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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

259 replies

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 19:57

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about.

Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day.

Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids.

We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together !

AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 08/10/2023 21:40

You don’t need to completely remove yourself. Just do exactly what you would do if he wasn’t there.

Go and see friends, whatever. Stop all the responsibility for starting conversations and organising things for FIL.

Mikimoto · 08/10/2023 21:42

At the VERY least (if it's all paid for this year already) do things like "Let's have a pre-lunch drink - come round at 1130h tomorrow" / "We've been invited to some school parents' house, so need to leave by 6pm" etc. etc.

DisquietintheRanks · 08/10/2023 21:43

You might not be able to change your dh or fil but maybe you could change your mindset towards him?
With long term guests you don't have to entertain them every minute or sit with them every minute. You can have a nap or go for a walk or meet with friends or tell them to help themselves from the fridge. Its not the same as when people come forth weekend and you "Entertain" them, it's a more low key thing.
If he and your dh are happy to sit together in companionable silence, let them. If they want to talk more they'll make the effort.

TiredCatLady · 08/10/2023 21:44

Why even post in here? Your FIL sounds like an arsehole and your husband is a wet blanket for not having said something by now.

If you can afford it, book a few days away with your DC over the fortnight and leave him to fend for himself. You’re not dancing monkeys FFS.

tenterden · 08/10/2023 21:45

@Lightthatnevergoesout

Nobody likes a martyr.

tara66 · 08/10/2023 21:45

If you don't tell fil something to make him change his plans - it's your own fault, isn;t it?

WellingtonPlace · 08/10/2023 21:46

Start setting some rules about times he comes over and don't stop what you are doing because he is there. Also 2 freaking weeks, I could never do that especially not over Christmas. You are missing out on Christmas stuff with just you, Dh and your children.

I am too selfish, I could not share Christmas morning present opening with anyone. We see family on Christmas day and exchange presents and open them then but we love that it's just us Christmas morning.

You have fallen into this rut but you can get yourselves out, stop hinting and start saying we will be leaving by 6pm or in the morning come round after 9am or whatever. Start being the grown up.

mathanxiety · 08/10/2023 21:49

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:21

I believe my issue here is more how DH doesn't like him staying for this long and ends up blaming the situation even me for when he gets tired from accommodating his own dad! Yet here we are again in October and he hasn't even attempted to discuss this with him once or uses me as an excuse every single time.

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property. It literally doesn't take into account that my own friends might want to come around one day or even stay over night. Of course it wouldn't have been such a problem if relationship between DH and his dad was warm perhaps I would even be able to go somewhere for 1 night myself but it is far from warm and they do not work together at all. So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations, to come up with plans, to write shopping lists for them 2 to get out and do something outside of the house. I regret to admit but every year I am exhausted from this.

You are micromanaging two grown adults.

You don't have to do any of this, especially the 'starting conversations'. They are not shy five year olds.

You've made a rod for your own back. What are you trying to achieve here? A picture perfect relationship between your H and his dad? The sort of relationship you think they should have?

Step back. Stifle your instinct to play hostess/ family therapist.

You're allowed to ignore people sitting in your living room who are happy to watch sports together and talk about the children. Read a book. Knit socks. Play sudoku on your phone. Watch kitten videos.

EpitomeofEpiphany · 08/10/2023 21:50

So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations,

You don't need to fill the silence. They might even like the silience. If you don't like silences then you need to take ownership of that. If you find silences so uncomfortable then you are starting a conversation for yourself not for them.

to come up with plans

Be direct, say to DH right I need some time on my own tomorrow please take the kids and your dad out for the day. You don't need to plan the activity but you do need to communicate what you need.

Blough · 08/10/2023 21:53

He shouts at your kids, and ‘lost it’ with them, but you’re hosting him ‘for your kids’? Makes zero sense.

Whalewatchers · 08/10/2023 21:54

Reply to FIL... to be honest, I would have preferred it if you would have checked with me re. Christmas and not just booked it. We love seeing you, as do the Grandkids, but it's very important that me and X have time together over the holidays as a couple, once the children are asleep, and also to spend time together the four of us. Therefore we'd happily have you come to see us for 5 days, from the 23rd to the 27th.

Your husband needs to step up. If they aren't even that close, it's hardly going to be a dagger to his heart if his father gets a bit of a grump on about it, which, let's face it, he can't really or he'll have no one to visit on those few days either if he ruins the relationships he has with his son and family.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 08/10/2023 21:54

You need to set dates x to x. Ring him next week and let him know.

Just do it. 2 months' notice is plenty for you both to arrange the other time for different things.

sandyhappypeople · 08/10/2023 21:55

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:21

I believe my issue here is more how DH doesn't like him staying for this long and ends up blaming the situation even me for when he gets tired from accommodating his own dad! Yet here we are again in October and he hasn't even attempted to discuss this with him once or uses me as an excuse every single time.

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property. It literally doesn't take into account that my own friends might want to come around one day or even stay over night. Of course it wouldn't have been such a problem if relationship between DH and his dad was warm perhaps I would even be able to go somewhere for 1 night myself but it is far from warm and they do not work together at all. So I end up constantly being the person to start conversations, to come up with plans, to write shopping lists for them 2 to get out and do something outside of the house. I regret to admit but every year I am exhausted from this.

So I just received a message that he will be coming from 15th and staying till the 30th and that it's all been confirmed with the rental property.

Message from who op?

Original poster
Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 21:55

Yes, I know I am being a martyr here. Its because on a few occasions I left DH and his father to themselves simple comments they made to one another at one point in the day had turned into massive arguments that woke my kids up and I had to tell them that this was ruining my holiday now.

It's a complicated situation but I will take some advise on board that I should make my own arrangements regarding days out/meeting friends etc. The problem is that my father in law doesn't make any of his own arrangements. He doesn't go for walks without a purpose, he doesn't read, not interested in going to any museums etc so yes I end up making plans that work for everyone

OP posts:
Lovemycat2023 · 08/10/2023 21:55

Yes your DH should sort this out. But no, he’s not going to. So you either put up, or do something. That could be as simple as leaving them to get on with out and take the kids to the cinema. It saying that you want a lie in and he’s welcome from midday but not earlier. I don’t see why that isn’t possible?

I do understand that you can’t go away, that completely makes sense, but what does it stop you putting your foot down?

Peachy2005 · 08/10/2023 21:57

Whalewatchers · 08/10/2023 21:54

Reply to FIL... to be honest, I would have preferred it if you would have checked with me re. Christmas and not just booked it. We love seeing you, as do the Grandkids, but it's very important that me and X have time together over the holidays as a couple, once the children are asleep, and also to spend time together the four of us. Therefore we'd happily have you come to see us for 5 days, from the 23rd to the 27th.

Your husband needs to step up. If they aren't even that close, it's hardly going to be a dagger to his heart if his father gets a bit of a grump on about it, which, let's face it, he can't really or he'll have no one to visit on those few days either if he ruins the relationships he has with his son and family.

Edited

Do this, this is perfect @Lightthatnevergoesout

Whalewatchers · 08/10/2023 21:58

cartagenagina · 08/10/2023 21:40

You don’t need to completely remove yourself. Just do exactly what you would do if he wasn’t there.

Go and see friends, whatever. Stop all the responsibility for starting conversations and organising things for FIL.

But she probably just wants to stay in her house with her husband and children and no one else! And who could blame her!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/10/2023 21:59

First things first…I wouldn’t be happy with a guest for 2 weeks.

That being said @Lightthatnevergoesout you can change how you interact with the situation. Stop treating him as a guest and treat him as a family member.

“Hey Phil, here’s some money and a list of things I need from the shop. Thanks”
”Oof… bit of a headache today… I’ll be down for a nap”
”Mind watching the kids on Tuesday night, we’ve been invited to a work do”
”We’re going to the home improvement store tomorrow to pick up the paint for the hallway”
”How are you with a screwdriver…the hallway door hinge needs tightening”

Stop trying to get your DH and FIL to have deep conversations…like I don’t even know what that means. Let them grunt at the sports on tv and talk about the weather.

In other words just get on with it with him added to the mix. Plan a few things but other than that he seems pretty content to just hang out.

anyolddinosaur · 08/10/2023 21:59

You cant tell him not to come last minutes but your husband can tell him to make it a shorter trip next year. You can also do more of your own thing - take your nap or put your pyjamas on, he's family not a stranger! At least he doesnt stay in your home.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 22:02

Your DH needs to step up. It's his dad. He just has to say look dad can we make it just 1 week this year as we need to spend quality time just the 2 of us and the kids this year.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 22:02

anyolddinosaur · 08/10/2023 21:59

You cant tell him not to come last minutes but your husband can tell him to make it a shorter trip next year. You can also do more of your own thing - take your nap or put your pyjamas on, he's family not a stranger! At least he doesnt stay in your home.

Its October. Its not last minute

LookItsMeAgain · 08/10/2023 22:02

How about sending a reply message to your FiL
”Hi FiL, just got your message about the dates when you’re planning on visiting. We wanted to let you know ahead of time that we are looking forward to seeing you on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day but unfortunately will not be able to have you in the days before and after that. If you want to contact the rental company and see if you can shorten your stay, we think that would probably be best rather than you wasting your money. Alternatively, if you wanted to, you could use the flat as a base and drive around and explore the area, but we’re letting you know well in advance that we’ll be busy. Looking forward to seeing you around Christmas Eve, all the best @Lightthatnevergoesout “

Original poster
Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 22:02

Lovemycat2023 · 08/10/2023 21:55

Yes your DH should sort this out. But no, he’s not going to. So you either put up, or do something. That could be as simple as leaving them to get on with out and take the kids to the cinema. It saying that you want a lie in and he’s welcome from midday but not earlier. I don’t see why that isn’t possible?

I do understand that you can’t go away, that completely makes sense, but what does it stop you putting your foot down?

Because his dad just calls at 7.30 saying that he is coming over in 5 mins and then just knocks on the door. He stays in the house next to ours and he knows that our kids wake up early so he just knocks/calls and they let him in. I can't really stand in my pyjamas against the door telling him we won't be opening it.

It's not really related but my father in law might have a mild form of autism hence the fact that he doesn't understand some social clues very well and hasn't made any friends in all his years. Only mentioning as why it might be hard at times to hint at certain things to him.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 08/10/2023 22:03

Blough · 08/10/2023 21:53

He shouts at your kids, and ‘lost it’ with them, but you’re hosting him ‘for your kids’? Makes zero sense.

This.
Fil doesn't have some tender relationship with your kids. I bet their faces don't light up when they see him. Your explanation isnt the real reason

You are not only being martyr you are also your DH's whipping boy and a handy proxy who he can take his annoyance at FIL out on.

Send @Whalewatchers message. It's solid. @LookItsMeAgain is fine too.
I would spell it out clearly.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 22:03

Lightthatnevergoesout · 08/10/2023 22:02

Because his dad just calls at 7.30 saying that he is coming over in 5 mins and then just knocks on the door. He stays in the house next to ours and he knows that our kids wake up early so he just knocks/calls and they let him in. I can't really stand in my pyjamas against the door telling him we won't be opening it.

It's not really related but my father in law might have a mild form of autism hence the fact that he doesn't understand some social clues very well and hasn't made any friends in all his years. Only mentioning as why it might be hard at times to hint at certain things to him.

Show quote history

Yes one of my inlaws has autism. I think your DH needs to be blunt.