Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

[Lightthatnevergoesout]

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about.

Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day.

Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids.

We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together !

AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

OP I'm not sure why you posted. You are just repeatedly how hard it is and how it's nothing you can change. Then why are you here?

It really is not that hard. YOU are facilitating this. Stop it.

A) STOP initiating conversations. If DH and FIL are sitting awkwardly silent on the sofa, let them. It's not your job to parent them

What's the worst that will happen? They will feel awkward/bored/argue. Ok. And?

B)When FIL knocks on the bathroom door don't pleasantly answer him. Yelp and bellow CHRIST I'M NAKED AND HAVING A SHIT. If he chastised you for your language tell him it's completely inappropriate to interrupt someone, particularly his DIL or any woman when they are in the bathroom. Don't be nice. Be CROSS. Be outraged

C) tell FIL NOW that there are various occasions over the period when you will not be home. Then go out. Either just you or all of you. If he asks if he can come just say no. You have commitments as a family and you'll be back at 5pm or whatever.

D) if he starts yelling at your dc stand up and firmly say 'ok its obviously been a long day' or 'ok, dc clearly need to let off steam so FIL if it's too much for you, you'll have to look after yourself today and gently take him by the arm and walk to the door'. He's staying next door. Hooray. He can leave. If he says no then look him in the eye and state very calmly that in that case he'll need to accept the dc are going to squabble/be noisy today. If he comes back with comments about their behaviour the repeat 'oh well FIL perhaps you should go back to the flat today as it seems it's going to be a rowdy one here' then bustle off and entertain the dc

The point is IT IS NOT HARD. YOU ARE MAKING IT HARD.

You can't change people but you can change yourself. You need to find your voice. He will not change if you don't. Why would he?

Oh and for the love of god, wear the pjs. Wear whatever you damn well want. If he is rude enough to comment the. Push back and tell him this is your home. You want to relax. It's the one place where you can relax and if he's not happy seeing you in your comfy clothes then he knows where the door is

I think sometimes you need to be very blunt and tell someone that their behaviour is inappropriate, rude and/or really odd, even if when it's someone older than you. If you go out with your friends again I'd be direct, tell FIL that seeing as he didn't seem to enjoy it last time it would be best if he doesn't join this time.

He's not just going to suddenly have his own epiphany and "get it" by himself. You have to tell him when his behaviour isn't ok.

Stupid, selfish old bugger. Anyone with a shred of self-awareness, common sense and emotional intelligence would know that 14 days is far too much.
Get it sorted. Don’t let him rule your life. Take charge and sod what your DH thinks. Simply give him the exact dates for his Christmas visit. End of.

OP you mentioned that you suspect autism and I would be inclined to agree with you from your description of your FiL.
My husband has a friend who is autistic who has been incredibly demanding of his time and resources e.g. numerous texts and phone calls a day (and through the night), asking to be taken out for the day and “treated” to expensive meals, randomly turning up on our doorstep etc. He’s not a nasty person, it just would never occur to him that this arrangement would be inconvenient (to say the least) to my husband. In the end, my husband had a really frank chat with him and laid out very clear boundaries such as no more than two texts a day, no calling after 9pm, only available between these hours, happy to buy dinner but not more than one alcoholic drink etc. It sounded so rude to our ears with no subtlety or social niceties but it was exactly what his friend needed - clear boundaries. It worked wonders; he wasn’t offended at all and they now have a much healthier balance and a more honest relationship. I wonder if a similar approach would help with your FiL?
I totally understand wanting to be polite and not cause offence, but he doesn’t seem to be playing by those rules himself and I wonder if the reason for that is that they wouldn’t make sense to his way of thinking. If he is as lovely as you say I’m sure he would hate to be making your life difficult, and if you manage his expectations now maybe he can have a think about what he might like to do while he’s not with you. It might be harder for him to change the plan if you wait until he says he’s on his way round to tell him that’s not convenient.
I really hope you’re able to find a solution that maximises both quality time together and time to relax.

Last year was particularly difficult as we were all quite sick, kids had fevers and I sprained my ankle badly so struggled to walk for a few days and still felt like it would be rude of me to go and take a nap whilst he is sitting alone in a living room and doesn't get any hints that I wanted to have some rest.

Hinting to him is a bit passive aggressive. And if you felt it would be rude to have a nap, so didn't, is entirely down to you.

What is wrong with saying, this ankle is really tiring me out so I'm going to take a nap, see you later.

You seem to pussyfoot around him but not state what your needs are, instead you use hints to try and make him do things.

You may well have a FIL problem, you may well have a DH problem, but why you can't tell your FIL you're tired so are going for a nap is puzzling.

You posted this in AIBU part of the MN chat boards. It is notorious for being blunt and direct. No beating about the bush here! That might explain why some people are posting terms like doormat and such.

I noticed also elsewhere in your replies that you mentioned that you're 23 and your FiL is 66. That's quite an age gap so when you're sticking up for yourselves it might feel a bit like you're taking on a school principal but you're only a student (if you get the dynamics). You definitely have to use the news that he's reduced his holiday by 2 days as a starting point in negotiating him down to staying only for the actual Christmas break, or that if he wanted to stay for longer, you're not available but he could hire a car and do some exploring by himself.
Just a thought but if there are any National Trust properties/locations near where you live (even a 30 mins - 1 hr drive away) you could get him a pass or membership for Christmas so that he can get away and explore these places without you.

Just wanted to say that I completely sympathise. My DF is also autistic. His behaviour is similar in many ways to your DFIL. (Before the NDs wade in, I’m not saying ALL autistic people are like this! I am ND and so are my DP and DC. There is a wide spectrum of conditions and associated behaviours linked to autism and each individual will present differently. I certainly do know that). But yea like your DFIL no boundaries. Is easily irritated by others. Snaps at people. Is critical of others. When he visits he will follow me around often standing outside the toilet when I go to the loo! Still talking to me. If I get up he gets up and asks where I’m going and follows me. Unlike your DFIL my DF is constantly talking. But at me rather than with me. If I’m dealing with the DC he will just start talking over me and expect me to stop and listen. So it’s impossible to relax with him here. I can’t just go out, or take a nap, or have a bath. Doesn’t ask about me or my life. Could probably tell you very little about me as he hasn’t a clue (never asks and only remembers my silly behaviours as a child which he enjoys reminding me of as if somehow they are current and relevant). We invited him to a BBQ the other week. Everyone else went home at about 10pm. Kids had been put to bed. My DP and I were washing up, yawning, etc. He was still asking for more red wine and talking at us at 10:35pm so I asked him when his taxi was coming. He replied he hadn’t ordered one yet!! I pointedly said “shall I order you one then?” He replied “no I don’t like the firm you use, I only use my preferred firm”. So yeah, strong hints just don’t work!!! Social cues go completely unnoticed. It’s very hard work. I would have to be so blunt that it would really offend him. But anything less than blunt has zero effect. I don’t want to be rude. I have no wish to upset him. But he is intolerable. So I have no advice for you but I completely understand how you feel. 😩

Any update? How did this year's visit go, @Lightthatnevergoesout ?

Happy new year!