Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

[Lightthatnevergoesout]

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about.

Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day.

Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids.

We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together !

AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

With my inlaw we weren't sure either so now we spell it out. Please come between 10 and 11 for lunch at 1230 and then leave after lunch (by 2) on Sunday something like that. Then we knew they were choosing to deliberately ignore us!

Also invite FIL for short stints throughout the year.

It's bonkers that his time with you is always and only centred around Christmas. You need to break this cycle.

Your kids are learning how to be boundaryless doormats who accept being shouted at.

Yes it's a good advice but as someone mentioned in a post earlier it's very difficult because the person comes with a sole purpose of spending time with us ! So it's difficult to say sorry we are out now at 6 but see u tomorrow morning as he hasn't got anything else to do or anything he would want to do . The only way it works if the person just comes for a short period of time that we spend together and then we still got some days on our own.

Also to a poster above funny thing but you are right when he comes my dh and I can't even find time to be intimate. We are too tired at 23 when he finally leaves and he comes so early . He even knocks sometimes on our bathroom door asking if its safe to come in when we are trying to take a shower. I find this personally the most difficult to deal with .

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property.

^^ Thank you for letting us know fil. We look forward to seeing you this Christmas.

Step One: just to give you plenty of warning, I’m afraid that next year, for Christmas 2024, dh and I will be making different plans as we don’t see enough of one another atm owing to our wotk
schedules. I hope you understand and won’t mind making different arrangements to stay elsewhere next year?

Step Two: as just mentioned, dh and I have been feeling very much under pressure of late balancing work and parenting responsibilities and we would very much appreciate it this Christmas if you wouldn’t mind please helping us with the cooking, a few simple DIY projects in the house, and if you wouldn’t mind looking after the dc with the help of a baby-sitter for one or two afternoons during your stay so that dh and I can spend a bit of time together? Thank you very much and see you soon!

That's not necessary. The post says nothing about my kids.

I would be paying the Airbnb not to take him.

Thank you for that. Yes, this is also something that I talk to my husband about. I know this is sensitive for him but then he can't forever expect me to deal with those situations. In fact he doesn't really need to deal with the relationship if it is what it is but just to set some boundaries that 2 weeks is too much.

Your posts have actually mentioned your kids, and how the man treats them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I were you I would completely not cater for him. Tell him not to call round until 10am, when he comes in don’t make him a drink unless you are getting yourself one. Don’t bother trying to keep the conversation going all the time, put the tv on. If you need to be somewhere else either in the house or otherwise then do so. If you are less accommodating then maybe fil will be less inclined to come for so long.

I think @SaturdayGiraffe was alluding to the example that you both are showing your kids by not dealing with the elephant in the room and either/both of you telling FiL that he can’t stay for that length of time.
We don’t actually have to know anything about your kids, it’s all about the example you’re both showing them.

I’m not convinced by either of your options.
Although next year just go away for Christmas if you like.

Lots of people live with their in-laws without any issues but your FIL sounds like he has no boundaries at all.

So you need to set those boundaries as it sounds like he just doesn’t get it..
For example
Upstairs is out of bounds!!! Completely. ( I’m assuming there’s a toilet downstairs here…. )
He rings the doorbell to gain access.
You, sorry your dh tells him he needs to leave after dinner.

I would take the opportunity now, since you have just received his schedule, to tell him two weeks is just too much for you. And invite him round for one.
Its one sentence. It’s t8me to tell him. I truly think ( given the knocking on the bathroom issue ) that he doesn’t understand boundaries.

This man lives alone and doesn't know how to deal with overtired and overstimulated children. It was one situation and I learnt from it hence not asking him to babysit during evenings anymore. My kids know how to stand up for themselves.

Another approach, do you own the flat? Or does someone you know own the flat? Contact them and ask them to reduce the booking. Pay the difference if you have to!

She means that your dch are learning from you that they can't say no to a situation like this in case someone doesn't like it.
I think YABU (you and your DH) for just rolling over and accepting this situation. Decide on a compromise ("We look forward to seeing you but it will only be for four days this year as we want time with just the dch" or whatever. ) Or tell him that leaving at 11pm is just too late. Or say "We're having an early night so we're off to bed now. See yourself out "
You get the picture. You are adults. Decide what you want and tell him.

I suppose he comes to join the family for breakfast, so tell him what hours are convenient for you, not when he hears the children waking up, also what hour you what him to leave, when children go to bed. Or you go to bed early with your OH saying you are having a tough year, then watch tv on iPad or do other things. Only do meals you would normally do, so that it would mean an extra plate to serve up and wash, he is a member of the family so treat him as one, his not the king, so stop laying on special food and takeaways. Don’t worry about making conversations, you are tiring yourself out for no reason, if your OH isn’t.
You don’t say how young the children are but couldn’t he take them to the park. Other than that as long as they are in no danger leave him to babysit, he will get use to them after a few times.

How old are the kids? Could they pop round to grandad's next door for a couple of hours to watch a film together or play board games? Gets FIL spending time not in your house.

Who rents out the house next door?
Could you speak to them and ask them to say it’s only available between the dates you can comfortably accommodate him?

I can't do that because I am not this person. I am prepared and happy to give him the time , care and attention for some time but not for half a month because at this stage it's becoming too much for everyone and my own family suffers. Hence the title of my OP. I don't want the person to be treated like furniture or with regard whilst he is in my house. He is my family and I love him but not for 15 days straight.

I’m glad OP you’re not prepared to do this.
He is your FIL after all.
I can’t quite believe how some people are prepared to treat their relatives

Is it possible to have him over the same amount but ignore him a bit more? With long established relationships like these it can be difficult to speak up. But sometimes, when we speak up and say today is a pyjama day the other person doesn’t react as badly as we thought they would.

My first thought too! 😂https://media.tenor.com/MMxxI1oJZu8AAAAM/father-stone.gif

op, you have had some great suggestions for conversations with your fil and dp, but most of them haven’t taken the potential of neuro diversity into account.

with Autism there is often no ‘making suggestions’ or ‘alluding’ to things.

I understand how it can feel to have someone in your home who you don’t seem close to, and who may be uncomfortable in social situations.

a pattern has been created, check with fil that he wants to do this visit for 2 weeks. Explain it can be for a shorter time.

explain you will be doing other things this year, and give him notice now about them, and what you want from him.

eg on 28th my friends are coming round, and we will chat and drink. you can stay or you can return to you flat early. It’s ok. Or - you need to leave our home by 7pm, you can stay in your flat.

it could be why dh might find it difficult..

fil may not be able to ‘do it different’

you may just need to tell him clearly to leave at the time.

Then don’t hint, @Lightthatnevergoesout - be blunt. Phone him or write to him asap, and lay down some ground rules:

FIL - 7.30am is far too early to come round, even if you phone or text first. Please don’t come round until 10am at the earliest.

Dh and I need some time to ourselves, so please go back to your flat when the kids go to bed, unless we invite you to stay longer.

In the future, please ASK dh and me if it is convenient for you to come to stay BEFORE booking your accommodation - it is rude to assume it is OK for you to come for a 2 week long stay without asking.

Do not shout at the kids - if they misbehave, and dh or I are not around, a firm word will do.

Yes he is your FIL so you want to do right by him. But 15 days as a host is long, as is 15 days as a guest. You & DH probably just need some 'me' time to break this up.

So go out and leave your DH to entertain his DF. Have a nap, establish some boundaries. 7.30 in our house over Xmas would be quite quiet, no one would be up. Be in your PJ's at dark o'clock and just relax. You do not have to be 'on show' as the hostess, you are also a working mother who could do with a break.