult. If I go to the room he knocks to see what I am up to/ask what are we doing next. If the kids go to play quietly he knocks to see what they r up to . Even if we are in the bathrooms he knocks to see what we are up to and 'if its safe to come in'. Our house is not big enough for me to go somewhere and just be on my own.

My FIL as lovely as he is lived most of his life alone and doesn't understand how to give other people space. When its happening from 7 till 23 every day and I don't even have a chance to go take a bath it becomes too much .

Not all relationships are that simple . They live 5 hours away from each other and no they never discussed visiting each other. They also both work in intense jobs and do not have time to do that. My DH stays with his friend if he goes there at all. Unfortunately, the only way this relationship works is through me and the kids. That's not necessarily my DH's fault. His dad never spent much time with him as a child and is now only playing catch up with grandchildren because he feels like he missed out. Its a long story and not all relationships can be magically fixed. It's also not my job.

No. Also he's only been in 1 relationship his entire life and has no friends.

It must be hard being this passive. There's you ... your dh .... your fil .... all little passive people sitting round unable to tell each other anything. Noone leaves the house or has friends over, or goes away on holiday, or has a hobby.
Do you think your kids will end up like this too?

Your dh's holidays are illegal btw. 15 days, even if that includes bank holidays, 3 of which would be over Xmas, isn't the legal minimum .

He's messaged to say that he's booked the accommodation. So you reply and you say "Dear FIL - I am so sorry that DH didn't contact you sooner. This year we have other visitors for Christmas too, they are coming on the 27th. I'm so looking forward to seeing you and my family this time! Also the children have X activity with school the weekend before Christmas so we will not be around then. If you could change your accommodation booking to come on the Tuesday before Christmas that will give us enough time to be ready. So the 19-26th. Looking forward to seeing you! OP xx"

We are very far from passive this post is not about our life. What a sad and rude person you are.

It's not really related but my father in law might have a mild form of autism hence the fact that he doesn't understand some social clues very well and hasn't made any friends in all his years. Only mentioning as why it might be hard at times to hint at certain things to him.

Stop hinting and tell him directly. Please come over no earlier than 9am tomorrow as we will still be in our PJs.