Page 2 | Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

Lightthatnevergoesout · 2023-10-08T18:57:24+00:00

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about. Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day. Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids. We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together ! AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

R37sraY · 08/10/2023 21:18

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/10/2023 21:16

No, this is madness stop this now.

If your DH won't do it - you do it.
right now your DH has no incentive as it's not really a problem for him as you are there acting as a human buffer...

I would suggest you do a weekend before Xmas (late Nov or early Dec) and then for Christmas itself. Maybe Christmas eve to boxing day.

I would also really encourage you to start doing your own thing with the kids and leave him and your DH to it. It's brutal but it will encourage your DH to tackle it as right now you are doing the hard yards for him so there is no incentive to manage the situation.

Everyone except OP may be happy with no conversation and no effort.

autumnpleasestay · 08/10/2023 21:18

You have my sympathy, too, OP. I struggle to relax with guests who just stay and stay (or houseguests), but ultimately you have to put aside your best manners and take time for yourself, even if it feels inhospitable. Treat him less as a guest and more as such a close family member that he doesn't need constant attention and special treatment. That may mean telling him you need time alone, during his stay.

That's for the time he's there, and your husband needs to break it to him that you're not available for the full two weeks, either this year or next. He can find interests to fill his time just as well as the next person, even if that 'interest' is merely 'oh, how nice to not have to go to work today; think I'll take a walk / read a book / go out for a nice dinner'.

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:21

I believe my issue here is more how DH doesn't like him staying for this long and ends up blaming the situation even me for when he gets tired from accommodating his own dad! Yet here we are again in October and he hasn't even attempted to discuss this with him once or uses me as an excuse every single time.

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property. It literally doesn't take into account that my own friends might want to come around one day or even stay over night. Of course it wouldn't have been such a problem if relationship between DH and his dad was warm perhaps I would even be able to go somewhere for 1 night myself but it is far from warm and they do not work together at all. So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations, to come up with plans, to write shopping lists for them 2 to get out and do something outside of the house. I regret to admit but every year I am exhausted from this.

OP posts:

coolkatt · 08/10/2023 21:22

this is way too much, and is your husbands problem. he need to tell his father that two weeks is too long. be truthful, lie, whatever but it's completely inappropriate to expect this of you and way to long every day to cope with. it would drive me nuts. but. your hubby needs to tackle it. together the two of u come up with a plan, dates, activities. etc. you then tell fil them. tell him the other days i are not in town, you have other people coming to visit whatever. if you have not said anything before now he just thinks it's the thing to do. he maybe doesn't realise how inconsiderate he is being. (doubt it but)
anyways. plan plan plan. and why does your husband only have two weeks off a year (genuinely wondering)!

coolkatt · 08/10/2023 21:23

or tell FIL you are all
coming to him for two weeks. see how that goes.

cartagenagina · 08/10/2023 21:23

Seriously @Lightthatnevergoesout are you reading people’s responses?

You do NOT have to do all of those things. You are choosing to. Stop being a martyr and leave them to it.

autumnpleasestay · 08/10/2023 21:26

It might be unpleasant, but you'll have to stop being the entertainer and facilitator for your husband and his father. They're two grown adults. Either they get along or they don't. If they don't have anything to say to one another, let them sit in silence! I'd stop taking on that role. It might bring things to a head and give your husband the motivation to do something different next time.

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:26

coolkatt · 08/10/2023 21:22

this is way too much, and is your husbands problem. he need to tell his father that two weeks is too long. be truthful, lie, whatever but it's completely inappropriate to expect this of you and way to long every day to cope with. it would drive me nuts. but. your hubby needs to tackle it. together the two of u come up with a plan, dates, activities. etc. you then tell fil them. tell him the other days i are not in town, you have other people coming to visit whatever. if you have not said anything before now he just thinks it's the thing to do. he maybe doesn't realise how inconsiderate he is being. (doubt it but)
anyways. plan plan plan. and why does your husband only have two weeks off a year (genuinely wondering)!

My husband does take a week of in summer too. He just started a new job so works way beyond his work hours at the moment and in general his work is very demanding so Christmas is when he normally has proper time to switch off.

OP posts:

R37sraY · 08/10/2023 21:26

I wasn’t really bothered when my MIL came for ten days or so each Christmas.
At first she tried to chat at me, which was effort. Over the years she stopped requiring chat, which was a relief. She was just there and a perfectly easy part of the family. I made an extra plate each meal and it really wasn’t hard. Sometimes she would watch the kids when we went to the shop. It was fine.

strawberry2017 · 08/10/2023 21:28

Stop doing so much. Stop coming up with conversations. Stop writing lists to send them out shopping just stop.
Let them sit in uncomfortable silence if that's what they want to do.
It's not your job to work on their relationship.
If neither of you will tell him not to come then you are stuck with him but stop making so many concessions for him.
Go about daily life as normal.

towriteyoumustlive · 08/10/2023 21:28

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:21

I believe my issue here is more how DH doesn't like him staying for this long and ends up blaming the situation even me for when he gets tired from accommodating his own dad! Yet here we are again in October and he hasn't even attempted to discuss this with him once or uses me as an excuse every single time.

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property. It literally doesn't take into account that my own friends might want to come around one day or even stay over night. Of course it wouldn't have been such a problem if relationship between DH and his dad was warm perhaps I would even be able to go somewhere for 1 night myself but it is far from warm and they do not work together at all. So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations, to come up with plans, to write shopping lists for them 2 to get out and do something outside of the house. I regret to admit but every year I am exhausted from this.

The DO something about it.

Just book Christmas away then let him know! It's only October so over 2 months for him to make alternate plans.

Or just put up with it this year and tell him next year you are away.

If you want friends round just invite them round.

R37sraY · 08/10/2023 21:28

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:21

I believe my issue here is more how DH doesn't like him staying for this long and ends up blaming the situation even me for when he gets tired from accommodating his own dad! Yet here we are again in October and he hasn't even attempted to discuss this with him once or uses me as an excuse every single time.

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property. It literally doesn't take into account that my own friends might want to come around one day or even stay over night. Of course it wouldn't have been such a problem if relationship between DH and his dad was warm perhaps I would even be able to go somewhere for 1 night myself but it is far from warm and they do not work together at all. So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations, to come up with plans, to write shopping lists for them 2 to get out and do something outside of the house. I regret to admit but every year I am exhausted from this.

Are you sure they want all that chat and organisation?

Maybe they would rather just watch the kids or the tv in silence.

Ottersmith · 08/10/2023 21:28

It's not your problem if your husband doesn't know what to say to his Father. It's not your job to fill in the gaps.

You need to edge this situation to a more casual one. Obviously if you need to go for a nap or do anything just leave him in the sitting room. The whole thing needs to be made more casual or you will just be exhausted every Christmas.

I think definitely go away for a weekend or night with friends. He's not your Dad!

Shortpoet · 08/10/2023 21:30

*So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations,…”

This is a choice you are making. You don’t have to do it. In fact, if you didn’t do it and left DH with FIL you might give him an incentive to actually sort it out. By acting as a human shield you are stopping your DH from feeling the discomfort and being motivated to have the difficult conversation.

cartagenagina · 08/10/2023 21:30

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:26

My husband does take a week of in summer too. He just started a new job so works way beyond his work hours at the moment and in general his work is very demanding so Christmas is when he normally has proper time to switch off.

Show quote history

Three weeks holiday is still below legal minimum in uk and most of Europe.

Where do you live?

Original poster

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:31

cartagenagina · 08/10/2023 21:23

Seriously @Lightthatnevergoesout are you reading people’s responses?

You do NOT have to do all of those things. You are choosing to. Stop being a martyr and leave them to it.

Yes I am reading. No I am not choosing to do this to myself this is my house where I live and I can't afford to go somewhere during the most expensive time of the year or have anyone willing to accommodate me and my 2 kids whilst my husband and my father in law sit in silence.

He is also the only grandparents my kids see at all. So I do it not for my DH or his dad with their long history but mostly for my kids.

OP posts:

boomtickhouse · 08/10/2023 21:32

Just reply to the message and say you have plans for certain dates, gives him a narrower window which suits you

No need for drama. You can control your actions and your famly choices

Nubnut · 08/10/2023 21:34

Shortpoet · 08/10/2023 21:30

*So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations,…”

This is a choice you are making. You don’t have to do it. In fact, if you didn’t do it and left DH with FIL you might give him an incentive to actually sort it out. By acting as a human shield you are stopping your DH from feeling the discomfort and being motivated to have the difficult conversation.

This

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 21:35

What about deciding to go away this Xmas for a few days? Say he stays for 4-5 days then you go on a holiday break.

Peakypolly · 08/10/2023 21:36

You are enabling this situation. I would just live my life and be fine about FIL coming and going as he pleased. Why are you instigating conversations? If a take-away seems appropriate one night, tell FIL it's his shout since you are providing Christmas dinner etc. If you fancy an early night, tell him to let himself out etc.
Coming for two weeks (and paying for his own accommodation) sounds like he wants to feel part of your family and not put huge pressure on you to entertain him.

R37sraY · 08/10/2023 21:38

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:31

Yes I am reading. No I am not choosing to do this to myself this is my house where I live and I can't afford to go somewhere during the most expensive time of the year or have anyone willing to accommodate me and my 2 kids whilst my husband and my father in law sit in silence.

He is also the only grandparents my kids see at all. So I do it not for my DH or his dad with their long history but mostly for my kids.

Show quote history

You don’t have to remove yourself.

You just need to stop talking to them.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12 · 08/10/2023 21:38

Well the obvious solution is for both of you to stop expecting him to pick up on hints, and actually bloody tell him that two weeks is too long

R37sraY · 08/10/2023 21:38

Peakypolly · 08/10/2023 21:36

You are enabling this situation. I would just live my life and be fine about FIL coming and going as he pleased. Why are you instigating conversations? If a take-away seems appropriate one night, tell FIL it's his shout since you are providing Christmas dinner etc. If you fancy an early night, tell him to let himself out etc.
Coming for two weeks (and paying for his own accommodation) sounds like he wants to feel part of your family and not put huge pressure on you to entertain him.

This.

Also it’s really annoying when people chat. Just stop.

MumblesParty · 08/10/2023 21:40

cartagenagina · 08/10/2023 21:30

Three weeks holiday is still below legal minimum in uk and most of Europe.

Where do you live?

Show quote history

I was thinking this too. Your DH needs to take more annual leave, then he might have more energy at Christmas to entertain his father.

Flibbertigibbettytoes · 08/10/2023 21:40

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 20:41

We can't really afford to go anywhere this Christmas just to avoid him staying for this long as saving up for a big trip in summer. We want to do simple things at out own pace and not feel like we have to discuss every single plan. In the 5 years he been coming he never went anywhere (except for a supermarket) by himself has got no interest in exploring the city etc.

Last year was particularly difficult as we were all quite sick, kids had fevers and I sprained my ankle badly so struggled to walk for a few days and still felt like it would be rude of me to go and take a nap whilst he is sitting alone in a living room and doesn't get any hints that I wanted to have some rest.

DH is an only child and his dad hasn't got any other family/relationship nor friends. He works very hard and so feels like when he gets a holiday he wants to spend all of it with us. It is lovely but gets too much sometimes when he just doesn't get the hints that he is in our space 24/7. Our relationship with DH also struggles towards the end of his stay as it all gets too much and we are tired of cooking (food takeout for all of us is normally around 65 pounds now in where we live)and not having any rest and then back to work as normal as soon as he goes.

I don't quite follow this - are you saying you wouldn't cook if your FIL weren't there?

And if your OP only has leave at Christmas, how are you saving for a big summer holiday?

I think it's on you if you have a sprained ankle and don't choose to say that you need to go lie down while DP looks after your DC and FIL